Positive experiences of adoption

[Italiangreyhound]

My DH and I are right at the start of looking into adoption. We have a birth DD aged 5. We have been to an open evening and are yet to get onto the road to adoption. I am trying to read all I can and get ideas for what is involved. Some of it seems quite hard, difficult experiences etc. I just want to hear some positive experiences if there are any out there, please. I have read a lovely post on here today which was very inspiring. I know that it is hard to go hunting for 'positive' experiences and there may be some conflicting opinions about what constitutes positive etc. I don't want for a minute to ignore the challenges but just to get a balanced view from as many angles as possible from real people who know what they are talking about.

I hope to hear from you. Thanks

thefirstmrsDeVere thank you for your post. No, I don't take it badly at all (quite happy you have name changed as felt funny calling such a nice poster 'monkeybutt'!!). To be honest I did think that County Council would/might have a problem with fostering in relation to adoption but not sure why I had that feeling except that I have heard the phrase '...fostering is not a short cut to adoption'! I guess I would be very careful about what I would ask, and this is the fear you feel you can't be totally honest for fear of saying the wrong thing and throwing a spanner in the works! I think my interest in fostering is that if I could do it and maybe it would be good for the child if we provided a good place for them to be. I think what is making me nervous about adoption is the fact that you are committing to someone for life, so it is a bit like marriage, if you see what I mean, but you have not met them - even if you had met them I am sure most people are nervous about that too! You know what I mean, it is a big commitment. I guess I wondered if you had contact with the child you would get to know them and they would be more of a real person to you and you could see them as a real person, and they could see you! Of course if they were very young they would possibly not be able to make distinctions between fostering and adoption but that must happen all the time - children placed in foster care get attached to foster carers and then move on to adoptive family, which is that so much better than one family? It is a serious question but one I am scared to ask because maybe it is so obvious!.

Our local authority said you did not even see a picture of the child before you said yes to adoption and so you just found out lots of information but it feels a bit scary! I must sound like a total wimp to those who have already adopted.

I have heard about concurrent fostering but I don't think they do it in our area. It did sound like a good idea in that the child only goes to one family (unless they go back to the birth mother/family). Anyway, I guess I can also see that it may be very difficult for the child but I am wondering how children feel about going into foster care anyway, if they know it will be temporary I wonder how they cope. I do feel I need to learn a lot more, to understand it all.

Marz thanks for your comments. Yes, you have it right in that I would not want my DD or relatives to have to look after a child, actually there are not a whole lot of relatives to choose from and certainly our parents are not going to be doing much looking after anyone. I was also thinking that it would be good for DD and the new child to get on and I am a bit worried the fact we are older will mean we don't get such a young child and my DD will feel a bit threatened if the child is too close to her in age!

Thanks for listening and offering advice. I think the trouble with adoption is that I feel I can't ask too many questions and we can't even be interviewed yet because we had fertility treatment less than 6 months ago so I am not sure how else to explore the answers than by asking questions from people who have been there and done that.

I certainly don?t want to offend anyone with my ignorance so I hope there aren?t any lurkers reading this who think I am asking totally naff questions!

Goodnight and thanks so much,

Haven't read previous posts so not sure if I can add anything helpful but here goes...

We adopted our son 2.5 yrs ago when he was 13months old. We're very young in adopters terms, but equally I have family who have adopted who were in their early 40's when their little ten month old was placed with them!

We have a good placement so far. Our son is a typical 3yr old, and apart from some expected problems with him settling as soon as he moved in, we don't appear to be having a bad time. We're aware of course that this could all change as he gets older and better understands adoption, and his life story. The difficult parts of adoption for us were my husbands post-adoption depression, contact with birth parents, and us grieving for the birth child we'd never have...

When our social worker asked us why we wanted to adopt, we told them what we thought they wanted to hear....we wanted to help a child have a chance of a better life - blah blah blah. Our social worker told us off and told us to be honest -she'd heard it all before. Social workers know that ultimately the decision to adopt is usually a selfish one. You adopt because you want a child! And in some ways it doesn't matter how you arrive at adoption (whether it's because you're single, infertile, gay, or just don't want to go thru birth! etc), as long as you're there. But be prepared to discuss why you want to adopt in detail, as they need to know you're in the right mental place as well as having love to give and a spare bedroom!

However, of course they have to place a child with the right family - this can often mean a long wait. And it's not necc. getting approved that takes the time, the waiting bit is waiting for the right child. With regards to ages - SS don't generally place adopted children older than your birth children, and I believe most request a 2 yr gap between the adopted child and your youngest.

I think what you mean about fostering with a view to adopting is called concurrency and not all adoption agencies do this. I think you would need to seriously think about the impact this could have on your daughter - it wouldn't be fair to prepare her for a new brother/sister but have to say they may/may not be staying...it would be very confusing. And if she didn't get on with him/her it would give her false expectations of being able to just give someone back when she didn't like them.

I think you might get lots more information from Adoption UK, either on their message boards, or phone their helpline. Take this time before they interview to read, read, read as much as you can about the processes, pitfalls, problems and positives...

Stickyjs thank you so much for your helpful and honest post. Can I ask how you 'sorted out' or 'solved' DH's post adoption depression of if you think now if there was anythng you could have done to avoid it. Please do not answer unless you are really happy to.

Thanks so much.

Italian, just to pick up on what you said about not seeing a picture of the the child before agreeing to adopt them...

What happens is that you start off seeing a photo with a first name and a brief description of the child (this could be through the adoption register, or Be My Parent, or via your agency). If you're keen in principle, you let them know. If they are interested in you, they send you much more detailed information: about 40-60 pages detailing the child's life, health, etc, and also about the birth family, why the child is being put up for adoption etc. We have ALWAYS seen a photo at this point, and with the girl we are adopting we saw photos of birth parents as well.

The child's social workers come to visit you. If they decide they want to proceed with you, you may meet the foster carer at this point. We've met our dd's foster carer twice; she has given us a DVD and photos, which was very appreciated. We also have an appointment to visit the adoption agency's medical advisor, who has done a medical report on our dd.

Our next step, in two weeks, is matching panel. The week after that we finally get to meet our daughter.

It is very strange and frustrating to be so far down the road and still to have not met her. I understand that this is to avoid the 'go down the orphanage and pick up a cute one' thing, and that older children in particular need to be protected from being 'looked over' by potential adopters. But I'm not sure you can altogether know you want to adopt a particular baby until you've held them in your arms...

Anyway, that's the system. Of course, you can in theory pull out at any point up to the adoption being finalised (about six months after child comes to live with you). But of course it becomes harder and harder to do so as you go through the process.

Of course, if you are adopting a small child (ours is 10 months) you have to deal with the fact that you don't quite know what you're getting, in a very real sense, because at that stage many difficulties/issues are still to emerge. With an older child, at least you can go in a lot better informed about what parenting THIS child may be like.

Oh, and don't worry about asking lots of questions. You sound really nice and thoughtful.

Hester thank you so much for your kind and deailed words on how things are going. May I wish you every success with finally meeting your daughter.

Please do feel free to send any comments or updates you wish to share, I am very interested to read them.

I am always nervous that people reading my posts will think I sound heartless, so your nice kind comment was very releaving!

I do see how hard it may be for children being looked over etc and I think the social workers have the very best interests of the children in mind (I hope). As I have a birth daughter I am also thinking of her and wondering what will be best for her. So difficult working with so many unknowns!

You don't sound heartless at all! You sound thoughtful and caring to me.
I happen to know a bit from an American friend who was approved recently in the US for fostering. She originally wanted to fost-adopt but changed her mind during the process.
In the US fotering leading to adoption is a very big thing, and families who want placement of a baby or toddler have to go down fost-adopt route (unless they want a newborn and go agency).
There are some major pros and cons to such a system. For the kids, it can minimize disruption becasue they only live with two families in their whole lives, not numerous foster families.
However, it can be stressful and upsetting for the parents. What if you get placement of a child you really want to adopt, who 'fits' with youtr family, but then they have to go home again? The plan is always reunification at first, and the family must work with the birth parents to try and get the child home,and yet in the back of their minds the family know that if the birth parents fail to sort their lives out then they will get to adopt the child. It leads to conflicting emotions. On a major level they want the birth parents to succeed becasue usually that is best for the child, but may have a couple of dark thoughts along the lines of 'I hope they fail, because I can't bear little ---- to leave us'
I know in a few cases the foster family deliberatly tried to sabotage the childs relationship with the parents by making them late for visits, deliberatly not being friendly to the parents etc, so that they could adopt the chid, which is not of course the idea of fost-adopt at all.
It can affect any other birth children in the home of course as already said. I can see why it's a big no no over here, yet I can also se the benifits if it is done properly.
I'm sorry I have no experience of adoption personally, just through friends so i can't help more than this.
Good luck with whatever you decide though and especially good luck to hester, hope everything goes smoothly from here!

aspiegal thank you so much for your kind words about me personally, slight blush!, and thank you for your thoughts on the US system. I can certainly see that there could be some huge conflicts and I think you have put your finger on the matter that it would be hard to have people totally dedicated to re-uniting a family and then at the same time dedicated to adopting the child. Of course in an ideal world the foster/adoptive parents might be able to do both these things very well but there may be some situations where it would not be possible.

I have a growing sense of admiration for all who adopt and foster and for those who work in the adoption services. It must be a tough (but rewarding) job.

Thanks again.

I've been looking into it a lot now and can really see why the adoption services do things the way they do. I still don't understand it all but I can see why fostering and adoption are usually kept separate.

It is so nice to read fab stories and positive experiences and be able to learn more.

Mega Congrats to Hester as you continue on your journey.

Maryz and Hester and ThesecondMrsVere formerly chegirl are you still around? Hope all is well.

I think it is time for me to sign out for a bit. I will sign back in when things are clearer for me but I wish you all the very best and will continue to lerk! How do you spell that word!

If anyone want to email me you can do so on my name italiangreyhound and my imaginary age 39 at yahoo dot co do uk

Thanks to all

OK, my news, switch off now if bored! I was half way through watching my weird family about two gay dads when the opportunity for DH and I to chat came up! He said he felt old and did not relish going back to being a father to a baby! But he asked me what I wanted to do. At first my heart sank as I realised he was actually asking me what I wanted. I had been so ready to have to fight my corner for what I wanted that someone asking me was a shock! I really was 50/50 about whether to go for more fertility treatment with donor eggs or go for adoption - but I also felt that if we wanted to have more treatment then now was the time. There was no point trying to adopt and having fertility treatment as a backup when I was even older and DH was even more tired! So I said I wanted one more go at treatment with donated eggs and DH agreed!

I was not ready for adoption or fostering yet. Adoption is a BRILLIANT thing and I hope one day DH and I get to adopt or to foster. I just felt I had to give this treatment one last go ? and it really is one more go.

I am so grateful for all the positive stories and I hope to be able to add a few of my own one day but for now I am just waiting for our treatment.

Thanks so much for updating us. FWIW I think you are doing the right thing. You need to be completely finished with your assisted conception treatment before you are in a place to consider adoption. You don't want to get several years down the adoption journey then discover that its not right for you and its too late to go back

i know that there are risks associated with IVF but these are much lower than the risks inherent in adoption

people will tell you " with adoption you are guareteed a child if you just wait long enough". that's simply not true - families are approved and never matched with the kind of child they want, or they are matched but placement disrupts. its a very risky business

I hope your IVF treatmnet is a sucess and you get teh baby you long for

I think you're doing the right thing too, IGH
Very best of luck to you and I really hope you get your baby soon xxx

KatrinaM and Hester thanks so much. I do feel I am making the right decision but it does mean a lot to know others agree.

All the best and do keep us postes Hester if you wish to.

God Bless.

Ooopse sorry KristinaM.

I'm going to pick up my new daughter on Saturday. I will certainly report back

Congratulations, Hester how fab.