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Adoption

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Original poster

DD (10) breaks mum's heart :o(

28 replies

misspollysdolly · 10/03/2010 19:21

Had to discipline (adopted) DD this evening after a slightly difficult day, especially in relation to some (relatively benign, perceived to be 'normal' pre-teen) stroppy behaviour with DH this morning. And as such she was asked to make her way up to bed earlier than usual - stroppy but hey ho that's par for the course...or so I thought until I took our boys up to bed (birth children) half an hour or so later to find her bedroom door plastered with bits of paper all over which she had scrawled - 'This bedroom is the property of the unloved, unwanted, the sad and lonely.'

My heart hurts now
Not asking for any advice or words of wisdom, but just had to put this somewhere where it might be read by some people who 'get' how hard this is sometimes.

OP posts:

sybilfaulty · 10/03/2010 19:25

Oh poor you, I'm so sorry you are feeling so low. I don't have any experience I'm afraid but I hope you get some good advice soon. When I was a child I said all sorts of things to my mum because I was angry / frustrated or whatever, not because I actually meant them.

Thinking of you.

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 10/03/2010 19:30

It is par for the course as the mother of a teen.

winnybella · 10/03/2010 19:31

I haven't got any experience either, but I think the fact that she put these pieces of paper on display shows that she feels safe enough with you to allow herself express that sadness. Every kid has down moments and it doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the fact that she's adopted. She's feeling sad and letting you know that- which is good.

KatieScarlett2833 · 10/03/2010 19:32

Oh, and the letters telling you how much they hate you and how unloved they are. You toughen up after the first one.

wilsonmummy · 10/03/2010 19:32

Oh how awful for you! I hope you both kiss and make up soon and she understands why you had to discipline her in the first place!

Bringing up children is not easy but can be very painful! I'm sure with 3 dd who will all be teenagers together i'll have my work cut out for me too!

Sending hugs your way x

lilyjen · 10/03/2010 19:34

hope you used it as an opportunity to listen to her insecurities and build on the relationship xx

Original poster

misspollysdolly · 10/03/2010 19:35

Yes, Kimi, I'm sure it is - but it is just a little bit more complicated with an adopted, attachment disordered, emotionally manipulative, and vulnerable 10 year old...

OP posts:

KimiGaveUpStarbucks4Lent · 10/03/2010 19:37

I am sure she did not mean it, and you are doing the very best for her by setting boundaries.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you both xx

Original poster

misspollysdolly · 10/03/2010 19:37

I know, I know, lilyjen. We will - just not tonight.

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oldenglishspangles · 10/03/2010 19:42

miss polly, my (birth) dd who is 8 regularly writes things like this when she is cross with me. As lilyjen says its an opportunity to address them with her and give her the reassurances that she needs at this moment in time. hopefully another adopter will be along shortly with a shared experience to reassure you more than I can.

shockers · 10/03/2010 20:21

I would be tempted to write a little note back and stick it on the door for her to discover which then could lead to the sort of reassuring conversation mentioned.
Although I have two adopted children, my birth child is much older and so they don't compare themselves with him. DD has RAD but also LD so whilst we have a lot of problems with tantrums and controlling behaviour, she has never thought to question our feelings for her.
I hope your DD's notes do give you the opportunity for a snuggly chat about how much you love her. I know it isn't easy for some children to hear that stuff... even when it's positive.
Sending out good thoughts to you.

KristinaM · 10/03/2010 22:47

I'm sorry its so hard

you are right, its NOT the same as bio kids

they do a lot of the same things but the intensity of the feelings is different

you cant explain it to soemone who hasn't been there

it looks the same on paper but it FEELS much harder and more painful. because it is - for all of you

i coudl tell you that these little notes are not about you - they are for the birth family who failed her and abandoned her. but you knwo that already

i would send you a hug but its SO un mumsnet

Original poster

misspollysdolly · 10/03/2010 23:10

Thank you KristinaM (and others too) - am so glad you came online! Big hug - though unMN - very gratefully accepted!

I should feel ashamed really of how I behaved tonight - but right now I am emotional full-up and cannot take on anymore new baggage. I SHOULD have gone in and snuggled and nurtured and nourished her soul, but instead I through open her bedroom door and demanded that she consider how HER notes have made ME feel.

Never fear - we WILL have the sensitive chat tomorrow. But when you rescue a child from a life of certain shit (and I do believe that we rescued her from a life of continual foster care placements - I'm not being too full of my own self-importance), try your damnedest all the bloody time impress upon them and show them how much you love them, cherish them, value and respect them, even while constantly in the face of NO trust, NO respect, NO consideration for your own feelings and then you get this SUPREMELEY unfair expression of how they think they are 'unloved and unwanted' thrown at you, it seriously presses every button you possess.

I am ashamed that to an extent she is right - she senses that sometimes her behaviours are difficult to love, unacceptable and undesirable. It's not just birth parents it's aimed at, I know full well it is aimed at us too. She sees these two brothers whom I love with a deep deep soul-connected love and she aches a) because her birth parents didn't demonstrate that to her, but also because I have to work so hard to find that level of love for her, too.

I LOVE her massively, but it is just so so hard sometimes. What she cannot grasp is that we just got the boys, but we CHOSE her, and knew what we were taking on when we did so. To use the phrase 'unwanted' just kicked me deep in the belly and 'unloved' when every day the effort involved in continuing to love her so strongly is sometimes so measured and so deliberate just hurt me so much.

Thanks KristinaM so much for just understanding that this isn't the same as with birth children and for helping me to feel less awful about what's happened tonight. I'll stop ranting now...!

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PavlovtheCat · 10/03/2010 23:19

missmolly i came on to post something, inane and, now i realise wholly irrelavent. I read your last post and you have made me feel very teary. What a wonderful mother you are.

Original poster

misspollysdolly · 10/03/2010 23:43

Thank you for your honesty, Pavlov. I appreciate that you could just have left it and not written anything. Thanks for your encouragement. But I don't feel very wonderful. I just feel really really tired tonight. I hope that tomorrow I can address it with her, without putting my own feelings too far into the ring. We do have a good support network of friends and professionals. We are about to start life-story with her and I have saved what she wrote tonight to show the therapist. At least she has allowed some of those feelings to be opened up and addressed - but sometimes I do ache that life can't just be a bit more straighforward - for her, for DH and me and for our two little boys who were just born into the middle of all this crappy stuff. Thanks again for being honest, and for the support.

OP posts:

maryz · 10/03/2010 23:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Nettiespagetti · 10/03/2010 23:51

I remember I used to write poetry and my mum used to show a real interest in it! One day I wrote avpoem about my mum and how she never trusts me or let's me fo anything!!!

I'll never forget the look on her face and how upset she was by it! I'll no doubt feel that hurt myself one day!!

But I love my mum to bits and despite some pretty tough decisions!

I hope everything calms down soon

Original poster

misspollysdolly · 11/03/2010 16:49

Thanks for the supportive messages everyone. I have been thoughtful today, though fairly peaceful. I did post my own 'counter-message' on her door last night, of which she has so far made little mention and which did feel a bit petty, but was probably a more measured and calm response than I have thus far been able to make verbally. I am going to talk with DD after the boys are in bed tonight. Would appreciate, prayers, happy vibes or whatever good stuff you might be inclined to will this way . MPD

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ByTheSea · 11/03/2010 21:37

misspollysdolly I so understand and the fourth and fifth paragraphs your post of Wed 10-Mar-10 23:10:43 are so eloquent and real to me. So here's a really un_MN {{HUG}}

NonnoMum · 11/03/2010 21:49

As a young teenager, I wrote my (non-adoptive) mother a letter about how much she didn't love me, blah blah, blah etc etc. Now feel v ashamed.

So what I think I'm saying is that it is probably noraml to test the water with parents, and probably very very normal with an adopted child.

No matter how perfect, loving and wonderful the adopted parent is, does the adopted child always feel the pain of rejection somewhere deep down?

I'm sure you are doing a great job...

Original poster

misspollysdolly · 11/03/2010 21:54

Thanks for your support, Bythesea. Have talked with DD tonight. Firm and frankly not very emotionally available (as in, me to her, IYKWIM), but we have talked and things will be OK. I am so grateful for the support I have found on here. Thank you everyone.

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coldtits · 11/03/2010 21:57

If it's any comfort, I did exactly the same thing to my mother at about the same age, and I was her spoilt biological first born!

nighbynight · 11/03/2010 22:11

misspolly - this is nothing to do with being adopted! Dd writes similar things.
I would say she writes them because she knows that she is not unloved or unwanted. If she really felt that, she wouldnt write those notes for you to see.

shockers · 11/03/2010 22:31

That particular note may not be but I would hazard a guess that the feelings on both sides most definately are.

I can walk from one bedroom feeling like the best mum in the world to another where I feel like the worst... because DD can't engage in any other way than manipulation and it makes me angry and sad all at the same time when I know I should really feel love and compassion.

j0807bump · 11/03/2010 22:46

sorry i don't have any experience and the other posts are already of more help than mine.

just had to say i'm thinking of you and we all have said/wrote things about our loved ones that we really don't mean esp when we're 10.x

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