DD (10) breaks mum's heart :o(

[misspollysdolly]

Had to discipline (adopted) DD this evening after a slightly difficult day, especially in relation to some (relatively benign, perceived to be 'normal' pre-teen) stroppy behaviour with DH this morning. And as such she was asked to make her way up to bed earlier than usual - stroppy but hey ho that's par for the course...or so I thought until I took our boys up to bed (birth children) half an hour or so later to find her bedroom door plastered with bits of paper all over which she had scrawled - 'This bedroom is the property of the unloved, unwanted, the sad and lonely.'

My heart hurts now
Not asking for any advice or words of wisdom, but just had to put this somewhere where it might be read by some people who 'get' how hard this is sometimes.

When your child(ren) are adopted it is soooo hard not to view everything within that context - and to a large extent it is right to do so.

I remember the first time my DD (who was adopted) bellowed that she hated me I actually did an (unseen to her) 'Yessssss!!!' as I finally thought we were getting somewhere in terms of her feeling secure. And yes it was a perfect chance for me to counteract these ideas BUT I still don't think that I compromised on the original boundaries etc - kids need those to develop their security in the first place.

My DS (also adopted) has never told me he hates me - but I can see it in his face that he does sometimes (usually as a result of some disciplining - he's a teenage boy pushing the limits in quite a normal way). I have sometimes articulated it for him ' hey - I am absolutely sure you really hate me at the moment but I am doing X because of Y and there is it!' That often actually diffuses the situation - he has a good sense of humour.

But every child is different - and not all adopted children are the same of course. You have to respond to the individual needs of your child and it isn't possible for any of us to tell you whether what has happened is 'normal' or resulting from the trauma your child experienced - or a bit of both. So I do hear your pain and really feel for you. For what it's worth I think that you are handling it just fine - you are the expert on your child now like you are with all your children. As well as having adopted my kids (they were adopted - not they are adopted - God I am pedantic!) I am also 'in the trade' as it were in terms of my job so I hope I can reassure you from both angles.

Good luck!

they were adopted - not they are adopted - God I am pedantic! - yup me too!

So sorry Mi ss Polly that you are having such a struggle at the moment. Of course we adoptive parents will never know to what degree issues are adoption related or not and I generally take the view that it isn't relevant, you deal with the problem. The difference is that there are many more layers of hurt and insecurity and history to deal with - both yours and hers!

I think you know what you need to do because I suspect you've been doing it for years - reassure and show her you love her and just keep doing it. But you're a bit ground down yourself and can't summon up the energy just now. But none of us are perfect.

Give yourself a break, you sound like you are handling it fine.

Good luck and keep your chin up (I don't really do hugs!)

Hope you've had a better day...