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I'm having a slight sense of humour failure - talk me down please

37 replies

bran · 09/10/2009 20:29

It doesn't normally bother me (much) when people refer to adoption as though it was an easy option compared to giving birth. In rl, if I can be bothered, I sometimes explain what a long and annoying process it is and the sorts of issues that can come with children who need to be adopted. Sometimes I just act as though I haven't heard the comment, but on the whole I just let it pass by.

However, on the YouTube Mumsnet birth tips video someone says her top tip for giving birth is to adopt. I started a thread about it in chat where the general opinion was that I was taking it too seriously, so I put it out of my mind. Now the top tip quote is at the top of the Mumsnet Latest box (I don't know if everyone has this box, it's on the RHS of my Active Conversations). I catch sight of it regularly and it's pissing me off out of all proportion to what the poor MNetter who said it probably intended.

I should just try harder to ignore it shouldn't I?

OP posts:
hannahsaunt · 09/10/2009 20:33

I have friends who have (finally) adopted and friends who have adopted siblings and family with adopted children - it is such a long, hard and heartbreaking road that it can never be seen as an easy option. It's not. Much sympathy to you and hope your path is smooth. You have every right to be upset by this sort of comment.

Ivykaty44 · 09/10/2009 20:36

Actually I think it is in very bad taste - for a child that has been put up for adoption or the adoptive parents.

There has been a whole thread on blacking up as racist, this to me is no different we should be past comments of that nature we are surely more mature and kind as a society.

FABIsInTraining · 09/10/2009 20:37


Bad taste

JJ · 09/10/2009 20:38

I have stuff that affects me like this.

My answer is: yes, you should try harder to ignore it because the people who make those sorts of "jokes" just don't have the experience to realize they're idiotic. Poor ignorant things.

Charitable I'm not!

MavisEnderby · 09/10/2009 20:40

i think it must be very hard to go through the adoption process.

I think if an issue is dear to your heart or particularly relevant to your life situation it is easy to get upset by comments that are probably not intentionally meant to hurt.

I once posted a really sarky comment inreply to someone using the word retard in athread (they had not used it themselves but were relating something a fmily member had said about them when they had not spoken at 3 (xx said "We thought you were retarded"),as I had had a particularly trying day with my sn delayed child and it hurt.

Sometimes it is best to ignore,but very hard if it seems hurtful.

Sometimes I

MavisEnderby · 09/10/2009 20:41

Eh,sorry post went a bit mad!

hester · 09/10/2009 21:28

I completely agree with you, bran. I got approved as an adopter this week. The whole process is quite a lonely experience; people don't understand how it works and how it feels.

The other one that annoys is interviews with celebrities who say airily that if they fail to naturally procreate they'll 'just adopt'.

LadyGlencoraPalliser · 09/10/2009 21:32

Hmm, know what you mean Bran. I'm not an adoptor, I'm van adoptee but I saw that tip and pursed my lips. I do get irritated quite easily by people's ignorance about adoption though.

chegirl · 09/10/2009 21:45

YANBU at all!

How annoying. I have done it both ways (given birth and adopted that is!). I can tell you right now which the easy option is. I will give you a clue its not the one where you have to have a stranger (or 10) round your house every week delving into your most personal issues, a birth mum who texts you regularly to tell you she hopes you die, a social worker who keeps losing your personal information, a medical that makes your antenatal checks feel like a pampering spa day, a child you are devoted to who has been injured (hate the term damaged) by someone long before you got to look after him, several meetings that make you wonder who the hell all these people are talking about (you), ditto several written reports plus prep meetings, matching panels (for a child you already have living with you), lists of adaptations you have to make to your house because it is an obvious death trap to any child.........

Ooops now look what your OP did, set me right orf...

And I was supposed to be talking you down....sorry

positiveattitudeonly · 09/10/2009 21:56

Well said Chegirl - Add on to that the fact that you will always get thrown in your face that you are not their "proper" mum whenever they stroppily feel like it!
(teenage girl grrrrrr!!!)

I have had 5 Birth and 1 adopted. No way is i the easy option! With a natural pregnancy/birth any doubts are from within yourself. With an adoption you have numerous other people questioning your parenting skills. Not great for the self esteem!

aristoBLACKcat · 09/10/2009 21:57

have a few adopted friends and YANBU

maryz · 09/10/2009 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bran · 09/10/2009 22:06

at chegirl's effort at talking me down. I do actually feel calmer when other people are equally angry, there nothing worse than being annoyed when others think you shouldn't be.

I might send a little email to MN Towers asking them to use a different quote. Or to at least not use that quote in the same paragraph as the word "wise" and "witty".

I've eased up with my annoyance with the original comment. Afterall, I am the queen of thoughtless off-the-cuff remarks, who knows how many I have offended in the pursuit of a witty one-liner. It's a pity that it made it through the editing process though, it's neither useful nor particularly funny.

OP posts:
1dilemma · 09/10/2009 22:22


I saw it too and thought how ridiculous and crass and was surprised.

It's the kind of thing someone says as a funny off the cuff in the pub but written down and re-read over and over is just annoying

Blu · 09/10/2009 22:29

Bran, I watched it and sort of laughed, (but I am not sure this post-birth motherhood in-joke about the supposed awfulness of giving birth is remotely helpful to those who haven't)...and the feelings of peope who have adopted didn't enter my mind.

Now they have - so thanks for bringing this up.

shockers · 09/10/2009 22:41

It's not funny, witty or wise. I have 1 birth son and 2 adopted children and I think all 3 of them would find that offensive. They think of themselves as equally special ( because they are) and for any of them to think they were chosen as an 'easy option'is not good. We love them all because of the different ways they arrived and because they are all our precious children with their own story.
Having said that... unless you've been through a situation, you really don't understand it fully.

bran · 09/10/2009 22:48

I don't think it's really offensive as such, it certainly wasn't said maliciously.

It's more on a par with people assuming that SAHMs don't do anything except sit on the sofa and watch TV. The first few times you hear it you let it pass, then it starts to be a bit annoying but you let it pass because it's being said by people who don't know any better. Then one day (usually just after you've spend several days in a row changing clothes/bedlinen/nappies cover in puke and poo) somebody says it and you get really annoyed. Or someone that you see frequently says it everytime you see them, it sort of builds up. That's how I feel when this comment catches my eye on active conversations.

OP posts:
shockers · 09/10/2009 22:56

I understand what you mean having been a SAHM for a few years but I was an adult ( obviously!)
I know that my children aren't looking at MN so that particular comment is not applicable to them but the whole adoption thing is a real biggie to those kids involved. We have had moments where I have felt my heart breaking and wished that I could take their place... and the hurt and rejection away. It is not a choice.

HelenMumsnet · 09/10/2009 23:01


Just posting (a bit sheepishly) to say we've clocked this - and realised that wasn't the cleverest thing to put in our Mumsnet Latest box.

Sorry. We've changed it now.

(And we're not witty or wise any more, either.)

bran · 09/10/2009 23:03

LOOK! They've changed it. Thank you MN Towers.

OP posts:
shockers · 09/10/2009 23:03

That is very much appreciated... thank you

bran · 09/10/2009 23:05

The video was both witty and wise though (at least Marslady was very wise indeed), just that comment wasn't.

OP posts:
positiveattitudeonly · 10/10/2009 07:01

Thank you for listening and acting on it, Helen.

Put the sheep away and be wise and witty again!

KristinaM · 10/10/2009 22:58

excellent bran - you have a result

and congratulations hester on being approved this week

Kewcumber · 11/10/2009 22:01

I'm so glad they've changed it - wound me up too.

Do you remember my old thread from 2 years ago? free-version-of

You posted one of my favorite ever saying related to adoption so I think the time has come to quote it back at you.

"I was listening to Jeremy Hardy recently and his show was "how to be a parent" and as part of it he said "Birth parents sometimes like to cook and eat the placenta. Of course that option isn't open to adoptive parents, but they might like to consider cooking and eating their social worker." Something tells me that man has had at least some experience with the adoptive process "

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