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Adoption

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Original poster

letter from birth mother to our adopted ds

38 replies

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:14

Hi, looking for any advice on when is the correct time to share with our 9 year old ds a letter written to him from his birth mother.We adopted our ds at 6 weeks old he has always known his full history and we talked fairly often and retell the happy story of his adoption.We have a letter written to him from his birth mother explaining how much she loved him and the circumstances leading to his adoption it is a lovely letter however I am unsure if he is ready yet to read it as I guess it is a bit sad and I worry that it might upset him. He has just had his birthday and as always we are thinking and talking about his birth mum.Anyone any advice on this one.
Thanks

OP posts:

hester · 01/09/2008 22:20

It's hard to say without knowing your son and without seeing the letter, but 9 sounds quite a good age to me. Are you waiting for a time when you feel he won't be upset by it? Will that time ever come? Has he given you clues that he would welcome more information?

Dynamicnanny · 01/09/2008 22:22

I would probably show him now

StarlightMcKenzie · 01/09/2008 22:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

gigglewitch · 01/09/2008 22:23

have no experience at all, just wanted to say how well you sound to have done it all, such a lovely positive story, and there are no surprises waiting for him.

Would it help to let him know that there is a letter, and that he might like to choose when the right time is for him to read it - which can be at any point in time he wants. I think I'd want to make sure he can read the letter himself, i.e. has the literacy skills to do it. I sounds lovely to have a letter like that, your ds is lucky to have you.

Original poster

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:24

Thanks hester yes I think he is maybe starting to look for more information. The letter is very loving and honest and yes it will probably upset him whenever he reads it but more due to sadness for the situation that his birth mother was in rather than lack of love for ds.

OP posts:

Janni · 01/09/2008 22:26

I would let him know that you have the letter, give him an idea of its 'flavour' and say that he can read it whenever he wants to.

9 is old enough, but I would want the decision to be his.

(I have an adopted 3 yr old DD BTW and two birth sons aged 12 and 8)

hester · 01/09/2008 22:28

I think your instincts are moving you towards showing him the letter, or at least giving him the option. You're his mum, you know him best - I think you should trust your instincts.

colacubes · 01/09/2008 22:30

No rl experience of this but I think if this has always been a open subject I think your relationship is built on a trust and honesty and you have nothing to hide or fear. Your ds will probably read and take what he needs at his tender age, and with time will understand and see the true meaning of the letter, it will probably grow with him and bring comfort when he needs it.

Original poster

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:30

Thanks all gigglewitch I was planning to say that there is a letter and if he wanted to think about reading it sometime with Mummy and Daddy. We met our ds birth mum at the time of the adopion and regularly recall the story of meeting her to him.The story of our ds adoption is so straight forward. Thanks

OP posts:

blithedance · 01/09/2008 22:31

We have letters for our children, I think in theory they were written to be read at age 16 but the social worker said in reality 9 or 10 is the age when most people tend to share these things. My kids are not that old yet but perhaps it's a better time to get the sad issues out in the open rather than the early teens when they don't communicate so well.

Sycamoretree · 01/09/2008 22:33

I think the idea of giving a flavour of the letter, and letting him know it exists, is a good one. Let him choose if he wants to read it now. You can go as far as to tell him it may make him a little sad, because BM loved him, but was in a difficult situation when he was born (presumably).

Can I add I am full of admiration and respect for how you have handled things so far. Very hard to prioritise honouring the BM letter given the strength of your maternal bond and feelings. It shows just how much you love your son.

Original poster

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:34

Hi colacubes you are correct it is a lovely straight forward letter and it will bring him comfort and grow with him.Thanks

OP posts:

Kewcumber · 01/09/2008 22:35

I was just going to say that pre-teen is probably wiser so 9-10 maybe about right.

Anchovy · 01/09/2008 22:36

My DSis is adopted and I think it would have helped her very much indeed to have had such a letter. I think it is a resource for him for the future.

Just like the way he has always known he was adopted, I think before too long he really needs to know that there is a letter. I think keeping it a secret for too long would make him wonder what else was out there - in a way be unsettling when it was meant to be completely the opposite.

This may have been just our experience, but my sister's "adoptedness" came a bit more to the fore when she was a teenager. I think it is a time of questioning your identity and obviously the fact of being adopted comes into it. That's why I think him having seen the letter before then would be a good thing.

Original poster

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:38

Sycamoretree thank you for your kind words and suggestions

OP posts:

oops · 01/09/2008 22:39

Message withdrawn

colacubes · 01/09/2008 22:39

Original poster

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:44

hi oops, thanks maybe some of the birth mother stuff is pushed a bit by me certainly not by my dh . I suppose I was just thinking about preteens and feeling secure but maybe 9 is still young.

OP posts:

oops · 01/09/2008 22:52

Message withdrawn

Janni · 01/09/2008 22:55

Oops - that's a really interesting perspective and VERY different to what today's social workers advise. If possible, we are meant to enable supervised contact with the birth parents throughout the adopted child's life, so that there's not big secret lurking...

We're doing it with our DD, but it's a tricky balancing act!

Original poster

Domkat · 01/09/2008 22:55

Thanks oops your perspective is just what I was hoping for in my post. He is just a kid and not a grown up 9 year old in anyway .

OP posts:

oops · 01/09/2008 23:01

Message withdrawn

Janni · 01/09/2008 23:05

No, your ramblings are good Oops, because we're all just trying to do the best for our adopted children and we do what the social workers advise, but if it's NOT the right thing, then we need to hear it!

edam · 01/09/2008 23:11

I'd be in the camp who are suggesting you let him know the letter exists, in a really matter of fact way.

That's because my perspective on this is from the complete other end of the spectrum, though. My mother didn't find out she was adopted until she was in her mid-40s and had to send off for a replacement birth certificate. So it was a hell of a shock. Both her parents had been dead for 20 years so there was no way of answering any of the 1001 questions it threw up. Even worse, it was a private adoption, not through an agency, and the court records had been destroyed in a fire.

So I do think the current practice of encouraging families to be open about adoption is much better. Although it must be a tricky balancing act.

oops · 01/09/2008 23:12

Message withdrawn

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