letter from birth mother to our adopted ds

[Domkat]

Hi, looking for any advice on when is the correct time to share with our 9 year old ds a letter written to him from his birth mother.We adopted our ds at 6 weeks old he has always known his full history and we talked fairly often and retell the happy story of his adoption.We have a letter written to him from his birth mother explaining how much she loved him and the circumstances leading to his adoption it is a lovely letter however I am unsure if he is ready yet to read it as I guess it is a bit sad and I worry that it might upset him. He has just had his birthday and as always we are thinking and talking about his birth mum.Anyone any advice on this one.
Thanks

Don't be sorry you are not hijacking my thread thank you very much for giving me guidance from an adopted persons side.

It's not just that there are no answers, btw, it's the sheer shock for my mother of discovering everything she thought she knew about herself was wrong. And that her adored parents had lied to her. With the very best of motives since that's what parents were told to do in those days, and there was a big stigma about illegitimacy etc. etc. etc.

But the trauma of that discovery was immense. It must, surely, be better to be as honest as possible while being kind and bearing in mind the child's age and level of understanding?

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Thanks to all for your suggetions and good wishes.Good night

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i think your first instinct is right .... i would tell him about it now and ask him if he wants to read it

also agree that you should try to tell him everything that you know about his birth family BEFORE adolescence.

domkat - i hope you don't mind me saying but i think you have to accept that although the story of his adoption is a "happy one" for you, its not necessarily for everyone else. Its possible that both your son and his birth family have mixed feelings about his adoption.

i suspect that your personal emphasis on the "happy story" of his adoption is making it hard for you to deal with the fact that he might feel sad or upset. Unfortunately you can't prevent him feeling sad about the loss of his birth family just by not showing him the letter - the loss is still there

i think that at 9 he is more than ready for a more adult discussion about the complications and sad/mixed feelings around being adopted

As someone who is adopted, I am leaning towards Opps' views.

This is mainly because even though your ds is very secure in himself and your family and as always known about the adoption, actually reading a letter from his birth mum is a big step.

(From my own life, I have always known I was adopted, that my birth mum was very young - 16 - and that she loved me). But, having recieved details of a letter she did for me on my 18th birthday, and still not actually reading it, I am shitting myself about what is in it!).

Reading a letter from a birth mum is hard at any age, and I feel that whilst he is secure in your life, you may find that he will be upset.

Also, your ds may never want to read it, and this should be his decision. At 9, he may not truly understand what is in that letter.

HTH

I am adopted and was given a letter like this when I was 7 (mainly because my brother was also adopted and is 4 years older and they felt he needed to know and it would be easier to explain it all in one go) and to be honest I wish they had waited a bit longer.

I found it quite hard to deal with and also once we were told so were our cousins and they told all our friends etc so I was constantly being asked about it!!

I traced my BM a few months ago and must admit it has been a very positive thing and we are quite close,I also have a half brother and half sister and have just become an aunty
The only problem is that I havent told my adoptive parents about tracing her and dont feel that I can.

They have always been open about the adoption but I dont think they would cope well with her being back in my life.
I have recently lost alot of weight and my parents have always told me I get it from my BM who was big and they wonder whether she still is etc so it can be hard not to blurt out that actually she is rather slim etc
And when people comment on how DS looks like my mum she cant help but say to them "well I dont know how because she is adopted!!"

I think that is very important that you share this information with him because it does make it easier to understand the reasons behind the adoption but maybe leave it a bit longer, at the end of the day he is still a child and should be able to enjoy that innocence without being clouded by doubts and thoughts he doesnt need to deal with yet x

Hi Domkat,

This is such a huge decision and I say this as an adoptee - you've done all the right things, exactly as my parents did, by always telling me about my adoption. However, I wasn't really ready to actually read anything or physically see anything until I was 18/19 years of age - and I was a mature teenager.

I personally, would wait until perhaps your son asks you for more information. Or put together a file with things in which he can have and read, and touch (if you've photos) for when he reaches an age where you feel that would be right.

If you feel that age is now, then show him the letter but I would say wait until he shows more proactive interest in his past. I sat down with my mum and a social worker from the Catholic Children's Society and went through my file including letters from my birth mother which she wrote when I was 3 and 6 months old and also around my 16th birthday. It was a very special day and almost a passage of age, as it were.

Good luck and you'll know deep down what to do. And whatever you do choose to do will be the right thing. You've done the right thing so far so don't ever doubt you'll continue to do so.

Much love,
H x

Id do it as soon as possible tbh, without making a big deal about it, that way it just becomes part of his history and you all move on. I was adopted at 6 weeks but never knew anything about my birth mother except the fact that I came from a "Catholic home for unmarried mothers". I always knew I was adopted and have never had any issue with it, neither have I ever wanted to find my birth mother.

I really wouldn't wait until he gets hormonal when you risk the whole thing become a bigger issue than it needs to be.

Has he asked questions that can be answered by the information in the letter?

If so then either make sure you incorporate what is in the letter into your answers and chat about his adoption or start doing so from now onwards!

So that when he reads the letter when he's older he will already know all the info in it. No surprises is the aim.

I would agree with Oops - I'm adopted too and always knew I was - it was openly discussed whenever I asked, but I certainly wasn't told too much - any of the details that would have enabled me to find my birth mother had I decided as an impetuous 9 year old that I wanted to (I was regularly teed off at my parents at that age, and would have gone down this path on a weekly basis as a result!).

At 18 I made the decision to find out about my birth parents, and at that point was given all the information my parents had, before I approached the council I was adopted through.

I do wonder about the current advice to always talk about the birth mother, as this would make being adopted a much bigger deal than it ever was to me or my siblings.