Adoption

[PurpleProse82]

Does anyone have experience of adoption? Is it overwhelmingly negative for the child placed for adoption? I thought it might be the kindest thing to do (I am a lone parent really struggling. Mentally unwell. I dont know how to dress my child, can't cope and dont want to resent both him and I.) but research I'm reading suggests that it might be even worse for him than bad parenting. I have been talking to perinatal mental health but they say it's my decision.
I am aware that it comes across as very selfish but all I want is the least bad option for both my son and myself. He is a baby (under 1).

@Onlyontuesday I have been prescribed many depressants and mood stabilisers pre-partum over the years, and they didn't work, so I was not surprised that this medication isn't having effect. A psychoanalyst I saw thinks I might be neurodivergent and that could be why, over the years, the medications haven't worked as well as they might have.

I don't really know I have any advice but I'm so sorry you are struggling like this OP.
I don't think it's actually as unusual as it seems for mums struggling with post partum mental health problems to consider adoption. I've read other threads on here over the years where the OP feels they've ran out of steam and options.
You do need proper psychiatric help and it doesn't sound like your getting it. Do you have any means to go private? Come to England to access a mother and baby unit? Although they are sparse!
It takes years in some cases for medication to really settle down MH, and it does require taking care of your sleeping, eating, sugar intake etc.
Also consider that extreme heat will prevent your body processing medication correctly, so you may not be getting it's full effect (although that's not your real issue it won't be helping)
If you look at your baby and feel sad for him, you do love him. It's not that overwhelming rush of love you expect to feel, it doesn't feel like your full of love for him but there is love there.
Financially do you have the means to access any proper support? Either a night nanny (your sleep will be affecting you hugely) or access to deeper mental health support?
Do you have a trigger for you MH? Previous trauma? Sometimes a baby can trigger things you didn't expect.

I do love my baby, it doesn't feel like a bolt from the heavens, but there is love there. However, it is far outweighed by the excruciating despair. I don't think I would be allowed to go to England from Northern Ireland to stay at a mother and baby unit. Certainly the perinatal team have never mentioned it as an option.

The heat here in Northern Ireland has never gone about 30 degrees, that wouldn't be enough to stop medication from working properly.

I've had lifelong depression, I wouldn't say I've felt a rush of love for either of my babies. I cared deeply about them both, but the love came later when I'd built a relationship with them and knew them.

I think looking into mother and baby units and any support childrens services would offer would be a really good way forward. I wonder if anxiety and rumination is getting in the way of having low pressure space to bond?

Psychiatrist here (not working in NI though). I think if you’re considering giving up your baby at least in part due to your mental health, it’s worth discussing ECT with your psychiatrist. If they dismiss it you can ask for a second opinion. It can be really transformative for some people where nothing else has worked. I also wonder if respite foster care is possible just to give you a break and see what changes without baby around. I think you should be proud of yourself for thinking so much about your baby and what’s best for them. I’ve found the first few years of motherhood relentless and some of the hardest, worst (and best) times of my life. I can’t imagine how hard it would be on your own and struggling with serious mental health issues. Sending lots of love.

Sorry I just saw this and looked it up. I can’t believe no mother and baby units in NI. Appalling. Not that there are many in England but still. I’m really shocked. They should consider paying for a bed in a unit elsewhere (many beds in these units will be paid for by health care trusts out of the area) if they think it’s clinically indicated if they can’t provide the care you need. But I have no idea if that’s how it works in NI

@PurpleProse82

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@PurpleProse82

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My cousin was adopted as a baby and has had a very successful happy life.

Treatments that worked for me before I had my daughter didn't work for my pnd.
I was classed as treatment resistant when I was admitted to the mother and baby unit.
It took a combination of 4 medication 3 at their highest dose and 1 above it's highest dose. Alongside medication I had a 6 month course of group therapy and 18 months of 1-on-1 therapy.

I've got pnd a second time but it's not as bad, I'm currently on a antipsychotic as a mood stabiliser at its highest dose and two antidepressants.

If your psychiatrist is stuck and doesn't know what to do next ask them to see a different consultant. A fresh set of eyes might make the difference. It was seeing the hospital psychiatrist that made the difference for me with my daughter. She didn't do anything special but she came at it with fresh eyes and new ideas.

Had the combination of 4 meds hadn't worked one of the next options was ECT.

I'm bipolar and find that I have very stubborn depressive episodes when there are hormones involved. Progress is often slow and takes months and months but I get there. My current CC has raised possible neurodiversity alongside my bipolar diagnosis and whether there is some autistic burn out going on too.

Don't ignore physical health side too, I've got something physical going on at the moment, they aren't sure what is going on but I have life limiting fatigue and that is having a real impact on my mental health too. I'm needing to sleep a lot but my low mood also makes me want to sleep and its a juggle.

There will be a day when this feels better. Hold on for that day and try not to make any decisions that can't be taken back

I am adopted, was relinquished as a baby and have led a charmed life with wonderful, kind, stable, educated and supportive family. I am very happy and consider myself very lucky. I think that some of the problems that adoptees have may be due to adoption trauma/not settling etc. But surely a lot of it is due to pre adoption-pregnancy, birth and early life experiences also well as genetic predisposition to eg depression or addiction. For example both birth parents who have their child adopted and adopted children are statistically more likely to have adhd.
All that said, I wish you the very best for this difficult decision. Reach out for as much help and support you can get for both parenting and your decision and your own health.

OP I'm really. sorry for your troubles, and you have my respect for trying to find a way forward that helps your child and you, risking condemnation from your family and confronting the uncertainty that comes with giving up your child.

I know sisters who both were adopted. The one who was adopted as a baby has done very well, the one who was four when she was adopted has struggled a bit. But both are OK.

People who consider adoption are typically ones who are very keen to have a child, and decent enough not do go down the surrogacy route. The chances of the child ending up with a single male, as with the recent murder case, are very low. And you could consider open adoption to retain an eye on your child.

A warning though: I know someone who considered giving an unplanned baby up for adoption, and she said the relevant authorities were not particularly pleasant to deal with. Apparently women who volunteer to give up a child, as distinct from being 'encouraged' or forced to do it, are relatively rare.

I admire your realism and pragmatism amid your really harsh situation. Of course I wish your depression just lifted and you could enjoy your baby, But with that outcome unlikely, I hope you get some good practical advice on the adoption board. All the best.

I felt this way too with both mine. Most people I know don't have this immediate rush of love for their baby and this magical thunderbolt moment. I cared deeply for both mine as babies and would have never wanted them to come to harm, but I had a lot of resentment with my eldest especially with the demands on my time and energy and how my life wasn't my own.

I don't have experience of adoption or of being a single parent. However I did have significant post natal depression with my eldest and spent time in a mother and baby unit. I spent a lot of time talking about how I wanted to divorce my husband and give up custody of my baby. I remember the psychiatrist telling me that in times of extreme stress, that our bodies can look for an escape plan as it's our flight and fight response being activated. I'm not saying adoption is the right or wrong thing for you, that wouldn't be me for me to say! However it might be this way of thinking is a stress response rather than you want

I would definitely speak to parents on the adoption board who will have more experience. But to also ask for a new psychiatrist if you feel your one isn't working.

I was adopted at birth and have wonderful, supportive adoptive parents. I’m happily married, have two beautiful children and a good job in education. I can’t speak for all adoptees, but being adopted has had a profound impact on me and my mental health. Have a look at the Primal Wound theory, if you haven’t already. I hope you make the decision that is right for you and your child and wish you all the best. 💐

Thank you all. I have asked for this thread to be moved to the adoption board

@Moonandstars90 yes I think if you were adopted at birth that may be the case and I'm glad you have done so well but my baby is now six months old, and the adoption process can take a long time I believe.

@Batcats How you felt sounds like how I feel- do you remember how long it took for you to feel better, like you didn't want to run and leave (which is precisely how I feel)?

@

I think the psychiatrist is being pretty defeatist speaking as someone who had the whole kit and cabooble of medications available and some well over recommended maximum dose and ECT as well. It was a combination of medications that got me well rather than just the anti depressants but it took time to find the right dose and combination.

My eldest was 8 months when I went into the mother and baby unit and probably about 10 months until I started to feel any improvement. It might not be what you want to hear but I was late coming to treatment and might have been different had I sought help earlier.

I will admit, I wasn't a single parent and I have the support of my husband and his family too as well as my own so my situation was different from yours, it was not entirely on me. My eldest is 4 (I had a second which would have been unthinkable when he was a baby) and I can't get enough of him now. Of course now I get days where I'm fed up, tired and want a break from the kids but that's just normal life. Parenting isn't perfect all the time but I don't get that endless despair I used to nor the overwhelming desire to run away.

This is very misleading. I am adopted and have no mental health issues. I’m even a mythical Mumsnet higher earner. I was adopted as a 3 month old.

It's well known at this stage through academic studies and mental health studies that what Bufftailed wrote isn't at all misleading.

Adoptee's are over represented in the mental health and prison services compared to those not adopted. Adoptee's are 4 x more likely to try to commit suicide, though recent studies have shown that figure is higher. Notwithstanding, first or bio mothers are at a hugely increased rate of committing or attempting.

I had a closed adoption and have had no interest in meeting the lady who gave birth to me. I hold no grudge in fact I hope she has had a lovely life and is at peace with the decision she made. Hopefully she achieved her goals and dreams. If she turned up at my door today I’d be shocked but I’d thank her, I don’t know her history but she made the right decision as I have a fabulous family.

That's really lovely for you but that's not always the case for many adoptees.

Luckily I have never been forced to have contact. I am glad I wasn’t born today only to be forced to have contact and diaries, photos etc. Being an adoptee was a tiny part of my childhood. It’s certainly never been my identity.

Letterbox and contact with biological family members (where it's safe to do so) has been shown to be beneficial for the child. For many adoptees having that connection helps with their mental health and understanding their identity. Being an adoptee is a huge part of many adoptees lives.

Adoptee's aren't a monolith what you feel is one thing but it's not correct to say that Bufftailed has written misleading things about adoption.

https://www.medscape.com/viewarticle/810625?form=fpf

There's one reference, it details the academic studies used. It's not stigmatising or pathologising it's the reality for some adoptee's. Adoptee's are over represented in the mental health and prison services too.

@Batcats I think starting to feel better at ten months sounds great, but the fact there is no mother and baby unit, coupled with the fact that the precious medications (pre-partum and the inevitable I an taking at the moment) hasn't worked, it might be unlikely that that will work for me. In terms of neurodivergence, the GP told me that there are no medications which are publicly available for ADHD, either - and indeed, I may not have actual ADHD- the perinatal meantal health team use the umbrella term "neurodivergent" in my case.

Adopter here. Only you can make this decision. The best for your child would be to stay with you, if you can cope. Research shows that. However it would not be the best for him, if you started to neglect him.

You say you sometimes don't manage to dress him or let him cry. For how long? Has he ever had a rash because his nappy was not changed soon enough? Has he ever stopped crying because he gave up? You don't have to answer here. I am just asking you these questions to help you assess where you might be on the "good enough" versus neglectful parenting spectrum. Neglect has worse consequences for children than abuse. I am not trying to make you feel bad and you sound like a good enough parent to me, but it is better to be aware of this.

You say you would feel ashamed if you had to relinquish him. I think you sound like a responsible parent trying to make the best decision for their child. That is not shameful, but admirable - though very sad.

This may be a silly idea, but if medication has not worked for you, have you ever tried one of the new devices? https://www.flowneuroscience.com/shop/?tw_source=google&tw_adid=718740175084&tw_campaign=20322071973&tw_source=google&tw_adid=718740175084&tw_campaign=20322071973&hsa_acc=%7Baccountid%7D&hsa_cam=20322071973&hsa_grp=162418624050&hsa_ad=718740175084&hsa_src=google&hsa_net=google&hsa_ver=3&tw_source=google&tw_adid=718740175084&tw_campaign=20322071973&tw_kwdid=kwl-3500001&gad_source=1&gad_campaignid=20322071973 You can get this on the NHS.

You probably know of these charities, just in case you don't:
https://support2gether.com/
https://pandasfoundation.org.uk/our-services/ (peer support)

There are medications available for ADHD. I have family members who take them. You would only get them with a ADHD diagnosis though.

Could you find someone via a charity or church or other organisation who could give you some regular respite, so you have some time for yourself and can hopefully get better?

I think most of it comes down to ACEs (Adverse Childhood Experiences).
Anyone with 4+ out of the 10 ACEs (experience of emotional, physical or sexual abuse, household substance abuse or mental illness, physical or emotional neglect, parental separation, domestic violence or incarceration of a family member before the age of 18) has a severely increased risk for mental health problems, suicide attempts, homelessness, imprisonment, drug addiction and all sorts of other problems like cardiovascular disease, cancer, chronic pain etc. There are a lot of follow up studies which all came to same conclusion. Not every adoptee has mental health problems, but the risk is much higher than in the general population.

For many adoptees there is also heightened risk for schizophrenia, ADHD, autism and some other disorders due to heritability.

https://www.google.com/url?sa=t&source=web&rct=j&opi=89978449&url=www.ajpmonline.org/article/s0749-3797(98)00017-8/pdf&ved=2ahUKEwjM6ajulNqVAxWcVEEAHUcWM4AQFnoECB0QAQ&usg=AOvVaw2sGo59xoqk41uAU5Ef2Cmx

Thank you for taking the time to post. unfortunately Support 2 gether have had to pause their intake due to high demand (https://support2gether.com/contact/). I am aware of Pandas, thank you.

I know you didn't ask questions for me to answer them on here, but I will anyway: I have never not changed my baby's nappy promptly. Its almost the opposite: perhaps because of neurodivergence (or just anxiety, I don't know), I can't always tell when there's a poo or a very pee-filled nappy, so I change anyway, amd sometimes the nappy could easily go another couple of hours before needing changing but I do it anyway.
On crying: there was only one ocassion when he was just over four months and I let him cry himself to sleep because I was so exhausted and down, I just couldn't bring myself to get up to pick him up on that occasion. I still feel a bit guilty.
Genuine question: is sleep training neglectful parenting? I have never done sleep training but am considering it because if I can reliably get a good night's sleep and the baby will nap more routinely, that might benefit my mental health.

No it isn't neglectful. I've done it as have many others. Some people equate sleep training with just shutting a door and letting them cry. The methods I've done have involved reassuring them, there's been no crying for prolonged periods and it was a speech specialist i accessed through a health visitor and I doubt if there had been concerns it neglectful that they would be offering them this support.

Babies need good sleep for their health and development. Parents also need to be rested and not exhausted to parent. Children don't benefit from parents who are too exhausted to meet their needs, or are too fatigued and are resentful and have poor mental health.

Thanks for updating op, of course we don't mind! I'm sorry the psychiatrist said that, and that you don't expect your family to make things easy. If course they would probably have to find out anyway. It's very unlikely the baby would be place in your town. Hope things start looking up for you in the future. I second the ECT recommendation based on a friend's experience.