Adoption

[PurpleProse82]

Does anyone have experience of adoption? Is it overwhelmingly negative for the child placed for adoption? I thought it might be the kindest thing to do (I am a lone parent really struggling. Mentally unwell. I dont know how to dress my child, can't cope and dont want to resent both him and I.) but research I'm reading suggests that it might be even worse for him than bad parenting. I have been talking to perinatal mental health but they say it's my decision.
I am aware that it comes across as very selfish but all I want is the least bad option for both my son and myself. He is a baby (under 1).

Your baby won't always be a baby, and before having a child it is very much through the lens of I want a baby because of xyz, and they're all reasons of what baby will bring to one's own life. The baby comes and suddenly, especially when they're tiny, life is all about them. It's how it is for everyone but some people have a partner and family to help take some load off, sounds like you have all the load and its overwhelming you.

When he's older or in childcare like nursery can you see yourself recovering some of your peace of mind and enjoying parenting?

It shows you care that you're worried a out him being adopted, but don't underestimate the damage that can be done from feeling that you aren't wanted whilst living with a parent. That probably sounds harsh but it's not that long ago I had a baby and so I know the life shift shock but also know how much they need love and care too, if you want to DM me happy to chat as it's also isolating to have a baby. I moved moved a tiny rural village 6 weeks post partum and played havoc with me and I had no prior mental health needs.

Adoption is better for a child than neglect if you feel like you're not able to safely and reliably care for him and meet his needs. But it doesn't quite sound like you're at that point, more overwhelmed and struggling with your mental health, which is not surprising with your history, but doesn't mean it won't get better. I haven't been in your shoes but I have been through times when I knew I wasn't in the right place to make any major life decisions.

I had PND. It’s horrific. And this is exactly how it feels. I just wanted to completely give up and someone else take over because I couldn’t do it and I didn’t want to. BUT it did get better - it took a long time and it was hard. My worry is you’ll get over the one and have no baby and seriously regret your decision.

I think you should ask social services about temporary foster care. See how you feel after a month with your child.

Mental health support just isn’t where it needs to be and ‘getting support’ really isn’t as simple as it sounds but try and take all the advice and support you are offered.

Sounds like you have very bad post natal depression. The love for your baby is there. Speak to your health visitor before you make any rash decisions. If baby was planned where is the father.

I think this is the best advice if possible for op to see how she feels when the baby isn't with her. People should be able to give up their baby if it's in the best interest of both parties without being made to feel guilty. This sounds like a good way to test the waters without making a permanent decision.

As an aside, EST, or is it ECT? Worked really well to treat my friends depression.

Who is in your life who can take charge for a few days/weeks? You can’t bring a baby up with no help whatsoever, it would break most people. You need someone who can care for you, bring food, let you have a bath, catch up sleep and allow you to pause. You can’t make a monumental decision when you’re this tired and depressed.

I wanted adoption or simply to walk out on my partner and baby and run away when I was at my lowest. I didn’t realise at the time it was a temporary feeling and things change and get better.

Thank you for all the replies.

To answer @Jk987 and @notanothernamesurely I have heard several times, including from the perinatal mental health team, that it won't always be this hard but this feeling of living a nightmare has been going on for the best part of a year and every time I ask "When will it end?" the reply that I hear - from the doctor, from the perinatal mental health team, from other mothers- is: "How long is a piece of string?" So am I right in thinking post natal depression can last for years and years?
As I mentioned, I have had mental health issues which pre-date the arrival of the baby. I mentioned I am on anti-depressants for the past while which don't seem to be having a positive effect, although the meds do make me groggy and my joints sore, but the latest advice from the perinatal key worker (given yesterday) is that I should double the dosage.

To answer @Tryingtobenormal124 I have said more than once that I am a lone parent - there is no father. I am the only guardian named on the birth certificate. Please do not keep asking.

I have enquired about this and been told that ECT is very rarely administered these days for depression. Was your friend treated recently?

Are you the poster that left a life in Paris to move back nearer family? Apologies if not. If you are I remember your other thread and can understand why you’re struggling. I don’t have any experience of adoption but I have got a lively son. Parenting a baby is really hard work but as they grow and turn into a little person that you can do things with and talk to in a proper conversation, some things become easier and more enjoyable. I feel more myself with a child than I did with a baby. I would reach out for any support you can and try and exhaust absolutely all avenues before you decide to give him up.

PurpleProse82, I'm so sorry that your having such a tough time. My DH and I adopted 2 brothers who were 5 and 7 when they came to live with us. Of course, there have been some very difficult periods, but I honestly believe that the adoption has given them the best possible chance of having a happy and fulfilling life. My son's are now mid 20's and I'm so proud of how brave and resilient they are, despite the trauma they experienced with their birth family. I hope you are able to get the support you need, whatever you decide to do 🌸

This

Probably about 10 -15 years ago, but this was in Canada. When he went for the second round the results started to taper off so he stopped. He still gets somewhat depressed in winter but dramatically less so, (way less occasional feelings of suicide) He's become more productive too. Not to imply that that we all must bow to the productivity gods!

I remember your other threads OP and I'm sorry things haven't improved for you. The thing about adoption is you can read all the research you want but ultimately your child is an individual and if they were adopted, their experience would be unique to them. Some people do suffer long term trauma from being adopted. For some others, being adopted is just part of their identity and they aren't traumatised by the adoption and have loving close bonds with their adoptive parents . If your child is adopted, a lot of their experience will depend on their upbringing and relationship with their adoptive parents, something you'll have little control over.

And people have mentioned temporary fostering and I don't work in children social work but I'm pretty sure there are criteria for fostering. It exists for babies that are at risk of harm, neglect or abuse and need a place of safeguarding. It doesn't exist as some sort of holding pen for babies and kids while parents decide what they want to do. There's a shortage of foster carers and it comes at a cost to already stretched local authorities. I mean dont get me wrong, I wish there was more support for struggling parents but the idea you can just phone up social work and they'll whisk your baby into temporary foster care so you can have a break or make up your mind whether you want to keep your baby or not, is ridiculous

I am sorry the perinatal team haven't been more supportive and I think only you can decide what you want to do. But remember adoption may be a permanent solution to what is a temporary problem.

Is there any option of coming to England for a mother and baby unit?

I have bipolar and I had severe pnd and psychosis with my daughter. She was also a high needs baby. My partner and I looked into the adoption process when she was about 3-4 months. We were both frazzled and this was a much wanted and planned baby.

The way my psychosis manifested was around my daughter. I didn't think she was real, the issue with that was that anyone I only knew in connection with the baby such as the perimental health team and HV also weren't real. Later I didn't believe she was mine, every one told me how much she looked like me and it felt like a trick. I didn't understand why I was being forced to look after this baby who's needs I couldn't meet and just screamed at me. When she was 10 months I went into a mother and baby unit for just under 3 months and started on lithium at the top of the therapeutic dose alongside an antipsychotic, antidepressant and a second mood stabiliser. I then had VIG therapy which can be really good for bonding. You work with a psychologist and they do filming sessions with you and the baby and then you work through clips. It brought up a lot about me and my experiences of being cared for and the impact that was having on my bond with my daughter. I had this therapy until she was 2 and it took another year to be back to "normal" but the bond with my daughter really started to improve around 15 months. I couldn't call her my daughter until I got out of the mother and baby unit. I called her little one.

I was offered ECT if the lithium hadn't worked. It's still an option for treatment resistant severe depression. My episode was classed as treatment resistant when I was admitted to the mother and baby unit as I had tried increased doses of my mood stabiliser/antipsychotic which is also licenced for bipolar depression without an additional antidepressants. I had also tried 3 different antidepressants including 2 at a time.

My daughter is now 6 and I have a 10 month old as well. I've had pnd again but not as bad and no psychosis. My bond has been completely different this time around. Don't make any big permanent decisions right now but please don't feel like this is it. You can and will get better from the depression and you can decide upon the best place for your child as you go.

How is your sleep?

Tell me something about your daughter?

My daughter, my first, needs a lot of reassurance from me. She's a cautious thing and as a baby wanted me in touching distance at all times. I found this really hard even my partner couldn't hold her. It was on me always even though he would have gladly done what he could. It's was exhausting

My second, my son, is a happy thing. He's a charmer and smiles at everyone but saves the biggest smiles for me. He's happy to be passed around and it makes things easier.

If my daughters response to me returning to her was "you left me, why did you leave me. Don't do it again" his response is "yay you are back, I have been having a lovely time with this person but I'm so happy to see you again". My daughter has allergies and silent reflux and this massively impacted her first 3 years whilst we navigated treatment. From a logic place it makes so much sense that I was having a different experience to everyone around me...I had a different baby.

I hope you don't mind if I update this thread
I had a follow-up appointment with the perinatal psychiatrist today- I said that I have been feeling hopeless (despite being on the anti-depressants she prescribed six weeks ago), and she told me she is also starting to feel a bit hopeless as to how to help me, too. We didn't talk about adoption but I met a social worker two days ago to discuss and he confirmed what I thought, which is that kinship care would be the first resort i.e seeking suitable family members and friends to adopt. Legally, I think social workers have to go down that route first of all but selfishly from my point of view, it's not what I want.
Not at all because my family are abusive or neglectful - quite the contrary, its me who has been the aelfiah and foolish one in all this- but because my mother is elderly and my sister already has a full-time job and three children. It would blow my family apart and potentially sever all ties if I admitted I could not look after my baby. They are aware I am struggling and as I think I mentioned earlier, they do help but there is also an (understandably and quite accurately) attitude of "You got yourself into this situation, you wanted this baby."
I would love my baby to be adopted by a caring couple who are younger than I am but I also know I would not be able to face my own family or friends, who were all so delighted for me (as was I) when i got pregnant. I do not see any other option, however, and even the psychiatrist admitted earlier today that she is feeling hopeless.

A psychiatrist who says they are feeling hopeless .... just what you need!

Agreed. But that's what she said.

What is the next option after kinship care?

Well surely the next option would be looking at the wider community for people who have been approved for adoption but as I live in a small town where everybody knows everybody, it would become known and would be very shameful.

@PurpleProse82 I'm sorry you had that experience with your psychiatrist, it sounds very unprofessional. 💐 Is it possible to change provider?

English mother and baby units have been suggested, and I think that could be positive. Solo in-patient psychiatry could also be beneficial, if you had a kinship carer for a period of time? Your posts mention being ashamed if people knew, but please know there is nothing shameful about needing help.

Have you been able to look in to childcare options for during the day, to offer some respite? That would be a strong interim step to give some breathing room while you figure things out.

@PurpleProse82

I really would recommend you ask for this to be moved to the adoption board.
People there won't try to push you into making a decision one way or another, there are also a few birth mums there who will have another perspective.
I adopted in England and know that things work a bit differently in NI.
But if you do decide to go ahead with adoption and relinquish your baby, its not entirely up to you where they go.
What I would say to you is think long and hard. You can't change the fact that you planned, carried and gave birth to this child. I'm not saying that to try and make you feel guilty in any way. But think about the impact on you, one way or another you are going to have to come to terms with it.
If you give the baby up you may feel relief at first, but it will also be a tremendous loss for you.
So please come over to the adoption board. There is a wealth of experience there

Why would you imagine social services would think it was in your child's best interests, if they couldn't be raised by their birth mother or, failing that, another birth family member, to be adopted by someone in the same small town her birth family lives in? Of course that's not what happens.

Even in an open adoption where the child may have direct contact with a birth parents and/or siblings adopted into different settings, no one is going to to want that to be in the same area. It could not possibly be good for either the child or the adoptive parents or you. So you need not worry that people approved for adoption two streets over would be matched with your child.

However, obviously people will know. Your family and other people knew you were pregnant, and have seen you around with a baby for months. This can't be accomplished in total secrecy.

Honestly, OP, you should have this moved to the adoption board, where knowledgeable posters (some adoptive parents, some birth parents, some adult adoptees) will be able to dispel some of your fears.

ETA x-posted with @Ted27, who is absolutely right.

Understood. How do I request this to be moved formally to another board?

I'm rolling my eyes on your behalf OP, god knows how the psych thought that would go down.

Is short term fostering or respite an option? So you could get on an even keel but still check in with bairn?

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you're in this situation. I think you are doing brilliantly to communicate so clearly and openly about how you feel.

It's so important to remember that how you're feeling now is not concrete, and even without treatment you are overwhelmingly likely to recover.

Have I got it right that you have only been on treatment for 6 weeks?? That's such early days, antidepressants take bloody ages to start working (4-6 weeks) and then longer still to reach full effect. If they don't seem to work you might find a different type of antidepressant, sometimes an SNRI can work better for someone than an SSRI for example.

Adoption can absolutely be the best thing for some children, but the disruption to attachment is a trauma for young children. I think children's services will really want to help and support you. You could ask your perinatal team to refer you for support.