Trying to understand adoption: questions about honesty, contact, and foster carers

[BaobabsEli]

Hi everybody,

I hope it’s OK to post these questions here, and thank you in advance for reading.

I’m very new to all this and trying to get my head around adoption. I’d really value hearing from people who’ve been through it. Sorry if some of these questions have been asked before.

A few things I keep circling back to:

Honesty from social workers: Policy says adopters should get full and honest information, but in practice reports are sometimes softened so as not to “scare people off.”. I've heard from adopters who talk about information being omitted and how this impacted them later on. My feeling is that front-loading honesty is protective — families who hear the hard truths and still say yes are often more resilient because expectations are realistic. Obviously it's hard to spot if information is being omitted, but has anyone found ways to encourage professionals to be straight with you from the outset?

Foster carers: Research and my instincts suggest that disrupted placements often had weak foster–adopter relationships, whereas strong early cooperation really helps stability. I’d personally want to maintain ongoing contact with foster carers so a child doesn’t feel their life is split into “before and after,” but instead carries relationships with them. I've asked SWs about this and gotten a very mixed response. Did anyone successfully push for this? Was it supported or resisted by social workers? How did it work out?

Difficult backgrounds: Has anyone here come from an abusive background? I stayed with my birth parent as a child — without going into detail, it wasn’t safe. I understand SWs sometimes miss things, and sometimes children are separated unnecessarily. Ideally, support would allow parents to care for their children safely — for example, mother-and-baby homes or foster-to-adopt schemes where the parent has a chance to “steady the ship.” But some parents can’t provide safety, which can create real risk and psychological harm.

I worry about how I’d manage these feelings because, as someone with lived experience of abuse, it will make impartiality harder. I’ve seen examples online where birth parents post in distress on agency pages, and agencies shut down dialogue rather than model compassionate responses. It sometimes feels like if they can’t handle difficult discussions themselves, they may struggle to support adoptive families effectively. How have you navigated distressing interactions, and have agencies helped you balance empathy for the birth parent with protecting the child?

Any insights, stories, or advice would be hugely appreciated — thank you so much for taking the time to read. I know these questions are broad, but I’m really trying to get a lay of the land.

I'm a professional rather than an adopter, but just wanted to pick up on your point about foster carers - the reason I think you might be getting a mixed response is that you're describing an ideal scenario that isn't always practical. Foster carers vary a lot, some see themselves as professionals who look after a child for a set period - sometimes specifically to ready the child for adoption - and then that child moves on and they don't feel they have a role in the child's life beyond that. They may have looked after tens of children before and will have their next in placement once yours moves on. It's not heartlessness, it's just not practical/how they perceive themselves to stay in the child's life on an ongoing basis. So you have to go into adoption fully prepared that the foster carers might not want to support this or not at the level you would ideally like.

Also - and I'm a great supporter of foster carers - transitions can sometimes be difficult all round. Sometimes the foster carer doesn't take to the adopter or vice versa. Sometimes there is genuine conflict over parenting styles - a routine-driven foster carer vs a responsive parenting adopter. Sometimes the foster carer doesn't want to let go or doesn't feel the adopter is right for the child. Sometimes adopters don't feel the foster carer has done the best job possible for their little one.

I don't want to overstate these issues, usually they are ironed out and things remain amicable. But it's not always the case that foster carer and adopter will want to remain in one another's lives. Where I have seen ongoing contact, it has usually looked like a meet up 1-2 times a year rather than a strong relational connection.

Just wanted to add I think your post shows you are really thinking about what adoption will entail, and that is very positive.

Thank you so much for taking the time to explain this — it’s really helpful to get a professional perspective. I think you’re right that I’m describing an ideal scenario, and it’s useful to hear why ongoing contact with foster carers isn’t always realistic. I understand that fosterers and adopters have very separate roles and sometimes conflicting approaches, and there are likely many reasons why some foster carers may be less inclined to maintain contact. For me, though, it’s something I’d actively be seeking if at all possible — I was wondering if that’s sometimes discouraged because of a lack of resources, or because fosters are often seen as necessarily separate.
I know there will be fosters I don’t click with, and vice versa — some whose goals don’t align with mine, and some whose do. As much as chemistry with the child is important, I feel that maintaining links with foster carers is equally significant. For a vulnerable child, the chemistry with a potential adopter is fragile, and I think the relationship with the fosterer — though different from the relationship with the bio parent — can form an important part of their heritage (obviously this very individual but it's something).
It seems that foster/adopter compatibility is often overlooked, assumed to be a broad group with only a few “matches” rather than something that could be considered more deliberately on a case-by-case basis. I’ve seen foster carers express a desire to maintain contact but be dissuaded, or adopters wanting distance, and time constraints or systemic pressures seem to leave these needs unconsidered. Aligning these connections early on feels like an important part of the puzzle.

Thank you for your patience and for sharing your expertise and insight! Long reply!! sorry - obviously my brain is full of this atm!

@BaobabsEli

I'm an adopter and have been fostering for the last 2 years. I foster older children who won't be adopted so a different scenario.
However from my experience and those of my fc friends, maintaining contact with children can be difficult for many reasons.
A child may move away, distance is a factor. If the FC has several children in place they will be managing family time, SW meetings, school stuff, reviews, medical apps etc etc.
One of my friends fosters babies and toddlers for whom the plan will be adoption. Last year alone she fosterd 6 children. Its basically a case of one out one in. You can't possibly maintain relationships with that many kids. Don't forget FCs also have their own kids and families. They only have so much time.
My friend does sometimes work with families to improve parenting with the aim of reuniting them. So far only one has been successful. There are mother and baby placements and units. My own son was in one with his mum. Both his parents had a lot of input, didn't work.

Of the 3 young people Ive fostered, one hates me, one is indifferent, the current one loves me but is unlikely to be able to stay.
The information thing is difficult. I think SWs sometimes do withhold information. But sometimes they just don't know.
I adopted an 8 year old. The FC described one child to me, his teacher another, I think the one I took home was somewhere between the two. I don't think anyone had any great expectations of him. He's 21 and just returned to uni for his final year.
I think its also incumbent on adopters to educate themselves.
If a profile uses words like busy, lively, spirited, start reading up on ADHD. They may not have it but forewarned is forearmed.
If the parents lifestyle says chaotic, think about alcohol consumption and FASD.
As always a lot complexity in adoption.

Hi. I’m an adoptive mum (can probably tell from my name). For what they’re worth I’ve put my thoughts below for you.

Honesty from social workers - our situation may be unusual but I feel we had the opposite situation. SWs highlighted every possible issue that may or may not come up with LO to the point I was quite worried something was missing from the reports.
She was trying to make sure we were prepared but it was overdone tbh.

Foster carers - we really like ours but it’s taken almost a year to get to the point we’re all able to handle a meet up.

They did a great job with my LO but they were really attached which made them really push for introductions to go well but also made moving day hard. They were upset which meant LO was and so were we.
We maintained a great message group relationship where we would ask all manner of things (first word? Allergic to XYZ? I forgot what you said about part of their routine etc) but our first meet up was really really hard for LO.

I think our aim going forward is going to be a meet up in the summer and maybe at Christmas along with exchanging birthday cards and an update on our message group every couple of months. That seems like plenty to me.

Ultimately there is no right or wrong way to have this relationship. As Pp said, not all foster carers want an ongoing relationship. For some children it would be too hard to see FCs with a new foster child. For some the FCs and adopters don’t get on at all.

Difficult backgrounds - you’ll dig into all that with the social worker during your assessment.
It’s very hard to know what you do about your child’s background, especially once the love comes, but you manage because what else can you do?

With regards to birth parents, I think it’s quite rare to find that they were outright awful people. Instead they tend to be damaged people who made awful choices. It’s hard to navigate your feelings around them but a bit of compassion can go a long way because at the end of the day, you don’t want your child to feel that they came from a monster.

For me I’ve had a bit of counselling around this because having LO here highlighted some pretty big issues with my own parents and my childhood. That’s been really helpful but I wasn’t ever physically unsafe, more parented in an emotionally stunted way that was quite typical at the time I think.

In an ideal world, FCs and adoption wouldn’t be needed but that’s not where we live.
Everyone in the process (birth parents, SWs, FCs, children, adoptive parents) are human beings bringing their complex feelings into it.
There is no one way to feel about any of it and there’s no one right way to do it. You just have to go through the process, challenge the things that don’t work for you and your LO and accept that there are always going to be hard parts that don’t work as well as they could.

Thank you so much for such a thorough response — I really appreciate it. Your 21-year-old sounds like a very accomplished young man — with a proud parent! That's such a lovely thing to share. I hope his final year goes smoothly!

What you’re describing about foster carers seems to mirror other thorough response (feel quite lucky as re-read my post and see it's very ramble-y), so it’s helpful to see that consistency across adopters and professionals.

I can see how busy and emotionally demanding fostering is, and I wouldn’t want to push for anything that isn’t realistic. I guess what I’m really thinking about is that some adopters may be keen to maintain a relationship (as long as its not too painful for the kids) — once or twice a year — while others may not. I was wondering if there’s ever a way to factor that preference into pairing people.

Thank you also for highlighting the language to look out for. I volunteer with a youth group and have started to notice how descriptions of kids can give clues, so that’s helping me get a bit more familiar. I think what I need to focus on now is learning more about the risk factors people talk about and how they apply in practice.

OP are you a prospective adopter, prospective foster carer or prospective social worker?

I’m a foster carer who has moved several little ones on to adoption. This is such a rewarding thing and a privilege to be able to do this.
I fully support ongoing contact with the adoptive families, as do most of my foster carer friends. However, practically it takes some working out. The longer in the fostering role, the more families to keep in touch with and the more stretched we become, with our own family and new children placed in our care.
We try our very best to make this happen around our commitments.
I cannot see how foster carers and adopters can be paired together. Finding families for the children is complex enough and this must be the priority.

Thank you so much for sharing all this.

It does sound like having every possible issue highlighted by the SW is helpful in some ways, though I can see how that would be overwhelming at the time.

What you say about foster carers really resonates. Some of the carers I’ve spoken to have kept in contact, while others haven’t, and I wasn’t sure if that was just chance, regional practice, or down to personalities. I suppose I was wondering whether it’s something that can ever be factored in, or if it really just depends on how the cookie crumbles.

I agree with the way you describe birth parents — as people who are hurt and vulnerable rather than “monsters.” That's how I see it, and it makes sense that compassion has to be part of the process. I think what I’m noticing in some of the conversations I’ve had (with SWs or reading reports) is how black-and-white the language can sometimes sound - it feels a bit like what ought to be the case vs what is the case kind of situation - which doesn’t seem to have space for the messy reality. I just worry how people can advocate for themselves in that environment.

I hope I don’t sound too hopelessly naive — my questions are mostly shaped by what I’ve seen in local youth groups and in research papers, so hearing individual experiences like yours is really eye opening.

Thank you so much for sharing this — it’s lovely to hear how much you value moving little ones on to adoption, and that you and your foster carer friends do try to make ongoing contact work, even with all the competing demands. I can completely see how, the longer you foster, the harder it must become to juggle those relationships alongside new children and your own family life.

I suppose what I’m really hoping for isn’t something fixed or written in stone, but that adopters’ and foster carers’ preferences around ongoing contact could at least be heard and, where possible, factored in. I know some long-term foster carers couldn’t possibly keep in touch with every child — and for some adopters, that wouldn’t be what they wanted either. But for others, like me, building on those connections could feel like a really important part of creating an extended family network for a child - I don't have that to offer and I didn't growing up, so if I were to adopt I'd like to find ways to provide that in whatever way I can.

From what I’ve read, maintaining links like these can sometimes help mitigate later challenges adoptees face. And whether it’s through contact with foster carers / so they have a connection to their past, or other connections through events and adoption community events - it feels like these continuities can make a real difference over the long term.

Hi. Good questions.

We tried to stay in touch with the foster mother. She had fostered over 300 children - she was featured on Surprise Surprise on tv and got to meet Cliff Richard! - but our younger daughter was the most favourite child she had ever looked after. We live about 150 miles away but would go and see her and keep the girls in touch with their roots. She started to lose interest after a few years. Our daughter didn't remember her (she was nearly 2 when she left her), she wasn't the cute toddler the fc remembered, and she had a totally different accent, which the fc didn't like. Meanwhile fc hadn't taken to our older daughter and I was becoming concerned about how unpleasant she was being to her. So it fizzled out. She didn't respond one time when I called her and she didnt send Christmas cards. I checked with the LA that she was ok. They said she had been bereaved and was overwhelmed. We never heard from her again.

Re what sws tell you, part of the problem is that they have to have evidence. They may have concerns that birth mum was drinking or that birth dad might be a paedophile for example but if there is no evidence they will not be able to tell you. And they pull together paperwork for the courts to grant the adoption order - they don't necessarily look in every crook and canny, just what they need to get the order.

With younger children, there may be concerns about development but if these are not confirmed by a paediatrician, they wont put it in. And sadly they have no incentive to get a child properly assessed as issues will put adopters off. So you have to read between the lines. If they say things like "will benefit from attending nursery" you can guess there are issues.

But tbh you just don't know with adoption. I have known literally hundreds of adopters. Many tried their hardest to find the "perfect" child with no issues but it didn't work out like that. Some people take babies from birth and still end up with extremely challenging children.

Foetal alcohol syndrome is endemic in the adoptee population and there is no cure. Many children dont show the facial features and the problem with alcohol is that, unlike drugs, it is legal and tolerated. It is often consumed at home. There is every chance that professionals don't know about it. They may guess but many families aren't on the radar til after the birth.

For what it's worth, I believe that you are less likely to have major problems with children whose birth parents had a bit of a blip rather than coming from generations of chaos.

Anyway good luck.

@Arran2024 Thank you so much for sharing all of this — it really helps to hear such a full picture from someone with your experience.

The story about your younger daughter’s foster carer is something — it must have been odd, starting with that sense of being “the favourite” and then seeing the contact fade away for all sorts of reasons outside your control. 300 children seems like a prize winning number, indeed! I get that you can't like all kids, but how odd that after all that experience her behaviour with your older kid was enough to '..course concerns'.
...she must have been quite a character.

What you said about the difference between families who’ve had a “blip” versus those with generations of chaos was thought-provoking. It makes sense that the context matters as much as the immediate crisis. I do worry about how I would manage extreme behaviours - particularly how I'd manage with little support (which is going to be/currently is the case with funding cut backs etc).

...it's still really early days for me, so thank you again for your time and patience. You've given me a lot to mull over.

@BaobabsEli

Remember that at this point 'your" child is hypothetical. You don't know sex, age, eye colour, hair colour etc.
So it can be difficult to think about how you would support them.
At some point a real child will enter your life. The hypothetical child will become a living, breathing little person. Then you become a parent and you do what you need to do. You will aquire new friends along the way, you may lose some.
You find your way, your new normal.

@BaobabsEli I’m both an adopter and a child protection social worker so I have both perspectives to draw on.

From a social worker honesty perspective the best way to think about it is the stronger the relationship, the safer it is and the more honesty is possible on both sides. Yes social workers have a duty to be honest, they also need to balance the rights and needs of everyone involved in the process and sometimes those rights can clash. For example there may be something in the birth parents background that might impact the child, the parents have the right to privacy, the prospective parents may have a need to know. Different workers will balance those needs and rights differently but the better relationship they have with you the easier it is to make decisions about what and how to share because they can predict how you’ll respond and can trust that you’ll deal with that information appropriately.

In terms of foster care contact, in my case the foster carers were desperate to maintain contact with my DC. This desire was driven by their own need rather than what was in my DC best interests. It became clear that they simply would not stick to a contact plan, to the serious detriment of my DC. The contact was actively harmful to them and I made the decision to end it. It was the right decision for my DC, as much as I would have liked a positive relationship with them it just wasn’t possible.

There are many moving parts in assessment and matching. Finding the right parents for the right children at the right time is very challenging - trying to then meet the aspirations of adoptees and foster carers would throw another complexity into the mix of an already complex process and may mean children remain in care for even longer or end up not being adopted because they effectively age out of the process. The best you can do is be open about your wishes throughout the process and see what might be possible once matched.

I had a very difficult childhood, it certainly didn’t prevent me adopting but I had extensive therapy before I went anywhere near adoption. It’s important because no matter how much you think you’ve overcome, absolutely nothing triggers your own trauma like parenting your own kids. You need to know what you “look like” when triggered, have well established supports and strategies and be very able to put your own stuff aside for the needs of your child - and that is hard particularly in the context of adoption.

I’ve seen examples online where birth parents post in distress on agency pages, and agencies shut down dialogue rather than model compassionate responses. It sometimes feels like if they can’t handle difficult discussions themselves, they may struggle to support adoptive families effectively. How have you navigated distressing interactions, and have agencies helped you balance empathy for the birth parent with protecting the child?

In the example you give it would by highly inappropriate for agencies to respond to posts on pages that are open for anyone to read. They have no way of knowing who has posted, it’s often the case that any response leads to disclosure about individual circumstances which leaves the poster even more vulnerable and can open up something that can’t be safely held in a public space. In my experience while the public post is shut down, where possible a worker will contact the person privately to offer support.

Social workers have very difficult discussions all the time - they’d terrible at their job if they couldn’t. That doesn’t mean social work is the best source of support in all circumstances, because their role has a legal remit which means their capacity to offer long term support is limited. When my DC were first placed I had twice weekly and then weekly home visits. Mine was very complex placement and the support was so valuable. My social worker found me in all kinds of states and was compassionate, caring and practical.

I have always held a positive view of birth parents. In many cases the placing social worker has worked with the family for years, and know their challenges well. Removing children is a very hard decision even when you know it’s the right thing and you always hold hope that families will work out. If that can’t happen there’s a real compassion and sadness for the family.

I remember in our matching panel the chair being quite emotional telling us we had been successfully marched. Members of the panel had worked with my kids for years and were so pleased they had found what they considered to be a really good match for them - we grow to care for the kids and their parents, even when things have been very challenging.

Re what sws tell you, part of the problem is that they have to have evidence.

Social workers do need evidence but there’s also always a gap in their knowledge. Generally speaking social workers see what families want them to see (eg because they need support with housing, finance or practical help) and what families can’t hide (eg substance misuse, extreme neglect). There’s a huge swathe of stuff that falls between those two points that, unless families chose to disclose you simply won’t know because there’s no visible impact/evidence, families are very good at hiding things and you’re not there all the time.

There are things in my kids background that I know because I see the impact on them now, or they’ve been able to disclose as they get older that don’t appear in their records. Their social workers did a really good job but the kids were too young to be able to tell, and the adults hid a lot of what was happening.

@Jellycatspyjamas Thank you so much for such a detailed response — it’s really helpful.

I completely understand that social workers need to balance honesty with the rights and needs of everyone involved, and I agree that building a strong relationship with your SW is key to navigating that. The balancing act reminds me a bit of frameworks in healthcare, like the Helsinki Declaration, where sharing relevant information is essential for consent, but “relevant” is open to interpretation. I wonder if social work has something similar?

I’m sorry the foster carer’s desire to maintain contact couldn’t be balanced with what was safe for your child. I can imagine how difficult that must have been for them emotionally. It makes me think that some carers might benefit from extra guidance or refreshers in training before continuing their role, particularly around recognising when their desire to keep in contact might unintentionally cause serious detriment to a vulnerable child.

I also agree it would be highly inappropriate to respond publicly to grievances online — I didn’t phrase my point well before! What I meant is that agencies might do something to show, in/directly, how transparent communication is maintained with biological parents. For example, highlighting guidance on how bio parents’ mental health needs are considered by the agency as a whole, or highlighting how parents could safely raise concerns or contact the agency if they don't feel empowered or able to do so via their own SW. I know all of this info is available, but flagging it up might be a way to say: we hear you.

I completely see how challenging social work is — looking at all of this is mind-blowing, and I’m in awe of what you do. As a prospective adopter, it’s all new and sometimes my questions are badly worded. It's an alarming process - rightly so! Adopting is massive - so hearing your experience really helps me understand the realities of fostering and adoption.

The balancing act reminds me a bit of frameworks in healthcare, like the Helsinki Declaration, where sharing relevant information is essential for consent, but “relevant” is open to interpretation. I wonder if social work has something similar?

Yes, the principles for social work are relevant, necessary and proportionate. So is this information relevant to the issue at hand - this can be a moveable feast as you can imagine. Is it necessary ie is sharing this information needed to meet a particular aim (as opposed to possibly being good to know). Is sharing this information a proportionate response to a particular risk.

The reality is there is a desperate shortage of foster carers and it’s extremely unlikely some carers will be suspended until undertaking training around moving children to adoption. (if such a training even exists).
When a child is needing a foster placement there’s no way of knowing what the outcome for the child will be, so with lack of carers, the child will be usually placed where there’s a vacancy and not necessarily based on a carer’s experience or on the assumption that a child will be adopted/returned to birth family/parens or long term foster care.
In an ideal world the foster care system would be better funded and supported and more careful matching of child to carer could happen if there was a wider pool of carers.

I think behind the scenes there is more support for birth parents than most people realise. Social workers are in the centre of referrals for all sorts of things (drug/alcohol addiction services, mental health, physical health, benefits, education) and as an adopter you’re not going to know all the details - you’re entitled to the info about your child and their background but not necessarily about how the BPs interact with those support services.

I’m sure you also won’t be surprised to know that some BPs rage against the system because if they didn’t, they’d have to recognise and accept that they are the reason their children are being removed.

Foster carers are a in a strange role really, expected to care for our children as if they’re family then to keep whoever distance we need them to going forward. It’s definitely a hard relationship to navigate but I don’t think it can ever be a factor in matching or placing of children - FCs and adoptive parents are adults and just need to get on with it for the benefit of the child.

Hello, I'm a foster carer and have moved 9 children on to adoption, and have been involved with other adoptions too as a supporter of other foster carers going through the process.
I agree with all that's been said by others, but just a few things that occurred to me.

You asked if adopters had pushed for an ongoing relationship with the foster carers. In my experience if there is a mismatch between foster carers' and adopters' expectations in terms of how involved to be after placement it is almost always the foster carers who want more contact. So if as an adopter you're keen to stay in touch you probably won't have to push for this, the foster carers will probably be delighted!

My experience also is that once the carefully planned Introductions have taken place, foster carers and adopters are largely left to their own devices regarding their ongoing contact with no social worker involvement at all. So what develops grows from the relationship the two families have built before and during Introductions and no two cases are the same.

I see it as part of my role to prepare the child as best I can for their move to a new family and then to support the adopters as they get to know the child and I always strive to keep some form of contact afterwards. We are in a tricky position as this point because we are keen to hear updates about the child we have loved and cherished, and need to know they are doing OK, but we also know that it's a hugely emotional time for the brand new adoptive family who are probably exhausted. So we don't push, but very much hope to receive updates and hope we are able to see the child again in person as and when the new parents decide is right.

Thanks, that’s really lovely to read - esp the bit about you supporting other fosterers going through that process. is that a new role you took on, or have you been supporting other fosterers for a long time?

I started asking these questions because the stats you see about breakdowns really frightened me, and I wanted to understand the sample sizes behind them and what folk think might help.

Connecting kids to their past was a thing that kept coming up in research papers - and ongoing contact with foster carers (when it’s supported properly/or just unfolded naturally) was thought to help children feel more secure and at peace with their history. Made me wonder how often that happens.

thank you for the replies. It’s such a wild journey starting out looking into adoption. So many things out there that you can’t help but apply to your own life and think about whether you have it in you to cope with and how you might respond.

What research is this? Tbh I would be incredibly wary - the sample sizes are usually tiny.

Hey,

That’s a fair point — most of what I’ve been looking was quite small-scale and qualitative, so not necessarily generalisable. What struck me though was how often the theme of continuing meaningful connections post-placement cropped up - even with different samples and methodologies. These are a few/pdfs I looked at.

https://ueaeprints.uea.ac.uk/id/eprint/50763/1/Neiletal2013contactafteradoptionfullreport.pdf
https://trixcms.trixonline.co.uk/api/assets/boltoncs/3f96d041-3d32-4345-817d-fdf9d4ae0a69/brief-placing-sibs.pdf
https://www.nuffieldfjo.org.uk/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/nfjocontactwell-beingreport.pdf
There were more but hard to access.

They’re all modest in size, but the consistency of children saying they valued links to their past made me think it was worth paying attention.

And the scary stats I mentioned earlier were actually from the adoption barometer. I realise that’s more a survey/report than research, but it raised questions for me because it’s based on self-selected responses and I wondered how representative it might be...

...honestly, I guess my interest isn't in the robustness of evidence — but how many small-scale studies point similar things that children themselves say would help them feel more secure / reduce disruptions and troubles that are so rife in the barometer.

PS I know that I get a bit focussed on research but it feels like it's useful way for me to get a rounded perspective.

Hi

Sorry but they give so many caveats - like the 2nd study accepts that single placements might be less stable because the children are so challenging that they couldnt be placed together.

I suggest you go through the studies again with a more critical approach. Imo there are a lot of people trying to push sibling placements. Siblings may want this - my two love each other in theory but in practice the jealousy gets in the way and they cannot be left together unsupervised (and they are in their mid 20s!!).

I wondered if you had come across this? I haven't read it, only the press release, but it is full of info, and from a lot of adopters, albeit those with very challenging children.

https://www.thepotatogroup.org.uk/research