Trying to understand adoption: questions about honesty, contact, and foster carers

[BaobabsEli]

Hi everybody,

I hope it’s OK to post these questions here, and thank you in advance for reading.

I’m very new to all this and trying to get my head around adoption. I’d really value hearing from people who’ve been through it. Sorry if some of these questions have been asked before.

A few things I keep circling back to:

Honesty from social workers: Policy says adopters should get full and honest information, but in practice reports are sometimes softened so as not to “scare people off.”. I've heard from adopters who talk about information being omitted and how this impacted them later on. My feeling is that front-loading honesty is protective — families who hear the hard truths and still say yes are often more resilient because expectations are realistic. Obviously it's hard to spot if information is being omitted, but has anyone found ways to encourage professionals to be straight with you from the outset?

Foster carers: Research and my instincts suggest that disrupted placements often had weak foster–adopter relationships, whereas strong early cooperation really helps stability. I’d personally want to maintain ongoing contact with foster carers so a child doesn’t feel their life is split into “before and after,” but instead carries relationships with them. I've asked SWs about this and gotten a very mixed response. Did anyone successfully push for this? Was it supported or resisted by social workers? How did it work out?

Difficult backgrounds: Has anyone here come from an abusive background? I stayed with my birth parent as a child — without going into detail, it wasn’t safe. I understand SWs sometimes miss things, and sometimes children are separated unnecessarily. Ideally, support would allow parents to care for their children safely — for example, mother-and-baby homes or foster-to-adopt schemes where the parent has a chance to “steady the ship.” But some parents can’t provide safety, which can create real risk and psychological harm.

I worry about how I’d manage these feelings because, as someone with lived experience of abuse, it will make impartiality harder. I’ve seen examples online where birth parents post in distress on agency pages, and agencies shut down dialogue rather than model compassionate responses. It sometimes feels like if they can’t handle difficult discussions themselves, they may struggle to support adoptive families effectively. How have you navigated distressing interactions, and have agencies helped you balance empathy for the birth parent with protecting the child?

Any insights, stories, or advice would be hugely appreciated — thank you so much for taking the time to read. I know these questions are broad, but I’m really trying to get a lay of the land.

@Arran2024
Thank you — I completely see your point about the caveats, and I agree that the Trix “placing siblings” highlights lots of confounds, such as some placements being less stable because those kids were harder to place together in the first place.

Just to clarify, my interest isn’t on sibling placements — personally , I’m more interested in a single-child placement for myself — but on identifying things that help across various studies and situations, the good, the bad, and the ugly as it were. I wasn't looking to find an answer, but did see a trend across various studies some are open access pdf, some weren't - but I'm sure you have seen the research that these depts are doing. There's a lot out there.

I was just looking for patterns emerge across studies and what factors researchers look at that might help reduce risks and support stability, rather than taking any one study’s conclusions at face value, if you see what I mean..
..there aren't any meta-analysis out there (that I could see), so it was more from that angle - just to try and find something of a pattern

I’ve also looked at the Potato Group, which is an amazing resource for families navigating really tough teenage years. I can absolutely see the value of peer-led support when challenges peak, but I’m just at the beginning of this journey, so I’m more looking at mitigate risks in the early years. Potato seem to write about that too - but less so.

I understand that - I was making more general points about adoption research

Firstly that research is often on a tiny sample size and full of caveats and done to test out or support a particular hypothesis - i only mentioned the sibling issue because it was one of the studies you shared.

Secondly, the potato group members were all like you once, trying to beat the odds of having very challenging children. Things didnt turn out how they hoped. These are highly motivated adopters, many of whom have given up careers, friendships, marriages. Some of their experiences may help - for example in agreeing help if necessary, like an adoption allowance, before the child is placed.

@BaobabsEli

18 years in here, you can’t beat the science. There are no risk factors in adoption that you can mitigate against. Also, if you end up with the child that you tried to dodge, then how would you cope? That’s the thing about adoption, there’s lots of uncertainty.

Im not exactly trying to beat the odds as it were - but wondering if their current situation is a little bit broken, and why. That's all really. If I can see the issues I might be better prepared when issues occur, which they will.
You read so many accounts out there with people talking about a strained and slightly outdated system. I was just trying to see how people are responding to that. Im sorry for expressing myself badly.

I so new. I know you’ve all seen many people come through here - all with similar questions and assumptions. I've a lot to learn.
I do realise that adoption is going to be challenging, and that this journey is never going to be easy. Every child who has experienced trauma—and they all carry some—will take their own time to settle, not always in the way we hope. I know that. It’s frightening and sad. It’s why I want to learn as much as I can: to listen, understand, and see what you all have to share. Thank you for your thoughts and guidance.

We all here hope we will be the one/s to dodge the bullets. Honestly, no adoptee is unscathed by their experiences. You can be as scientific as you like in terms of your research into risk factors. The thing is, you cannot equate for an individual child’s innate resilience. I think it’s fair to say that most adopted children now are affected by alcohol in utero so maybe start looking into foetal alcohol spectrum disorder (FASD)?

I have done some research re FASD, but need to learn more esp as things develop. I really like Dr R Mukherjee

I see that FASD is a spectrum - not necessarily that bad, but it def can be.

My mother drank before and after. I’ve lived experience of trauma and alcohol abuse in a parent. I wasn’t entirely unscathed, but I’m out the other side, functioning at a high level and have a stable relationship.

I’m saying this because I do believe you can apply methods to help mitigate and aid recovery. Everybody will surely have their own heads, with their own peculiarities, anxieties and traumas, but I genuinely believe we’re not so random as to be entirely unpredictable…that’s a matter for debate though. I see that. No magic fix o crystal ball.

Recovery might not look like what you hope for. My children have done remarkably well considering but many people would not think so.

While there is value in research and studies, they speak to particular children in particular settings - you simply can’t generalise that much when it comes to people which is why received wisdom changes all the time in adoption. The things that will help you parenting an adopted child are:-

• flexibility in thinking. Absolutely read up but hold all the theories lightly and parent the child you have in front of you.
• know that they aren’t doing it “to” you, they’re doing it in front of you. Their behaviour is neither purposeful or personal.
• have a really good understanding of developmental trauma, and the very many ways of supporting recovery. No matter who says what there is no one right way, find approaches that work for your child - in my case my two children need completely opposite ways of parenting.
• create as much capacity as possible for you to attend to your kids. That means having as many options financially as possible, so you can adjust your working life as needed. I’ve done very part time, self employed, full time work and back to slightly part time. It also means creating headspace for your kids so reducing outside commitments.
• be realistic. No matter what age the child the early weeks and months are very hard in lots of ways. Think about emotional and practical support and have this in place and use it. Ask for help early and often.
• deal with your own shit. Seriously any sore spots you have - address them because parenting traumatised kids takes self awareness and resilience - more than you can imagine.

Generally speaking the more stable you are - relationally, physically, emotionally, financially - the more stable a base you can provide for your child. Links to the past, an understanding of adoption, FASD, all the research in the world won’t compensate if you yourself aren’t stable and secure, and can’t flex what you do in response to your child.

You could join the FASD Network on FB, which is a wonderfully supportive group and they are lobbying hard at government, Ministries of Justice and Education and NHS/ICB levels.

As a prospective adopter, you sound properly curious and cautious and very well researched. What I would counsel now is that you develop your own resilience, especially if you are adopting as a singleton. By this I mean, start saving hard so you have a financial cushion in case you have to sacrifice your career as your child’s needs mean they cannot access wraparound care. I would join all the relevant groups on FB ie PATCH, FASD Network, the Single Adopters’ Network, PDA in Adoption, plus the ASGSF campaign group, to name but a few off the top of my head. You may want to check out various special needs in education groups too, as I can 100 per cent guarantee that a few years down the line, you will be battling for an EHCP, if they still exist by then!

One big thing I would like to mention is that there is a widely held presumption that everything in Adoption Land is because ‘trauma’. This does our children a huge disservice as they are fobbed off with rubbish ‘therapies’ and denied access to universal services like CAMHS…because adopted and because the (now heavily reduced) ASGSF. Please read up on the incredibly high heritability factors for autism and ADHD and other neurodevelopmental conditions. You will come to understand why our children’s parents and grandparents lived such chaotic and dysfunctional lives.

Thank you so much for sharing your perspective — it’s invaluable to hear from people with such lived experience. I completely agree that every child is unique, and that flexibility, self-awareness, and resilience are crucial as a parent.

I’m just at the start of this journey, so my interest in FASD, links to the past, and other research is really about understanding what might help mitigate risk where possible — not assuming any child is predictable, but seeing what people think of current ideas and approaches- no concrete solutions, but looking at comfort that seems to work across people's experiences. I thought perhaps maintaining links to a foster carer was a good thing to work towards, but I see that this is not something that can be applied to all.

Having some lived experience of autism, FASD and intergenerational trauma, I know these things can be managed (though that’s my personal experience, just mine - and it will look different for others out there). That’s why I want to be as well-researched and supported as possible going in, because I’m human and have my own challenges - that said I have a stable relationship with my partner, we've discussed the possibility of one of us giving up work, have savings, and are building a community around us with experience of adoption and children experience of trauma.

I came here because I see the barometer stats and discussions about current systems — it’s clear things don’t work for everyone, and I wanted to understand how these reports are perceived and if there's an idea of what might help new people going in.

I really appreciate your point that providing a stable, responsive, and flexible environment is the most important foundation.
Thank you again — this has been incredibly informative, and I’ve learned a lot.

*For clarity, I’m not a single adopter — I’m in a relationship, financially stable (for now — no crystal balls, but we have savings), and we’ve discussed one of us potentially giving up work. I also don’t intend to adopt a sibling group, which is what I meant earlier by “single adoptions.”. - poor phrasing on my side. I am cautious of adopting sibling groups and the dynamics behind but that is def a different conversations/thread!

Again, thank you. I will weigh all this up and think long and hard about all the comments here. Loads of resources shared so thank you.

I just wanted to give another couple of thoughts on foster carer links.

My two came to us at 2 and 3, from FCs who both loved them and were/are desperate to continue being part of their lives. However, another of them foster any more, partly due to our boys and the grief they had over the loss of that relationship. Moving children onto adoption isn't necessarily very common- one of the FC said that her agency had set up a support group for the three of them who had done it in the last year, and that they had all had wildly different experiences. She was the one with the most contact.

We had such a tricky start that whilst we had the best intentions for very regular meet ups, we found it difficult to maintain anything that didn't set the boys off and cause meltdowns, heartbreak and distress for all parties. And you have to remember, this is at a time when you are trying to work out what to do with this little soul who is incredibly distressed and you don't understand. If they are pre verbal, they are possibly crying over and over again and you can't understand why-or you can and you can do nothing about it. You are possibly knackered and bewildered and demoralised. Organising your way out of a paper bag seems really difficult, let alone super regular FC visits that aren't supported by anyone. In addition, some therapists we worked with discouraged too much contact and visiting. We ended up treading a line between them all, with 2 or 3 visits in the first 6 months outside of the allocated transition time. Not all professionals thought it was a good idea, and we definitely got a mixed reaction. We have now settled on 1-2 times a year and letters/postcards as and when. It's practical and means we can still have a sense of stability without it being too onerous on any one party.

Our boys FC have such value for our boys, and they are lovely people. They knew our boys from when they were teeny tiny tots, and also (valuably for us) had contact with BPs and could give a balanced view of what they were like. Their connection to both the boys and their BPs mean that I hope one day the boys can have a conduit to their BPs that isn't just through us. I will say though, one of our kids had a terrible FC prior to the one before that, and the only way I would want them to meet is if it were in a court of law suing her for every penny I could. No way on God's green earth would I support contact.

One FC also maintained contact with BP after the adoption. She generally handled it well from my understanding and what she told us, but that is always a possibility. It came from her, and not the SW too- so if she hadn't told us, we wouldn't have known. We feel that we can trust her more, because she told us, but it did make me realise how tricky it is, especially where there may have been a long lasting and ongoing relationship between FC and BP (think mother and baby placements being supported, long term contact, being required to support contact positively etc), and the idea for adoption may not have been communicated to them with clarity or speed. FC sometimes seems to be the last to know plans, and expected to fall in line no matter what, and the personal whiplash that can cause must be really tricky.

Anyway, what I've realised is that no two situations are the same, and the early years of adoption can be very volatile. People will try their best, but lives do move on and priorities change. I see my role as maintaining a relationship for as long as it will benefit my kids and that provides a lovely, natural, periodical opportunity for us to discuss life stories and emotions about their stories.

My son's CPR portrayed him as a perfect child aged 2.5, ahead in all milestones, no behavioural issues etc - it was far from the case. He was excluded from school aged 4 for behavioural issues, now attends a special school for boys with severe behavioural problems. He has massive attachment issues. I don't think the info was deliberately excluded, some of it the foster carer wasn't sure that it was beyond typical, other issues are only made clearer with age. You never know what you are going to get but you can be sure there will be some sort of additional needs with almost any adopted child.

My son was his foster carer's first fc and they adored each other - placed for 21 months. I did push for contact, SW didn't think required but did not object, every 3 months then gradually dropping to yearly which we have kept up for 11 years. Initially it was very painful for my son but I also think it helped him process she had not actually abandoned him. Now she is a bit like an aunt who we don't see very much. It is definitely worth trying. It helped that she was very supportive of his placement with us and we did get on fine, although nothing much in common except my son. Also it is probably unusual that she is so committed to ongoing contact after so long. We live two hours apart. It would be sad if she decided she didn't want to continue, expectations have to be managed so carefully for the child.

My girls' foster carer thought there were no issues. The girls were nearly 2 and just over 3 when they left her, so partly this was due to age. But also she had very few expectations. She didn't really take them out for example. She had a large garden with loads of outdoor toys and she let them play. There were other foster kids there too, plus she knew other foster carers, who brought their kids round, and her own grandchildren. Or they were watching tv.

When the girls came to live with us, we had a different set up. We expected to visit other families for Sunday lunch for example. To go shopping in town. To learn to ride a bike. To do some painting or baking.

And this is when it became clear that they couldn't focus, got bored after a couple of minutes, couldn't do it.

It is really hard with young children as a lot of issues are not picked up til they start nursery. And you can't be sure that foster parents are going to pick things up. Their priority is to safely care for the children, and this may not include the sorts of experiences adopters would have done with children.