Told ‘thriving and meeting all milestones’ during matching but clearly not the case

[Thudds]

We are very near the end of the process of adopting a 9 month old who experienced ongoing cocaine, cannabis, methadone and diazepam use in pregnancy. Fostered from hospital discharge at 9 days. We stated that we would not be looking for a child with known disabilities due to our existing daughter. This is why we didn’t look at newborns so their development was a little more obvious. We have always accepted that the future of any child and particularly adopted children is uncertain. However all the notes reported the child (trying not to divulge sex for confidentiality) is ‘thriving and meeting all their milestones’. We met for the first time this week and this is clearly not the case which came as a big shock. They are only just sitting and can manage a few minutes max. Can roll from front to back with difficulty. Has always been described as ‘chilled’ but not worryingly so. Internet says placid baby meeting milestones is fine but that now seems not to be the case. After raising the alarm we find out they had an updated paediatrician assessment at 8 months and gross motor delay was mentioned. No one told us this. We cannot help already being emotionally invested. If it was just them and we were a bit younger we’d be cracking on but we have a biological 5 year old and we are desperate not to negatively impact her life by potentially introducing someone who disproportionately takes her parent’s attention away long term if there are going to be learning disabilities and might not be able to play with her in the way she would expect. We also need to know the potential adopted child should (as far as you can say for anyone) be able to live independently as an adult because we are (fit) older parents. Mind is careering about. Any thoughts or experiences would be gratefully received.

Aw. I'm so sorry. The problem is that sws do go by medical reports and until they have a report saying x and y, they regard everything as being fine. But with that back history, that was unlikely to be the case.

I need to pop out now but will get back to you v soon xx

I have a few thoughts.

Better to pull out now than during intros or after placement.
Development gaps grow more than they shrink.
'Meeting milestones' is a very broad range anyway. The lower end of 'meeting milestones' is lower than you might expect.

Our line was 'should be expected to attend mainstream school, and live independently as an adult'.

we have a biological 5 year old and we are desperate not to negatively impact her life by potentially introducing someone who disproportionately takes her parent’s attention away long term if there are going to be learning disabilities and might not be able to play with her in the way she would expect.

If you adopt any nine-month old, there is high risk of the child disproportionately taking your attention from the five-year-old long term, regardless of whether the baby is technically meeting milestones when they are placed. It's really hard to say whether a nine-month-old is going to be able to live independently as an adult. This is why neurodivergence and learning difficulties are not diagnosed until much later. But yes, in the case of this child, it does look more certain that they are likely to have some additional needs, even over and above the 'average' adopted child. I agree that it would be better to pull out now if this is going to be a concern for you. It's not something that will go away.

This sounds a very hard decision. Agree with others that it will only get harder if you're really not sure.
If you've been thinking about avoiding newborns because you want more information on development, then it sounds like 9 months could be too young for you too. Only just sitting at 9 months may seem late but it's still within the expected range, there's much less to go on at this age. Would you consider older children? Realise you have a five year old so wouldn't be considering very much older, but you'd at least have more of a picture with a 2 or 3yo.

I'm back!

We adopted two sisters in 2001. Long story but they both had a lot more needs than we realised. Both attended special schools, had ehc plans, got dla, pip. Both have loads of diagnoses and one has a proper learning disability.

They are 26 and 27 now. So anyway here are my thoughts:

You can't really adopt with a view to making a playmate for your birth child. I know a lot of adopters and sibling relationships are probably the biggest single issue that anyone deals with. Sws overlook this imo. They make out it will be fine given time - unfortunately this isn't necessarily the case. The jealousy issues can be extreme and impossible to shift.

Lots of adopted children end up being diagnosed with all sorts of things that aren't obvious pre school. My two have adhd, asd, executive functioning disorder speech and language disorder, epilepsy, moderate learning disability, genetic deletion, probable ehlos dahners syndrome, dyslexia between them. That's not even considering the adoption issues like attachment difficulties, low self esteem, friendship difficulties, identity issues, jealousy....

You can't really know about much of this before they start nursery or school imo.

But anyway, my daughters are delightful. They have not gone off the rails - no drink, drugs, county lines, abusive behaviour, prison etc which sadly many of my friends have experienced.

The additional needs have acted as a sort of protective factor. Lots of additional support. Taxis to and from school meant not getting into trouble after school.

There is plenty they both can do ' it is important not to just see what they can't. They both cycled, did rock climbing, swam, horse riding for example. We loved going to theme parks, going on holidays.

One has a full time job and lives with her boyfriend. The other one is at home and goes to college but she will be moving into supported living soon, and that's the thing about high level needs - the LA WILL get involved and put in support. There is no need for anyone to have to look after a sibling.

I feel blessed to have found these girls, who have given me a profoundly different experience to what I was expecting of parenting. Sure, I can't take them to art galleries or get them to read books, but they are funny and joyous and show you there's more to life than "success" and "fitting in".

Sally Philips is worth checking out. She has a son with Downs Syndrome and is very vocal about the joys he brings (her son is actually friends with my daughter).

I certainly wouldn't discount this match. However, I would be looking for an adoption allowance xx

I adopted a 9 month old who couldn’t sit or roll unaided and was classed as having gross motor delay. They crawled at 11 months and walked at around 22 months. They are now 9 and last night won a medal in their first athletics competition, which was preceded by a gymnastics medal a few weeks earlier. No delays at all now!

Lots of children can have delay at this age and you really have to bear in mind that foster carers vary enormously in what they do. I’m sure my child had delay because the foster carer, while wonderful in many ways, never did tummy time, never got on the floor with them, didn’t promote anything physical etc.

Haven’t you had a meeting with the LA paediatrician? This was standard when we adopted. This baby appears to have some delay but that doesn’t mean they’re going to have a disability. You’re making huge leaps.

By the way, my baby was also very chilled. They are a little firecracker now!!

Another story here of a 9 month old not rolling or crawling. They walked at 30 months and didn't really run until over 4 however now, loves hiking and tennis. Like everything gross motor delay is such a spectrum and in some circumstances with lots of support and physio it all comes together.

Thank you very much everyone. I really appreciate your time and your stories. Food for thought.
We have the appointment with the paediatrician on Monday but I expect they’ll be understandably sitting on the fence.
To FloppySarnie and Sunflower16 did either of yours have a similar pregnancy backstory?

For balance, my son could reliably sit at 12 months and walked at 17 months. He now has quite the shopping list of neurodevelopmental diagnoses, which only became apparent once he was school age. He is nonetheless a total superstar and while he has some difficulties, should be able to live an independent life as an adult. The fact is you just don't know, and the paediatrician, although they will give you the information they have, won't be able to tell you the future of the child either.

There will always be an element of risk and uncertainty when you adopt a baby, and you need to be accepting of that risk and committed to the child, regardless of their future path of development, if you are going to proceed. If you can't accept the level of risk then you need to step away, as to proceed would not be fair on the child.

I think any adopted child of any age will take a ton of attention away from your birth child. If the two will get on or not, or get on for a while and then not anymore, or the other way around, is impossible to predict.

Mine were 5 and 6 when placed with us, were healthy and now both have a lot of additional needs. There is still hope that those needs will reduce again, but at the moment they are immense. Since January we have needed an ambulance six times, and I am a carer. I believe both my children will be able to live independently at some point, but it will take a extra more years.

Your situation is very tricky, but, as others have said, that is partly due to the age group you are looking for. Medical advisors tend to err on the pessimistic side, so it is unlikely that they will make you feel much better about this child. However, any adopted child comes with a lot of risks.

They probably were meeting milestones when it was written/assessed.

A 9 month old is going to get more attention than your child.

Not sure what you mean by not playing with your daughter the way she would expect. Get a puppy.

Thinking more on this.

I am concerned that if you want to avoid uncertainty of development 9 months is still massively young regardless, and all the background you listed will lead to major major uncertainty.

Ours were 7 and 2, eldest was 'doing well at school, no known issues', youngest had a diagnosis of GDD but had made great strides in FC. We ended up with dyspraxia x2, executive function issues x1, dyslexia x1, extra exam time x2, EHCP x1, attachment issues? x1, MH issues x1 incl missing a key school year.

If you want more certainty I think you need a child that has a much less complicated background, or is older, at least walking and talking.

We don’t know much about the pregnancy backstory but birth mum has a moderate learning disability. Enough to warrant her having attended an SEN school. Obviously, this did make me worry a lot, but my child goes to quite an academic school (due to where we live rather than choice, as we’re in a village), and they are very strong academically (achieving greater depth in all areas).

I understand what it’s like to worry about uncertainly so I do empathise but honestly, this is the reality of adoption. I think this board has quite a high proportion of kids with additional needs - much higher than my experience of adopted kids.

I guess that the people experiencing problems are more likely to reach out, but my experience is that all the adopted children I know have some issues - my kids are in their mid 20s now and I have known lots of adopters and their children over the years. Only 2 have gone to uni for example, and one dropped out due to stress. I do think this is a fragile group of children who do tend to need a lot more support than the average child.

Hi op. I adopted twice. A 4 year old, no known issues. A baby with the same age and profile as you. Meeting all milestones. Both kids are disabled and I am now a stay at home carer. I am not sure either will be able to live independently. They both have full diagnoses, dla, echp, special school. I gave up my career and get carers. If you want to adopt a disabled baby then go for it. I always tell any adopters that they will be adopting a disabled child in some way or another because these days that’s what it is. Babies will have been affected by drugs and alcohol. Older children by neglect and domestic violence etc.

Thank you.
Your lived experiences and opinions are invaluable.

We have 2 adopted children with similar backgrounds to your potential little one. We were matched with our youngest in part due to the similarities in history with our eldest. Both boys joined us at a few weeks old. However our youngest was completely different to our eldest. He seemed very delayed, he did absolutely nothing at all for 8 months, we called him potato. He was super chilled out, but in a not very reassuring way! All his milestones seemed quite delayed (didn't roll, sit up, clap, wave until well over 8 months, didn't crawl until almost 12 months, walked on the later side of average). I was really quite concerned, also in due to the impact on our upcoming eldest. But now at very nearly 2 he's only slightly delayed in speech and it's coming on every day. His comprehension is outstanding and he's super clever particularly with problem solving. Our eldest who met and is meeting all his milestones, also has quite a "spiky profile" and can be challenging at times, but he is also super clever, immensely empathetic and just so so funny! They are very different in lots of ways, and presented very differently at birth and in their early months. But they are both amazing and I wouldn't change either of them!

You obviously need to do what's right for you, but just thought I'd share my story.

It’s so hard when the info you were given doesn’t match what you actually see. Honestly, I think it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and unsure here - you’re trying to do right by both kids. Maybe it’s worth asking for a detailed report or even a fresh assessment from a specialist who can clearly explain what support the little one might need long term. Also, talking openly with your social worker about your concerns could help, so you’re not making this decision in the dark.

I absolutely agree - adopting effectively means adopting a disabled child, in one way or another. My son came to us at 2 years 9 months, ahead of all his milestones - as soon as he started mainstream it all fell apart as his differences and "damage" suddenly became overwhelmingly apparent. I had to take 5 years more off work until I had got him an echp and funding for a lovely therapeutic special school. I wouldn't change him but I am so glad he never had a sibling, he's all I can cope with and he had had to be the main focus of my life in ways I did not expect.

All adopted children I know struggle massively in some way.

Sorry for bland last post,
I’m not used to baring my soul!
When I said we should have known - I meant about gross motor delays recognised 5 weeks ago and raised by the foster mum (absolute brilliant and has done this for 20 years) to the paed at LO’s 8 month check, paed agreed some delay but wait and see. The SW must have had access to that information and should have told us this 5 weeks ago as verbatim what we had prior to last week was ‘thriving and meeting all milestones’- turns out that was in the medical bit of the CPR but by the HV. It shouldn’t have been obvious to us when meeting LO for the first time. Such a shock. We have all the dates in for intros and coming to live with us.
Had med advisor meeting Monday morning - much of it no major news, didn’t expect them to be able to predict the future. But she didn’t know first hair strand done after birth (at 3 months old, November) indicates significant alcohol in third trimester (no results prior to this as late booker). Neither did we. CPR says no significant alcohol history. Were read out readings by SW in medical advisor meeting which show significantly high weekly alcohol. We just shouldn’t have got this far down the line to get either of these key bits of information. First and foremost is totally unfair on child to have caused them unnecessary delay in permanent placement. Less importantly we specifically said in our matching criteria consider drugs if meeting all milestones and no to alcohol history. I realise some may be offended by this or deem it selfish but that’s not what we set out with because we were being brutally honest about ourselves. I was clutching at straws asking for positive outcomes in same scenario. If any problems occurred with any child that was ours, biological or adopted, we would throw everything at helping them in any way we could but inviting that when we might not be fit in 20 years (we are older parents) is absolutely not fair on either child.
We’ve had to pull out and are devastated.
The LO deserves so much better than this and so does the foster carer.
Anyway we got some really useful insight from some of your messages above so I am genuinely grateful for your time responding x

I'm sorry you have been put through the ringer with the process.

But at least you hadn't started intros, and the delay for the DC may rove to be a blessing in disguise for them as more info gets known and the 'right' parents will come along, hopefully sooner rather than later.

Take time to regroup, and then look forward again.

I'm sorry to hear that.

Tbf alcohol consumption is incredibly difficult to document. It is legal for starters - people often buy it and drink it at home, and can seem fine in public whereas with drugs they are illegal and attract attention from services as heavy users may be on the streets, using a needle service etc.

Alcohol/fasd is a huge risk factor in adoption. It is so prevalent - I'm not sure how easy it will be for you to avoid it, sorry.

Yes I'm sorry that's really really tough.i would also say going forward that it's really hard to avoid the alcohol as anyone taking all those drugs is most likely going to be drinking as well as a norm.
I would also agree with PP in that any adoption is going to take away all the time from first child and may well be that they can't play together.our youngest (adopted)needs all the attention all of the time,if she's not getting it she will draw it back to her by hurting someone else or herself.shes not doing it on purpose she's just desperate to maintain that safety of an adult.she can't play with the older two as it's just a chaos of hurting them.shes fine with all her milestones but it's the attachment/trauma that has caused the issues rather than anything else.

I’m sorry OP, that’s so hard. I really feel for you. Ultimately, you have to do what you feel is best for you and your birth child. I wish you all the best.

I am so sorry, that's an incredibly tough situation to be in. This has been handled badly by sw. It is in the best interest of everyone if you are realistic about what you are able (or unable) to handle, and there is a difference between accepting a general risk of FASD and adopting a child that has a particularly high likelihood of having it. Wishing you all the best.