Comments from friends

[Thedandyanddude]

So I was speaking to a friend about s little ones profile I've been shown and this is the conversation that followed

Them- can you change your mind?
Me- on what?
Them- on the adoption
Me- looking at their profile or when they're adopted and living with me?
Them- when they're adopted and living with you
Me- no
Them-that sucks
Them- can you give them up for adoption again?
Me- only in the same way you could give up a birth child for adoption

Is it just me or is this a completely insensitive line of questioning? Like its ok to send them back after my free trial

Not so much insensitive but poor awareness.
You need to develop stock answers to these questions.

Why do they need to be adopted?
Because birth family couldn't keep them safe
But what happened?
That's private information we don't share.
Can you give them back?
No more easily than you could give your birth children up.
What's wrong with them?
Nothing. They were unlucky to be born into a family that couldn't keep them safe.
Where is their real family?
Right here.

Etc etc etc.

I would recommend you dont share any details as it's personal info and it can go down the wrong way, as you are discovering.

In my experience other people either think you arexan angel or are wary. Two of my best friends broke off all contact as they didn't want my children mixing with theirs.

@Thedandyanddude

I'm in agreement with both @Arran2024 and @UnderTheNameOfSanders

Most people are really not aware of what adoption means, rather than being deliberately insensitive.
However you really should be careful about how much you share. I'm very open about our adoption, lots of people think they know a lot about him, but they really don't. I tend to speak about adoption in general terms, to hopefully educate and enlighten people.
It's not really clear whether you were talking generally about the CPR, or being specific. Adopters often say adoption isn't a secret but it is private. Whilst you don't want your child to be ashamed of being adopted, their personal details and story is theirs to decide what and when to share. I have spoken a lot at adopters training and I used to write a blog at work. I always had my son's permission about what to share and I never spoke about his birth parents except in the most broad terms.
You don't want friends or family to have preconceptions about your future child so it's better to be vague around their story.
Some friends will never understand. I lost my oldest friend. I probably knew we were doomed when she was telling me about the 9 year old adopted child of another friend who she thought should be 'over it' now because he was adopted as as a baby. I hadn't even told her what I was planning. Let's say she wasn't impressed when I did and she tended to treat him like a well trained dog and was patronising as hell to me.
Like Arran says, people tend to fall into 2 main camps - those who think you are Mother Theresa or those who think you are mad. Then there are a few who are gems who get it.
So develop those stock answers and buckle up for the ride.

omg

A lot of people don’t have any known connection to adoption, so it’s treated as a bit of a curiosity when someone close adopts. Cue lots of insensitive comments and questions.

I agree with having a script along the lines of @UnderTheNameOfSanders so if you’re caught off guard you have a stock response. My circle of friends definitely changed post adoption, as I quietly let relationships drop with people who really just didn’t get it.

Oh no no id never share the info in their cpr. I just said id received it and broadly why they needed adopting and a few details about their current placement.

I lost my friend of 20 years as she didn't want her 4 kids mixing with my 2, like they were contagious or something. My sister also doesn't speak to me after I called her out on something she said/did not long after the children were placed with us. To be fair my mum has dealt with us not talking better than I have!
However I have made some amazing friends on our adoption journey.
Our pen picture (I think that's what it's called) from our prep course where you had to put all your friends family etc, looks very different now 20 years in.

Coming at this from the other side I met someone at a toddler group who I chatted to quite a bit - she had one adopted son and later adopted his brother.

My rules were to only ask general questions you'd ask any new parent "how is he sleeping" etc and only talk about the adoption if she raised the subject. I then kept any questions to follow ups.

Despite this I definitely can remember a couple of slightly cringey things I said. Better informed now.

Yes I definitely wouldn't share anything with people especially at this profile reading stage,I would completely avoid sharing anything,it's so private.we didn't tell even our closest family anything,still haven't needed to 3 years in as we wanted them to be given the best chance.let them meet the child first rather than their biological parents history .its hard because you want to talk things over I know,but over sharing such private details may be too much as you go on so really think about it,I definitely wouldnt be discussing with friends anything about cpr/situation etc,such early days,wait till after matching and then share minimum details like name and why you think they are perfect,the positive bits,then have the stock answers ready for crazy questions from people who tbf haven't had the training and just want the best for you.be ready for crazy questions but push the best for your child by not focusing on their past at this stage with people who don't know them yet.

Thedandyanddude

Good luck on the process. You said "I just said id received it and broadly why they needed adopting and a few details about their current placement."

That is quite a bit on a child who you may not proceed with, it's anonymous but you just never know who can piece info together.

Please don't share anything before matching as at this stage you don't know where anything will go. It's as much for you as for the child.

And be very careful after matching. We gave very stock answers after adoption because people sometimes thought the worst.

And I agree with others, a lot people think adopters are very kind or very stupid or whatever!

"That is quite a bit on a child who you may not proceed with, it's anonymous but you just never know who can piece info together"

It really wasn't. You couldn't piece anything together from - hes a toddler, his mum and dad have substance issues and he's got a nice foster family.

I'm aware of how to handle confidential information. Thank you.

Thedandyanddude I wasn't meaning to be nasty. I am sorry if it came off that way. I just think until it is certain it is best not to tell people about possible children.... But that is just my opinion.

I wouldn't mention substance abuse or any other reason for removal. People can be really horrible about stuff like that. I had friends distance themselves after we adopted, presumably because they didn't want their children mixing with mine. It was a real eye opener.

Likewise, I wouldn't share that information about my children. People will piece things together in their own way, make assumptions and start to fill in gaps round what you've said. You also don't know how your (prospective) child will feel about that information being known by family friends as they get older.

Your friend's response is already a good indicator of why you may not want to share information any further. And I think it's easier to avoid the more intrusive questions later on if you've set out from the start by making it clear you won't be sharing details

It’s so hard when people speak about adoption like it’s some kind of temporary arrangement or “trial run,” as if the commitment is anything less than what you’d give a birth child. A lot of people are misinformed, curious or just unaware. I agree totally having a set of answers ready to go so you don’t freeze, fumble or overshare. You learn as you go how to respond to people. I’ve always found playgroups tough for this reason. You will probably lose some friends along the way. I think you have to pick your battles the comments and questions happen a lot, most people mean well but it doesn’t excuse insensitivity.

When you eventually get asked (and it will happen) where are his/her real mum/dad dramatically pat your face etc and ask if they can still see you. Yes its a bit cringe, but trust me they will be mortified and feel like an absolute prick.

When you feel more confident make stuff up when you’re annoyed at being asked the same stupid question again “oh her birth mum was a high class drug dealer who lived on a super yacht with a several sex slaves”

I've had 1 birth child and honestly, this is so much harder. The hoops you have to jump through! Two things that annoy me most are ; "just adopt" when talking about infertility, like its so easy. And any comment that sounds like you've adopted a hamster from pets at home and if it doesn't work out its no real loss.

That friend would no longer be my friend

I only shared information about our adopted child with close family.
I got loads of questions from work colleagues etc. i said the same thing each time, it’s not my information to share. It’s the child’s story not mine. Later when he went to school I told the teacher but no one else. He chose to tell people when he was in year 5, the ta and teacher were very supportive. We talked about it at home regularly but I was always clear with them that they could tell who they wanted when they were ready.
Someone who adopted at the same time as me told everyone when there kids started school and shared a lot of information and really regretted it.

We shared that ours were adopted, but not the reasons.

I felt it necessary to share. I turned up at school with a y3 child but no idea how schools really operated, and to toddler group with no backstory.
For me it helped me make friends and feel relaxed without having to keep the adoption itself secret.

Maybe speaking out of order here our 5th adopted LO was left deafblind and cerebral palsy after his BM took bucket loads of crack cocaine and was unaware this precious little boy had meningococcal meningitis! Once the adoption was legal I did tell people, if it makes one person to stop taking drugs it is worth it. Sorry if this is inappropriate.

@mumof2many1943

You really are of my heroes. I think each family makes it own decisions based on many factors.
I was fairly open, in part based on the face that I had an 8 year old who was more than happy to spill the beans so there was no point in being coy about it.

Thankyou Ted27 for your kind comment I can assure you it is reciprocated I love reading your stories (and other oldies) with interest you are all inspiring people.

I too was open about my 7 year old son for the most part but inappropriate questioning from people regarding giving them back, changing names. Etc is not on x