Comments from friends

[Thedandyanddude]

So I was speaking to a friend about s little ones profile I've been shown and this is the conversation that followed

Them- can you change your mind?
Me- on what?
Them- on the adoption
Me- looking at their profile or when they're adopted and living with me?
Them- when they're adopted and living with you
Me- no
Them-that sucks
Them- can you give them up for adoption again?
Me- only in the same way you could give up a birth child for adoption

Is it just me or is this a completely insensitive line of questioning? Like its ok to send them back after my free trial

That's very interesting. There are a few details about this little one that would be pretty obvious about their background as soon as anyone I know meets them.

I still wouldn't tell. The child will grow up and somevpeople will judge having a drug addicted parent. I remember Peggy Mitchell in Eastenders having a furious outburst when one of her boys wanted to marry Sharon (who is adopted) because of her background. The storyline caused quite an upset in the adoption world, but sadly some people do judge.

@Arran2024

This is where the individual situation matters.
Sadly @mumof2many1943 child is so severely impacted any judgement won't register with them.
There are also ways of telling and not telling.
I've said before that many people think they know a lot about us, but they really don't. And despite any personal feelings I have I always season anything I say about birth parents with a hefty pinch of empathy and understanding

Once again Ted27 thankyou! Sadly my beautiful boy died, he was 19 and I hope we gave him a good life many holidays abroad. His death has made me even more angry about drugs. Sorry not really what the OP really wanted.

@mumof2many1943

I was wondering if he had passed away. I'm sure he had the best life he could with you. He was loved and cared for and had dignity to the end.
If his story can prevent another child's suffering and death then something positive can come of it

So sorry to hear that. Rip to your son.

Exactly my feelings HPFA. I myself have a disability. Not one that stopped me giving birth however peoples first reaction to learning I was adopting or adopted was “so can you not have children then?” It makes me so angry, I’m a grown woman, perfectly capable of that but I decided along with my husband I wanted to look after a child who needed a family. Why oh why would any woman ask another woman those kind of personal questions? Not just he happy for your Decision in life?

We are early in the process and I'm expecting odd questions as people may not understand why we want to do it but it hadn't occurred to me that people wouldn't want their kids mixing with ours if we adopted a child. That blows my mind!

Two of my best friends stopped speaking to me the moment they met the children. This has always been the biggest single trauma in my life. When I had some therapy, this was what we kept coming back to.

I wouldn't say it was just adoption per se though. Both girls had a lot of additional needs which weren't so obvious in foster care but very obvious when I tried to take them to a children's party, to lunch etc.

My ex friends were horrified.

@Arran2024that’s really tough. I’m sorry your friends weren’t more supportive.

@mumof2many1943I'm so sorry your son died, glad he had the best life with you before.

@UnderTheNameOfSanders I think the best advice I can give. Is to say to yourself will it benefit my adopted child to tell this person? Eg. Class teacher at primary school I always told at the beginning of the year. I would just say, just to let you know my child is adopted and thought you should know in case it comes up or they ask any questions. Some random mum at the school/playgroup. Keep it light they don’t need to know your child’s life story or even know they are adopted. Their child could end up at secondary school with your child, and I think as much possible it should be their story to tell who they want to. Not to suddenly find out the whole school knows.

I would be very blunt with people who say things like your friend, and would put them straight very quickly. If they continue to ask questions like that, I wouldn’t see them especially with your child present.
We have always talked about it very openly at home though and brought it up regularly. We always told him everything, obviously in an age appropriate way. I found the later life letter the social worker wrote very useful from around 11.

When I told my ex work colleagues I was leaving because I’d been matched with a child (they all know I was planning to adopt) one of them (middle aged woman with teenage children) told me a charming story of people she knew had adopted and turned out to be a pedophile. Imagine telling a pregnant woman that story on the news of her pregnancy? Dumb as a box of rocks.
Many friends have asked stupid questions too, (not as insane as the above) but I take it with Grace because they are good people and have shown no prejudice towards myself and my AC, I just gently educate them

I'm so sad hearing some of the comments.

My work were overwhelmingly supportive. My (all male) wider team were a bit 'oh that's nice' when I first told them, until I pointed out I had 3.5 working days until I went on leave which surprised them a bit.

My team leader and immediate colleague had been aware this was coming and we had worked over the previous 3 months to make sure 'succession planning' was all sorted.

My DH worked for the same company and so we knew a lot of people (total of nearly 50 years service between us). They gave us a lovely card and some great presents for the DC.

whenever there is a high profile case, Mumsnet is full of threads with people falling all over themselves to declare they would have looked after those children ‘in a heart beat’ . then you get the posters guilt tripping other families trying to balance requests for kinship care with the needs of their own children because over their dead body would they allow a relative of theirs to go into the care system.
But it seems when faced with real children so many people just don’t want to know.
I have been exceptionally lucky. My work treated me the same as any woman going off on on maternity leave, the whole bit - on my last day, decorated my desk and gave me a mum to be badge.
My family and most of my friends have been exceptional, welcoming my son and more recently my two foster children into their lives without question.
I have lost one friend, but it was more of a slow fade, small slights, and a realisation that she just wasn’t interested in my son when she suggested stopping buying birthday presents because she didnt know what to get him. Thats because she never really made an effort to get to know him and picking up the phone to ask was clearly too much trouble.
So I let it go, we were in primary school together, a friendship of 50 years.

I think as adopters we get to know who are real friends are - all my newer friendships are adopters and mothers of children with ASD/ADHD.
And of course the many, many on line people who share their stories, bolster us up, who we will never meet but feel so much part of life.