Trans woman and husband looking into adoption. What to expect?

[ProspectiveAdopter1992]

Hi everybody:)

My husband and I have been married for a few years now and something that we've always both been very clear on with each other since our relationship began is that we both hope to someday have a child and now that we're both in a stable place in our careers, we feel that we're ready to begin making preparations to make our dream a reality.

As you can obviously tell from the title, I'm a trans woman, so having a child biologically isn't an option for us. We briefly considered surrogacy, but I vetoed it as I disagree with the ethics of surrogacy and would also prefer to adopt so that we can provide a home for a child who needs it.

We've looked into the adoption process, and we feel that it's something that we can and want to do in the near future; however, I'm concerned about the potential discrimination that we could face due to my being trans.

I generally don't have too many problems in public as I look and sound like any other woman, and I rarely need to come out, but I imagine that it's something that will need to be addressed at some point during the process. I’ve tried to look online for accounts of trans people who have gone through the adoption process in both the UK and other countries but I haven’t been able to find anything other than people who are at the same stage as my husband and I so I’m just wondering if there’s any trans adopters or LGBT adopters in general on here who could help give me a better picture of what my husband and I should expect as we go on this journey.

Hi! :)
I’m a single cis woman so not quite the demographic you are looking for, but I did complete the adoption process in the last year so I can offer a bit of insight into that.

If the agency you use is worth their salt then they will welcome you and your husband, as most agencies emphasise how a great diversity of people can become adopters.

Something that will really help your application is for each of you to be doing some voluntary work with children. They will want you to (IME) be interacting with children in general, in addition to those you know through family or friends (although these experiences are helpful too). One example is listening to primary school children read, such as through a charity like Schoolreaders. Do not be put off by applying now if you don’t yet have this in place, as there will be time to get going with this over the course of the process.

A major element of the process is the Prospective Adopters Report, which is where your social worker writes up what they learn about you, your background, your attitudes, your network and your finances etc etc. The meetings with your social worker in which they gather this information can feel intense, but hopefully you will have a good rapport with your social worker (and would have grounds to ask to switch if not). Some people describe this as ‘therapy without the therapist’, and it might be worth having an actual therapist if this process feels difficult.

Anyway that’s just a few things that came to mind. I’m I sorry I can’t offer a more relevant perspective, but as I said this shouldn’t be a barrier to you, and if it is then you would have grounds to complain and would be highly likely to find another agency that is welcoming.

Good luck with it all! 😊

Thank you so much for providing your experience!

We regularly interact with our niece and sometimes have her on weekends if her parents need a weekend to themselves and my husband’s work involves interacting with older children so we both have practical experience with being around children but I’ll definitely look into doing voluntary work.

Thank you so much for providing your experience!

We regularly interact with our niece and sometimes have her on weekends if her parents need a weekend to themselves and my husband’s work involves interacting with older children so we both have practical experience with being around children but I’ll definitely look into doing voluntary work.

The social worker will be interested in how prospective parents can safely care for any children, how they understand the complexities of adoption and any features in an adopters life that might impact children they adopt.

I would expect to fully explore your trans journey, and for you to show insight into what that might mean for any children placed with you. So being aware of differences in your family set up, how you’ll explain that, when appropriate, to your children, how you’ll cope with possible discrimination and/or bullying.

In the same way as people with strong religious faith would need to consider their child might not share that faith, or someone who has a disability would need to consider their child might impact on their parenting capacity, you need to consider the potential impact on any children placed you parent. In an ideal world your gender identity wouldn’t be an issue for others but we know that’s not the case particularly given the current social climate around all things trans.

Theres no reason why a trans person can’t adopt, and I’d expect the assessment process to be fair and transparent - the more open, honest and reflective you are in that process the better. I’d say the same to any potential adopter.

All prospective adopters run up against social workers' private concerns - they do work to guidelines but you will always find one that is worried about your hobby, your pet, your career.....often it is more about how you handle their persistent probing than anything else. Be prepared to be challenged about absolutely anything and have your answers ready.

They cannot discriminate against you and if you feel like you have a sw with an agenda, you can complain and ask for a new sw.

But there are two parts to adoption approval. One is being approved to adopt and the other is finding a child. You may find that you get approved relatively easily but struggle to find a sw willing to place a child with you.

Equally you may find it's not a problem at all.

But I would suggest that you first look at local authority agencies in your situation. Local authorities hold all the children and you might find it easier to be matched with a child if local sws know you. Independent agencies "sell" approved adopters to local authorities, but this is more a paper based exercise and you will be in more competition for children this way. LAs know which children are coming through for adoption and can kind of link you up if you see what I mean

I would also suggest you join Adoption UK or one of the LGBT+ adoption networks and find out more about adoption in general.

Good luck.

I would expect them to explore with you your understanding of the Cass Report and how vulnerable children are currently more likely to think they might be trans, and that you would approach any such thoughts from your children within that context.

If my hypothetical child came out as trans and was persistent and insistent, I’d let them lead the process and decide what they want to do (within reason).

I experienced conversion therapy as a teenager and abuse from my parents for being trans until I left home so that would greatly influence how I’d respond to any kind of coming out.

As a social worker I don’t think I would expect any prospective adopter to have read much less understood the Cass report - many won’t have read it themselves. I’d only explore potential trans identity of a child in the way I would sexuality or other protected characteristics and it would come down to whether the parent can balance being child led while setting appropriate boundaries for the child’s safety and well being.

There’s a real skill in exploring potential risks, vulnerabilities and safeguards while setting aside inherent bias and avoiding prejudice and this is one of those situations where it’s important to do so.

I wouldn't ask for advice on here as mums net can be very toxic towards trans people. For support I would suggest you contact new family social who are an LGBT charity supports people in adoption who are from the LGBT community.

newfamilysocial.org.uk/

I doubt they will quiz you about the Cass report. I think they may however want you to have experience of disadvantaged children, not just well behaved relatives' children - I hope you have done some research into the reality of adoption today and the challenges of parenting children who have probably been neglected or even abused. Many will have foetal alcohol syndrome, special educational needs.

They will want to see if you are robust enough to deal with these challenges. They will wonder what your childcare plans are and what you will do if a child needs more support than expected.

Another cis woman here so not ideal feedback, however we had a trans gay couple on our training course (1 lady was trans, not sure if the other was cis or trans) and they were treated the same as everyone else, and were the first to be matched with a child. Our LA seems pretty inclusive and open to people from all walks of life. Good luck to you

@ProspectiveAdopter1992
I'd definitely agree with what others say about looking at new family social. What Arran says about getting a broader range of childcare experience is also (in my opinion) so important, some agencies/SWs won't ask for it but caring fir children with trauma is a whole different ballgame and I'm so thankful I had alot of experience caring for previously looked after children.

I would say (in my experience as a cis gay woman) that agencies are very quick to talk about being open and welcoming to LGBT people what they often mean is LGB couples, I'm not at all saying they're hostile to trans people but just that the focus tends to be on gay couples, and trans people and to an extent gay single people aren't as considered, and in your case SWs may be less informed. It's important you get a feel for the agency you go with, chat to a few and go to open events. I went with a VAA who were hugely inclusive and would recommend them to anyone who asks. But I don't know how that compares to others.

Look into New Family Social, an LGBT group for adopters and people thinking of adoption. They have meet ups in London and Manchester, perhaps other areas too. They were fantastic in my early adoption years. There was at least one trans adopter there I recall.

Echo the suggestions about New Family Social.

There's a few things that might be helpful for you. First, they have a podcast called 'Adoption, Fostering and Tea' with lots of stories from different folk. I couldn't immediately spot an episode about trans adopters, but there's definitely one about a non-binary adopter.

Second, if you get in touch with them, they may be able to put you in touch with other trans adopters who might be up for talking through their experiences.

And lastly, if you're looking for a volunteering experience, NFS run a summer camp each year for LGBT+ adoption and fostering families. It is a brilliant, inclusive and welcoming event, and most of the volunteers (who are the absolute heroes of the whole thing) are people in similar situations - prospective adopters looking to build their experience with kids. It will be great for your application, but you'll also be able to have so many conversations with different people about their experiences.

Why should a social worker be against you adopting if you are capable of being good parents. Good luck but it is a hard road for everyone.

I would like to wish you all the best.

You mentioned about your own relationship with your parents and that is something they will want to explore. Your own experience of problems at home and how you handled things will be useful for you in parenting.

We adopted our younger son just over 10 years ago and our older birth child is a trans man.

This will probably be an unpopular opinion. First things first, I am an adopter.

I would have some therapy and really explore how you will explain your trans identity to a child, and how you will deal with their understanding and questions. It's one thing to 'pass' in public, but you will not be able to hide your sex from your child, and how will you help them to make sense of that in a way that they can understand? You would need a very secure identity yourself as a male who presents as female to do that. I imagine it's a sensitive thing for you, and children, maybe especially adopted children, can really push buttons.

Children in need of adoption have had their whole reality damaged, and their sense of themselves and of others can be more complex than most. IMHO it is not fair to teach a child that people can be born in the wrong body or similar ideas, when the child has struggles in understanding themselves and others already. Care-experienced children were hugely overrepresented amongst the children seen at GIDS for a reason.

I'm not trying to be hurtful to you, I'm trying to say that adopted children have extra vulnerabilities around understanding who they are and who others are and humans interaction in general. And that can be challenging for us as adults with our own vulnerabilities. So for the benefit of everyone involved it'd be good to really think about the possible difficulties.

Having said that, social work as a profession absolutely falls over itself to look progressive and accepting so you may not get asked any hard questions at all and have everyone at pains to show how inclusive and accepting they are; which might be great but might also lead to difficult things being avoided.

Ultimately adoption is about finding the best family for a child, not about providing a child for adults who want one, and so the needs and struggles and vulnerabilities of the child should always be the priority over our stuff as adopters. And we all have stuff, it's just being honest with ourselves about what that is and how we will manage it.

Having said that, social work as a profession absolutely falls over itself to look progressive and accepting so you may not get asked any hard questions at all and have everyone at pains to show how inclusive and accepting they are; which might be great but might also lead to difficult things being avoided.

Social work as a profession have a duty to promote and protect human rights, including the rights of trans people who want to become parents, and any future children.

I don’t know anyone who gets through the adoption process without hard questions - what those questions are will differ depending on the prospective adopters. It’s possible to both be inclusive and to explore potential challenges in parenting.

I'll be honest - it's great that you don't know anyone who got through adoption without hard questions, but I definitely do.

I'll include myself in that, there are things I should have been pushed on, and wasn't. And I think that's because social workers were keen to demonstrate their inclusiveness with a single, not straight, not white, working class, health issues experiencing adopter. And I'm not the only adopter I know who 'got away with stuff', for want of a better phrase, compared to the straight white couples I was assessed with. It's not something that's really talked about but I do think it's a thing. And it didn't necessarily do me or my DC a favour on the long term.

I think this is quite a patronising post to be honest.

There are things here that are, of course, correct. The OP absolutely does need to be prepared to support her child through the explanation of her being trans, particularly in an increasingly hostile environment for trans people.

But you also rightly acknowledge that almost all applicants have their own 'stuff' which could affect how they parent and which they need to cope with. Suggesting that the OP needs therapy is patronising. Maybe she does. Maybe she doesn't. Maybe she had had extensive therapy. Maybe she hasn't. I think we can rely on her to know herself well enough to know whether or not she would benefit from additional therapy before adopting.

It is also pretty judgmental to essentially say that it is wrong to raise a child to believe in and support trans identities. I've no idea if the OP would ever describe being trans as 'being born in the wrong body' (lots of trans people reject that idea). But I think what you're getting at is is broader - that it is wrong to raise a child to believe that some people have a gender dysphoria for which the most appropriate response might be physical or medical changes to their body.

There are many people - myself included - who are not trans but would approach a child who thinks they might be trans in the same way that the OP outlined. I.e. where that feeling is persistent and insistent, she would let the child lead the process. That is, in my view, absolutely right. You can disagree but frankly that's not relevant to this thread. The OP was asking about experiences of people going through the process, not an invitation for discussion of the rights and wrongs of an affirmative approach to trans kids.

It is also pretty judgmental to essentially say that it is wrong to raise a child to believe in and support trans identities.

I didn't say that supporting trans identity is wrong. But just like a devout Catholic or a strict vegan needs to think about how they'll deal with explaining their beliefs and how they'll manage it if their child rejects their beliefs. I'm probably not expressing it 'correctly' but a trans identity does involve a level of needing other people to believe what you believe. And that might be hard with and for a care-experienced child. Its not about being hostile to transpeople but about centering the child.

The OP was asking about experiences of people going through the process, not an invitation for discussion of the rights and wrongs of an affirmative approach to trans kids. A transparent is a different thing to a child who struggles with their gender though. I wasn't trying to discuss the rights and wrongs of trans kids.

As I said, I think social workers will be very keen to show how accepting and non judgemental they are of OP, that happened to me to an extent and I don't necessarily think it benefited me or my DC in the end. The assessment could have done with pressing on my weak points a bit, rather than hurrying to assure me that I was just as good as everyone else. I'm as good as everyone else in some ways, better in others, and worse in others. Social workers shouldn't be scared to say that but I think they were a bit.

Your experience isn't reflective of my experience, or most people I know who went through the process. I was certainly pushed hard on how I would react if my child expressed homophobia, for example. I was pushed on how aspects of my childhood could prove triggering. My partner was pushed on aspects of grief and needed to undertake some counselling before the process could continue.

So I definitely don't think OP should think they'll be in for an easy ride.

She almost certainly will be pushed to think about how stable any dysphoria is, how she will react if he child rejects her identity as a woman (either because they take a transphobic position generally, or more likely because kids will often say anything to push us away and test how much they can rely on us to still be there).

I'm glad to hear that you feel your assessment was thorough. It's been a long time for me and I hope things have improved and maybe non traditional adopters are more common now.

I’ll include myself in that, there are things I should have been pushed on, and wasn't. And I think that's because social workers were keen to demonstrate their inclusiveness with a single, not straight, not white, working class, health issues experiencing adopter.

Theres a balance to be struck though, if these are things you were aware of at the time there’s a responsibility towards openness on the part of the adopter. Ultimately social workers can only respond to areas that are either very likely to cause difficulties down the line, or issues the adopter queries. There’s a huge gap in the middle that may or may not be an issue but if I have someone saying to me “I’ve really thought about X, I have strategies to deal with it/feel like it’s resolved” there’s only so far I would continue to push unless I had reason to think they were lying.

It can also be the case that something in assessment genuinely feels ok but the particular circumstances of the child means it takes on a significance that only becomes apparent to the parent or the worker post placement. That’s the challenge with matching, you just don’t know how this child’s particular needs will interact with this parents particular vulnerabilities.

There have certainly been things that have cropped up in my own family that couldn’t have been predicted but are the result of my child’s history and characteristics combined with my own. A different parent or a different child combination wouldn’t have had the same issues. It couldn’t have been predicted at assessment or matching.

Oh definitely some things pan out in unpredictable ways, no crystal balls available to anyone involved. It's in hindsight that I'm thinking this now, when I was in the process I just wanted to be approved.