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Adoption

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Original poster

I'm only bl***y human

48 replies

Flower3554 · 09/05/2008 12:39

Our foster placement, who has been with us since he was 2 days old and is now 16 months will be moving on to his adoptive family within a few weeks.

Cue the adoption worker discussing how best to plan introductions as new mum lives at the other end of the country to us.

"New family can travel to you have a week or so of intro's while staying in a hotel. Then they travel home and the following day you take lo down to them, leave him there after saying your good byes and you come home by train.

3-4 hours alone on a train. Not gonna happen

OP posts:
Tommy · 09/05/2008 12:42

poor you

duchesse · 09/05/2008 12:52

It sounds rather cruel. Will you be able to visit the little mite?

And forgive my ignorance, but why can the adopting parents not the little one with them when they go? Or could a hire car or taxi be arranged for you?

Original poster
Flower3554 · 09/05/2008 13:00

ss do say they will "allow" one vist to lo after 2 months or so.

As a rule adopting parents do take lo's with them on the final day, on this occasion, with the distance involved I think ss feel it would be a difficult journey for them with a baby they don't know that well.

Well I'm sorry but the return journey back to an empty house would be sheer torture for me.

I'm too soft for this bl*y job, I know I am!!

OP posts:
SpookyMadMummy · 09/05/2008 13:13

can't find any words for you, flower....

beaniesteve · 09/05/2008 13:15

Could SS take the LO up there for you?

Original poster
Flower3554 · 09/05/2008 13:46

I doubt they would, if they can talk me into doing it they will

OP posts:
duchesse · 09/05/2008 13:56

Can they pay for someone (a friend) to go with you?

Original poster
Flower3554 · 09/05/2008 14:21

any volunteers??

OP posts:
Flame · 09/05/2008 14:23

His social worker should be doing it, not you.

Is he really 16 months now???

I think I am of the opinion of you just say no. No discussion - it is down to them to take him, not you.

Original poster
Flower3554 · 09/05/2008 14:33

He really is Flame, the time has flown by

The trouble with ss is that "no" is not in their vocabulary. They suggest alternatives, ie could your daughter, husband, mother whatever go with you.

It is the act of actually walking away from him thats the problem, the long train journey home, a total of about 5 hours door to door is secondary but still unbearable to think about

OP posts:
Flame · 09/05/2008 14:45

That is why it needs to keep being no for all of their suggestions. I've watched them try to bully my mum into things soooooooo many times even now that she came close to losing her home and job through fostering, they still call her and hassle her to start again

It is wrong. You have done enough for them, without having your already breaking heart ripped out

maryz · 09/05/2008 23:33

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

milliec · 10/05/2008 09:18

Message withdrawn

edam · 10/05/2008 09:20

bloody SS. I do sympathise.

wannaBe · 10/05/2008 09:27

"ss feel it would be a difficult
journey for them with a baby they don't know that well.". well they have to start to get to know him some time, so a couple of hours in a car seems like a good start.

I would be firm on this one. Presumably as part of the introductions they will be taking LO out on their own? in their car? so by the end of the week this will be an environment not unfamilliar to him. So for them to take him home shouldn't be that big a deal?

Do you think you will foster again after this? It must be so hard to let go especially after such a long time.

Flame · 10/05/2008 09:40

I have been speaking to my mum - she says round here there is a sort of buddy system for this kind of thing, so you aren't alone, you have another carer who has been through similar who goes and does it with you.

She is even offering to go with you herself if you were anywhere near us, but reading your profile you are about as far from us as you can get!

She says if you want to talk she is happy to be on the end of a phone

Original poster
Flower3554 · 10/05/2008 10:12

Thanks everyone, I've been so cheered by your replies, its good to know I'm not being totally selfish.

I had a phone call last night from lo's sw who is flabbergasted that I don't want a "nice train journey to London" She also said and I quote "Its not all about you you know, there's the baby to consider, what about him"

Came off the phone in tears but still resolute.

OP posts:
Saturn74 · 10/05/2008 10:17

Oh Flower.
I am stunned that the SW spoke to you like that - and I note that she didn't offer to step in and help.

I am glad you are still resolute.
What they are asking you to do is cruel.

And they should be cherishing people like you, not trying to make you feel bad.

Mhamai · 10/05/2008 10:23

Flower, you are an amazing woman. You have cared and loved this lo and although your heart is breaking, take comfort however small that you have given this child a precious good start to life that will remain with him for the rest of his life.

(((((((((Flower))))))))))

Flame · 10/05/2008 10:30

Where is YOUR link worker in all of this?

Original poster
Flower3554 · 10/05/2008 10:42

She's been on sick leave the last couple of weeks, back on Monday. By the time she reads all the messages I've left for her she'll wonder why she came back to work at all!!!

OP posts:
Flame · 10/05/2008 10:43

lol! She'll have oodles of messages from others too

milliec · 10/05/2008 10:49

Message withdrawn

Original poster
Flower3554 · 10/05/2008 10:51

Lo has to have a blood test on Tuesday because they think he has a chromasome(sp) abnormality. I'm worried sick about taking him for this as well as the 3 week wait for the results and I can do without ss on my back at the same time.

Dh starts a new job hundreds of miles away on Monday and I'm trying to focus on him for a change without success.

Sometimes I hate this job

OP posts:
KristinaM · 11/05/2008 20:18

this is nonsense

child should be going in the car with his parents. if they cant handle a 4 hour car journey with him, how are they going to handle the next 21 years???????

if he is not settled with them enough to do a car jouney, they shoudl stay for 2 weeks in hotel and have him for longer days and overnights with them at hotel. its not ideal as they are so far from home but cant be helped

this is a really stupid plan for the baby as well as for you