I’m not fully attached to my fostered baby

[Fosterpapa]

Hi all. We are in a very difficult situation and we are so scared we don’t know which way to go.
We have been fostering to adopt this little girls since birth. We were so lucky to have a newborn so we could start bonding with her straight away. The problem is we are 9 months in the process now and we still feel like the first day. We obviously care and do anything for her, but we don’t feel like we are parents, we don’t feel the love that we think we are supposed to feel…
We never thought bonding would be an issue as we have always built good bonds with the kids at the nursery we volunteered at, with the kids of friends and family, etc.

The journey has been very difficult in terms of contact visits, threats, delays, social services’ mistakes…etc. On top of that, quite early on (first few weeks) we realised she was not doing good eye contact when up close and she was not very cuddly. We started thinking there could be some developmental delays or ASD and to be fair this thought has haunted me since. We also put ourselves a shield to protect us from the uncertainty of the adoption in case she ended up not staying with us.
Time passed and we were not bonding with her. We couldn’t get her interested in us or engaged long enough to build a relationship with her. Social services (and us) were justifying the lack of engagement due to the adoption process which was being quite difficult, and we were always assuming after the next “step” she would be more engaged.
We have now finished the fostering period, she is legally placed for adoption and contact has stopped. It’s been 2 months now like this and we still feel the same way.
We are in a position to apply for adoption and we are not sure if that’s the right decision. We think eventually the attachment from our side would come, but what if it doesn’t? I also feel a bit resentful for not having enjoyed all these months due to her lack of engagement and I’m worried this would come out in the future. Also the worry of possible ASD is still there and we are a bit concerned considering all we have been through, we will struggle to accept it and cope with it.
On the other side we obviously care a lot about her and thinking about not having her in our lives breaks our heart. Also the consequences of this decision scare us: Would we ever recover and be able to try adoption again after this traumatic event? Will we always compare the child to her?…

We sometimes think the fact we have the “choice” is what is killing us. If she was ours already we wouldn’t have other alternative but to power through everything that comes in front of us.

Sorry for the long post. Not sure if anyone has been in this situation before as it’s quite specific, I certainly do not want it for anybody else.

I would suggest if you do disrupt the placement as you are concerned about ASD, and do adopt again you go down the route of an older child when their ends are more known. I’m surprised that it wasn’t explained that with F2A that the unknowns and surprises of the child development is one of the biggest risk factors that you take on.

in terms of bonding it’s very common to not fall instantly in love and for it to take a time for this to develop, and could happen again if you adopt again, so please be reassured that this is normal.

We couldn’t get her interested in us or engaged long enough to build a relationship with her. Social services (and us) were justifying the lack of engagement due to the adoption process which was being quite difficult, and we were always assuming after the next “step” she would be more engaged.

Presumably we’re talking about an infant here - around a year old? Who has been removed from her birth mum pretty much immediately?

At that age it’s not for her to “engage” with you, the work has to come from the parents/carers. While the complexities of the adoption process will have impacted you, she isn’t going to be aware of what the next step is and when it passes - she isn’t holding her breath in the way you are because she doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to know the process.

She’s a baby, she doesn’t build a relationship with you, you build a relationship with her and at that age it’s all the drudgery of feeding, cleaning, changing, bathing, consistently responding to her needs that builds relationship (and that fosters attachment). I’m surprised the social worker hasn’t explained this. She is a traumatised infant, it’s going to take a lot of time for her to feel safe and secure.

You’re talking in a way that suggests she’s purposely not engaging - she’s engaging in the way she knows how. Her whole life so far has been with you, and while I know you don’t think she has a bond with you disrupting will have a significant impact on her. That’s not to say don’t do it but really consider your reasoning here.

It’s far too soon to be thinking about ASD, she will have some developmental set backs depending on how birth mum was during pregnancy, just the separation from everything familiar to her while in the womb will have an impact. Also consider that you didn’t have the pre-birth experience of carrying her, feeling her move inside you, adapting your lifestyle to accommodate pregnancy - all of those things start a bond well before she arrives, and pregnancy hormones help that process along and even then it’s not uncommon for birth mums to have to work at loving their baby. You’re coming at it from a standing start without those experiences, your life has been turned on its head and you’ve had the stress of the foster to adopt process which is very tricky at the best of times. Of course you’re going to protect yourself emotionally, which will impact your ability to truly give yourself to loving this baby.

Before you make a decision, have a think about what you thought this time would be like, and how it’s been different for you. Try not to centre that on how your baby has been but everything that’s been going on for you and what you wish had been different. Watch her sleeping, look up theraplay games you can play, do lots of skin to skin contact - swimming is really good for that. Give yourself a chance with her.

I think people often view adopting a new born as an easier option because the baby only knows life with them, and who doesn’t love a squishy baby but actually it’s much, much harder because they are so very dependent, you’re sleep deprived, don’t have bonding hormones and everyone is telling you how lucky you are, when your life feels like a grenade has gone off.

What you’re describing sounds very, very normal. Now the legal process is done you can open your heart more safely, you don’t need to apply for the adoption order any time soon, give yourself time.

I also feel a bit resentful for not having enjoyed all these months due to her lack of engagement and I’m worried this would come out in the future

This stood out for me, within weeks of her life you started thinking about ASD rather than thinking about her placement with you through her eyes and recognising her very early experiences will have an impact on her. I’d be really thinking about what you expect from a new born/infant. They don’t have the psychological capacity to decide not to engage with you, they literally respond to the care they are given - consistently responsive care fosters secure attachment - which is different to what people refer to as bonding. Babies are wired for attachment but that is impacted when they are removed from their birth family regardless of age.

I think if you had a better understanding of child development and attachment (and better informed support from social work) you’d be less worried (and hopefully less resentful) of your baby. If you do decide to continue I’d recommend some counselling to help you unpick those feelings and process the last year or so, with someone who really understands adoption and attachment.

Thank you @Jellycatspyjamas
We obviously are torn by our own feelings and we agree maybe we had high expectations and we thought the bond would come quicker. At the end of the day the social workers were the ones telling us “surely will improve, it’s part of the process”. And maybe it is, we are just too scared to never be able to deeply bond and feel like our child is someone else’s (currently our feeling is we are 24/7 babysitters).
We have always bonded quite quickly with other kids and for some reason with her it feels like we are forcing ourselves to happen instead of it happening naturally. And we are not sure this is a healthy way to attach to her.

It is true that ASD concerns me, and not going to lie, I never even heard of it before, so my knowledge of it is minimal. But with all the time I have spent with other kids I never felt that they could have ASD, and with her I do. Whether I’m being bias because this time this child is my responsibility and my future I don’t know, but the signs are there.
We thought that wouldn’t be a problem because we would have already built a bond with her, so whatever happened after that we would power through it from a side of love. But the problem is that these concerns came before the bond was there, so now we are not sure if that bond will ever come as long as these concerns are there…

Tbh I think you have a fairly romanticised idea about parenting, where you fall in love with the child and it's all an amazing journey and I do think that's just not how it is at all. It can be really hard work. Even birth parents get children who completely bewilder them (ask my mum!).

It is part of life to make the most of what you get and you have this child and somehow you feel you could do better with another one? Tbh I think you would struggle to persuade a sw to give you another child if you reject this one for what are fairly spurious reasons - you can't keep trying til you find one you like.

Everyone takes a huge plunge into the unknown with adoption and often the children we get have additional needs and are hard to bond with. My younger daughter was nearly 2 when she came to us and she did everything she could to avoid me for years. We now have a lovely relationship but she is extremely tricky. But I understand her and her challenges - I had to change, not her.

I understand that adopters of babies do sometimes struggle to reconcile the dream of the supposed blank slate baby with the child they get. But imo this is a dilemma for you to solve, not walk away from.

Your child could have ASD. It's the risk with having a baby. Rates of ASD diagnosis have increased, but so has provision.

Or, your child could be traumatised, and you have been holding back to protect yourselves (natural) and you need to spend more time on attachment promoting activities etc.

Ultimately, you face a choice to love and claim that you dont face with giving birth quite so starkly. Do you choose to do whatever is needed, in all the uncertainty? Or do you disrupt?

You can take your time in applying for the adoption order- and you can request support to be written in that if she does have ASD, and cannot access education or something, you get adoption allowance.

As you have concerns about her development, it's important to get that assessed via the health visitor. Could she have FASD? The majority of care experienced children are at risk, and it can look like ASD.

Love, attachment, bonding - it's not magic, it's a choice. You can choose to go forwards with hope, and know that's likely the best option for this LO- further disruption in her life will cause further trauma. You're the adult, you are the one with the choices.

But I would push for assessments and support in writing before AO.

At the end of the day the social workers were the ones telling us “surely will improve, it’s part of the process”. And maybe it is, we are just too scared to never be able to deeply bond and feel like our child is someone else’s (currently our feeling is we are 24/7 babysitters).

Your legal status as foster carers is in fact 24/7 babysitters, the child isn’t yours until the legal process to free the child for adoption is complete. Feeling like a babysitter is part of the process, and it does change but you need to be able to accept the child for who they are.

I’m surprised you hadn’t come across ASD before your baby came along, by your own admission you have minimal knowledge but are thinking a newborn infant may have autism. It sounds like you are looking for an explanation of why it’s so hard, and thinking there may be something “wrong” with the child. It’s hard because it is very hard. The whole set up with adoption is difficult never mind learning to care for and consider someone else 24/7 and put their needs first every waking minute of the day.

When you talk about bonding, what do you mean? Are you talking about being able to play, have a rapport with children, care for them? If you can quantify what you mean we might be able to help you unpick that. In saying that it’s much easier to have a positive relationship with children that aren’t yours, that you can hand back and have no responsibility for beyond the immediate interaction. It’s one of the reasons I think the idea of volunteering with children as prep for adoption is ridiculous. It’s not the same as knowing that child isn’t yours, their health, their welfare, their future will be determined by a hundred small decisions you make every day. It’s a different type of relationship - you’re comparing apples and pears and it’s making you doubt yourself.

I think you also have to be realistic about the impact your decision to give back the child will have. They have had a start that others in care could only dream of, building secure attachments from day one, no moves, no disruption, and if you disrupt and the child goes into foster care while they find new adopters, or even straight to new f2a carers, or adopters, that move and instability will have such a huge impact on them, their ability to form future secure attachments, their understanding of their story and why they were bounced about.

yep if you can’t get on board with asd and can’t bond with a child that has asd (or other significant needs) then I think disrupting and finding parents who can is of the up most importance for the child, but please factor in the sognificant consequences to the child if you do this, it’s not like re homing a puppy

But I would push for assessments and support in writing before AO.

Its very, very unlikely that any professional would assess a 9 month old for FASD, ASD or anything else developmental - baby development is such a wide spectrum they’d be reluctant to label an infant so young. The reality is there are no certainties with an infant, because they have so much growing to do compared to older children where their developmental path is a bit more known.

I'm not talking about pushing for diagnosis.

But getting under a neurodevelopmental team may reassure OP that things are within normal, or provide evidence for support.

Post AO, when there are no LAC medicals, no oversight of a paediatrician etc, it can be much harder to get medical care, IME. While the child has LAC status, access can be easier, and once under a team, even if it's "let's wait and see, review in a year" the threshold for discharge is higher than the threshold for a new referral.

Remember, the AO cures everything 😉Post-placement order, pre-adoption order is actually the strongest position to ask for support from, and getting some "evidence" from HVs etc can be helpful.

Of course, no one will diagnose ASD.

FASD, however, if they have documented alcohol exposure, clear facial features, and a negative genetic screen, they SHOULD be diagnosed. It's really important that diagnosis happens as early as possible to get all the other screening needed (heart, kidneys etc). Again, doing this at this legal stage can really help in getting support, too. Even getting "alcohol exposed pregnancy, at risk of FASD" in the medical notes can be helpful for later, if LO doesn't have facial features.

So I would say there is so much point in assessments beyond getting a diagnosis. This is a unique legal time where the LA WANT the placement to work, yet can't just wash their hands of you. It's about the only time in the process OP will have power to get help for the family- use it!

Remember, the AO cures everything 😉Post-placement order, pre-adoption order is actually the strongest position to ask for support from, and getting some "evidence" from HVs etc can be helpful.

Doesn’t it just 😂 I agree with really looking at everything that could be going on, just pointing out that any assessment process at this stage is unlikely to result in diagnosis. I also think that anything that gets in the way of the OP connecting with her child is probably not going to help at this stage.

We went down the traditional adoption route and our LO came home at 19 months. So quite a different situation, but we both experienced many of the same feelings as you, post adoption depression is real and the huge changes in your life can be really hard to deal with. Especially when you are facing them with buckets of uncertainty and limited sleep.
I remember every time LO would sneeze i would be paralysed with fear that he was allergic to our pets. Every tantrum was autism, every hyper moment was a sign of chronic ADHD and so on and so on.
I think this was a knee jerk response to the chaos my life had been thrown into and I was catastrophising, which is something I do often when in hard situations. Could this be the same for you? Not to mention how much these things are spoken about on social media now, it’s easy to doom scroll this kind of content and convince yourself there is a problem.

We are now almost two years in and the fierce love is only just starting to arrive (along with the intense guilt about how I felt and probably acted in those early days) and it’s only been in the last few months that I can honestly say that I have found any real joy in parenting.. I had the idea that the smaller they were the easier it would be to bond with them and in hindsight I don’t think that is necessarily the case.
Plus of course other people’s children are easier to bond with. You don’t have them 24/7 and you can give them back and carry on with the nice life you had before.
Not to mention the societal expectation that you will immediately fall in love with your little one and lie down and die for them. 9 months is really no time at all in the scheme of things.
i thought about disruption every day for at least the first 9 months. If I'm brutally honest it was only the thought of how I’d live with myself for being another horrid part of his story and the shame I’d feel at telling other people that stopped me serioudly considering it.

I also wanted to stall applying for the adoption order but the SW rightly pointed out to me that the application was just the start of another long journey and not an immediate granting of full parental responsibility. But having the AO has defo helped me to feel like a ‘real parent’, I get it’s necessary but I found the visits and the reviews and the health visitor visits and the meetings and having to let somebody know every time they bumped themselves subtly undermining and doesn’t help you to feel like ‘real’ parents.

Have you considered counselling? My OH and I had a few sessions and it did help put things in perspective.

On a previous thread your wife very clearly stated that she didn’t care why it (her words) didn’t make constant eye contact and if that carried on she’d give the baby away. She also clearly said you both resent the baby, don’t want the baby and want to try with another child asap. In her thread she sounded like a danger to a vulnerable baby as she also resented crying.

@Simonjt , this is my first post. And there is no wife in the equation, same sex couple.

@GracieHC thank you for your comments. It’s actually reassuring and you made good points about the bond with other people children that might actually not be the same as it’s not affecting our lives.

We thought about applying for the AO as maybe that was what is missing, the certainty that she is ours. We actually have some VIG planned and some help from SW in the next few weeks to see if attachment improves.

Husband then, it may be your first thread, but it isn’t the first thread about the situation, this was your husbands. It may have been better to have had the other thread moved to the adoption board.

Papalan · 24/12/2024 08:44
Hi all, sorry if someone finds this topic sensitive, but we have been living a nightmare and we don’t know how to continue.
Me and my partner started our adoption journey a few months ago when we were matched with a newborn baby girl. We were incredibly lucky to be able to pick her up from the hospital and experience parenthood from the very beginning as we wanted.
Only a few weeks in I felt like there was “something” with her behaviour. She would never look at me when feeding her a bottle and wouldn’t really pay much attention to us. This started to affect us as with the lack of eye contact there were not many other ways to bond with a newborn.
Fast forward a few months, she is the happiest little girl. She is meeting her milestones, eats well, sleeps well… but she is not bonding with us. We feel like we are 24/7 babysitters. She does give decent eye contact when on the pram, mat, high chair…but she would do everything she can to avoid eye contact when holding her on having her on our lap. This is making us impossible to build a connection with her. We went through a stage of thinking she could be on the ASD spectrum, or maybe it was trauma from separation from birth mum, or just her personality… but the truth is that whatever the reason is we don’t care, it’s this behaviour what is affecting the attachment. She won’t really engage with us when singing to her or trying to play with her.
We care about her, but we don’t really love her. It breaks our hearts because we have had her for 9 months now and we are still feeling this way. We want this to work out but we don’t know if this bond will ever come as there’s no biological bond.
If the baby was ours biologically we wouldn’t really have a choice but to power through it, but as we still have to confirm the adoption we are considering if this is right for us or not. It breaks our heart thinking giving her away, but I can honestly say these have been the unhappiest 9 months of my life, and that makes me wonder. I’ve been on therapy for a few months already. We are depressed and crying almost everyday. We just don’t want to spend time with her because it’s a constant reminder of the situation and we feel horrible. Sorry for the vent, but we don’t know what to do or how long to delay a decision as it’s not fair for anyone. We just want our little happy family, and this is breaking us.

I found a weight lifted post AO, and I could relax into claiming DC.

Have you thought about post adoption depression? It is really common, and could be worth seeing your GP. I second counselling as a good idea.

@rabblenotrebel thank you. We think AO could help. I haven’t discussed it with my GP, only with the SW. Might be good checking for post adoption depression

With @Simonjt 's update, it sounds really important you both speak with your GP.

I hate to say it, but you two were the only ones with the options, and you chose this. Baby didn't choose any of this. Bio link or not, you don't really have a choice. Disruption at this stage will scar you, your husband, but most importantly your baby. As a mum of both biological and adopted kids- the biological link makes no difference. I love all my children equally.

We actually have some VIG planned and some help from SW in the next few weeks to see if attachment improves.

I don’t know if you just don’t understand what is meant by attachment but it doesn’t work the way you seem to think it does. It’s not something a baby gives or withholds - it’s something fostered by attuned, attentive caregivers over a long period of time. The baby will adapt to your caregiving and, if that is consistent and attuned she’ll develop a secure attachment pattern, if it’s not her attachment pattern will be less secure.

Attachment isn’t about her making eye contact, giggling when you play with her - it’s about where she finds security, the foundation for her exploring the world. You won’t see that after a few VIG sessions. If the link @Simonjt posted is your situation I’d be deeply concerned about your expectations of this baby and parenthood more generally.

@rabblenotrebel thanks for your response. It’s actually the SW who has given us all the options as seems this is not the first time that has happened. At the end of the day on EP you don’t have chemistry visits like on standard adoption. And it’s a fact that chemistry could not happen. But we want it to work out, that’s why we are doing all this extra work.

Hi @Jellycatspyjamas , the options of VIG and parental support has been suggested by the SWs as this is something that happens. The attachment issue is not from her side, it’s from ours. From her side we see lack of engagement, and everyone sees it as it’s not with us only, but with everyone. We want it to work out, that’s why we are looking for all the support we can from social services.

This is such a sad post. Did your agency not discuss that if you have a newborn baby on foster to adopt who has been removed at birth they will have trauma and the chances of long term additional needs of some form is much much higher than in a birth child. You sound like you've been looking for problems about her eye contact before she is even old enough to make eye contact. Do you like her? Because you talk about not having a bond but it seems lots more than that like you really aren't keen on her as a human. I'm wondering what's keeping you going with her placement and with parenting her? If you do decide you can't carry on it would be so much better for her if that would happen now than years down the line.

"Chemistry" is for GCSEs or dating. You don't have "chemistry" with your children. Parenting is mostly mind numbingly dull servitude.

There will never be the fireworks you're expecting.

You don't get the attachment- you give it.

We adopted at toddler age and I've only ever seen newborns/babies as the birth children of friends and family. Just my view/experience but I think toddlers are much easier to bond with from adult perspective, the children you volunteered with were presumably a little older and engaging a bit more in play. Play is pretty limited and boring for the grown ups in the first few months, as others have said above it's about fostering attachment through meeting basic needs over time. I'm pretty sure babies can't even make eye contact in the first few weeks because their eyesight is still developing.

I think there can be a big shift in feelings once things feel more permanent ie with the placement or adoption order, and hope that will help you. But it sounds like you both need to do some serious thinking and work to shift your current mindsets and move on from how you've been approaching the relationship with your child, perhaps speaking to a therapist would help.