I’m not fully attached to my fostered baby

[Fosterpapa]

Hi all. We are in a very difficult situation and we are so scared we don’t know which way to go.
We have been fostering to adopt this little girls since birth. We were so lucky to have a newborn so we could start bonding with her straight away. The problem is we are 9 months in the process now and we still feel like the first day. We obviously care and do anything for her, but we don’t feel like we are parents, we don’t feel the love that we think we are supposed to feel…
We never thought bonding would be an issue as we have always built good bonds with the kids at the nursery we volunteered at, with the kids of friends and family, etc.

The journey has been very difficult in terms of contact visits, threats, delays, social services’ mistakes…etc. On top of that, quite early on (first few weeks) we realised she was not doing good eye contact when up close and she was not very cuddly. We started thinking there could be some developmental delays or ASD and to be fair this thought has haunted me since. We also put ourselves a shield to protect us from the uncertainty of the adoption in case she ended up not staying with us.
Time passed and we were not bonding with her. We couldn’t get her interested in us or engaged long enough to build a relationship with her. Social services (and us) were justifying the lack of engagement due to the adoption process which was being quite difficult, and we were always assuming after the next “step” she would be more engaged.
We have now finished the fostering period, she is legally placed for adoption and contact has stopped. It’s been 2 months now like this and we still feel the same way.
We are in a position to apply for adoption and we are not sure if that’s the right decision. We think eventually the attachment from our side would come, but what if it doesn’t? I also feel a bit resentful for not having enjoyed all these months due to her lack of engagement and I’m worried this would come out in the future. Also the worry of possible ASD is still there and we are a bit concerned considering all we have been through, we will struggle to accept it and cope with it.
On the other side we obviously care a lot about her and thinking about not having her in our lives breaks our heart. Also the consequences of this decision scare us: Would we ever recover and be able to try adoption again after this traumatic event? Will we always compare the child to her?…

We sometimes think the fact we have the “choice” is what is killing us. If she was ours already we wouldn’t have other alternative but to power through everything that comes in front of us.

Sorry for the long post. Not sure if anyone has been in this situation before as it’s quite specific, I certainly do not want it for anybody else.

We didn't have a "chemistry meeting". We were introduced to the children over a course of days but there was an expectation on all sides that we would be proceeding, not that we might well drop out.

I personally didn't want to adopt a new born baby as I didn't think I would cope. I wanted children I could talk to and do fun things with from the off. I found the sudden arrival of two young children really hard, especially as one of them didnt want me and the other had rampant adhd, but I persevered because I reckoned it would get better. I knew these children needed me and that they would have a very different life if we didn't get through the early days/weeks/months.

If you and/or your partner is depressed it will be really hard to bond with the child. It isn't her job to charm you. My daughter works in a nursery and she finds some children easier to love than others. Her foster carer adored her - out of over 300 children she had fostered she loved our daughter most. But she didn't like our other daughter and in fact was quite mean to her.

What I'm saying is that it's complicated. Hard even. But you can both decide to get on with it, stop looking for anything back, just focus on this child and meeting her needs. Just put her first. Relax. Don't expect magic. Parenting is often hard work with no thanks.

Having seen some of the updates, I think you both need therapy and some post adoption support about the realities of a young baby. Your expectations seem way above the norm for an adopter.

When you talk about "chemistry" in relation to a newborn I don't really understand what you mean. We adopter our boy when he was six months old. We met him face to face during introductions. I felt like I was his baby sitter for a while, but I kept going. Most of our friends who have adopter had a similar process unless they adopter older children.

Biological link (to me at least) means nothing. I have both bio and adopted kids, I love both.

I am so surprised you weren't spoken to about the massive uncertainties when adopting a newborn/young baby. ASD, FASD, all of these should have been explored with you to some extent.

I really hope you get the support you need, but most importantly I hope your baby gets what she needs.

Background: adopted a baby at 18 months (traditional adoption) about a year and half ago.

First of all you sound incredibly naive or ill informed about adoption. I'm shocked about how little you know about attachment & how it's formed/develops. Im not the class-swot, but it's all over social media and so easy to find in easy digestible/relatable forms.
I'm also not sure you have really appreciated the challenge of F2A and hard adoption is, especially the early days (which you are still in). No way would I have ever considered F2A, all the risk, pressure, uncertainty goes to you. I appreciate why it's been developed and promoted and clearly it's much more preferable to the child, but I couldn't imagine a more stressful process. Respect to you both, give yourself credit for that at least.

This isn't your fault, your SW has let you down by not exploring this with you, it's important to have a positive & optimistic mindset (I hope all parents have this when planning parenthood) but adoption is an incredibly tough and risky process you both sound like you weren't prepared enough for this reality. Are either of you ND?

The chances are that the BPs have ND and or learning difficulties and or mental/physical problems all of which are probably not diagnosed correctly if at all, and definitely aren't recorded correctly in the adoption paperwork/baby's medical background.

Surely you knew this?
Most healthy adults do not have their children removed from them.
Addictions don't seem to be the biggest driver to neglect despite public perceptions. Generational poverty and trauma are the icing on the cake, but not the complete picture (usually, and this is only my opinion, after having been exposed to the system and filling in the blanks).

Therefore the chances of any child having ND and or disabilities is much higher than in the general population and then throw in trauma and poor ante-natal care, stress of the mother while pregnant, DV, premature birth etc, an adoptive child is more vulnerable.

Sorry to start with some harshness, but you both need a reality check.

I want to share with you my 'journey' over the last 18 months I've been an adoptive parent, I hope it's helpful in some way.

First of all I feel like I've died.
The old me doesn't seem to exist anymore, I just work & parent & do housework/admin. Yes I still see friends/family, but I'm always 'mummy' now and I don't find much joy or interest in anything that I have to do now, parenthood is full on drudgery and so boring compared to my life before. Not that I was a glamorous party girl but I took for granted my freedom & autonomy and didn't appreciate to what extent I was giving them away.
I'm not interested in play dates or hanging out with other parents either . I know it's not strictly necessary, but it would definitely be helpful if I was! I do like children and I had lots of childcare experience, but nothing can prepare you for being a parent rather than a 'fun' uncle/aunt/friend.

I feel trapped and exhausted. I've been to my GP, they had suggested and then dismissed depression, I don't feel it's that, I wake up happy, it just feels like I'm in shock and grieving.
My life has changed forever, I'll never be the 'old' me again.
I also feel that I minimised how difficult the adoption process was, it's like now I have the child my brain and body could start processing what I've been through to get to that point and the compound stress have come home to roost.

Similar to others on here I daily imagined giving the baby 'back'. I hoped there would be a miracle and the BP's could have changed their lives/circumstances and claim the child back. I knew couldn't put the child back into care, I'm not the best parent they could have had, but not much is worse than being in care.

Unlike you I knew if my adoption broke down I'd never ever even consider adoption or fostering ever again. I thought I could move abroad, disappear and start again. I knew my life was over if I disrupted, so I just thought about the child and sparing them the trauma of another move and what was best for them.

My child was extremely easy to look after. Too easy. I too became obsessed with the idea they are ASD (no eye contact, very low reactions, tolerance of me but no affection).
I am ND myself, it's not ND itself that scared me, more that the child won't be able to develop attachment to me and there would be no love between us to counter all the boring parenting drudgery, I'm not sure I could have lived like that for too long. It's so incredibly hard to give all that you can without receiving anything back. I understand and I sympathise.

It's helped enormously going back to work & the child going to nursery. We both benefit from that.
But what's really helped is seeing my child develop and start enjoying life. I faked it the entire first 12 months. I felt I'd made the biggest mistake of my life. But I tried my best to build a connection with the child. I looked after them, read, sang, chatted with them, endless baths. Was silly but consistent. I tried to be as warm and caring and gentle as I could but trying not to smother/overwhelm them.
I did all the work. They did nothing but observe and process.
Soul destroying to have little to no response, but I am the adult, they are the terrified (even if my child never showed that) child, who does not know what the hell is going on, shipped off to a complete stranger.
After about 6 months of nothing much, and no other development either, little by little they started reaching for me, wanting to be with me, responding to my cuddles and smiles.
Now 18 months on I would be very surprised if anyone thought my child was adopted (if they didn't know already) there is a very easy-going, happy connection and love between us. We catch each other's eye to share something we've seen that the other would like (even if it's a poo in the potty believe me, it's the small things!) We make each other smile, we make each other laugh, we want to share things together, we are each other's favourite person.
Eye contact is now 'normal' I don't worry about ASD although they are very likely to be ND & have now diagnosed with a few 'minor' disabilities some of which were on my radar, some that weren't.
But they are definitely my child now, no going back, no matter what comes our way.

So I do get some of what you are going through. I guess I am a 'success' story, it doesn't feel like that, I feel pretty broken, but much more optimistic about the future and how we will both cope with what lies ahead.

Adoption disruption does happen.
It's tragic for all involved, but if it's the right thing it's the right thing.
I would assume once you have disrupted with an adoption then it will be extremely hard to adopt a different child.
Adoption isn't try before you buy even via F2A.
If your child is currently at risk you need to speak to your GP and SW.
Even if they aren't you need to speak to your GP.
You need support, right now.
Who are your support network? If you can't reach out to them, or they aren't great/don't understand then buy in support. Therapy, help with childcare, baby sitting so you can go out one evening, attachment training, therapy-play etc etc.

You need to ensure you have done everything you can to try and keep this child with you, then if disruption does happen you know you did all you can.
I don't judge, none of us have a clue if we will be good parents, we assume and hope we will be, but until it happens we don't know. I do believe if you put the work in you will develop connection with any child, but only you know what you can do and if it's possible to continue this placement.
Just please, prioritise everyone's safety, especially the child's, and reach out for help.

I've just seen this response and to add my experience again re introductions and chemistry. There was zero between myself and the child during that time. The FCs and myself were very friendly but the child couldn't have been less responsive or interested in me. It was tough, but I couldn't and didn't take it personally.
I imagine is this fairly usual with a young child/baby, they are going to respond more to their familiar FCs not the random person who's been invited to lunch, the baby has no clue you are their future parent.

From her side we see lack of engagement, and everyone sees it as it’s not with us only, but with everyone. We want it to work out, that’s why we are looking for all the support we can from social services.

What do you mean by “lack of engagement”, it’s wholly likely this little one is absolutely terrified. She’s been taken from the safety of her mothers womb and given to two people she has no reference point for - who when she was weeks old judged her lack of eye contact (which is extremely normal) and have provided care but don’t love her, who in fact feel resentment towards her.

You’ve gone into this with no clear understanding of infant development, the impact of pre-birth trauma and attachment. You also by your own admission have no prior understanding of ASD but are looking to diagnose her based on infant eye contact. As a social worker I can’t imagine how you got accepted for F2A without these absolute basics in place.

You seem dismissive of the impact that the uncertainty that comes with F2A and how that will have impacted your care of your baby, and the resultant impact on attachment. Babies learn through their experience of being cared for, eg the way they are held during feeding promotes eye contact from you to them which then teaches them that eye contact is safe, the way you chat to them through the day, babble with them tells them they can communicate and you will respond, the way you hold and comfort them teaches them self regulation. Your loving care for them teaches them that people are safe. It’s a process over time. If you’ve held her at arms length emotionally she won’t feel safe, and therefore won’t develop a secure attachment pattern.

I’m glad social work are doing VIG, they should give you lots of pointers to support your engagement with your baby - because at this age that’s where the problem will be, it’s not your babies job to engage with you, it’s for you to foster that engagement and teach your baby, who has had a very unsafe entry to the world, that the world is a safe place. Please be open to what they observe because it will help.

The early intro visits are not to test out the 'chemistry' between the child and prospective adopters, but to introduce the child to their new carers incrementally and to very slightly lessen the profound shock of losing everything they have known thus far in their life.

Yes, I think you've misunderstood intros, OP. Intros isn't about whether you catch feels, it's about the child. Like everything in adoption. It's all about the children.

Firstly sorry for the abrupt tone of my previous messages, you hit a nerve as I have perceived your case to be that you went into f2a as it was an easy way to get a nice easy baby, where it’s all about you and your experience , rather than with the child focus reasons that it’s good for child for the adult to take the stress, risk and unknown, in order for them to establish a secure base at the earliest possible opportunity. If I have misinterpreted the situation I do apologise.

however your justification about no chemistry meetings as an explanation for your situation, is not a risk that anyone has presented to be for f2a and sounds to bot silly to be honest. My mainstream LO was didn’t feel “chemistry” with for well over a year, would you have walked away at intros because you didn’t ‘feel’ it, and my f2a baby is fell in love with in the first week. That’s not the same for everyone but please don’t blame f2a for the reason you don’t feel it yet.

there is no judgement here that you don’t feel it yet it’s normal and many people here have given their own experience for it, however the fact that you appear to want to hold off apply for the ao to see if you feel it is concerning, either commit to the child or get off the pot

And lastly there is no magic fix, go to a course, she will start maintaining eye contact, feel connected to you child, it’s just time, fake it till you make it.

at the moment your messages come across as my child doesn’t look at me, I don’t like that, i have a choice as to whether this child should be mine, I think I might send them back as they don’t look at me.

and I don’t think you actually do have much of a choice. You bought this child into you home, and now it’s time to step up and do what’s right for them, yea hold off on the ao until all the correct support is in place, but sending them back because they don’t look at you and you don’t feel it, really?

We never thought bonding would be an issue as we have always built good bonds with the kids at the nursery we volunteered at, with the kids of friends and family, etc.

I think its strange you've built bonds with strangers children whilst volunteering.

we realised she was not doing good eye contact when up close and she was not very cuddly.

At a few weeks old? Babies can't even focus at that point.

I find it shocking your partner has referred to a human beings life and only family shes ever really known as "giving her away" like she's a big of clothes to be sent to the charity shop.

I think its best you nip this in the bud now. Its clear you've gone into this process with what a child can provide for you and not the other way round.

I wanted to add, my younger daughter seemed fine. She was bubbly and vivacious and gave lots of eye contact. She was never defiant and never rejected me as such - but she spent a lot of time napping, playing. We saw a family therapist re our older daughter and she was more interested in seemingly happy as Larry younger one. Turned out it was all a mask. Younger one had been passed around friends and family as a baby and she had learned to be smiley and happy to get her needs met. Once we started attachment therapy with her the anger and fury started pouring out.

Anyway, my point is that you don't really know what good attachment looks like when you are inexperienced.

This little girl has been ripped away from her biological mum and has
spent almost her entire life not knowing whether she's coming or going. Lack of eye contact is very common in babies and can take months and months or years for adopted children to feel safe enough to lack into the eyes of their parent(s) in a close 121 situation.

There's no way that a child of a few weeks old gives signs of ASD.

Adoption is not try before you buy.

Are you aware any attachment of an adopted child to its parent(s) takes years. VIG is where the attachment therapist looks at few minutes of your interactions with your child and you discuss things. It would give you an insight as to how you are reacting to/responding to your child and give you some thoughts about how you need to change your parenting. I spent 24 sessions over 2 years and it barely scratched report surface.

Did your SW honestly indicate that a few weeks of VIG would improve her attachments ?????

As I said upthread it takes YEARS for a child to build attachment. We are 4 years in and I still have to ask permission to touch my son.

If the thought of ASD is causing you all this worry how will you cope in the extremely likely event that this little girl will have various additional needs: development trauma, developmental delay, sensory issues, FASD, display child to parent violence. Hoard food, wee/poo in the floor, in boxes, smear it. You possibly having to give up work. Having huge huge issues in school.

A child not giving you eye contact is the least of your worries.

It is extremely worrying to read that you and your partner have a child that is meeting milestones, feeding, sleeping is very sociable, happy.... But yet you have both been crying and crying for months because she doesn't give you direct eye contact. And that you are considering disrupting and trying with another child. She's not an item of clothing that you can keep swapping until you get the right size.

From this post and the post in the parenting section you seem to have a very unprepared view of what adoption is.

I really don't mean to sound blunt, with all this... This little girl needs parents who are 1 million percent committed to her.

I think you and your partner need to sit down and make a very clear decision about where you go from here. You can not continue to parent her and view her like this.

My son was 4 years old when he arrived. I had a whole year of hours of the most horrendous child to parent violence imaginable and about 4 hours sleep each night. And spent 18 months a complete wreck.

I never ever gave up. He was my son and I had committed to him. 4 years on there is now some definite attachment.

I wish you all the best.

@Fosterpapa

I adopted through traditional adoption when my dd was 2 but there are some parallels in our stories. My dd has complex special needs (she's nearly 7 but functions around 18ish month), I knew about some of her needs when she was placed with me but A LOT wasn't shared. We also had an extreme legal/birth family/life story/placing LA situation which I won't derail your thread with but I understand the impact it has. DDs behaviour needs are significant and really take their toll.

9 months is still really early on, I only began to love my dd about the 9 month mark and it took 2 years for me to not regret adopting her. In fact it was after the love came, but before the regret went that was the hardest as the guilt was unbearable!

There is no rush at all to apply for the AO, you may experience some pushback for example our IRO really tried to guilt trip me. But giving myself time and ensuring services were in place while we still had the clout that came with being LAC was really worth it. It took nearly 3 years for me to get the AO and several times I was offered to change to long term FC due to the severity of my child's needs, which I declined. However I was surprised by how much better I felt once I had it, I knew my dd better than anyone and I loved her more than anyone, it was so reassuring once the legal status lined up with that.

Pre AO, in the dark days I found the 'option' of 'giving her back' was a thought I would escape to, perhaps similar to a person facing bankruptcy fantasising about winning the lottery. But that's not helpful thinking and in my experience built resentment and uncertainty. She didn't choose this, I did. And I'm the one who can get up everyday and try my best to meet her needs, advocate for support and show her how lovable and deserving of care she is.

I'm not sure if anyone has mentioned but the part of your post which is most sad is when you say:

On the other side we obviously care a lot about her and thinking about not having her in our lives breaks our heart. Also the consequences of this decision scare us: Would we ever recover and be able to try adoption again after this traumatic event? Will we always compare the child to her?

It's good you care a lot about her, but your entire post is focused on your feelings and your needs. I appreciate that when in distress this, is a natural response but your lack of obvious concern for your daughter is quite stark. What about worrying if she would ever recover, never mind you two fully grown adults?!

And:

Also the worry of possible ASD is still there and we are a bit concerned considering all we have been through, we will struggle to accept it and cope with it.

I'm assuming you're referring to 'all you've been through' as what you earlier said about adoption process, contact issues etc. I'm not trying minimise the impact that can have, as I said our story was really extreme, police/SW/judges all agreed they had never dealt with a case like ours, and I'm now in long term trauma therapy to try to deal with it. However it is nothing compared to my DDs experiences, literally cannot compare them. Again you seem quite quick to highlight your own struggles and don't make even a passing acknowledgement of your daughters trauma.

Wanting to adopt without being willing to deal with additional needs in some form is a bit like going swimming without wanting to get wet. To different degrees all our children will have needs above and beyond their peers and many will have significant needs including a high occurance of neuro-diversity.

Please do be honest with your SW ans GP, ask for urgent therapeutic input for you and your partner. There's a huge amount at stake here.

@Fosterpapa

I think in some respects you have been given a hard time here, but also some things completely baffle me.
I'm stunned that you had never heard of ASD, ND conditions are so prevelant in adopted kids I'm surprised it wasn't covered in adoption prep, similarly I thought it was included in the list of matching criteria.
You do also seem to have very high expectations of a tiny baby, I'm particularly puzzled why you felt she would respond to the 'next step', she wouldn't have been aware of any next step.
If you are still reading and if you take anything away from these two threads is that you need to do a lot more learning and think hard about whether this is right for you.
Whilst we all worry about and for our children, you really can't afford it to send you into such a tailspin. It is highly likely that any child you adopt will have some level of additional needs - its something you have to accept as part and parcel of adoption

Did you not receive any information or training on babies having trauma or being ND?

I do think you have jumped to the ASD conclusion rather quickly if you are saying you thought this from her being just weeks old when her vision won't be fully focused.

I would ask for some training on ND and trauma in babies and look into therapy to see how you can move forward.

Here we don't do chemistry meetings. Plus you have had more time with the baby than a "normal" adopters would from first meeting to AO which would be considered lucky by many.

I've looked after 2 children who acted like you mention but grew to be happy and healthy children after putting in a lot of work and effort. It comes from you, not the baby.

Also, I would give some serious consideration to breaking down the placement as that will cause more trauma to the little one. In addition to that, where I am an f2a match that broke down due to issues you have stated would mean the SW would be really hesitant to match you with another child in the future incase this happened again. It might be different where you are but here it wouldn't go down well I have seen it happen.

I think you should disrupt. This post is all about you, your feelings, how the child has let you down.
It doesn't read like you are the parents this child needs.
Fwiw it took me 2-3 years to feel an inner bond with my bc that transcended the mechanics of caring, feeding, looking after, worrying about them etc. When I adopted I didn't worry about that one bit - so long as you fake it til you make it. And your behaviour isn't reserved. It creeps up on you that depth.
I cannot even begin to fathom what you mean when talking about bonding with friends' kids.

You may not be reading this now but I just want to tell you that I felt exactly the same in my situation. Slightly different story - we had adopted our first child, now about 6 years ago, with whom the attachment was instant. We didn't ever worry. He was an easy baby, formed relationships easily and still does. He is your perfect child - confident, outgoing so it was easy for us to love him. Our second child, is and was v different. I struggled so much to form a bond with her because she was not easy. However - the advice on here was very much fake it until you make it. I persevered and I have to say about a year and a half into her living with us, I found myself nearly shouting at a child who had pushed her over and I thought to myself: 'wow I do love this child.'. I will also say; though she hasn't been diagnosed I do suspect autism. We know there are some learning needs - but she is a hilarious child who makes me so happy. This morning she counted my chins in bed - and unfortunately there's more than one, but she counted them - which is almost definitely progress...! And as much as she gives me a fair amount of grief - she is perfect too.

Try not to dwell on life now and try and get through the next day. When I first started I had to think in hour long chunks to get through the day because I didn't enjoy it. But eventually the love came - and my advice is truly to fake it until you make it.

Also babies are so boring.....!!!!

I felt very similar OP, he felt like an alien to me and I was completely taken over by providing for his needs. I felt like my life was completely ruined and it was a huge mistake. There were days I cried and days I could hardly function from sleep deprivation. That first year was the worst of my life, no question. The second year improved a bit and then suddenly he became this cute, sweet, chatty little character who just adored me and I finally got it, finally it got easier and it all seemed worthwhile.

I didn't adopt though, this was my own child that I carried for 9 months and then gave birth to. There were time I'd have given him back if I had anyone to give him back to! We're fed so many wonderful fantasies about what having a baby will be like when often it's actually just a grinding, thankless, tedious slog. I know now that I am definitely not a baby person, but once that baby starts talking and walking and feeling like a real person - from then on they are just the most wonderful thing. He's an adult now and actually was diagnosed much later with ASD but he is the best thing ever.

Lower your expectations would be my advice, concentrate of being there for her and expect nothing back, give her chance to grow up to become the sort of kid you have previously bonded with. One who can chat and play and make you laugh, one who looks to you when she falls over and holds out her arms to you and who no one knows better than you do.

As someone who sees the women that children are removed from at birth, it's such a risk adopting a child like this and expecting them to be perfect medically. They are often exposed to all sorts of chemicals during pregnancy and therefore have a much higher risk of things like FAS.

As someone adopting, you should have been aware of this. Children are not removed from there mothers at birth for small issues!

With the bonding, I struggled bonding with my eldest child for years, she was very difficult as a baby and I probably had PN depression. But we have such a great bond now, but if I had the choice at the time I might have stepped away, but never would have forgiven myself. You have that choice now, don't make that mistake and step away. I think you would really regret it and never again get the opportunity you have had to care for someone there whole life and be the centre of their world. Adopting at older ages is very different. Even if she doesn't make constant eye contact, your her whole world and all she knows, plus her comfort and reassurance. She loves you. Babies are not capable of being manipulative.

I also cannot see a couple getting as far as this without some basic understanding of adoption, children's needs and frequent conditions like ASD.

Which also leads me to my next point - the style of the OP's posts - not really answering or engaging with the substance of the replies but leaving enough that people respond in surprise at the apparent naivety - often sharing details from their own families/lives. Clearly lacking in basic adoption knowledge.

I would be careful about sharing any personal information or stories with someone who posts in this way.

I really feel for you all OP, it’s such a life changing situation that no one can prepare you for. Feel free to look up my posts from 10 years ago when my then 1 yo AD was rejecting me, refusing eye contact, crawling up to every other Mum in playgroups and if we went out for meals would spend almost the entire meal ‘flirting’ with random strangers, to the point that one meal she had her back to us for the entire hour. Not fun.

i really struggled and in searching for answers I read everything possible about adoption, (and at the time the adoption UK forum was quite the eye opener) which would lead to catastrophising- did she have RAD, FASD, ASD etc. yes we knew all of the risks that come with adopting, but you always hope you’ve dodged that bullet.

What changed for us? Well definitely not the social workers! But I did get a lot of support from mumsnet (again look at that thread) where one post in particular really struck a chord - it was I accept your rejection today, but that won’t be your final answer, and I’ll keep working on building that attachment. Sheer grit.

We also found a course called safebase, all about theraplay and building attachments, blowing bubbles, making our baby into a pizza by sprinkling food all over her when she was lying on her back (glorified tickling really), feathery tickles, thinks that would make her laugh and catch our eyes. And spending time with other adoptive parents extended our support network.

i refused to believe I was depressed but saw the doc who gave me anti anxiety pills which really helped; and I had an unexpected hospital stay where I found I actually missed her- about 10 days in!

it wasn’t overnight and it took a long time for me not to want to disrupt, but I knew if we did, there would be no further chances. Plus my DH was besotted. So we persevered and things got better. I love her madly now, although she drives me nuts! It’s not an easy journey, and it is different for everyone, but I wanted to give you some options that might help you out of the funk you’re in at the moment.

Finally if adoption isn’t for you, no judgement from me, I came very, very close to disruption. Be kind to yourselves, and maybe get some counselling and poss some medication to work through your feelings. Obviously you need to put your little one first, but you are important too.