Ah it’s lovely to see you @Italiangreyhound, I was wondering how you’re doing and I’m sorry you’re struggling. The teen years are tricky - my DD is 13 and we’re coming up against stuff that has never been an issue before.
The thing to remember is that the teen years are all about young people establishing a sense of identity, which can be very difficult when their sense of self is impacted by adoption and loss. It’s also a time when we get another bite of the cherry in terms of attachment - which means lots of consistency, responsiveness and iron clad boundaries - so they feel safe enough to push.
My DD has a lot of health appointments but also finds all things health care very stressful. Things that have worked is not booking more than one appointment a week (which was very tricky when she had a weekly CAMHS session, weekly blood tests etc). She also knows some appointments are absolutely non-negotiable and we set those out on a calendar so she can see when they fall. I too bribe where need be, I’ve also marched her out to the car and pretty much forced the issue where something has been essential.
In terms of school, I find it helpful to think in terms of being in education. So for my DD it means specialist school provision which is far from academic but gives her a routine, some social life and covers the basics. It also means theatre school once a week because she absolutely loves performing and while there may tears and tantrums to get her there, once she’s there she really does love it.
Could you look at options, eg he goes to school, works either a tutor X hours a week, does independent study, goes to college but he needs to pick something and do it regularly. I not worry too much about exams, he can always resit or study later in life. Just now it’s about getting him to adulthood in one piece with your relationship intact.
In terms of screens, I don’t fight her during the day even though it means much more time than I’d like. We have a strict screens downstairs after 10.00pm and never overnight. If she has something specific she wants to do later on, she does it downstairs where I can keep an eye on her (which has proved much needed on more than one occasion).
While he’s a teenager and needs more freedom, he’s also 14 and needs boundaries and guidance. To be honest the level of conflict sometimes on my house is more than I’d like, but I’d rather have the conflict than have her being exploited online, in bed 20 hours a day and wasting her life. I do pick my battles carefully but really fight the ones that feel like they matter.
Some of what you’re describing sounds like usual teen stuff, and it’s hard to separate out unwilling from unable. What are you prepared to live with/accept and what are your bottom lines?