School-refuser, lots of issues, need advice

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all I am a long term adopter and big advocate of adoption but have hit a real bump in the road with my 14 year old boy. He is a school-refuser, lots of issues, and I need advice, please.

He won't attend appointments and I wonder if anyone is around today to give some advice about dealing with a controlling child.

I will really focus on our relationship. He did come down and got some dinner, his brother made him some pasta and I said thank you for cooking the pasta and I saw Cassius smile, that his brother had to make it for him. I told him 'I saw that smile' and he said how, you were in a different room (I wasn't) .... and I said in a jokey voice 'I see everything.' Best bit of interaction we have had for days!

@rabblenotrebel I will look into NVR. Can you say a bit more about how it helped you if it did.

Patchyman1 "Bit of an odd question, how fond of the dog is he? And how amenable is the dog? We have a dog who the kids love way more than they love us! He is often used in bribery cases! He has been known to come to the optician and barbers with us (doctors etc wouldn't let him in understandably) and then we go to the pet shop after to get him a treat for being so good, so the focus is on the dog not the kids!

Also our broadband is with Sky and we have this app where you can turn off individual devices rather than the WiFi. As they have multiple devices, we let them only have one on at a time. Otherwise they are on a playstation gaming, watching YouTube on a switch whilst googling on a phone and they get overloaded. This way they have to decide which one they want and if they want yo swap we have to do it on the app."

The dog is not something we could bribe him with, he is not really a dog person. I will look into the device switch.

@ Jellycatspyjamas "Cassius doesn't want to be with me. It breaks my heart. But I will try.
Can you say a bit more about this - is it typical teen doesn’t want to be seen with mum, or more he doesn’t want to be with you/adopted/away from his birth family? How is he with your husband? What does he understand about his adoption experience?"

Both typical teen thing but more so, he huffs and puffs if I come in the kitchen the same time as him! he has a chance to meet his birth mum (after years of asking) and has now said no, he doesn't want to!

@Ted27 Lovely to hear from you. "...it's perfectly normal for boys particularly to turn into stroppy non washing, bedroom hermits in the teen years. I still gave to nudge my 20 year old towards the shower now and again but at 14/15 he was decidedly stinky round the armpits. I think most parents of young adults find they emerge from their bedrooms much more human like in a few years but it's painful getting there."

I am hopeful for the future.

"So as long as he isn't doing anything dangerous or watching porn, again I'd relax a bit about it." I know and I think what he is doing is innocent but he has been gaming all night and sleeping all day so we have switched off internet at night and he is very angry about this. but the professionals, seem to think this is a good thing to do and so do we.

"If he's eating something, again I wouldn't worry too much about what.!

I know I agree but I worry.

"Try and separate out the normal teenage stuff from the bigger issues such as school refusal."

"I'd agree with focusing on your relationship. Have you tried texting as a way of communicating." I do text and he normally ignores me!

He doesn't like football, must find an alternative.

"Finally, don't forget you are doing a great job - don't forget that" you are a star.

Thank you.

I found all the comments very helpful.

@Italiangreyhound

I think turning off the Internet at night is a perfecting reasonable boundary, I never allowed my son a device in his bedroom after bedtime until he was 16. It led to huge battles and hunt the phone every night as he tried to get round it.
As you mention his birth mum I wonder if he would engage in life story work. If he's backed off wanting to meet her maybe he is afraid what he might learn or confused about his feelings, maybe he doesn't want to hurt you?
I'm a huge advocate of therapeutic life story work, it saved us, but like any other therapy they have to be ready to engage.

@Ted27

"As you mention his birth mum I wonder if he would engage in life story work. If he's backed off wanting to meet her maybe he is afraid what he might learn or confused about his feelings, maybe he doesn't want to hurt you?
I'm a huge advocate of therapeutic life story work, it saved us, but like any other therapy they have to be ready to engage."

I do wonder if the birth mum thing is playing on his mind.

He is not trying to spare my feelings. I feel sure a out that!