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Adoption

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Original poster

I'm adopted, thinking of writing a letter to birth mum

33 replies

nottoosureonthisidea · 28/04/2008 14:48

What do you think of this. Searched through Social Services, but they are taken absolutly ages with writing a letter. Not 100percent sure if this is the right address, but though it is worth a try.

If you give your dc up for adoption, would you be happy with recieving a letter like this?

Please help

OP posts:
shortcake · 28/04/2008 15:01

Don't think all your post is there. Can't see letter.

ninedragons · 28/04/2008 15:11

To be perfectly, 100% honest, I'd ring Social Service and hassle them. I don't know how to put this delicately, but your birth and adoption was almost certainly a traumatic time for your birth mother and a letter from you out of the blue might stir up a lot of unresolved feelings in her.

Was there an agency involved in the adoption? Or are there charities that help birth families find each other? There are in Australia but I don't know about the UK.

shortcake · 28/04/2008 15:14

My DD is adopted - so I see it from the other side. How will your Mum feel about this?

jofeb04 · 28/04/2008 15:17

I didn't want to include the letter in it!

Mum will obviously be upset, but understands the reasons as to why I want to know where I come from (iykwim).

SS recieved all the paperwork from the agency, and it is up to ss to write the letter - but they haven't.

Really not too sure what is best tbh.

needahand · 28/04/2008 15:18

I am probably going to offer crap advice as I have never ever been in the situation.

I think you should as it will put your mind at rest and it is obviously something you that you are keen on doing/need to do. There is no other way of finding out whether your birth mother would like to be contacted or not. I would brace myself for the reply though as it could be "I don't want to ever hear from you again" or she could ignore you or she could be happy to be contacted.

Good luck with your decision though. Being a mum, I can't help but thinking you would always wonder what happened to your kid, but may be I am just an old romantic

jofeb04 · 28/04/2008 15:26

Thanks needahand,
Just trying to gain some valuable advice on the best way to go about it tbh.

still not too sure.

fiodyl · 28/04/2008 15:46

Id do it. Do you know anything about the circumstances of your adoption? Chances are your mum had no choice but to 'give you up' and has been longing for the day she gets you back.

needahand · 28/04/2008 15:48

I really wish you the very best of luck jofeb. It is not an easy decision. I think if it were me and I didn't try to contact her I would always think what if and have a "void". At least if you know you can move forward one way or another (even if the reply was painful) IYSWIM.

I am sure people with more experience of this type of situation and the sensitivities involved will come along.

booge · 28/04/2008 15:53

DH is adopted and went through SS. I think it is for the best if they write. It turned out DH's birth mother had had other children and didn't want to tell them about him or for anything to change her current life. Through SS they exchanged photos and medical histories but now it has been left. SS are there to take the pressure off both parties. Do hassle them to get a move on though.

jofeb04 · 28/04/2008 16:02

I know quite a bit about my bm. She was 16, had an affair ( ) . Married man went back to his wife.

Just been looking on facebook and friends reunited etc.

Feels like a stalker now but....

There is a man on there, who is connected to her (same birth date and area in which they were born). That same name is on facebook, and even though bm is not on there, he is also connected to a brother on there.

I know she had two brothers, and a sister.

Maybe I am just hoping hey.

belcantavinissima · 28/04/2008 17:49

i'm sorry, i've not read the whole thread but.....

i HAVE been in this situation, exactly the same. i wrote her a letter. she didnt reply. after 2 weeks i sent her another letter. i got a very nasty one back. was the first time in my life that i had felt unwanted, abandoned etc
its up to you of course but speaking as someone who has been there done that i think you should leave it up to social services to make the first move. i wished i'd done that as perhaps the outcome might have been different.
good luck with whatever you devide to do

blithedance · 29/04/2008 14:28

Having read belcanta's post, I would definitely suggest you go through social services and do hassle them to get on and write if you need to. That way they will be there to support each of you if needed. If it is a "happy reunion" it won't make it any worse, if there is any difficulty then you have backup in place.

Could you write a letter and ask SS to forward it/offer it?

dizzydixies · 29/04/2008 14:34

is there not a counselling thing inbetween?

I know if you want to do this in Scotland it can be done through birthlink if there is something similar where you are?

KristinaM · 29/04/2008 14:38

belcantavinissima - I'm sorry that you had such a painful experinece. pleased don't blame yourself though - what your Bm wrote is about her and her unresolved feelings and NOt about you or the way you contacted her. the outcome would have probably been the same if you had gone through SS, though they woudl have perhaps cushioned the blow a bit and they shoudl have supported you

as you have discovered, sometimes the fantasy bm is easier to deal with than the reality

if your bm wasnt able to handle contact at this point in her life then a letter from ss rather than from you would not have changed this

however, i would agree with your advice to nottoosure to use some sort of intermediary

KristinaM · 29/04/2008 14:42

blithe - the initial letter they write is very vague and non comittal.

jofeb04 · 29/04/2008 15:02

Sorry to hear that Belca. Given me things to think of though.

belcantavinissima · 29/04/2008 15:29

the only positive thing i can say is i have also found 2 brothers (and i grew up as an only child). one of whom i have only met twice but the other one i am very close to and we are very similar- there is only 18 mths between each of us. i have also discovered we have a half sister whom our bm had after we were all adopted and she was married. i have more than an inkling that her nasty letter was a way of just getting rid of me as i dont imagine her husband or daughter knew anything about the children she gave up. i guess in a way it would be a tricky thing to tell a prospective partner and at what point would you tell someone that you had had and given away not only one but three babies! i think i can kind of understand it. feel a bit tho that she has made the decision once again. icould make her life v difficult. but of course i am not going to. i even have driven past her house (only 40 miles away). i am not sure if i will ever rest easy now tbh despite the fact i was def not looking for a replacement mother figure as i had had a supremely happy adoption.
but i will never truly know the full extent of why i was adopted and the details surrounding my conception as the fathers details are fairly vague lol! but i suppose it also could be she was a victim of sexual assault and thats what i remind her of .
to this day apparently only one person knew I existed, her mother. her pg with me was concealed and her m only discovered she had had a baby when she bumped into her in hospital with a newborn
sorry for wittering, this is not my thread. i must get over myself

RTKangaMummy · 29/04/2008 15:34

I did it with BM thru NORCAP and with my BD who is in Australia as he is well known so i googled him and had his old address from BM.

I have met them both and I went to Dr this morning and he asked me about family history and so I could tell him

My advice is that if they are in UK go to NORCAP they are deffo brill and will really help you

Good luck

readyfornum2 · 30/04/2008 10:50

I contacted my birth mum a couple of weeks ago and we are meeting up on saturday for the first time!
I didnt go through ss or an agency I found her through marriage records and the electoral role and wrote to her and it has gone from there.
I did know that she hadnt wanted to give me up but was made to so that helped. It turns out she has always wanted to be in contact and so we are getting on well.

Obviously I dont know about your situation but you are the only one who can decide what to do but you do need to prepare yourself for it not to turn out how you want and maybe some counselling would be a good idea.

I hope that you can make a decision that is right for you and it turns out how you hope x x

belcantavinissima · 30/04/2008 12:26

wow ready! thats really exciting! hope it all goes well for you. will you come back and let us know all the details?

Margoletta · 30/04/2008 13:02

My SIL gave up her first child at 16 under enormous family pressure.
I do not think there is a day goes by when she does not think of him. She will always regret her decision, and it hurts her deeply even now, 20 years later.
She is desperate to hear from him- whatever he wants from her- just to know he is well, had a good childhood, is getting on with his life.
Just so she could tell him she does love him.

belcantavinissima · 30/04/2008 14:24

thats all exactly the opposite of what my bloody bm had to say to me

Margoletta · 30/04/2008 14:55

I'm so sorry belcanto. Unfortunately, adopted or not, we are not always treated as we should be by our parents/carers. All we can do is try to do our best for our own children.

jofeb04 · 30/04/2008 15:31

Just to let you know, after much thinking, I am awaiting on SS to write their letter. Think I need the support if she doesn't want to know me.

Kewcumber · 30/04/2008 15:57

bel - thats the reason why adoptive parents are advised not to tell their children "your birth mother loved you very much and wanted a better life for you" unless you absolutely know that to bne true becuase it often isn;t true and above all any adopted child deserved as much truth as is available without being adulterated by what we, adoptive parents, wish were the case.

Good luck JOb

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