I'm adopted, thinking of writing a letter to birth mum

[nottoosureonthisidea]

What do you think of this. Searched through Social Services, but they are taken absolutly ages with writing a letter. Not 100percent sure if this is the right address, but though it is worth a try.

If you give your dc up for adoption, would you be happy with recieving a letter like this?

Please help

Hi jusr thought I would let those who wanted to know that I met up with my BM today and it was fantastic we got on really well and there was no awkward silences at all!
She has been very honest about my adoption and the circumstances and while I knew some of it she has filled in the gaps.

We are going to meet again soon and I cant wait! I am so glad I made the decision to trace and cant believe how well it has turned out

I just hope that anyone who is considering tracing makes the right decision for them and that they find what they are looking for x

Thats great news, I'm so pleased for you!

I know you are keen to meet again but please remember to take it slowly and allow yourself time and space to process all the feelings that will come up. It will take a while for you both to work out what place each of you will have in the others life and often people dont agree on what they want.

you also need space to think about how best to involve others close to you, like partners, children & parents

I know that you didn't use an agency, and so I'm wondering what professional support you have in this...are you going for counselling ??

BTW I ask this as someone who has been there, got the t shirt etc. Like you i searched on my own - I didnt even know that support existed . Once i had met my BM I realised that I needed to talk to someone outside my family who understood the issues

To anyone who is adopted and is either searching, or has searched, or has no intention of seaching but who have a desire to reconcile their adopted selves I can thouroughly recommend a couple of books:

The Primal Wound: Understanding the Adopted Child by Nancy Verrier

and

Journey of the Adopted Self: A Search for Wholeness by Betty Jean Lifton

I would also urge any prospective adoptive parents to read them, they both give a valuable insight into how it feels to be adopted. An uncomfortable read for some i'm sure, but important and worthwhile in my opinion.

I was a little dismayed at the poster who stated she was an adoptive mother, and asked the OP if she had considered her adoptive mothers feelings. This is a terribly unhelpful POV, for the adoptive child. If you are big hearted enough to take in someone elses child to love as your own then you must not make that child feel bad or inadequate for wishing to know about its genetic heritage.

Thanks god for more enlightened times and for open adoption.

I'd like to add my encouragement to you to go via an intermediary, like SS or NORCAP, both of whom I found very helpful. It takes time to find and understand your emotions, so don't rush too much. The book 'The Primal Wound' helped me understand a lot of how I felt about myself and where it came from. My mother is the woman who brought me up, who poured her time and energy into me day and night, for many years. We get on ok, but share no genetics so are not best friends like some mothers-daughters because we are very different. My genetic mother is a new friend I have found as an adult, with whom I can be honest because she understands some things because we share genes. She cannot replace the mother who brought me up. I hope this isn't too confused....

InspectorGadget - "Thanks god for more enlightened times and for open adoption" Amen to that. Sadly my Ds's is not an open adoption and there is no way of tracing his brith parents. Before he came into my life I thought this was a much better thing for all concerned. Now that I am his mother it makes me very sad to know that he is unlikely to ever know more about his birth parents.

Whatever my pain would be if he were able to make contact, its a different (and less relevant) issue to his need to investigate his roots.

Hopefully most adotpive parents these day are suffficiently well prepared to understand that this issue will need to be dealt with.

MTM - "We get on ok, but share no genetics so are not best friends like some mothers-daughters because we are very different" - I have no idea whether you're correct in your case (about it being genetics) but I can assure you that genetics is no guarantee of similarity or friendship! My mum is probably one of my best friends, my sister is completely different to either of us and though we are all close and love each other, she has very little in common with my mum and couldn't in a million years be described as my mums "friend".

Many, many people mum's are just their mum and not their friend.