Where does trauma come from?

[Nadie0212]

New prospective parent here.
We have been cleared for Registration of Interest.
Apologies if I'm asking something silly.

Adoptive children come with their little luggage of problems in the form of trauma (I'm guessing), this trauma and the problems that it generates come from the bad experience with the biological parents? or comes from the Foster system? or both? Is it 60% 40%? is it 70% 30%?

Our DD never lived with biological parents,her trauma comes from being moved to us, completely new parents after living nearly 2 years with foster mum who was amazing.shes really really affected by this trauma.our transitions took over a month but she is still terrified alot of the time.sarah naish writes beautifully about it comparing new adults to spiders.

We had our adoption information session a few months ago and they briefly went over a lot of adoption stuff, including trauma. Basically said that it can start in the womb.
So for those children who are born but never spend time with their biological parents, there is trauma from that. Those that did spend time with their biological families will have trauma from experiences there. When children are moved to foster families etc there’s trauma.
And it’s worth remembering that the reaction to the trauma may not come out until years later, so you actually don’t fully know the level of trauma.
It’s not meant to be scary, just really worth knowing that any adoptive child will have some level of trauma to deal with at some point.

@Nadie0212 On initial reading, your post offended me. I know that was not your intention but I would like to explain. I am not a professional just a normal adoptive parent who lives with a traumatised child.

trauma is a mental health condition. It’s not something a child has and the analogy of the luggage isn’t helpful for many. (I think it comes from Sally Donovan and how trauma presented in her child, similar to what @Row23 was saying in that it can manifest itself later. Sally Donovan actually describes it as being ever present and something that influenced all her decisions throughout parenting.) anyway, I shall describe why it isn’t helpful.

trauma is used in everyday language without consideration to what it is and how it impacts people (think how depressed is often used flippantly to describe a mild unhappiness or ocd for neatness without considering how people with ocd experience panic attacks and can self harm through excessive rituals eg cleaning hands to the point of skin breaking). Anyway, I digress.

My son has developmental trauma (in a way you’d describe someone having diabetes and not brown eyes). This means his brain hasn’t formed in the way that is typical due to the impact of trauma. What is trauma? Trauma is an event or events which impacts on how you think and experience things. It can be one off (like a dog bite leading to a fear of dogs) or repeated (domestic abuse leading to low self esteem). It’s the long term impact which defines it and differentiates it from experience. Trauma affects everyone so uniquely but I will describe it loosely and relate it to adoption.

In utero, while a child’s brain is forming, the mother experiences stress. This leads to higher levels of cortisol being present and impacts how the brain is formed. After birth, the child’s needs are not met and they experience the world as a cold, unsafe place. They are removed from birth parents and the attachment is broken. Everything familiar and predictable is gone. This creates further trauma as the child has to learn how to protect themselves. Through this and all experiences, the amygdala is activated at a much higher rate. They are unable to develop higher order thinking at this time. Over the passage of time, they fall further behind in development. Depending on how many times a child is moved and what early experiences they are exposed to will impact on how much this the amygdala is activated and therefore development is affected. However, children can develop other skills at an impressive rate eg can spot things others can’t (due to hyper vigilance), social skills (to get people to like them so they won’t hurt them) etc.

what can this mean for the child (remember it is unique depending on experience). Hyper vigilance, anxiety, stress. They are unable to access learning st school, sleep at night, find people unpredictable and fear them. They are disconnected from their body. Unable to identify bodily functions eg hunger or pain. Sensory processing disorder is very common with developmental trauma.

as @Row23 says, it may resurface later. this can be due to decompartmentalising the trauma, masking, working so hard to comply to social norms due to fear and leads to burn out so the trauma becomes evident.

what does that mean for a prospective parent? Commitment to parent in a completely different way. Read up as much as you can about trauma (I’d recommend Beacon House as a starting point, Bruce Perry, Sarah Naish and any other more academic books). Spend time speaking to those who live with people with trauma. Read this forum. Almost all the difficulties from parenting a child with trauma is because of how they view and understand the world around (eg the year 2 thread at the moment. The schools are not trauma aware and don’t understand the impact on the child and families which you can see is huge leading to real challenges for the parents. They are dismissed as parents who just want their kid to be in the class with their best friend and not understanding that the child will be feeling unsafe, overwhelmed, lost another attachment etc).

as you can see, I am very passionate about trauma and my wish for the world is that we become more trauma aware. We can all be impacted by trauma at any age and for many reasons and yet many people don’t understand trauma. Hopefully, this has helped you understand a little about this word.

My AC didn't ever suffer any neglect or abuse but their birth mother was very likely experiencing domestic violence while pregnant. AC was born early, stayed in hospital 2 months during which time they will have had a challenging start to life, multiple carers no lazing on the sofa breast feeding with their mum. I'm not sure how much physical touch/comfort they had at this time. Certainly the environment would have been unpleasant I would have thought.

Then to foster carers with some contact with birth parents until they came to me.
Possible ASD, but this could be trauma, definitely has multiple areas of development delay, again likely from trauma, yet they have never had a day where they weren't cared for to a very high standard by professionals (until they came to me).

I'm a hot mess (literally - menopause!) but I guess I'm the most authentic experience AC has had of having a mum since her birth so AC is now finally starting to make some small development steps. I can see it's a life-long challenge to overcome what has happened in that most informative period of their lives. You can't have a do-over, you have to try and make amends through a million actions over the next decades.
Hoping for their sake it can be done, but I won't know for a long time if what I'm doing is enough.

My son came to me at 13m after having had a comparatively "stable" foster care situation. He was removed at birth and lived with them until he was adopted by us with minimal contact with birth family. However to echo others, developmental trauma has been a constant backdrop of his life. I believe this to be a combination of the in utero trauma he experienced during a distressing pregnancy, the formative trauma he would have experienced being separated from his birth family, then later another separation from his foster family. On top of this, the number of adults he has had coning in and out of his life, the self esteem impact of knowing he is different and the way his brain has developed which has resulted in longstanding impact on his behavior and cognition. I have also heard it said that many adopted children experience trauma symptoms akin to PTSD and certainly in my own experience I can attest to this.

Once you are further into the adoption journey you will do lots of research training and have support to understand this better. One of the many misconceptions people have (and I think in part it is understandable) is that those removed at birth would not have experienced significant trauma. In fact trauma can be inherent in a child's being even from the moment they were born given certain conditions. It's a very complex area and one I knew less about until I adopted. Truthfully it was some years into his adoption before the full effects became more obvious.

Some great advice here. Also look at generational trauma x

New born babies seperated from their mothers suffer immense trauma. It changes their brain. The baby knows it's mother. A baby relies on it's mother for survival. Pre verbal trauma is very real. Babies aren't blank slates as previously and unfortunately for many still think, as one poster on here seems to indicate. As one poster said it's very complex.

As a perspective adopter it would be really good for you to develop your understanding of trauma because you're coming across as very black and white in your writing. You cannot section trauma into percentages or be as blaise about it to describe developmental trauma as a 'little luggage of problems'. That is very dismissive of the huge problems looked after children will more than likely have.

I would recommend reading the body keeps the score and the primal wound to garner a better understanding of trauma.

I am an adoptee. Become trauma informed and use that to inform your parenting.

A lot of the time it starts in the womb either drink drugs or some kind of addiction, physical trauma. Babies aren’t immune to trauma as it’s these early days they need their trusted parents for loved, nurture, nutrition and development. As they get all these things a baby’s brain grows in a healthy way and development is gained as they go along but if they don’t get these things from their birth parents from the start the brain will not grow as is supposed to. This can lead to development/processing delays as they grow through life leaving them struggling with things like anxiety, worries, disabilities. If an older child is being adopted, they’ve already gone through all this, probably been passed from pillar to post from different foster homes and the added point of them being ‘removed’ from their trusted care giver and then again and again. All these elements is why we go through adoption training so we can give our children the start or life they never had

My two are siblings, only a year separates them. However, their experiences of early life were very different and their trauma presents in different ways. My eldest had ok parenting for the first year, then when his sister arrived things started to fall apart. Life was chaotic and there were many dangerous, unpredictable people in and out of the family home. My youngest was left to cry in her cot - her basic needs were not met, so her responses and survival strategies changed.

As a consequence my eldest is hyper vigilant, aware of anything around him that happens, aware of people's moods, will make himself as small as possible to fly under the radar. Unless he is given individual attention at school and really noticed, he won't fulfil his potential, because flying under the radar, and not being noticed (either positively or negatively) is a safety position for him. I think his hyper vigilance has created a memory that I describe as photographic, he remembers everything at a glance - which is useful when it comes to revision or remembering where things are or what was what - but it must be a thoroughly exhausting way to live.

I (mum) had a lot of issues bonding with my youngest, she rejected me on every level for the first year, she tried to push me away, she thought I was going to leave anyway, so she may as well be the one to do it. Six years in, we have a lovely relationship, she's clever, funny and loving. However, she's absolutely mesmerising, she's learnt to read people incredibly well, find their triggers and she can wrap anyone around her little finger - before you know it you've agreed to something she's requested, she can be quite controlling, very clingy and she needs lots of reassurance.

On the face of it, she is incredibly independent, needs me to check on her a lot, needs me to tell her I will check often on her. When she starts to get to know and like someone, she starts to wobble - the fear of losing them/of them going away is so great to her. This usually happens with teachers about 3 months in. If they leave the classroom 'where are you going', 'when will you be back', 'can I come with you'? She often asks the same question several different ways to make sure you are being truthful. Friendships are currently a bit tricky, because her friends are currently going through the whole BFF, being quite possessive over friendships and the classic 'I'm not your friend anymore', which is totally normal phase, but is rocking my little girl's world.

My kids are doing really well, and all of the above is pretty subtle unless you know them well, but it's all there, even if they can't remember their life before, it's all very much still there and they present these reactions/survival strategies in response.

It's no 'little luggage of problems'- it's a way of life. Life revolves around parenting differently, going to therapy, unexpected diagnoses and medication. For us, we took on a 'healthy baby', who came with trauma, natch. But has also been given a bingo card of diagnoses we never expected. That can happen with birth children, but it's less likely, and with trauma running through, overshadowing, and adding challenges, it makes it harder.

The trauma comes from everything, it touches everything, it'll take everything you've got... But it's worth it.

What they said ^

Instead of thinking of trauma as luggage, it is (I think) more a combination of how the brain develops when a child is suffering trauma, neglect, removal from birth family (even if that removal is warranted), and potentially any issues with foster family etc. although our experience with foster family was that they were amazing.

So each family and child will be different.

I thin kit can sometimes create a blue print in the child, which can be changed but in times of stress they can go back to their blueprint.

Some trauma may happen before birth, and be due to exposure to drugs in vitro. It is very complex.

This video is helpful in thinking about how those early traumas might influence a child later, and how to help the child. The Window Of Tolerance (edited version of our original 2018 video)

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I'm an adoptee and have found this explanations of trauma so helpful. PP mentioned hyper vigilance, being hyper aware of everyone's mood and being intensively sociable so that other people can't hurt them. That rings absolutely true for me. I hadn't joined the dots before.

I’d be really interested in your experiences of this when/if you are able to talk more about it, it would deserve a thread of its own. Hyper vigilance is a big part of my son’s life experience and of who he is. It is extremely powerful - it can totally discombobulate him with too much stimulus - noise, lights, colours, people, movement; or if harnessed - it can make him fly through tests and enables him a photographic memory. He’s a people pleaser, because his aim is to read people and keep them calm, he gets stressed over what people think, but also hides his light under a bushel because he just doesn’t want attention or give anyone room to be angry. He’s extremely intelligent, but overall his HV must be just exhausting. One thing it has given him though is empathy, by the age of three he was already displaying a huge understanding of empathy, which I don’t think usually comes until much later. He’s such a lovely boy, but he takes the weight of the world on his shoulders and he’s only 9.

@Whatthechicken I don't think I'll start a new thread but happy to divulge! I was adopted in the 70s. I'm not sure who has it worse: my generation of adoptees who came away with no info, support or the forum to even discuss being adopted or the adoptees that followed: who were often removed from terrible situations rather than given up but have been able to grow up (hopefully) with parents that understand attachment disorders. The similarities and differences in neurological make up would make an interesting study,

I've never been assessed for anything but I would say the following differences could down to being adopted. I'm older now so much more secure with robust mental health these days:

No trauma response: I work in a very tough job that involves safeguarding children with SEMH. I see, hear and experience things every day that would turn a lot of peoples hair grey. I'm calm, measured and don't really process it. This makes me good at my job I think.

Highly resilient.
Addictive personality. Historically food, alcohol ...
Very astute at reading people: I notice everything.
Very poor executive functioning as a child. It's got a lot better.
Overly empathic. Not in that annoying way when people gush 'I'm such an empath!' I absorb other people's sadness and read their moods and worry when people aren't happy. Even as a small child.
Try way too hard to make sure everyone is happy.
Feel easily suffocated. Cannot stand it when people get intense or emotional towards me (I'm fine if it's not about me!)
Sensory needs: hated being hugged/held as a child and apparently never cried or expressed emotion.
Only became a crier after having kids of my own.
Constant worry that I'll end up homeless and on the street and always planning a safety net which is totally irrational!!
Hate committing to anything long term.
Hypervigilant: Distracted by anything extraneous to what I'm actually doing: noise, colours, people.

Lots of contradictions there I know!

@Whatthechicken your little boy sounds lovely. I hope he has a happy life. I can also relate to what you say about his hating attention...unless it's on my terms!

Izzy thank you for that post, I think really helpful to me with my own hypervigilent daughter. That's written so well thankyou. I think us adoptive parents have a lot to learn from experiences told, thankyou.

@tonyhawks23 it's a pleasure! It's quite therapeutic actually. I hadn't really given it much thought until reading this. One thing I was thinking about though as I came away from writing this, is the danger of medicalising adoption too much and seeing adoptees solely through the trauma lens. I once worked with an adoptee whose father was way too intense in his responses to what was standard teenage twatty behaviour and it made me worried for her. I'd have hated this as much as I hated growing up with people who had no clue about adoption. It's one thing to understand your child's trauma but it's important to see the child as more than this and that they will continue developing and growing through different life experiences too in a way that may transcend/add to their adoption story.

Yes I totally get that - as an adoptive parent for me its always a massive worry/guilt mix of questioning the reason for certain behaviours and overthinking it so much its a wirlwind - you so want to do right but definitely not easy to get it right. Its helpful to hear your side, really is.

Gosh, this is really quite interesting. Everything you have written there is my son! The contradictions make so much sense. The executive function bit is spot on too. My son also hates cuddles, hates compliments 0- unless he absolutely believes them - it means I have to be totally honest with him, because he can spot a lie or sympathy lie a mile off.

I recently kicked off with school because they were doing a maths test on an app. Now my son loves computers and he's brilliant with them, but the noise, the time count down, the online colours etc. made him unable to complete the test appropriately (he panicked so he guessed). So I worked with his photographic memory and got a few concessions from school (completing the test in a room on his own, allowing him to wear ear plugs, and allowing a pause between questions), he ended up with full marks. But, if I'd not have spotted the trouble he'd have with this test and get the concessions and wasn't able to coach him - he would have come out of the test with few marks, which would have totally dented any confidence he has.

I'm trying to do the best and educate his teachers as best as I can. I make sure I go in to meet every new teacher and explain a few of his quirks to them, but his last teacher didn't take any notice. I said, If he's not on your radar, he's struggling. Then his Nanna died, and she said to me: "if you hadn't have told me, I wouldn't have thought there was anything wrong', - it really was 'a bang your head against a wall moment'.

Thank you so much for your insights and knowledge on this, it really is invaluable. You may not be up for this, but I know orgs like Adoption UK would really value your input...you've given me an amazing insight into my son tonight. Thank you

it sounds like you've done amazing in your life, allow yourself to be proud and accept the compliment. thank you again xx

And you are so right about just viewing our kids through the trauma lens, my kids are doing really well atm, but when things are tough I do reach for the adoption/trauma reasons first. Thanks for the reminder .

Schools are notoriously poorly informed about both LAC and PLAC children. I believe that LAC/PLAC should automatically go on the SEND register as it is an additional need that requires a different approach. Parents of adoptees are seen by some teachers/ed psychs as pushy. Erm...of course they are!

I've thought of a few more things; inability to sleep, even as a baby.
I'm very self protective and have a history of rejecting others before they reject me.
Hated birthdays with a passion. You'll know that one already I hope!

It's interesting as they say 30% of adoptees have adhd but early trauma/adhd traits are so similar.

Absolutely, I am my school’s biggest cheer leader ….until they ignore my children (often not on purpose, more about budgets and ignorance), but I am so determined that they get a fair shot).

my daughter struggles with sleep, she is also concerned with house security, if doors aren’t locked, if her dad’s out, if I leave the house again (e.g. to put chickens to bed), people that leave and when they will be back, she pushes people away- to see if they will come back. And if they don’t - well at least she made that decision. She tests friendships and relationships with teachers with a push/pull strategy.. after about 3 months, she can trust a teacher. But, that’s when the anxiety starts. She will ask them ‘why are you leaving?’, ‘when will you be back?’ - it’s important to note that she was left as a baby to cry - nobody came. She is fiercely independent on the face of it, but dig a bit deeper and she is frightened:

As mum, she rejected me for close to 2 years,. She will appear as really independent though, but deep down she’s scared she will be rejected. Very different to my son, but anxiety over acceptance and stability remains. She is my shadow now, I’ve clearly proved to her I’m reliable and here for the duration. She is exhausting, but thoroughly amazing….I’m so proud of both of them.

@Whatthechicken I was always the same as a child and rejected my parents all the way through. But they were very different in their parenting style. They really need to study adoptees from the days when parents didn't need to jump through hoops to adopt. You sound like you're being the mum they really need!

Adopted children may experience trauma due to a variety of factors, including:

~being separated from the biological family. Even at birth, this can create feelings of abandonment, grief, and confusion.

~prenatal trauma, being exposed to the birth mother's stress hormones, substance abuse of the birth mother, or lack of prenatal care during pregnancy may impact a child's development and emotional well-being.

~Experiencing neglect, abuse, emotional maltreatment, or lack of proper care in early life can lead to attachment and trust issues.

~Being cared for by various caregivers/foster carers, disrupts stability and may prevent the formation of secure attachments.

~ Institutionalisation often includes limited one-on-one interaction, neglect, or inconsistent caregiving.

~Transracial or international adoptions may cause a loss of cultural heritage or identity, leading to feelings of isolation or identity confusion.

~Experiencing adoption-related stigma can affect self-esteem and emotional health.

~A traumatic or abrupt transition from one family to another may cause stress and fear.

~Curiosity or confusion about biological family and history can create emotional tension or a sense of incompleteness.

~A family history of mental health challenges or trauma may predispose the child to psychological difficulties.