Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

We have found out (informally) our son's birth father has died

36 replies

Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2023 16:10

Hi all.

Need some advice from anyone who has been through this, or something similar, please.

We have found out (informally) our son's birth father has died.

Do we tell him, or wait until after Christmas. Do we get in touch with social services and tell them we have found out (via social media).

Any advice, welcome.

OP posts:
HedgehogB · 07/12/2023 16:14

You absolutely have to tell him even though the timing is very unfortunate. If he finds out when he is older that you delayed, this could sadly cause huge problems and anger. Get advice from Winston’s Wish charity or Child Bereavement UK on what to do. Sorry this is happening to you.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 07/12/2023 16:15

Would your DS go to the funeral (if very recent)?
If not I would suggest waiting until new year maybe?
I would also make sure you are 100% sure (though I guess you are).

We always delay important news / letters until a suitable time.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 07/12/2023 16:21

There we go, 2 completely contradictory responses for you to choose from!

I do think it depends s much on things like
. age your DS is now (a teen I think?)
. how likely he is to be thrown by the news, and impact on Christmas / school
. whether he will find out himself if you don't tell him quickly
. whether he would go to funeral if that hasn't happened

HedgehogB · 07/12/2023 16:26

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 07/12/2023 16:15

Would your DS go to the funeral (if very recent)?
If not I would suggest waiting until new year maybe?
I would also make sure you are 100% sure (though I guess you are).

We always delay important news / letters until a suitable time.

A parental death, announced 3, 4 weeks later? Absolutely not sure that’s advisable . I have experience of this, you can’t hide something as life changing as that although I totally understand why a parent would think it was best around Christmas time. Its horrific , but delaying the truth - I see huge resentment down the line . The child will eventually find out that they have been lied to and might never forgive the adults in question , however well meaning. I think OP needs to ask WW or CB Uk for more guidance though - they have huge experience of this and they have helplines and chat functions on their websites . They will advise when, and how, to do it . Two amazing charities.

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 07/12/2023 16:30

@HedgehogB Just checking, you do realise this is the Adoption board?

My DC wouldn't be too upset if their BF died as one has no memories and other has strong negative feelings, neither have had contact in 15 years.

HedgehogB · 07/12/2023 16:31

UnderTheNameOfSanders · 07/12/2023 16:21

There we go, 2 completely contradictory responses for you to choose from!

I do think it depends s much on things like
. age your DS is now (a teen I think?)
. how likely he is to be thrown by the news, and impact on Christmas / school
. whether he will find out himself if you don't tell him quickly
. whether he would go to funeral if that hasn't happened

Agree that a very young child eg under 5, you could delay. But not an older child . Like I say, those with the most experience can help and I know a family who were helped by WW at Christmas two years ago. The kids were 12 and 15 at the time. Dad suddenly died a few days before Christmas.

HedgehogB · 07/12/2023 16:37

Yes. Situation I’m referring to is adopted siblings. But complicated I know , hence advising help from WW or CB Uk. What I’m really saying is - don’t take my advice , or from here (as much) , take theirs as they deal with every possible complexity in family relationships. Eg death of parents who may have precipitated their own death through drugs, for example. (SS I would say is a given and may well recommend these organisations too) A horrible situation for all.

LeoLeo2 · 07/12/2023 17:50

I think it depends on how recent the death is.

We had similar news - but by the time we found out, the birth parent had been dead for over a year. I delayed telling my children, only by a week or so I think, because I wanted to find out as much information about when/why/how before I spoke to them.

If you are saying you have heard unofficially, then maybe you need to also find out these details before you are even able to say anything.

Catleveltired · 07/12/2023 22:56

I would wait. Iirc he's a teen, it's the run up to Christmas which is difficult for adopted children generally, and he needs space and quiet time to process what are likely complex feelings. Plus, if it triggers a need for more intense life story work, you're not going to get any of that until well into the new year now, and he might need that.

He might be angry. But I think waiting will help with that anger. You're not keeping it from him forever, or out of malice, but out of love to time when he finds out. It may also give you time to contact social services first.

You may also need time to process your own feelings first, and that's necessary.

I'm sorry for your son's loss. And losses are so much more complex when there is trauma.

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2023 23:27

Thanks Sanders

I do think it depends s much on things like
. age your DS is now (a teen I think?) yes, a teen
. how likely he is to be thrown by the news, and impact on Christmas / school I don't know to be sure.
. whether he will find out himself if you don't tell him quickly not likely
. whether he would go to funeral if that hasn't happened it has almost certainly happened, not sure how long ago.

OP posts:
Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2023 23:32

HedgehogB thank you, it is frustrating we have not have any official news of this. I know what you mean but I also worry about him at the moment due to mental health issues at moment.

LeoLeo2 thank you, we really do not know how recent it is.

Thanks all, I will definitely get advice.

OP posts:
Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 07/12/2023 23:33

Catleveltired Thank you. I feared this might happen. I tried to facilitate him meeting them in th epast but social services were not very cooperative and felt he was too young.

OP posts:
BrontëParsonage · 08/12/2023 08:10

@Italiangreyhound yes, my adoptive family has been in this situation. My DD1’s birth father died in very unfortunate and high profile circumstances in prison a number of years ago. Like you, I found out about the death via social media and once I had confirmed the news with a campaign group (INQUEST) which keeps a record of all who die in prison, I alerted children’s services so that the information could be shared with the guardians etc of DD’s numerous full and half-siblings (we have never had any direct or indirect contact). I have never been updated on whether this information was shared and I imagine that it is a data protection nightmare. But I felt that I had done my duty.

With regards to telling your child, honestly, I think the best advice you have had here is to take time to process your own feelings about the death first. It’s so complicated as you are very possibly feeling bereaved for someone you didn’t know and who may have been something of a bogey figure to you? I remember feeling angry at the death of my DD’s BF, mainly, I think, because it was yet another injustice for her and because she had potentially been robbed of her future opportunity to make contact, if that was her wish. Also, on a practical level, Christmas can be so loaded for our children, so I personally wouldn’t add any more toxicity or distress to the mix by sharing such complex news around this time.

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2023 10:06

BrontëParsonage thank you so much. Your advice is very helpful.

I had always wanted my son to have a chance to meet both birth parents again so I do feel sad on his behalf. Just like you it feels unfair for him.

OP posts:
BrontëParsonage · 08/12/2023 10:38

Italiangreyhound · 08/12/2023 10:06

BrontëParsonage thank you so much. Your advice is very helpful.

I had always wanted my son to have a chance to meet both birth parents again so I do feel sad on his behalf. Just like you it feels unfair for him.

@Italiangreyhound yes, I understand totally as it’s yet another loss for your DS - even if he doesn’t know yet. Also, be prepared for the people around you not to ‘get it’ and be bewildered by your upset or even worse, vocalise their happiness that the BP is dead because they will no longer pose a threat to the stability of your adoptive family. It’s a very complex bereavement. Take care of yourself as you process this sad news and work through your own emotions first.

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 09/12/2023 14:45

Thank you so much.

We are telling him tonight. The death was many many months ago but we are still not completely sure what he died of. We will just be honest with our son about what we know and do not know.

In a tiny way it feels like he may have a better chance to reconnect with birth mum one day now.

I just keep looking of photos of this adorable child and thinking how they could not look after him and that is not his fault.

OP posts:
user1471464167 · 09/12/2023 16:17

Our younger 2 sons birth mother died a few days before Christmas. They were mid teens Their half sister phoned to let us know and we decided they needed to be with her ( she had lived with them until they were 4 and 6) . So my husband took them 100 miles by train and met up with her and for the first time an older half brother who had been brought up within the extended family. I stayed at home with our older sons. Seeing their sister helped them as they could share some menories. We then decided to take them to the funeral. We sat at the back and their birth mothers four children walked behind her coffin. We went back to the wake .after that our sons were keen to meet their birth faither in case he died before they were 18. We facilitated this with the post adoption social worker.and they met up with him 2/3 times a year supervised til our youngest turned 18. They carried on seeing him a couple of times a year until his death a few years ago. It was the right decision for them they could play pool,talk about football and learn more about his life and hobbies before his addictions took over. I have lit a candle for you all and will be thinking of you as you spend time talking with your son

Ted27 · 09/12/2023 20:51

@Italiangreyhound

Hope you are all OK. I think we all dread this, you can only give the information you have.

Maybe social services will be able to find out more information.

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 09/12/2023 21:12

@BrontëParsonage thank you for your kind words.

Our son's birth parents have never been a threat to us or him, except in that they could not look after him. It does make me feel sad this is one more thing on his plate.

@user1471464167 thank you, I am so glad you were able to work things so well in such hard circumstances.

The funeral was many, many months ago.

I would like facilitate my son seeing his birth mum if I can. But he is not in a good place generally.

@Ted27 thank you. We have asked for more info but I think we will actually be telling social services about things they don't know about!

OP posts:
Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2023 16:45

We have told him and he got quite upset and cried.

He let me give him a big hug and he rubbed my arm and I cried too.

Trying to find an extra session for his counsellor.

We will print off photos of birth family and add to the book we have.

Any other suggestions of how to mark this, please do let me know.

OP posts:
BrontëParsonage · 10/12/2023 17:32

Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2023 16:45

We have told him and he got quite upset and cried.

He let me give him a big hug and he rubbed my arm and I cried too.

Trying to find an extra session for his counsellor.

We will print off photos of birth family and add to the book we have.

Any other suggestions of how to mark this, please do let me know.

@Italiangreyhound you’ve been in my thoughts today. So sorry for your boy and yet another loss. Isn’t it great that he was able to share his sorrow and grief with you?

In terms of your question, could you visit your local church/cathedral to light a candle for BF (I am totally not religious but I would do this)? Also, are you able to screenshot any memoriam messages for BF from social media sites and maybe check the archives of BF’s local newspaper for any death announcements? I will put my thinking cap on and see if I can come up with any more ideas…

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2023 18:13

Thank you so much, @BrontëParsonage

OP posts:
Ted27 · 10/12/2023 18:55

@Italiangreyhound

Sounds like he handled it well. There will be lots of emotions going on for him.
Similar to the candle idea, I've been to a small tree festival at our local church today, there was a prayer tree there, you write a message for someone who is not with you. I've seen lots of these in churches at time of the year, also at lights trails.
The Woodland Trust I think have a scheme where you can sponsor a tree to be planted in someone's name.

Ted27 · 10/12/2023 18:57

@Italiangreyhound

Just a thought, if you apply for a copy of his death certificate there might be some useful information on it

Original poster
Italiangreyhound · 10/12/2023 20:36

Thanks @Ted27 Can anyone apply for a copy of a death certificate?

OP posts: