We have found out (informally) our son's birth father has died

[Italiangreyhound]

Hi all.

Need some advice from anyone who has been through this, or something similar, please.

We have found out (informally) our son's birth father has died.

Do we tell him, or wait until after Christmas. Do we get in touch with social services and tell them we have found out (via social media).

Any advice, welcome.

Yes there is a small fee https://www.gov.uk/order-copy-birth-death-marriage-certificate

Our local church does a 'Light up a life' event each year. People donate a small sum to 'buy' a light on the Christmas tree in remembrance for anyone they want to remember. You can choose to receive a certifcate in memory of the person you have bought a light for. I think our local hospice does similar.

When my children’s birth family member died, it was not Christmas time and we did as Bronte suggested and also wandered outside to the memory wall with plaques on, saying that the person would be marked on one similar in the town where they had died.

For us, there was a very short but intense grieving period that seemed partly led by confusion of not knowing what to feel and partly the shock of feeling sad about a person who had not been good, kind or safe - but was nevertheless a key figure in early life (and somehow complicated more by the realisation it had happened a long time beforehand).

I hope your child is able to keep coming for hugs while he processes what's happened and works out what he feels about it. I also hope it doesn't send him off kilter at a time of year when there are such a lot of extra stresses and pressures already.

@LeoLeo2 thank you so much for your kind words.

@Italiangreyhound please tell me to butt out if you’re getting fed up of my input! But I did have an idea of you perhaps going shopping with your boy to choose a special Christmas tree decoration for him to place upon your tree to commemorate his BF? Once Christmas is over, you can wrap it together very carefully with a wish or message for the BF and birth family?

I'm so sorry to hear this @Italiangreyhound it's so tough especially at this time of year.
I think doing something to mark it in someway is really important. Take care x

Thank you for all suggestions, all very helpful. Bless you all.

I am so sorry! We named a star for my children's foster carer. It is a scam, but we didn't care. I also made them a photo album with pictures of him and them. Do you have pictures of his dad? Or could you find some online? When my children were younger, we decorated glass jars and put LEDs lights in them and left them on a grave of someone special and took pictures at the grave (a bit weird, but it was important). When they were younger and someone died, we worked through "Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine", a children's book with lots of nice ideas for grieving. Maybe there is something similar for teenagers?

@onlytherain what lovely ideas. Thank you

Sorry to hear this, Italian. No words of wisdom but we always used to find this time of year difficult enough without throwing in major life events. I do agree though that making some memorial events for him in some way is important. There's a reason we make funerals ceremonial - it does eally help process and remember. Our local crematorium has some amazing services for remembering those who were important who have died and they generally do one around fathers day.

Have you thought about getting him to write a goodbye/his feelings/pictures etc then burning them and scattering the ashes somewhere he likes? We will be scattering the last of my mothers ashes this Christmas in the Isle of Wight overlooking the sea where I walk the dog.

These ceremonies do help if only a little.

In addition to a physial memorial service, they also have an online page https://mortlakecrematorium.dedicationpage.org/

Thank you kew, he is doing ok.

All good ideas.