Reasons for giving up or reducing work after adoption

[rihanna4]

What are the precise reasons adopters sometimes have to go part-time or give up work altogether? I know it's because their child has special needs, but it would be helpful to know what precisely this involved in practical terms which meant that full time working wasn't feasible. Thanks

Mainly because no one else wants to look after your additional needs kids. For the same reason parents of young children usually need reduced hours- young children need looking after, and adopted kids often need more. More of everything. And they deserve to have their needs met.

Ime, they can't cope with childcare, activities, brownie camp, etc, and those settings can't cope with them either. Coordinating school, medical appointments etc, plus therapies, can be a full time job. "Parenting support" from agencies is often a list of stuff for parents to do, rather than actual support.

Ime, it's like having a pre-schooler level of input for the whole of childhood. And most parents of preschoolers have at least one parent at least part time to manage that.

Plus if you like your kids, it is nice to spend time with them! I like my kids. They're hard work, but they're a hoot!

For me it was endless health appointments, at one point I had 7 different specialities to manage and couldn't have done that along with working full time. I also had to be available for days my DC couldn't cope with school for whatever reason, negotiating with school to get them back in again and ensuring school met their needs - which meant renegotiating with teachers at the start of every school year. They were also quite unpredictable in terms of what they would need a when so having some wiggle room in the working week was helpful, I could change my working days to accommodate their more tricky days.

I also found a huge amount of admin in supporting my DCs needs, which required a lot of headspace.

I also found parenting them needed a lot of thought and emotional energy, adjusting the way we did things to accommodate changing needs, supporting attachment and emotional regulation is demanding, emotional work so having some headspace during the day was essential. I did work part time for a long time and have just moved to a 28 hour post, which is a good balance between my need for more challenging work/developing my career and their needs still for support.

I'm glad I took a big step back in the early years post placement and can see the benefits for my kids now we're 6 years in - they are secure, flexible, stable children who are mostly able to adapt to life. I don't think that would have been the case without me really focussing on them and their needs early on. It also means I've retained my own sanity because I've not been so stretched between work and children. It's nice now to step back in to my career, but I'd step back again if it stopped working and they needed me more.

@rihanna4

for the same reasons any parent does X 10

and as @Catleveltired said
it can be difficult getting childcare, you may have to fight to get an EHCP, referrals, diagnosis, maybe your child is violent, there always seems to be a form to fill in and a review meeting to go to.

the one thing an adopted child really needs is you, your time and attention, so you have to find a balance - working for an income and a bit of sanity, and giving your child what they need.
My son was school age when he arrived. I worked four short days, basically school hours, then three standard days when he went to secondary. I had extremely flexible and supportive managers, it was often difficult to get appointments etc on my non working days so I swapped around quite a bit.
Going through therapy with my son when he was 11 - 13 was the most gruelling thing I have ever done in my life. It nearly finished me off. I needed time without him and without work.
adopted kids just need more of everything.

I chose to stop work when we adopted 2 and 8 year olds.

Although well behaved, they needed the bonding time with me, and the security of home, not to be in after school and holiday clubs.

Yep all of the above,I'm trying to go back to work part time 2 years in but its so hard.think of the logistics of trying to work around endless heath appointments/surgery and unpredictable revovety(need for these picked up post adoption and actually really good for attachment but not compatible with working life).reduced school hours,needing 100 percent attention when at home so school only chance to get any housework etc done.its kind of like having a newborn all the time I gues.when you get a minute to spare it's really needed for catch up/head space so fitting work in is hard. I'm trying as it's a break for me and will enable things we couldn't afford otherwise such as a holiday which I think would be great for attachment,just to have some fun together.the paperwork and admin is also extremely time consuming.

Thanks for all replies.

@tonyhawks23 would you mind sharing what issues and/or needs your child has?

She has alot of needs but the most significant for her is the need to feel safe, you can see her flip when not feeling safe or when tired and its all too much. So trauma related mainly from moving from her foster carer to us. And sorry I see I had a spelling mistake in my post, should be 'recovery'. ie each surgery she has isnt just a few days but the recovery time, a week off school post hospitalization and then a week of unsure if ok to go in/called to collect her early, if you see what I mean. That's not on the trauma but is related to her experience in utero. That time snuggled at home in recovery has been good for our relationship, but wouldnt work round a job. Its like a full time job already I guess, more so Id say as 24/7, I'm in with her in the night.

Everything mentioned above. When they were little, they were relatively easy to care for but were little and therefore needed all my attention and time. Then they became teens and things became difficult.

I am managing roughly 12 professionals (several therapists, psychiatrist, various doctors, social workers, SENCO - that is not even counting their teachers). Applying for EHCPs and other funding, keeping on top of prescription renewals, updating doctors, arranging appointments, dropping off/attending/pick up for 2-3 weekly therapy sessions plus doctors' appointments, being available for (regular) emergencies, supporting them academically in school - all that takes a ton of time. One of them can be alone at home for an hour, one not at all. If I am not doing any of that, I need time to recharge my batteries, calm down and think things through. Both of my children are in mainstream school and come across as completely "normal" teenagers by the way.

Thanks for the replies. As a prospective solo adopter, based on the experiences shared here, I would need to be in a position financially that would allow me to give up work as there's a risk that this is what I will have to do. This means paying off my mortgage completely and then saving enough money to live off for a few years. This means I'm 6 years away from being ready to adopt. Of course, it may turn out that I can in fact continue working after adoption, but I have to proceed on the basis that I'll be able to meet my child's needs, whatever they may be.

@rihanna4

I think sometimes these threads become a bit doom laden.

That is not to try to diminish the real experiences that have been written about here.

The thing about adoption is that you have to be resourceful and be a problem solver.
It's a lot easier for a couple to take a decision for one of them to give up work or go part time. Its a much bigger deal if you are single.
I'm part of a big group of single adopters, nearly all with much more challenging children than mine ever was, the majority kept on working, even if it was just part time.
It's good for the children to see that you have to work to have nice things in a nice home.
Its good for your sanity to have adult conversations and a space where you can drink a cup of tea in peace.
You also have to think about your own long term future and financial security and your pension. Whatever happens one day the kids will be grown up and gone, you may struggle to get back into the job market.
In my experience it's very hard for adopters who are in the main working people with good jobs and careers to think about claiming benefits. If your child is so challenging you have to give up work then they will be eligible for DLA and you will qualify for carers allowance. You will get child benefit and universal credit. If it works the same as tax credits, you would also get enhanced UC if your child gets DLA. DLA is a bit of a gateway benefit. Eg carers get free entry to theatres, attractions etc so you can still afford to do things. Then there things like free school dinners.
I know a couple of single adopters who cobble together a reasobable income from benefits. I initially went back to work for 21 hours, my earned income was about 40% of my total income, the rest was from benefits.
I had no problem at all claiming- I figured my son had been let down by a state which failed to remove him early enough so the state can subsidise me for a few years. In my 40 years of working, tax paying life I will have claimed benefits for 10 years, but saved the LA a fortune in foster care fees.
I did have to wait a couple of years to sort a few financial issues out, but 6 years sounds like a very long time to wait. Don't forget the time it takes to be approved and matched, that could be 18 months to 2 years, time when you would still be working and saving.

Just for balance (and in no way trying to diminish the previous posts) I’m 6 years in and I’m part time because I choose to be. My child doesn’t have any particular needs that would require me to be part-time, but I want to be around as much as I can for school drop offs etc. This may change in the future but we are at the easy end of the spectrum right now and always have been. I think it’s important to note that this can be the case with adoption.

*In my experience it's very hard for adopters who are in the main working people with good jobs and careers to think about claiming benefits.^

I think this is so true, I needed to claim benefits for the first time last year and was shocked at how it impacted my sense of self. I’m a professional woman well established in my career but for a time I needed financial help. In all honesty benefits meant some financial security at a time of change, and I’ve certainly saved the system tens of thousands over the years so, I gave myself a good talking to.

Im also not sure why you’d need to give up work entirely - working 0.5FTE gave enough time and wiggle room to take care of what I needed to, kept my hand in at work and gave me an earned income.

I work. I use unpaid leave as I need to. But it's hard, and I can understand why other adopters work. My main difficulty is that one child cannot attend out of school activities. I'm lucky I have a very flexible job.

I have no qualms about claiming benefits, cognitively. I find the paperwork a huge pita, though.

I've got a running post about the fact I'm pretty much having a nervous breakdown - lots of answers on there will help you understand why we go part time.

In a nutshell, I had a stressful career. I was full time until eldest was 8 and youngest was 3. We both were full time. Over the years, eldest was diagnosed with various issues that were not apparent really until around age 6. Crunch time came when we were told both children needed weekly ongoing therapy that will take years. The appointments are during the week only and an hours drive away. Neither of our work would let us do this. So that was the first reason for part time.

We then also realised that both our kids having to do breakfast club, after school club or be picked up by a childminder was also adding to everybody's stress levels. Kids were knackered, I'm sure most kids would be but when you add in that they have additional needs, they were really suffering. Again - our work is not flexible on working hours.

So, stress from children being tired and overwhelmed due to long days and childcare, then stress for us at managing that stress. Late dinners, early get ups. It made us so miserable.

The appointments for therapy were the catalyst for us deciding we couldn't live like it anymore.

I have friends who have adopted and they are both still full time. However, they work in the same place that their children go so no childcare. They also are able to work from home one day a week which alleviates some of it. They are struggling.

Although times are hard right now, me going part time was absolutely worth it. They now have 3 days a week where they can relax and not be rushed around in the morning. They have a short day and dinner early.

The only reason we can afford to do this is because both children get DLA.

Also agree threads become doom laden. Don't forget we did manage full time work for 7years! And we probably would have coped had we not added another child into the mix. I'm also going through personal stuff too. I don't think part time is inevitable, more that it's something that might happen. Remember a lot of things don't come out until children are older, this gives you space. Also issues don't just suddenly become unmanageable, they slowly snowball.

Again, thanks to all for sharing.

Understood that it's not all doom and gloom, but I think my assessment still stands: I need to pay off my mortgage before I adopt. My local support network is strong (immediate neighbours who have pledged to support me, sibling down the road with her husband and kids, solid local friends made after 15 years living here), so I want to adopt and stay here (rather than sell and move to a cheaper area).

@Jellycatspyjamas Part-time work would be ideal and I'm optimistic that my employer would agree to this. The reason I have identified that having to give up work altogether is a possibility is based on experiences shared by, for example, @tonyhawks23 and @UnderTheNameOfSanders .

@Ted27 @Jellycatspyjamas Yes, it's hard to contemplate claiming benefits. Possibly there's an element of pride, but also the fear of financial hardship. I know financial hardship as, when I was growing up, one of my parents was unemployed on and off, and signed on. My other parent was a key worker. We lived in housing association housing. My sibling and I have each attained jobs in the "professions" and earn a lot more than our parents did. Not trying to impress, just sharing where I'm coming from. It's daunting to contemplate going back to square 1, financially. As I'm single and my parents surviving and not thriving on their pensions, it's just me; no cushions.

@despairingdeedee @Ted27 @Jellycatspyjamas @everybody/anybody: how many appointments per week per child were you managing at most?

@rihanna4

I also earned far more than my very working class parents, first one in the family to go to uni and all that, no inheritances to come, no cushion.
So the benefits thing is critical. DLA is not means tested and is claimed on behalf of your child, if they are eligible it is their right to have it. Ive lost count of the number of adopters Ive nagged and cajoled into claiming it when they were sinking under the stress of trying to work and manage their kids.
You wouldnt be going back to square one, it would be temporay whilst the child was growing up. And you have your career to go back to.
The proportion of my income coming from benefits decreased over time as my son grew up and I could increase my hours. He is now 19, he gets PIP and thats his money, not mine. Im back in full time employment and claim no benefits.
I think I had fewer appointments than most people, but they did seem to come in threes!! Nothing for weeks and then they all come at once. Also changed over time, physically he is very healthy so not much in terms of medical stuff apart from dentist and opticians, two or three a week in his early teens when he was in therapy.
I will say though that I adopted an older child, he already had an EHCP and diagnosis of ASD so I didnt have to go through the rigmarole of all fighting for all that - which can be very time consuming.

Hmmm difficult to say to be honest.

With child A there always seems to be an appointment for something. That sounds ridiculous but for example:

• speech therapy. Sometimes at school, sometimes at home depending on who was doing it and when.

• weekly therapy for emotions.

• often a check up for any of the following: dyspraxia, adhd assessment, autism assessment.

• child 2:
• physio check ups
• hospital apps for eyes
• hospital apps for dietician once a month at one time.
• weekly app therapy for emotions

So at a minimum one per week per child. Sometimes two or three. My work said "you can book these outside working hours" but it was insane as it would just stretch out an already lengthy process even longer. Sometimes I take my kids to appointments and I have no idea what they are for. The services don't combine and communicate in anyway.

I found the appointments calm down after a few years but when you are trying to get a diagnosis lots of different appointments and tonnes of paperwork appear.

Also I'm always getting invited to training for the problems they have but it's always in the day.

Absolutely - do whatever you need to feel ready financially.

Ted - totally agree about DLA. I have family that told me to apply otherwise I never would have. I was shocked when both children were awarded it. Without that money I couldn't be part time and therefore they would not be receiving therapy etc. it has been so crucial for us.

I couldn't manage fulltime work for a number of years, DD's needs were too great. She could cope with child care etc but the intensity of her need to test me was utterly exhausting.

However, a decade or so in she is a delightful and independent (in a healthy way) teen, with various appointments that can be planned for in a full time job (with supportive employers, having taken a few steps back in my career).

There is never a perfect time. Having children affects your financial situation. Only you can decide how much you are willing to give up. It is an important question and good for you for facing it

I am sorry for my previous doom and gloom post. I think people need to be aware of all scenarios and in my experience people lack imagination (that is no criticism). I should say that my family has been extremely unlucky in several respects. I am sure if my children had not experienced the extreme bullying at their first secondary school, we would be in a very different place now. I would also like to say that my children are amazing! I do work 1-2 days a week, but my work is extremely flexible and it would not be possible to live off my salary. Good luck!

@onlytherain
There is no need to apologise for sharing your experiences.
Prospective adopters do need to grapple with the uncertainties and potential realities of parenting adopted children and young people.
Sadly we know that for some people it never gets better, but for most of us, there is some semblance of ordinary life and they need to know that as well.
I know lots of young adopted adults who are making their way in the world - at uni, college, jobs, apprenticeships. It's important I think to keep your eye on the long term, to recognise that the wheel turns and we all move into different phases of our individual adoption journeys.

@onlytherain @Ted27 Agree with Ted. I need to hear about the worst case scenario as I have to be prepared for it.

In the same vein...

@parksandrecs "Only you can decide how much you are willing to give up. It is an important question and good for you for facing it" This empathy is appreciated so much. I feel judged sometimes by adopters as they interpret my concerns/due diligence as lack of commitment.

I'm also grateful to all posters who have shared the minutiae of their children's additional needs, appointments etc, as this is something I don't have visibility on.

My friends all have had their children biologically and they are in wrap around care and school/nursery from 0730am to 1830pm, and the adoption agency I had my info gathering interview with said there shouldn't be any problem with me going back to FT work after 12 months and putting my child in wrap around care.

Meanwhile on Mumsnet the stories are different...

the adoption agency I had my info gathering interview with said there shouldn't be any problem with me going back to FT work after 12 months and putting my child in wrap around care.

That’s a very optimistic view, I don’t know many adopted kids who would cope with 11 hours of combined school and wrap around.