Reasons for giving up or reducing work after adoption

[rihanna4]

What are the precise reasons adopters sometimes have to go part-time or give up work altogether? I know it's because their child has special needs, but it would be helpful to know what precisely this involved in practical terms which meant that full time working wasn't feasible. Thanks

@rihanna4

I've been on adoption forums for about 15 years now, I've seen a lot of people come and go, shared stories with hundreds of people.
My experience is that the people who ask the most questions and are realistic in their expectations are the ones who push through.
It's the people who have rose tinted specs about their little princes and princesses who come unstuck.
You are absolutely right to consider all scenarios, remember that there is no such thing as a silly question.
My feeling is that you are going to be a great adoptive parent.

@Ted27 Thanks so much Ted

I am confident that I'll adopt and will be a good mum. For me, it's a question of do I embark on the approval process now or wait 5+ years until my mortgage is substantially paid off and I can afford to work part-time in case necessary. I'm already early 40s, so big decision.

@Jellycatspyjamas Noted your view, thanks. I agree.

@rihanna4

I started thinking seriously when I 40, was 42 when I applied, 47 when my son came home, long story, don't ask !!
Honestly I wouldn't wait 5+ years.
Give it 2-3, you will still have the time being assessed and approved, and then waiting for a match to carry on saving and paying down the mortgage.

@Ted27 Actually that was my plan originally: apply in 2024 and then delay matching if I need to delay for financial reasons. However the agency I had the info sharing meeting with said that they approve within 6 months normally and once approved they will have a review meeting with you if you haven't matched after 12 months. Thereafter if you havent match within 2 years after approval they may withdraw your approval.

I should add that the new (new to me!) mortgage interest rates have been a wake up call!!

I am one of those single adopters who have never made it back to work but I also would say don't wait 7 years. Between child benefit, child tax credit, DLA and Carers' allowance we muddle through. It's not what I imagined myself doing, but it works for us. I probably could have gone back to part time work by now but my children need the stability of me around more than we need money.

Try and get as much paid off your mortgage as you can over the next 2 years maybe - but then apply.

Firstly, the process can take a while; the agency may say six months, but that is not that common and there are many variables which can slow a process down. Plus, that six months is to approval panel. For many adopters the longer part of the process is waiting for matching - and even when you are linked to a child it may still take months.

I held off for a couple of years to get myself into a better financial position - which was worthwhile - but I also used that time to try and plan ahead to avoid future costs. I re decorated, had a new boiler installed, changed my car... I even stockpiled many of the more expensive items from my weekly shop by buying one extra each time. We lived for a very long time without needing to buy toilet rolls, shampoo, washing powder, cleaning stuff etc.

I also think that if you have a strong support system now then use it sooner rather than later; you don't know what each of their situations will be in 5 or 7 years time - they may be unable to provide as much support for you by then.

I think planning ahead and thinking clearly about finances is very important, but if you do take some time before taking the plunge then use that time to prepare yourself in other ways too - by learning about trauma, mental health, our education system (especially the SEN system), attachment, contact ... and gradually educate those around you too!

I too would say dont delay for 5 years, the process is so slow - it supposed to be 6 months but thats to approval and may well be not that quick. We were 3 years for example, so even if you save save save as you go but keep going. Matching can be v slow. Now Im worried my doom and gloom will sway your decision, dont forget loads of people do work fine! And Im getting there! And I think you can take a break after stage one for example. I always recommend AUKs prospective adopter meet ups on zoom they are so helpful to chat to others going through the same thing so may be useful.

@LeoLeo2 You're spot on - apart from my financials, conditions are ripe for me currently: i have a family-friendly employer; my current role is stable but unexciting; my neighbours and nearby sibling are supportive. And I'm indeed already using my time wisely - have been babysitting as much as possible all year, started voluntary work in August, health/fitness/diet improvements, will get my home child-ready (and social worker ready!) in 2024.

Can you share why you haven't gone back to work exactly? Is it medical/therapy appointments? Or trauma/stress? Or...?

Therapeutic parenting is exhausting and relentless, there are times when it feels like living in constant crisis and there is no way to put it on hold. There are lovely moments as well, but your home, your safe space, is sometimes a place of constant hostility and confrontation. And then you need to respond to that hostility with empathy and warmth and engagement, when the normal human reaction is to either respond in kind or walk away.

If you are a single adopter the chances are no-one else really sees/knows what's going on. If you are in a couple it errodes the time and energy you have to maintain your relationship, and sometimes the child(ren) will try to drive a wedge between you, or you simply disagree fundamentally how to respond to the challenging behaviour.

Dealing with all of that plus work is a big ask! Especially if you child responds to your absence by ramping up their behaviour (because they are terrified).

In my case the in the first 18 months pre-school was a real positive, it gave DD time away from the intensity of her feelings about me (and she was used to going to pre-school, it was her routine). But then we got to school, they weren't trauma-informed or willing to consider that this wasn't simply DD choosing to be naughty, and then the meetings and appointments ramped up, as did DD's need for time out of school for mental health reasons.

I would add, think about the age of child you would like to adopt. If they are of school age then the chances are their needs will be fairly well known and acknowledged with support in place (the strucutre and lack of flexibility of school tends to highlight any difficulties), plus paid-for childcare will be mostly school holidays. The 'easy to place baby' has the most unknowns, and once the adoption order is complete you have no leverage to get support. One friend postponed applying for the adoption order for over a year (on the advice of her SW!) not because she wasn't sure/lacked commitment, but in order to ensure her DD's needs were documented and met going forward.

If you have a supportive employer you may be able to negotiate some flexibility around your hours. I have a colleague (not adoptive parent) who finishes work at 3.30, then does another hour and a half in the evening to accommodate child care - she is available for meetings up until 3.30, and then the evening is paperwork/other tasks that can be done without colleagues. I have complete support for taking off time I need for essential meetings, and in return they know I will be flexible about e.g. starting early or finishing late if necessary

@parksandrecs Thanks for the detailed posts. What age was your child when she came home? Were her emotional needs/issues known?

I would like to adopt 3yo upwards. I think a baby would be too much for me to manage financially, mentally and physically on my own; I'm not baby-mad; and as you say it's more likely that they'll have unknown needs.

I'm hopeful that my employer will let me work flexi hours very similar to your colleague - if I'm alert enough to log back on after my child has gone to bed!

@tonyhawks23 Thanks for your post. The doom and gloom won't sway my decision, don't worry. But even if it did, it would be for the best.

I was DD's respite carer from when she was a toddler, so she came home gradually, so to speak! And by the time it was apparent that adoption was on the cards I already loved her a lot, I never applied to adopt, as such. When things got to crisis point she came to me as her usual respite carer. When it became apparent that adoption was the best course I raised my interest.

I was approved for DD specifically, so never went through matching, and to a certain extent her emotional needs were irrelevant to my decision, although the fact I had developed a relationship with her meant that I felt I could meet her needs IYSWIM.

There was another child I involved with and was very drawn to, but I knew I couldn't meet her needs long term (there was no prospect of independent living in their case, they would always need the physical and mental care you would give a toddler). And others I helped care for but didn't feel about in the same way as I did about DD. Which isn't to say that their needs were greater. Just that from day 1 I felt differently about DD, which meant I could cope with more for her.

@parksandrecs Thank you. Interesting journey x

The most simple reason why I haven't gone back to work is that neither of my children have ever managed full time school. They would certainly never have managed before and after school clubs or childcare. They needed me. They still need me even as teenagers; in some ways more than when they were younger. Navigating life as a teenager is hard enough anyway; add fear, insecurity, being less mature/ready for independence than their peers...

Also, for the first few years I was utterly exhausted and fell into bed as soon as my children were asleep (and used to go back to it as soon as I had done the school run in the morning). We still have patches where the stresses mount up and I am exhausted from dealing with it - at times when we hit a crisis I can be needing to contact school, therapists and social workers within the few hours a school day provides.

For us, appointments are a bit like buses - nothing for ages then they all come at once. We don't have many medical appointments but both my children have EHCPs which can mean a fair amount of meetings - all in school time. We also have regular therapy appointments - again during the working day.

I do know other single adopters who have gone back to work and whose children cope well with childcare. It just doesn't work for us and, looking back, I probably knew that deep down when I was being linked and matched with my children (well, I thought I would maybe go back in a very part time role). It's the right thing for my children for me to be at home and it has given them a huge amount of much needed security - but every family is different and you adapt to what is needed.