adoption after bio child- what's it like?

[manuka]

Hello! we have one dd nearly 21 months- Jesus doesn't time fly?! seems like only a few months since she arrived.
Dh wants another but due to awful birth and depression I just can't risk attempting that again in fact I have to admit I would rather die than be pregnant and give birth again on the nhs.
I have always wanted to adopt a Chinese girl because so many of them are 'unwanted' but dh thinks he would find it hard to love a child that isn't biologically his. To me that side of things is irrelevant because we are all souls regardless of who's body we were grown in. I look at dd as a soul, not just 'my daughter' if you know what I mean.
Have any of you had this type of situation with your partners/husbands? Can it ever be resolved? Have any of you with bio kids found it hard to love adopted kids equally?

I have bio and adopted kids and don't feel any differently about them.

my Dh feels the same so i don't know how you deal with the situation with your Dh. However i DO know that the adoption process is very VERY diffiuclt and you wont get through it unless you are both absolutely committed to adoption as a way of building your family

i would strongly urge you to explore all other option before you look at adoption. you mentioned you didnt want to have another baby on teh NHS - why not go private ? I bet its a lot cheaper than adopting from china!

what about hiring a doula to help you achieve birth you want?

have you had counselling or support about your previous bad experinece?

I know you are not asking about this, but you will have to go through it anyway as part of the adoption process. Rightly or wrongly, SS are very suspicious of families who want to adopt as a way of avoiding pregnancy / birth - they will probably expect you to have gone through counselling about it

sorry no bio kids so a biased view from me! I can't imagine loving a bio child as much as I love my DS - it just doesn;t seem possible. It also seems wierd to me to love a child just because they are genetically yours. I love my DS becuase he is marvellous and lovable and would defy anyone not to fall head over heels in love with them if they lived with him (even your DS).

I would however add a note of caution/realism re adoption from China - these babies are very much wanted, there are queues of couples from teh west waiting to adopt them (no doubt sadly, they are wanted by their birth parents too but circumstances don;t allow it). The waiting list for a non-chinese family to be matched with a child from China is currently running at about 4years (after your approximate year or two of home study/approval/dossier prep here)

sorry that should say (even your DH)!

and you do realise that you may not get a baby? An aquaintance of mine was approved for a child from China 0-2yrs and was matched with a 3 yr old.

I'm the youngest of three and my older brothers are bio, I'm adopted.

If anything I was always the favourite and for much the same reasons you cite - my mum wasn't able to have any more children, so she kind of saw me as something special that she wouldn't otherwise have had.

However, I tend to agree with the others on being realistic here - before my DC's were born I had 7 M/Cs and we started down the adoption route - we were truly taken aback by the complexity of the process and the requirement to disclose so much of ourselves to what seemed to be people intent on putting obstacles in our way rather than clearing our path... and think the social workers would very much at your rationale

Thanks for all your advice. I have had counselling of sorts and loads of various complementary therapies amazingly prescribed by my very open minded gp!
I didn't realise about waiting list for Chinese babies but wouldn't mind an older child anyway.
SS sound pretty harsh. They ought to try having a c section without enough anaesthetic before giving me a hard time about my reasons for adoption! but I suppose ultimately they're doing a good job.
If I were to try to get pregnant again I would have to have a doula, a midwife an obstetrician in fact the whole team!!! The thought horrifies me!
I wanted to adopt long before I met dh and felt the urge to get pregnant.
The main thing for me is to have dh feel the same but I don't know if he'l ever feel differently.
I get really annoyed about the likes of Angelina Jollie adopting so easily even whilst pregnant.

Manuka - does your DH want you to go through childbirth again? It might be worth getting hold of the Be My Parent magazine from BAAF
(British Association for Adoption and Fostering) because if your DH could see the real live children needing new families he might start to feel differently.

We have two bio and one adopted. DH says he feels the same about all. The love I have for our adopted child is 'purer' - it's not tied up in worry about whether I'm doing the right thing all the time, because so much of her is nothing to do with me, if that makes sense. Love comes through being with, taking care of a vulnerable child, not necessarily through giving birth.

It IS hard though. You have to be really sure you want to do it.

Jani thanks for your message. I'll check that out. Hopefully it will help dh to see things differently.
You're right about the love thing. It took me around a year to feel love for dd so I feel adopting would feel like a similar process of growing to love someone.

"I get really annoyed about the likes of Angelina Jollie adopting so easily even whilst pregnant." - don;t get too cross with her it's because she's american not becasue she's famous! The american system is much more lax than ours (some, including me, would say too lax) and though I do think we are at the opposite extreme, there should be a happy medium.

Manuka, I'm looking in here because I am also thinking of trying to adopt after having a birth child (though for different reasons from you). But I thought I'd mention that one of my close friends had a horrific first birth: like you, a CS with inadequate anaesthetic, amongst other things, and then a terrible hospital-induced infection in her wound. However, she recovered physically, and recovered psychologically partly with the aid of an independent midwife who took her through her notes, talked through the whole birth experience with her, and coached her through her second pregnancy - which, despite the damage done to her uterus first time round, was fine. So she now has two very lovely children. Just thought you might find it encouraging to hear about her. Good luck, whatever your way forward.

Hi, I'm reading with interest as we have bio son (nearly 8) and are looking into adopting, we are going on the adoption course this weekend.

Thanks Zazette- I think I will get my notes and go through them with my friend who's a midwife. Would really love to punch the living daylights out of the whole surgical team but probably not a good idea!!
Why is it so different in America? Do you have to be approved for adoption in your home country before adopting abroad?
Hope all goes well for you Jodee!

yes in any country who has signed the Hague convention on interso adoption, you have to be approved in the country you reside in to the same standard as domestic adoptions.

The US don;t have complusory training requirements, homes studies can be done with a visit or two and over the phone and can takle a couple of weeks. They don;t bat an eyelid at you adopting whilst pregnant, out of birth order, multiple non-sibkings at the same time. All of which you would have a reall job on your hands convincing your Sw that you should be allowed to do.

No as I have 2 whom we adopted but I do know that a social worker would pick up on any hesitance from your DH re being able to love a child whom you adopted. I know people who have both and have heard it said couple of times that they feel more protective towards child whom they have adopted. Like others on here can't possibly imagine loving ours more than we do......
Adoption whether domestic or intercountry will take a lot of determination and endless patience(see other threads on here!) but the rewards are immeasurable. Good luck whatever you decide.

Beemail - that's an interesting point about feeling more protective towards an adoptive child. It might have something to do with the invisible people looking over your shoulder - birth parents, foster carers, social workers...!

We are about to adopt and already have one bio son, I had terrible PND and didn't want to risk it while having ds already. Because of the PND I didn't love ds instantly and started to fall in love with him when he was about 8 months old, So as it was him I fell in love with, not the fact he was my son (IYSWIM) I knew I could easily love an adopted child, and I already for strongly for the girl we are about to adopt even know I have never met her, but have seen photo's and know the life story etc etc. Its taken us over 3 years from the information evening to getting to this point, but I know it will be worth it when she finally comes to love with us.

April- that's exciting! Hope you don't have to wait much longer. Will you meet her a few times before she comes to live with you and how old is she? PND is really my main concern as to why I don't want to have another. It took me so long to climb out of that mess and the thought of doing it again is just not an option.

I am amazed at the USA procedure -or non-procedure as it seems to be. Any bloody pervert could be adopting over there then couldn't they?

Just had a look at the children on Be My Parent and it made me cry. All those children without the anchor of a loving family God its awful isn't it? My parents are so amazing I had such a 'loved' childhood I really want to be able to do that for someone who doesn't have that. I will be showing that website to dh this weekend.

Well done April for getting through the process, it's amazing how long it takes, isn't it?

Manuka - the fact that you had a very happy childhood would definitely count in your favour since emotional stability is important and the SWs want to feel reassured that we have it. That's not to say that people who've had difficult childhoods can't adopt, it's just that they have more work to prove that they've got the emotional resources required. I think your DH will find the website interesting.

Yes we get to meet her before she comes to live with us, she will be just over a year. We meet her gradually over a 2 weeks period.

That's a great age to get a child! small babies and night feeds are pants!!
Miraculously last night off his own back dh mentioned adoption very positively so that's an interesting step forward!

yes manuka but instead you get a disorientated 1yr old who hardly knows you - I htink its every bit as much work and just as stressful. Imagine taking your one year old and giving her to virtual strangers and imagine how he/she would react.

Getting DS to sleep was hell for a while - he just wouldn't be comforted.

Sorry April - not trying to put a downer on it as I'm sure you're prepared for the transition. It just always wound me up how many people who thought that adopting DS at 1yr was the easy option. (I know you didn't quite mean it that way Manuka - but I heard it a lot and I always thought it was very dismissive of the hard work that goes into teh attachement and bonding and familiarisation in the first few months)

I really understand what you're saying, Kewcumber. Our DD was 2.8 when she came to live with us and whilst she has attached extraordinarily quickly and well, it's not the same as a baby. For example, I'm not sure how cuddly and tactile to be with her, I'm not sure how much nudity is acceptable around her, I'm not sure if she should be in bed with us, I'm not sure if I should let her watch me go to the loo - all stuff that with a baby would not be an issue. Then when I think about what she went through as a baby it just makes me really really sad for her

Sorry to have wound you up with my comment it was very thoughtless of me. It must have been like climbing a mountain for you but I imagine its the most worthwhile thing you could ever put effort into.

Jani if you can maybe it would be the right thing to just be you with regards to cuddles etc. Lots of love and physical affection might be just what she needs??

You're right, of course Manuka! She does resist quite strongly sometimes though and that's when I realise I don't have the same confidence around her as I do with my sons.