adoption after bio child- what's it like?

[manuka]

Hello! we have one dd nearly 21 months- Jesus doesn't time fly?! seems like only a few months since she arrived.
Dh wants another but due to awful birth and depression I just can't risk attempting that again in fact I have to admit I would rather die than be pregnant and give birth again on the nhs.
I have always wanted to adopt a Chinese girl because so many of them are 'unwanted' but dh thinks he would find it hard to love a child that isn't biologically his. To me that side of things is irrelevant because we are all souls regardless of who's body we were grown in. I look at dd as a soul, not just 'my daughter' if you know what I mean.
Have any of you had this type of situation with your partners/husbands? Can it ever be resolved? Have any of you with bio kids found it hard to love adopted kids equally?

You never know, she may 'resist' just because thats how she is and maybe would always have been like that even if she'd been with you from day 1? Some people are just like that aren't they? I've got cousins who always give me a kiss and a hug whenever we meet and that really freaks me out!! Even though I was always hugged and kissed as a child I find the whole hugging relatives thing really uncomfortable I even cringe when my lovely mummy gives me a hug (unless I'm really upset about something!!) I only feel comfortable hugging my sister, dh, dd and my cat Princess Rollos.

How do people cope with adopting overseas children if they are matched with an older child of say 3yrs who won't understand English?

I know you qweren't intending to be insensitive MAnuka - it was just one of thethings that pushed my buttons at the time! So many people said to me "oh you're coping so well, isn't he doing well etc", they came and admired and left all teh cups, plates etc for me to wash up. I don't think anyone said to me, how are you coping, what can I do to help, let me bring starbicks coffee over and we'll have a chat etc. They all compared it to them having their one year old forgetting that in fact it was akin to having a newborn. In fact with hindsight considering I was single I htink I coped pretty well, it just didn't feel like I was at the time!

Re adopting a 3 yr old with a different language, well DS at one didn't understand any English so I guess it was a bit like that only more extreme. You manage because you have to.

I think that most families adopting older children from overseas learn basic phrases in another language. The bigger problem is that older institutionalised children are often very delayed in their first language, but this is not picked up and treated when they come home.
If they don't get help they wont be able to learn English properly either.

even younger children are language delayed very often. Also sadly children often lose their first language before they aquire their second - can be very frustrating

"Rightly or wrongly, SS are very suspicious of families who want to adopt as a way of avoiding pregnancy / birth"

Why is this?

i am not a Sw so i am only explaining what i understand to be their attitude - i am not defending it

i believe it is because such families frequently drop out during the adoption process

I didn't think you were defending it! Just curious. I've given birth once and don't fancy it again but I definitely want more children. I don't think that that is a bad reason for adopting? I don't know anything about it though so ignore me!

I dont think its a bad reason for adopting either . i think its just that the adoption process now is so very very long and difficult, that most people who have any other choices at all will drop out long befroe they get a child

basically there are very few healthy babies and young children avaiable for adoption in the uk now. Most waiting children are older, have special needs and/or are in large sibling groups. Many are black or of mixed heritage and SS will only place them with "matching" families.Often children have serious attachment problmes, for which there is little help or support.Adoptive parenst can find themselves isolated from their friends and family by their child's needs.Many adopters get post adoption depression & again get no help.

Its not an easier way of adding to your family. Those who are motivated by charity usually drop out. IME those who make it tend to be desperate and see it as their last chance to be parents or add to their family

hotCheeseBurns - beleive me I don't fancy adopting again either - it was intrusive, expensive (in my case), emotional, draining and drawn out. I was trying to "conceive" by adoption for just over a year, was "pregnant" for another 2 years then had a three months labour in Kazakhstan (wihtout pain relief) before bringing my DS home.

I am the most single minded and obsessive person I know and if I could have kept hold of the kind of determination I had to show then, I would be prime minister by now! Aven so, I nearly gave up at least twice in the three years, the only thing which stopped me was (as Kristina says) the thought that it was this way or no way.

yup KC, you are one stubborn woman

just as well coz your Ds1 has these teribble twos a comin'

Blimey, that doesn't sound like an easy option! Do you think it should be easier? Do social services etc. make it unnecessarily difficult?

hotCheeseBurns - welcome to the debate. DH and I could have had more birth children, but we had always thought that 'one day' we would adopt, so after DS2 I was sterilised.

We have had our adopted DD (3) with us since last July. It is, quite honestly, the hardest thing I've ever experienced and the things I thought would be a problem have not come to pass. She attached to us quickly and easily, she is very much a member of the family. The difficulty lies in that fact that she fights almost constantly with our DS2, but adores our DS1. This sets up a terrible dynamic, since it was DS2 who was really looking forward to being a big brother. My heart breaks for him sometimes and I feel angry with her because it seems to me that family life would be so much easier if she would accept his love and affection. There must be a reason why she doesn't, but I don't yet know what it is. And because DS1 knows he can't take out any frustrations on his little sister, he and DS2 now fight more than they ever did.

Ho hum. It's hard. I don't know if it's harder than with a biological family of three.

Maryz - sadly I know of many of cases where the adoption " didnt work out". I have never heard of this happening because the adoptive parents " changed their minds". It is nearly always because the child (usually a teenager) "changes their mind" or because the child is so violent or disturbed they cannot be safely contained in a family home

Many of these children / young people go on to live in a therapeutic setting, psychiatric hospital,residential unit, secure unit, or a series of foster homes

Thanks Mary - that gives me a different perspective. They all got on pretty well today as we were out on a trip - it's much better than all being indoors.

oh Mary, thats very sad. I didn't read about that case. i know the Irish system is much better organised for overseas adoptions. I think that Kewcumber met several Irish families who were also adopting from Kazakstan

hijack>>>>>>>> Kew I promise to bring Starbucks over if you go for #2

I draw the line at washing up but I might help you stack the dishwasher