OP, I think you’re now clear that your convicted sex-offender partner has zero chance of ever becoming an adoptive or foster parent, and neither will you if you remain with him.
The further - no doubt disappointing - thing, for my 2 cents worth, is you’re unlikely to ever become an adoptive or foster parent, even if you leave him. If this didn’t jump out from reading between the lines of previous posts, I’d like to propose five reasons why in crystal-clear terms, as I’m finding what you’re suggesting really quite disturbing from a child safeguarding point of view.
Firstly, as others have posted, you appear to be in denial about the risks your convicted sex-offender partner poses to both an adoptive child and your birth child. Children’s services deal with mums in denial day in, day out. Parents typically downplay and minimise their partners abusive, addictive or otherwise harmful behaviours, even when there’s a conviction and not just an allegation, with endless rebuttals about how it was just the one time and it was someone else’s fault. The term child safeguarding professionals use is “lacking insight”. Parents in denial pose a risk to their own children, and social workers take children into care from such families on a weekly basis.
You know about one incident for which your partner was convicted. Can you be 100% certain there aren’t more, for which he just wasn’t caught? Sex offenders are known to be experts at hiding in plain sight, masquerading as perfect parents even to their trusting partners. Further, when their offenses go undetected they are more likely to escalate. Even more so when they’re connected to a network of other sex-offending buddies. The odds are that your partner poses far more risk than you appear to accept. Fortunately for vulnerable kids, adoption safeguarding professionals tend to be aware of this denying mindset, which is why you and your convicted criminal partner are unlikely to get past the initial adoption interview (if that).
The second reason I believe you’re unlikely to ever become an adoptive mother, even as a single mum, stems from sharing a child with a convicted sex offender. Even if you leave him, he remains the father of your child and the Family Court can grant him shared care of your joint daughter, putting any child you adopt at risk of coming into contact with him. At that point he could be a vindictive ex hellbent on getting back at you… including by harming your adoptive child. I have witnessed adoption panel members recoil in horror at the thought of a far less risky situation than what you are proposing.
My third point relates to child welfare assessments, and you mentioning that your partner was assessed to be low or no risk by Children Services. I am assuming that this was for your daughter, not a prospective adoptee. In their assessment they likely weighed up the risks of her growing up with no contact with her biological father versus the risks of maintaining contact. An assessment for a vulnerable adoptee would be a whole different kettle of fish. Who’s to say that your sex-offending partner would also be considered low risk for a child he is not biologically related to? One who may display sexualised behaviours at a young age as a result of trauma she has experienced? As other posters have eloquently highlighted, most adoptive children in the UK are removed from high-risk families, sometimes involving sex offenders, and the idea of placing them in a family with a convicted sex offender is a complete nonstarter. And again, your apparent lack of insight into this could preclude you from being considered a suitable adoptive parent.
Let’s say you overcome the above and succeed in finding an agency that approved you, your next challenge will be matching. You’ve heard the mantra that matching is about finding a family for a vulnerable adoptee, not finding children for adopters, so you would be competing with other prospective adopters. Look at the recent numbers: there are a lot more approved adopters (2240 in 2022) than there are children ready to be adopted (1880 in 2022), a mismatch exacerbated by growing legal challenges to adoption, and special guardianships (SGOs). Why would a family-finding social worker and a vulnerable child’s social worker, adoption panel, SRO, CAFCASS guardian and other safeguarding professionals choose you over other, likely safer and less problematic, prospective adopters? And don’t bother contemplating overseas adoption, you still need to be approved in the UK and I don’t see IAC or any other similar agency approving the partner or co-parent of a convicted sex offender anytime soon.
So let’s say all of us here are wrong, you overcome all the above and are now at placement stage with a UK adoption. My final point ties into what several PPs said about how birth parents might feel about their child being placed with a sex offender or their co-parenting ex-partner. It’s not just about how the birth parents might feel, it’s about what they’ll do, i.e. the applications they will make to the Family Court to revoke the placement order and for “leave to oppose” the making of the adoption order. Normally birth parents have very little chance of obtaining leave to oppose, and even less chance of successfully opposing. But what if the prospective adopter was a convicted sex offender, or in a co-parenting relationship with one? Which Family Court judge do you think will be willing to take that risk? And even if you find one that is, which High Court or Court of Appeal judge would take the risk when the birth parents inevitably appeal, journalists and hysterical media coverage in tow?
Forget adoption, OP, it’s not for everyone. And I can only empathise with how sad this must feel to you, you really are in an unfortunate situation. Hopefully focusing your attention to safeguarding your daughter as she grows up could prove a fulfilling enough parenting experience? And if you’d prefer to hear all this from a professional, perhaps you could seek a consultation with an organisation such as PAC-UK?
Sorry everyone for the long post, hopefully someone thinking about posting “Adopting with a serial killer (who was only a serial killer just the one time and it wasn’t his fault)“ might read this post and think twice…
Peace.