cold feet

[GSM545]

we have passed panel and I am now full of fear that we will not be able to live a happy life with an adopted child.
we are in our 50's with no birth children so we won't ever have a family if we do not adopt.
so few children will be available to us we know as we are a older white couple. and we would be very lucky to have the privilege of adopting any child at all, we know. But despite our very realistic expectations of what our lives could be like it still seems impossible to imagine a life with an adopted child that is in anyway positive or 'normal enough' to bring any joy, contentment or hope.
I don't know if this is a normal feeling or not. I see people online celebrating when they passed panel. I felt nothing but fear and dread. Does this mean that I shouldn't be doing this at all ? Our social worker thinks we will be great parents but of course she wants to place children - the reality is that she isn't invested in us in ourselves. Quite rightly our ability to live a 'happy enough' life is only of interest to her in terms of the child's welfare ( as it should be ). I am in a place of psychological despair. I feel caught between a life with an adopted child that I am scared will be without hope or a life lived
without any child at all which is without hope. i don't know how to move forward.

Thanks so much for checking in @Italiangreyhound ! Calmer thanks. We had a bit of a breather as to be honest it has been a long road to get approved and I think being emotionally drained was part of the issue. Still feeling the weight of being older parents to be in this situation but our social worker has put us forward for a child we could imagine parenting and as many on this very kind thread said dealing with a specific child feels less scary. We are not hopeful that it will work out this time but the idea that we will feel a connection to a particular child in some way that will help us work through the hypothetical fears I think i feels more real now. Thanks for the support to you and all -and if we get further will let this thread know. Hope you and everyone else on the thread doing ok -@Shrinky ?@AMP16 ?@CherryL107 how are you all? I’m sure I speak for all of us Inprocess adopters who are so grateful for greyhound and @Ted27 and all the adopters who post advice and support for us. I hope in the future to graduate to be one of them helping the next generation of adopters !

Good to hear.

Just to reassure you about age - my son, 13, came to us at 3, he was born when I was in my mid forties so I was almost 50 when he came to us. We also have a birth child born when I was in my very later 30s.

thank you. that's very nice to know. it's so silly - i don't have any negative feelings about older mums and dads at all when i see other parents with their families - it's only my doubt in myself that is the issue. and i think i will be a better mum at the age i am now compared to my younger self - and will enjoy the good bits more as they will have been so hard won ! i am very lucky to have a social worker who believes in me so when i get a bit worried she is always totally reassuring in a non- rose glasses way ! will
keep you posted!

Hi there! Glad you are feeling Calmer. I have just been officially linked. A very surreal feeling as I have only just been approved and was expecting to wait a lot longer. I feel like the link is right for me but also like I have been hit by a bus!! I do understand that feeling of doubt in yourself though….

@AMP16 congrats ! that's so wonderful. i just keep thinking that adoptive parents are the most prepared any parent can ever be .... even if that feels very underprepared. many good wishes and i am sure you will ace it day by day despite challenges -and if you are like me can think "i can post on mumsnet for some
advice /support from
the nice people on the adoption board!"

Thank you that is so kind!
It’s so fortunate to have the adoption board for sure. I hope that your link works out. I think you will ace it all too! 😊

Just a short note to add to all the helpful messages you have received I was 65 when our daughter age 3 when placed with us. She did have complex health needs which why we were selected (I am a registered sick children’s nurse) She has done so well and is the happiest person.
Good luck and enjoy.

@mumof2many1943 that is so wonderful to know - thanks so much and all best wishes to you and her

Have reported both your ignorant, aggressive posts, @redressgirl.

I’ve seen you posted this a little while ago and have had lots of responses but just to add my voice into the mix - cold feet is so normal!

Even after our son was placed, we felt overwhelmed and anxious and worried if we’d done the right thing! Everyone kept telling me that oh once you have a child, you forgot what your life was before! That didn’t feel very comforting to me as I loved my life pre my son! I was so scared of it changing. I love my husband so much - I didn’t want that to change!

In the end, everything obviously did change but in all the best ways. Our life is so rich for having our little boy in it. He is our whole world and it is a privilege that we get to be the parents that raise
him. My relationship is stronger and, if possible, the love me and my husband share has grown as we’ve been though this together. Seeing him parent is magic (most days, I mean let’s keep this real, my son is still 4 and some days are hard!)

I am not an older Mum. I am early 30s and my husband is late 30s so I don’t have any experience of being a parent in my 50s. However, I can see so many positives that you bring to the table. Patience, experience, calm. There have been lots of posts on the board where SW haven’t recommended couples and people for adoption so the fact that your SW is backing you and is putting you forward for children tells me they believe in you so you should believe in yourself too!