My son has sen, my daughter is struggling to cope and it's affecting her behaviour

[scarfonthestairs]

I honestly don't know what to do to help her.
My son is 10. He is adopted and has fasd. He is v clever , attends mainstream school but has huge emotional issues. Still is like a toddler. Can have huge meltdowns, doesn't understand how hard he hugs etc. Honestly is like an overly emotional duracell bunny.

My daughter is 7 and not adopted. She is a kind caring girl. However, she is overly emotional, strops, shouts ,moans constantly.
I know, I absolutely know that she is copying some of ds behaviour, that she feels incredibly jealous of ds.

Ds has a day of respite once a month. We try to spend extra time with dd. I don't raise my voice. I'm kind, caring with her.
At the same point I'm shattered, I work 4 days a week. My dh works full time and goes above and beyond at home. We are shattered.
Dd ends up sleeping in our bed most nights. She clings to me. We can't sleep well.
I feel life is such a mess. I want to help dd to go back to how she was. But I know she has such a hard time. I don't feel I'm a good mom to either of them.

Why does she feel jealous of DS? How does she feel the need to cling to you in bed? What is she afraid of? How does her brothers behaviour impact her?

I don't know why she feels jealous of him, I don't think she does either! When she is calm she can't explain it but when she's having a rage it all comes out.
I also don't know about bed. She has all different reasons every night!
He can hurt her when hes trying to play or having a rage. He man handles her. His meltdowns can be loud and take over.
I sound an awful parent but we do gove her lots of time I don't feel like I'm helping either of them

So he hurts and manhandles your daughter and scares her, and you react to this how? What's his punishment? She's mimicking his behaviour because she feels ignored and sees that loud behaviour gets the instant response. I'd be VERY concerned that she wants to be in bed with you. Does he try and harm her at night when you're not there? Does she have her own room? There's a choice to be made here if you cannot keep your daughter feeling safe.

Actually it's even in your comment - your son is like a "Duracell bunny" whilst your daughter is "overly emotional". She's picking up on how you give the boy a pass whilst expecting her (a 7 year old?!) to be emotionally regulated. I bet she's stressed and upset.

@scarfonthestairs that sounds really difficult and you sound amazing.

The only thing that stands out to me in what you have written is that you have written that both of your children are overly emotional.

I wonder if that could be looked at. Your sons intense emotions are very real to him even if they are compounded by his different neurology and similarly your daughter is experiencing very intense emotional reactions to her experiences at home.

Their emotions are at the level they are at and they need to be validated at those levels and regulated from those levels.

I was brought up in a very emotionally difficult home and I went on to have kids with ASD who similar to your kids struggle with emotional regulation. I found it really hard based on my own upbringing to recognise that my children’s emotional experiences were just a reflection of the internal experiences that they were having, internal experiences I had been forced to deny to myself as a child so I really did not understand them well. Once I came to have a better understanding of my children’s inner world, helping them to learn to regulate their experiences became so much easier. I read loads and did loads of parenting courses based around this type of work and they really, really helped.

I would investigate whether your daughter can access any sort of play therapy e.g. through school to talk through her feelings.

I can't offer advice, but I can stand with sympathy I also have a ds with sen who is prone to meltdowns, which are really loud and can be violent. My dd is affected by this massively, not only just the meltdowns and what comes with that, but the constant supervision and attention he needs and it's so hard.

I try my best to remove my dd during meltdowns and make 1-1 time with her when possible. My husband helps out when home from work, but without him, it's battle for mums attention pretty much constantly. Neither of them sleep during the night either, and both end up sleeping with me.

My dd definitely copies behaviour especially when she loses her cool, which I also find so hard because not only am I trying to accommodate my ds who can't help his behaviour I'm also dealing with it from my dd who I suppose (her age) also cannot help it and sees big brother doing the same so why not... It's like a vicious circle.

I would, however, recommend the book "The explosive child" it really has helped me!

My ds is awaiting diagnosis currently so I feel like we are just plodding along..barely!

Is she part of a young carers group and does she do any activities just for her, either normal hobby ones or specific siblings of disabled children ones?

If he is loud when he melts down, get her some noise cancelling headphones and a device to play appropriate music, audio books or to watch TV on, lower her sensory input.

@scarfonthestairs

this sounds so difficult

can I suggest you get this moved to the adopters board. there are several people around with both adopted and birth children.

If your son is in mainstream does he have an EHCP? what support/therapy is in place around the FASD.

Thank you for your kind comments. Dd does dancing and rainbows so she has her own time. She is very sociable at school and has time with her friends.
I totally get that she is mirroring hus behaviour.
@BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers I'm really hurt by your comments. I do think think you've read how I feel. I do not feel thay boys are allowed to be emotional and girls not.
A sibling carers group is a very good idea.
I really appreciate the people who understand this and have offered support .

I will see of I can move this to adoption

@BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers did you read he has FASD? You’re making some big accusations and assumptions in your posts 😳.

At Scarf, I'm sorry you are feeling hurt by the other posters remarks, but please don't ignore their questions.

I'm glad you are looking for support for your DD. She isn't responsible for your DS's behaviour or emotions.

Can you see if your DD’s school runs the ELSA programme? It’s an emotional support programme that specially trained Senco’s and TA’s (I think) can offer to children needing emotional support for various reasons. My DS had a few months support with this last year and it helped him enormously.

Im so sorry OP. It must be really hard for you all. Is there an EHCP in place? Could residential school be an option?

@BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers Why is sleeping with mum at 7 years old a huge concern? You sound unhinged.

💐 not much help... but is there any sort of charity/ help for FAS parents you could join?

Have you spoken to her school? Is she displaying challenging behaviours there?

I only ask because we have a few children at my school who have siblings with significant SEN and it does impact in their behaviour in a myriad of ways. We pretty good at supporting both the children (through play/art therapy at school) and their parents. Obviously, we can't change their experiences at home but it might help you to feel less alone and more in control.

Have you spoken to her school? Is she displaying challenging behaviours there?

I only ask because we have a few children at my school who have siblings with significant SEN and it does impact in their behaviour in a myriad of ways. We pretty good at supporting both the children (through play/art therapy at school) and their parents. Obviously, we can't change their experiences at home but it might help you to feel less alone and more in control.

I saw upthread that someone mentioned “The Explosive Child” that was a really good book. A lot of books around supporting children who are neurodivergent I suspect will help with FASD too as there will be some overlap in the issues.

But it is also obvious that you already do practice very therapeutic parenting so personally I think this will all come together and this is just a stage as your children’s needs diverge. We have had those along the way at various different stages of development with our 3, 2 of whom have ASD and one traits.

You are doing amazing. It is always an ongoing learning process for children but especially for children with AN.

Did you adopt your DS as a baby or did he come into the home after your DD? Young carers could be really helpful for your DD.

Hi OP.

You may be able to find support and resources for your daughter through this charity.

www.sibs.org.uk/

My son does not understand that he is doing anything wrong. He is removed from her, we comfort my dd and make ds sit in (rather than sit out, for a child with trauma it causes extra problems if the child is "sent away" )
My dd has always snuck into our bed. Sje has her own room. Ds cannot go to her room in the night.
I don't think you quite understand that he has fasd. This means he is brain damaged.

Sorry the above was aimed at @BellatrixLestrangesHeatedCurlers .
Trying to give the extra info for other people. Ds came to us as a toddler. A year and a half later I had my dd (I was told i was infertile)
Ds does not have an ehcp. I'm currently having to do it myself as school say he is academically fine. 😪 there are times when ds is fine. It is not constabt.
I will talk to school. They are not particuarly supportive of ds. I'm hoping they will help with dd.

@scarfonthestairs It’s hard balancing the needs of two children especially if one has additional needs. It’s exhausting and we can often be running in empty ourselves especially when considering working and running the house too. Can you let standards slip? Take some leave from work? Employ a cleaner? Just thoughts to help manage everything