My son has sen, my daughter is struggling to cope and it's affecting her behaviour

[scarfonthestairs]

I honestly don't know what to do to help her.
My son is 10. He is adopted and has fasd. He is v clever , attends mainstream school but has huge emotional issues. Still is like a toddler. Can have huge meltdowns, doesn't understand how hard he hugs etc. Honestly is like an overly emotional duracell bunny.

My daughter is 7 and not adopted. She is a kind caring girl. However, she is overly emotional, strops, shouts ,moans constantly.
I know, I absolutely know that she is copying some of ds behaviour, that she feels incredibly jealous of ds.

Ds has a day of respite once a month. We try to spend extra time with dd. I don't raise my voice. I'm kind, caring with her.
At the same point I'm shattered, I work 4 days a week. My dh works full time and goes above and beyond at home. We are shattered.
Dd ends up sleeping in our bed most nights. She clings to me. We can't sleep well.
I feel life is such a mess. I want to help dd to go back to how she was. But I know she has such a hard time. I don't feel I'm a good mom to either of them.

Hi @scarfonthestairs

I’m an adopter but don’t have a birth child as well so can’t offer any advice on that side of things.
My feeling is that you need to tackle this on three fronts.

firstly you as parents One of you needs to get signed off so you can focus on the home front.

Secondly your son - Do you get DLA for your son - if not you must apply for it - it could help to pay for things to make life a bit easier like a cleaner.
You desparately need support in managing the impact of his FASD. Are you plugged into any support groups for FASD? Is anyone helping you with the EHCP. Do you know about the Adoption Support Fund - you can access this to fund therapy for your son.

I think you need to think very carefully about whether mainstream school is the right place for him- particularly as he is approaching secondary age. Transition to secondary can be the tipping point for a lot of kids.
Have you been in contact with Post Adoption Support? Virtual school should also be able to help.
About his meltdowns - do you know what triggers them? Prevention is always better.
My son has ASD and I completely recognise the duracell bunny! To be honest I used to run him into the ground with exercise - wore him out and calmed him down. Trampoline in the garden was a huge benefit, as was swingball - good for him to bash at. Swimming also had a hugely calming effect on him.
Your daughter - she is obviously being impacted by your son’s behaviours, the best thing you can do for her is to manage him better.

Lastly - you are not a bad mum, but you are tired and overwhelmed mum badly in need of some support

Managing two children with very different needs is very hard. I would make sure she learns mindfulness techniques (C. Kerr's guided meditations for kids are very good) to find ways to regulate her emotions, because things will not get easier during the teenage years... Maybe you could sign her up for martial arts, so she can feel strong and has a physical outlet?

For emotional regulation "Life Story Work with Children Who are Fostered or Adopted: Creative Ideas and Activities" offers quite a few tasks that might also be helpful for your daughter (building a sense of safety, emotional literacy etc). My kids enjoyed the "Wild Ride to the Heart" game and the Zones of Regulation app. Libraries often have good recources for emotional literacy, eg. "The Great Big Book of Feelings".

You sound like a great mum to both of them. You are aware of their needs and challenges and you are trying to find the best ways to support them. Don't be too hard on yourself. The ASF funds parent therapy funded (therapeutic parenting support) or you could refer yourself for a parent/carer needs assessment to your LA. It might be worth a think to see what they have on offer.