What are my adoption chances?

[TwoTwitTuTu]

I am a single female turning 36. Own my own 2 bed home, work full time, financially stable. Would be able to take a year's leave and open to working part time after that.

Cons: no parents (estranged). or siblings around (only child). Close to extended family but they are not geographically close. I was informally fostered myself in my late teens due to neglect/ abuse and haven't been in touch with parents since. Have had loads of therapy and have a happy life now.

I have had a couple of romantic relationships which could have led to biological kids but I feel far more drawn to adoption, somehow it makes more sense to me emotionally. I feel like I would be able to give love and understand the reason for kids needing adoption.

So I have a support network, friends in the same city, but I don't have parents on hand to help all the time.

What do you think? Would I have a chance or does my history and family picture and single status mean it's unlikely?

Thanks in advance :)

I think you have a very good chance. It would be worth talking to your LA/preferred agency to see if there is anything else you can do to get you in the best position eg baby/toddler childcare experience.

wishing you the very best of luck

Thank you.

About ten years ago I did quite a lot of work with kids in the care system... But I'm not sure if that experience is too long ago to be relevant now?

I was wondering if my slim support network and family history might cause difficulty, so it's reassuring to know that you think I might have a chance. Thanks.

Hi @TwoTwitTuTu
I'm a single adopter.
It sounds like you will be in a good place to adopt.
Social workers aren't looking for perfect parents ( we don't exist!!). Most of us have something in our lives, what matters is how you have dealt with things.
It will be a massive plus that you have had therapy and addressed issues in your past.
I don't have a huge family, those that I have are supportive but live a few hours away, so not much help on a day to day basis.
I was also 'estranged' from my now deceased father and at the time of my assessment had not seen him for 20 years.
So as far as your support network goes think through different scenarios - who can give you emotional/ moral support, who can give you practical support, who can you turn to in an emergency.
All adopters will tell you that your support network changes when you adopt, you met other parents, make new connections.
Social workers will want to see that you can maintain relationships- my friends are mostly 15 years + standing. But they will also want to see that you are open to making those new connections.
Social workers will want to explore your past with you - be open and honest and you will be fine.
Nothing you have said would be a barrier to adoption.

It is worth shopping around to find an agency, you will feel more affinity with some than others.
Good luck !

Ps I was 47 when my son came home, you are a spring chicken compared to me!

Thank you so much, that's hugely helpful. Lovely to hear your story. I think I am a little worried about who might be able to realistically provide me with practical support as my friends, while long standing, are very spread out and extended family also live a few hours away.

It sounds like you have made it work :)

Can I ask about your son? Was he school age, or younger? Did you find the transition difficult? Sorry for the questions, I am just very new to this!

@TwoTwitTuTu

You need to be imaginative with your support network, so if you had an emergency is there a neighbour or work colleague who could help out whilst you were waiting for friends or family to arrive.
My SW was also happy with - know I don't have anyone to help with school run but I will make it a priority to make mum friends at school.
Everyone's experience is of course different but my personal experience was in the early days moral and emotional support was more important than practical support. By the time I wanted baby sitters etc I had made new connections and could find what I needed

I knew I always wanted a school age child - all my friends had school age kids, I knew I needed to work and childcare is horrendously expensive. In my head I was probably thinking 5 or 6. My son was nearly 8 when he came home - not what I was expecting at all, but he was so much the right child. He is 18 now, doing fabulously well and off to uni in September.
Now he is older, its very interesting to get his perspective on things ! Most transition to an adoptive will have their ups and downs, some more than others. The early days can be very tough. Its a time to get your head down and push through.

Everything that @Ted27 said, there’s nothing that would prevent you from adopting and many strengths that will be of huge value to the child/ren that might be placed with you.

What I would say is having your own children can bring up all sorts of feelings about the way you were parented, so be prepared for that and think about support you might need, eg further therapy if necessary. Good luck in your journey.

I would echo what the others have said about thinking about how you could develop a practical, nearby support network if/when you have a child placed. For me at one point it was one of the Sunday School volunteers at church, later it was DD2's best friends parents who were also neighbours. A Brownie leader was also a huge support - in her work life she was an Occupational Therapist so understood DD2 very well, I couldn't have predicted that Brown Owl would be an experienced paediatric OT, but wouldn't have found out if I hadn't taken the initiative of looking into Brownies. Now it is a friend I made walking the dog in the local park, who has a teen of the same age and lives up the road. The more local groups/activities your are involved with the more chances of making those connections.

Also, as a single adopter, I would encourage you to consider adopting an 'older' child - older in adoption terms 😀school is often the time a child's needs become more apparent as there are more external demands being made, so although it isn't a magic ball there can be more information about likely support needs (plus the opportunity to get e.g. an EHCP in place while the child is still in care and the LA has a legal responsibility towards them).

Plus it is an age where getting involved in activities such as Scouts/Brownies, sports clubs etc is more possible, which gives you and them access to more informal channels of support.

Then, child care is expensive, and to be realistic as a single adopter I needed to work.

Also, older children are seen as 'hard to place', so while there may still be an in-built preference for a two-parent family if possible, if you are willing to consider a 'hard to place' child then you might be a more attractive proposition for an LA/agency. If you have a positive preference, even more so!

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you, that's really helpful and thanks for sharing your story!

That's a good point. I have actually been having therapy specifically to talk about decisions around family and children so that's really helpful as a suggestion.

That's really interesting, thanks. Good point about there being more information available about older children. I hadn't really considered that.

Can I ask what age you think an older child would be, as in what counts as an 'older' child?

Thanks for sharing

@TwoTwitTuTu
in adoption land ‘older ‘ usually means 4 and above. Very few children are adopted over the age of 8.

just on the harder to place thing. Harder to place does not necessarily mean harder to parent.
My son ticked every hard to place box going - mixed race, boy, age, autism.
Compared to some of my friends who had ‘easy to place’ babies he has been a dream, though not without challenges.
some children can be deemed hard to place because they need to be placed out of county for security reasons.
My advice when considering children is to be as open minded as possible and look at the individual child.

My two were 4 and 6 when placed, and were considered hard to place, in reality they are easy to parent all things considered. There are some challenges but we went into it having a good idea of what they would likely be because there was a lot of information and assessment already. I agree about being open minded about individual children and not be too wedded to a particular age range.

Thanks. That seems quite young to me still so that's nice to hear.

Thank you

@TwoTwitTuTu

Yes 4 -6 is still young, but this is adoption land which often resembles a parallel universe 😀

Can I ask... I have been thinking about becoming an IV / independent visitor for some time. I have just submitted my application. I think it would be good experience. Would adoption agencies be likely to count this as useful experience, or would something like brownies be better as it's not so one on one?

Thanks.

@TwoTwitTuTu

Childcare experience is a hotly debated issue. I've never met an adopter yet that didn't think the whole childcare experience thing was a tick box exercise. It doesn't matter what you do, nothing is like bringing a little stranger home and building a life with them.
Lots of people do Brownies, Scouts etc ' it's fine as far as it goes. I'm sure being an IV would be fabulous experience and far more useful.
It's one of those issues were agencies have different approaches, some will be more open to the limitations of a few months spent with nice well adjusted and attached little girls set against the terrified little bundle of joy you will have.
Worth chatting about it when you go to information evenings to see what their take on it is.

Oh Ted I'm sorry I'm an adopter who thinks childcare experience is really helpful,the more the better.defo nothing prepares you for the reality but I feel the more you see kids doing bonkers stuff the less you have to worry when it's your own doing it!for me it's been helpful anyway!
To OP you sound a fab adopter.i always recommend joining adoption UK and think they have solo adopters zoom meet ups which may be helpful to you and their prospective adopter zooms are really helpful!good luck!

@tonyhawks23

As I said hotly debated !! It depends what and how much you do really.
spending any time with children is great Brownies etc is better than nothing, but it's really not childcare.
Interestingly, my very first SW totally dismissed the vast quantities of time I spent with my god daughter when I was completely responsible for her. She did think that the hour a week I did with a school garden club, which whilst great fun and I wouldn't have missed it for the world, was really more like herding cats and was not 'childcare'

That made me laugh,herding cats!I do often say I'm a Shepard these days,herding them around everywhere!

@tonyhawks23

I realise my last sentence didnt make sense,
The SW concerned set more store by the hour a week herding cats/kids than the time I spent with my god daughter and her brother

I would recommend any child care experience that involves being embarrassed by judgemental people in public 😂 my wonderful DD2 - she is genuinely wonderful, both my lovely girls are - had among other moments a complete toddler meltdown as an 8-year-old when we were out for a meal. I took her outside and cuddled her for the best part of half an hour, getting lots of disapproving looks from other parents for 'indulging' her.

We have just had a specialist post-adoption assessment for various issues, which came back with the conclusion that DD2 has the gold standard 'secure attachment' to me! She trusts me to meet her needs and knows she can rely on me.

But I had huge amounts of judgement to battle through (including a school where I was told I needed to remember 'you are her mother, not her friend' because I put her long-term well being above trying to enforce homework).

Thankfully she is now in a school with a fantastic SEN dept and is flourishing.

Any parent of a child who has any sort of additional need has to get used to being criticised, sadly. You need to educate yourself on your child's needs, and then have the independence to parent them according to their needs, despite the criticism of less well informed people.

Thank you! I'll look into adoption UK. Thanks for your help :)

I can imagine that's true, I'm sure people can be quite limited in their understanding and say unhelpful things.

Thanks so much :)

I'll try adoption UK.

I also have my first IV initial meeting with Coram on Monday, so that should be interesting!