What are my adoption chances?

[TwoTwitTuTu]

I am a single female turning 36. Own my own 2 bed home, work full time, financially stable. Would be able to take a year's leave and open to working part time after that.

Cons: no parents (estranged). or siblings around (only child). Close to extended family but they are not geographically close. I was informally fostered myself in my late teens due to neglect/ abuse and haven't been in touch with parents since. Have had loads of therapy and have a happy life now.

I have had a couple of romantic relationships which could have led to biological kids but I feel far more drawn to adoption, somehow it makes more sense to me emotionally. I feel like I would be able to give love and understand the reason for kids needing adoption.

So I have a support network, friends in the same city, but I don't have parents on hand to help all the time.

What do you think? Would I have a chance or does my history and family picture and single status mean it's unlikely?

Thanks in advance :)

I have to admit that I did wonder how relevant brownies really would be, but then I suppose some experience is better than none and kids do vary, maybe not all brownies are well adjusted for all I know!!😂

The other thing I wondered if I could ask you about is my housing. I own my own 2 bed flat, one bathroom, with a small balcony but no garden. I'd have a single room for the child (although I suppose they could have the bigger double room if that was a good idea for some reason).

It's not a huge flat or anything and obviously the idea of a house with a garden is lovely and seems more oriented towards a child. Of course I'd have to move and probably move somewhere cheaper to be able to find that and I'm slightly reluctant as I think where I am works well, but would it be better to have more space? I wonder, would a SW prefer a house with a garden? Maybe I'm overthinking it!

Your home sounds absolutely fine, many children don’t live in a house with a garden and I don’t know any social worker that would object to a child being in a flat. You have space for them to have their own room, which is essential, and you can access parks and public outdoor spaces.

On the childcare front, I’m someone who thinks it’s not a worthwhile use of adopters time. Sending someone off to do reading in school, or the brownies or whatever doesn’t actually prepare you for parenting a traumatised child. It costs the agency money to recruit and train someone who realistically is unlikely to stay after their child is placed. It’s a neat, free, way for social workers to evidence commitment to children generally and is also a handy way to slow down the process if deadlines are looming and the workers capacity is limited to complete in time. But none of that is about actually caring for your own child.

I think if social work want you to have relevant childcare experience they should provide you with opportunities to volunteer in their own services, eg befriending children who are looked after, which would say much more about your ability to form meaningful 1:1 relationships with a traumatised child. They won’t do that though because ethically it treats the child as a commodity and they wouldn’t have the resources to train and support potential adopters properly. But they’ll do that with other children and childcare organisations.

I think if someone has an interest in volunteering with children, they’ll go and do it, which is great but compelled volunteering isn’t volunteering.

Thanks, that's really helpful.

I am currently going through the interview process to be an independent visitor, which is befriending a child in care, so probably a bit more similar to the experience you are suggesting?

Adoption seems like such a long process and I keep wondering if I should try and move house to live closer to someone I know so that my support network would be stronger, but it's really not obvious to me where exactly that place would be, and moving house is such a huge deal.

If you adopt a school age kid do they often end up moving school if they are placed with you?

@TwoTwitTuTu

It's quite common for children to move schools. Many children are placed out of county so staying in the same school isn't an option.
My son had to move, adds to the upheaval but he managed ok.
We are still in touch with one of his teachers from his original school - we are meeting her for lunch next week to celebrate him going to uni.

If you can't think of anywhere obvious to move then stay put. Focus on developing the the links that you do have locally- often it's presentation. My SW was beside herself when I told her my neighbour is a nurse - we were neighbourly, but far from being friends but the Sw was happy!
Why don't you see if AUK has a local group near you that you could join - you will gravitate towards adopters anyway.

You do of course have us in your support network now - I met some of my now closest friends on line

I agree with @Ted27 stay put unless there’s somewhere obvious to move where you’d have support. Your support networks will change organically post adoption - my strongest supports are people I didn’t even know pre-adoption.

‘On the childcare front, I’m someone who thinks it’s not a worthwhile use of adopters time. Sending someone off to do reading in school, or the brownies or whatever doesn’t actually prepare you for parenting a traumatised child. It costs the agency money to recruit and train someone who realistically is unlikely to stay after their child is placed. It’s a neat, free, way for social workers to evidence commitment to children generally and is also a handy way to slow down the process if deadlines are looming and the workers capacity is limited to complete in time. But none of that is about actually caring for your own child.

I think if social work want you to have relevant childcare experience they should provide you with opportunities to volunteer in their own services, eg befriending children who are looked after, which would say much more about your ability to form meaningful 1:1 relationships with a traumatised child. They won’t do that though because ethically it treats the child as a commodity and they wouldn’t have the resources to train and support potential adopters properly. But they’ll do that with other children and childcare organisations.’

Amen to the above @Jellycatspyjamas , I wish more assessing social workers were more enlightened. Did the squillions of free hours I spent babysitting the multiple babies and children of numerous friends prepare me for life as the parent of an adoptive teen who is now profoundly disabled (in later life) due to her in utero experiences? Did they buggery! Nor did they prepare me for life with an adopted teen who is ANGRY because of her early life and who is more explosive than Mount Etna - on a daily basis, to the extent that we are on first name terms with nearly all the police at our nearest station. It’s such a lazy, irrelevant, short-sighted and hoop-jumping request.

That's lovely! :)