Dilemma - worried adoption won't happen for me

[rihanna4]

Hello - I'm 39, single and have always wanted to adopt. However I'm concerned it could take me years to adopt and/or I may not get approved to adopt at all. Factors against me are: I'd be a solo adopter; relatively little childcare experience; not sure my support network will be enough.

Therefore, I'm (hurriedly) looking into IVF so that I can freeze embryos hopefully and have another option for starting a family in case adoption doesn't happen for me. This would need to be done asap as my ovarian reserve is diminishing.

My dilemma is that the expense of IVF doesn't sit well with me in circumstances where I want to adopt, but at the same time it would be risky to put all of my eggs in the adoption basket.

I'd be grateful for any views/comments/experiences. I guess what I really want to know is how hard might it be to adopt.

Thanks in advance

Hi there @rihanna4

I’m a single adopter.

Firstly I was several years older than you ! I was 47 when my son came home.
Adopters are often a bit older because they may have been through infertility treatment etc.

It is quite rightly not easy to adopt, the process is rigorous but thousands of us do it every year.
You can get more childcare experience, many people do some volunteering with cubs, scouts, guides etc, do you have family or friends with kids that you can borrow?
Support network is important but I would stress quality over quantity. But also think about what kind of support you would need - emotional, practical, who would you call in an emergency, who could babysit for an evening. Be imaginative, neighbours? work colleagues? Being part of a forum like this - all helps. Again this is something you can develop. When you do adopt your network will change and expand anyway, mine is much bigger than when I started. They are looking for two things really - evidence that you can sustsain long term relationships - so I had a couple of uni friends and someone else I’d known for 10 years. What’s just as important is that you show you are open to new friendships and finding support.
Other things to think about are

• having secure accommodation - owned or rented
• financial stability
• how will you fund adoption leave - most social workers will want you to take a year off when a child is placed.
• how flexible is your work - how family friendly is your job? could you go part time if you needed to?
• chilcare options

All of this might influence things about the child you look to adopt. Childcare is hideously expensive, as a single adopter I knew I would need to go back to work, that and other factors led me to adopting a school age child. Social workers may be concerned about the IVF thing - they expect total commitnent to adoption - so if you are unsure about it, it may be worth rethinking that. There is no reason to think you can’t adopt. Yes it tough but thousands of us do it good luck

Thank you @Ted27 .

I am struggling with the childcare experience due to my long working hours. I'll be able to take on a less demanding role when I become a parent, but for the time being I need to keep going with it to secure myself financially. Meanwhile, it's been harder than I anticipated to babysit friends' and relatives' kids. For example, I believe that my brother trusts me with his children, and they enjoy when I babysit them, but my brother doesn't take me up on the offer to babysit very often. I'm a bit baffled by this and it's one of the things that has knocked my confidence about the adoption process.

Do you think I should request a chat with an LA/VAA and ask them for an early indication of how eligible I am, what further work I'd need to do to get approved etc? If I had such chat, would it be dangerous in your view if I were open and honest with the LA/VAA about my IVF predicament?

What was your reason for adopting at 47 and not earlier, if you don't mind the question?

Hi @rihanna4

I hadnt quite intended to be that old!
I started thinking about it when I was 40, firmly decided by the time I was 42. It did take me a year or so to sort my finances out, do a bit of work on the house, lose a bit of weight.
I had a few delays when I got going, primarily because my job wasn’t right as a single adopter, didnt pay enough, hours not right, only paid statutory adoption pay and leave. I loved that job but it just didnt work, I got a job in the civil service which paid a lot more, which made going part time easier, hours were right, very flexible etc.

Quite often when people are starting out, they arent quite in the right place and they may take a year or so before they can get going. Its not about being ‘perfect’ but putting yourself in the best position. My job, much as I loved it, just didnt stack up for me as a single parent, it took a while for the right role to come up.
Lots of people struggle with the childcare experience and some agencies make more of a deal about it than others. You just have to find a way. Scouts etc are in the evenings, use annual leave?
Have you spoken to your brother at all about adopting, most parents have to juggle childcare in the school holidays - what about offering to have them for a few days at Easter, the summer or teacher training days ?
Agencies usually have open events for prospective adopters so its well worth going to a few and having a chat. I don’t think it would be harmful to your chances to mention the IVF. The most they would probably say is come back in 6 months when you have made your mind up.

What they don’t want is to risk spending time and money asessing someone who they don’t perceive as fully commited because they are holding an insurance card. They also want you to be honest with them - pretty much any ‘issue’ can be worked through and resolved.

Its well worth shopping around for the right agency for you, it is a two way process and you have to feel you can trust an agency to support you. One of the reasons I was delayed was because I had a huge bust up with my agency and had to switch and start again - my first SW it seems didnt quite approve of single adopters so it was a battle from the start - I wish I’d known I could be a bit choosy.
There is very little that woulds you ineligible to adopt - they don’t like smokers, some make a huge deal over BMI, criminal convictions are the big areas.

Thanks @Ted27 !

I need ti have a conversation with my brother. I haven't told him I'm hoping to adopt and that's why I keep offering to babysit! He and I are close, but for some reason it's a difficult topic for me to talk to him about.

Yes, I accept I'll just have to find a way to get childcare experience. Challenging though...

It's the IVF which is my insurance card. It's a very expensive one though and I'd much rather put the money towards a future as an adopter. Just scared I'll end up childless as the adoption hurdles are daunting.

Really appreciate your detailed comments and encouragement. Thank you

I went down the ivf route before I adopted, wrongly thinking I would be at the bottom of the pile as a single adopter. The IVF was successful twice but ended in miscarriage both times. If I am honest, I felt a deep sense of relief as well as sadness after the second miscarriage as I realised that I hadn’t wanted a birth child, I only wanted to adopt. I know it sounds strange but it’s honestly how I felt and still do. I waited the obligatory 6 months before applying and the process, while intense, was very manageable. Beautiful DD came home 9 months later as a newborn (fta).
The £25k I spent on ivf was worth every penny as the time the whole process took meant DD were ready at the same time. I wouldn’t change things for the world.

best of luck to you.

@Christmasbahhumbug thank you. I am in a similar boat to the one you were in, by the sound of it. I'm also facing about £25k for IVF and I'm really struggling with the concept of such a huge expenditure when I would be very happy adopting.

How much, and what type of, childcare experience did you have?

@rihanna4

my personal view is if you want to adopt just go for it.

there are no guarantees for IVF, £25k seems like a huge gamble to me. Having that sort of money in the bank would make a huge difference to your life with a future adopted child

I know many adopters for whom IVF did not work out. I have always seen adoption as the safe bet.

We never went for IVF, so I can tell my children that having a birth child wasn't that important to us. We tried, it was tricky, we adopted. They are happy about that. In case you decide for IVF, I would keep in mind that it might bring losses with it. That takes an emotional toll.

I do know several women who have had childen via IVF with sperm donors from Denmark. Soon, I think, Denmark will have an inoffical population of 16 Million... ;-)

My DH and I had no childcare experience at all, and we were never asked to get any. I know a lot of adopters in my area and I don’t know any who were asked to get some. Perhaps this is an agency/regional thing.

@WhoopItUp Interesting... thank you. Are you able to share more details regarding which agency/LA you were with / what region / when it was? Totally understand if you don't want to share though...

@Ted27 thanks for your view - it's really appreciated. I'm toying with such massive decisions.

@onlytherain thank you! Interesting that you see adoption as a safe bet.

I would say not to minimise the importance of child care experience, its not just a tick box thing its a really important part of knowing how to look after them, what to expect in a range of different situations from a range of different ages etc, being comfortable and confident in caring for them-as its really really really tough at the beginning and youd be really thrown in the deep end without the experience, honestly everything helps. things like what to do when they meltdown in the supermarket, or throw up in the back of the car, hit someone at soft play, wont eat, wont sleep, or anything like that, just having dealt with situations before makes it much easier when they are yours and they need to see you as their safe person and its 24/7. So I would focus on gaining this. Id speak to your brother, hed probably love to organise some routine babysitting, its hard to organise adhoc stuff as kids are busy to organise their lives and need routine so will be not easy for him to make up random dates maybe but would maybe love a one night a week thing or something?
Maybe if you are planning to move jobs before adopting you could set aside in between time where you spend a full bit of time in between jobs volunteering somewhere, or in the mean time find a local volunteer place like football clubs, brownies, forest school, church toddler group etc etc that you could do weekly?

On the IVF yes I think they just say come back in 6 months time before starting as they need to be definite and your first choice. As costs them a lot to invest in you with social worker time.
Adoption UK have a solo adoptors zoom meet up i think so may be worth chatting there?
Good luck! Its worth it in the end!

Adopting as a single parent isn’t in itself a barrier. If you’re swithering about IVF I’d not go down that route - having a financial cushion will give you options which will help with adoption.

things like what to do when they meltdown in the supermarket, or throw up in the back of the car, hit someone at soft play, wont eat, wont sleep, or anything like that, just having dealt with situations before makes it much easier when they are yours and they need to see you as their safe person

The reality is you don’t get that kind of experience volunteering with brownies or scouts or most of the other volunteering experiences out there. Even caring for your brothers kids you won’t get most of that, because it’s part of family life rather than usual babysitting stuff. While there’s a lot made of gaining childcare experience the reality is absolutely nothing will prepare you for caring for your own child. I’d focus on building strong relationships with children in whatever setting, being able to be in their space, playing and listening to them, that shows you can relate to kids. Think about the children in your life and your relationship with them, how often you’re in their company etc rather than solo care of kids (though that won’t hurt).

There are hurdles with adoption but very few things can’t be navigated.

@tonyhawks23 and @Jellycatspyjamas thank you!

Just wanted to comment about your brother not taking you up on babysitting - it may be that he just likes his kids…

I recently left kids for a day to go to a wedding and it was the first time we had left them over night. Not only have we had a massive back step in many ways, I really missed them and just wanted to be with them!

I wouldn’t take anything personally from it! My brother continuously offers to look after kids and am sure the kids would be totally happy but I probably never would let it happen.

we are secondary school teachers and had absolutely no experience with little children - I’d taught a bit of recorder to reception, but not exactly childcare experience! I’m not sure it matters with all agencies - I’d check with agencies before making the decision that they won’t let you adopt!!

I should make it clear I wouldn’t let my brother look after them because I don’t want to leave them, then I don’t want to leave them with him………….

@Whenwilliberich thanks! Yes I do think it's largely because my brother likes being with his children. It has just knocked my confidence as getting childcare experience is going to be so hard. Anyway, i know the answer is that I'll just have to find a way...

I think I'll start talking to adoption agencies soon to hear their view.

I joined Adoption UK yesterday and the discussion forum on there didn't help my confidence on this issue. People who have worked with children all their lives say that the agencies sent them off to get more childcare experience.

I also appreciate and agree with @tonyhawks23 comment about not underestimating the genuine importance of getting experience.

Lots for me to contemplate...

Thanks again

Different agencies have very different views about childcare experience - I had very little but no problems throughout assessment or panel, and we brought our little girl home 4 months ago. Don't assume the forum posts are representative! Talk to an agency and find out what you'll actually need!

I think you mentioned above that you'd be willing to explain to your brother that you're hoping to adopt. Maybe he'd be happy for you to take one child at a time for an afternoon? It doesn't have to be hours and hours!

@rihanna4

I think its very important that when you speak to an agency that you dont see any suggestions that you do x,y, z as a rejection or comment on your suitability.
Its really not uncommon for people to realise that they need to sort a few things out before they get into the process - for me it was job and finances, for others it may lose weight, stop smoking. Making changes or getting more experience is not wasted time - its an opportunity for you to be in the best possible place.

@ScottishBeth thank you! Yes indeed, I think I should speak to agencies before I launch into any voluntary childcare work, to get some guidance on what type of experience and how much they think I need. Congrats on getting through the adoption process and bringing your little girl home.

@Ted27 Thanks for the encouragement. I think I'll feel better once I start talking to agencies. Currently I'm staring into the unknown and hypothesising, worrying, etc.

Another single adopter here! I am mum to a 15-year-old and a seven-year-old. Both came home as babies, in fact, DD2 was 12-hours old.

The main thing that jumps out at me from your posts is that you need to be prepared to start having difficult conversations if you go down the adoption route as every aspect of your life will be scrutinised, questioned and commented upon!

Personally, I think it’s utter bollocks - and an unimaginative tick-box exercise to ask potential adopters to gain volunteering/childcare experience - UNLESS you are able to help with children who are care experienced. I help with DD2’s Beavers pack and without exception, none of the children have been through the care system. Not one of the children has had the life experiences my DD has. In my view, your time would be better spent reading as many books as possible about adoption/trauma/foetal alcohol syndrome/therapeutic parenting etc etc.

IVF was never a consideration for me so adoption was my primary route to becoming a parent; I was never bothered about pregnancy and there are no Nobel prize winners in my family so I was never concerned to pass on my genetics! Would it help you to have some counselling/therapy to identify HOW you would prefer to try to become a parent? It’s okay not to want to trust your faith in the adoption process.

Another that had virtually no child experience prior to being approved as an adopter (we both have nieces and nephews and friends with young children but that's about it).

Our children have been with us 14 months on Monday...

I would completely agree with everything Ted has written - they speak much sense 😊

@EmmatheStageRat thanks for your detailed comment and the food for thought.

I'm researching counsellors now in fact. My mind is so busy...

I lost two family members last year suddenly and had a realisation that I want my own family. Prior to then, I knew I wanted to adopt but also thought I'd be OK with being childless if I never became ready for adoption or if other life stuff took over. Having started researching the adoption process towards the end of last year, it dawned on me that it could be so difficult to adopt that it may never happen (at least that is my worry), so I turned my mind - for the first time in my life - to the idea of having a child biologically. Having been assessed by a couple of fertility clinics in January, I'm advised that I have a reasonable chance of producing enough viable eggs to achieve a live birth in the future, statistically. But I'm advised to act fast as my fertility window could be gone by this time next year. It's a difficult moment for me and I wasn't expecting it as previously I have been positively against me having children biologically.

Sorry if that was a boring over-share! Good to get it off my chest

Well done you on raising two on your own