Dilemma - worried adoption won't happen for me

[rihanna4]

Hello - I'm 39, single and have always wanted to adopt. However I'm concerned it could take me years to adopt and/or I may not get approved to adopt at all. Factors against me are: I'd be a solo adopter; relatively little childcare experience; not sure my support network will be enough.

Therefore, I'm (hurriedly) looking into IVF so that I can freeze embryos hopefully and have another option for starting a family in case adoption doesn't happen for me. This would need to be done asap as my ovarian reserve is diminishing.

My dilemma is that the expense of IVF doesn't sit well with me in circumstances where I want to adopt, but at the same time it would be risky to put all of my eggs in the adoption basket.

I'd be grateful for any views/comments/experiences. I guess what I really want to know is how hard might it be to adopt.

Thanks in advance

@claireb7rg Thanks for sharing. That's really encouraging. I hope it's all going really well.

@rihanna4 I felt similar, I think. When I got married (to a woman - I am also a woman) I really didn't know if I wanted children at all, I was really stuck, and felt under loads of pressure, trying to make this decision.

I had ruled out adoption many years previously, but then suddenly adoption got ruled back in. And I think ultimately it wasn't that I wasn't sure if I wanted a family, it was that I didn't want IVF, or other fertility treatments.

Then after we started assessment I became worried it would never happen for us. I have a history of mental health issues, there are some family issues and I had some other health problems during assessment. But by this time I was so certain I wanted a family that it crossed my mind we'd have to get fertility treatment.

I don't know if I'm out of place saying this, but it seems to me that you should pursue the assessment for adoption. From the information session and the initial visit you should get a good idea if there is anything which might hinder you, and if there is then you can reassess fertility treatment.

But if no major issues come up then, and you are willing to jump through lots of hoops (at times the assessment is frustrating), then it seems likely itll be worth proceeding. But if you have some eggs frozen that likely will complicate any assessment.

Hi if you're not already start following Adoption Resources UK on Instagram. If you're not on Instagram I highly recommend joining as there's a huge adoption community on there. This Instagram page will give you so much advice and info, there's whole posts about being approved, getting childcare experience, Panel, free training
and book suggestions.

@ScottishBeth thanks and no it's not out of place for you to say that; I appreciate you airing your opinion. Also, it's helpful to read about your experience as it means I'm not alone in this dilemma.

I also worry that having eggs/embryos in the freezer would make adoption agencies wary of me. Depending on how you look at it, it would be messed up of an agency to require somebody to sacrifice their fertility permanently in order to adopt. Younger fertile adopters aren't required to do that and some of them go on to have a bio baby after adopting.

@swizzlestix Thank you! I have now followed that IG page and you're right, it's really good.

@rihanna4 we were asked about contraception on one of our initial visits and told that in order to proceed, we need to be sure that we didn’t want another birth child. This was a huge part of our assessment and years later, I know conceiving would be hugely detrimental to my children and so for us, adoption means no more birth children and I am ok with that. I made that decision when I started the adoption process. It’s not unique to your situation but a given that if you start the adoption process, you will be committed to that child

@rihanna4 , I hope that counselling/therapy brings the answers you are looking for. Adoption is a massive leap of faith and I understand why agencies need to be reassured that prospective adopters are not doubly hedging their bets. However, how would agencies know that you were twin tracking IVF, unless you told them? It’s a murky world of shades of grey rather than black and white.

Adopter friends lost a parent in the week before introductions; they knew that introductions would be suspended if they shared this information so they chose not to. Introductions went ahead (the funeral was managed on a rest day) and the adopted young person is 17, the placement has thrived for 15 years. Yes, they were economical with the truth but they wanted to have agency over their own decisions and lives. Also, their reasoning was that if they had birth children, they would need to manage new life plus death; personally, I could never fault their logic.

@EmmatheStageRat Thanks - appreciate your comments. Since IVF is my hedge, not adoption, it's frustrating to me to know that agencies may view eggs in the freezer as a lack of commitment to adoption. The agencies' logic surely can't be that they only want adopters who have exhausted all other avenues to having children and are turning to adoption as the last resort...? Or is that indeed what they want? (Genuine question.)

I anticipate that agencies would ask whether I have explored trying to have a child biologically, and that's how the IVF discussion would arise. It's also mentioned in my NHS GP records, which I believe would be disclosed during assessment?

Why might your friends' loss of their parent have meant that introductions would have been suspended?

@rihanna4 , I’m not sure and the discussion was never had as my adopter friends did not disclose the bereavement but the sense was very much that there would be a prescribed period of mourning and that introductions would be put on hold. Ironically, the couple who made the decision to withhold the information about their bereavement are both senior social workers in adoption.

@rihanna4

It isn't so much that adoption is a last resort, it's that you have come to terms with not having birth children.
Also from an SWs point of view, a lot of time and money is invested in the assessment process, they don't to waste that if you have a pregnancy.
The situation Emma raises is interesting- not sure I'd have made the same one. I"m not saying they were wrong, depends on the individual circumstances.
My father died in the middle of matching- but we were 'estanged' as they say. I didn't see why the death of a man I hadn't seen for 20 years should affect me - my SW was totally baffled though. I've just been approved as a foster carer and will have a young person placed in the next month or so. My mum is very unwell, as is my step dad. I've also supporting my son with his uni applications. At times I feel very overwhelmed by it all. I have thought about putting the fostering on hold for a few months- but have decided to crack on.
Intros are really tough, full of emotion, surreal at times. I asked for ours to be delayed a week as Mothers day fell in the middle and I didn't want him to be confused or conflicted. Some people have relatively easy intros, for others it's a nightmare.
I can understand why SWs would want to delay with such a close bereavement.

Adoption is very complex.
I was going to suggest though that you might start thinking about the positive things you could bring to adoption instead of dwelling on what you perceive to be issues

With regards to adoption being the last resort, I don’t think that’s the case. It’s about being sure it is the right choice for the family and that things have been worked through and considered. I have a birth child and an adopted child. My adopted child isn’t second best. He wasn’t the last resort. It’s important that he never feels like that either which is why it was discussed a lot during the assessment and panel and since. I think it’s important to think about what adoption is and what it means to you and whether it is how you want to add to your family or whether ivf is the way you want to add to your family. Neither is right or wrong, it’s such an individual choice and that’s why so much thought is put into it. It’s a big investment either way and utterly life changing and shouldn’t be made on a whim. Most people take months if not years thinking and planning before making the first step.

oh and none of us are perfect for adoption but we are good enough to pass the assessment and if it is something you really want to pursue, you can take as long as you want to get things in order before pursing adoption. Unlike fertility, there isn’t a upper age limit

@121Sarah121 , it’s the end of a long weekend and my comprehension skills are possibly not as tip-top as they ought to be but I don’t think the OP is suggesting that adoption is the ‘last resort’. As I say, it’s been a challenging weekend (with police involvement) so forgive me if I have it wrong. There will be adopters like me - a confirmed singleton - for whom adoption was/is the first resort, due to life circumstances, others for whom it is a middling compromise and then those for whom it is the final available option. That’s okay, isn’t it? There’s more than one way to skin a cat, as the saying goes.

I don’t think that anyone was saying that adopted children would be any less loved than adopted children?

Thanks @EmmatheStageRat and @121Sarah121 . Adoption is my first choice. My predicament is that if ultimately I'm unable to adopt for whatever reason then I won't be able to have a family at all as I'll be too old to do so biologically. So, I devised a tentative plan to freeze embryos via IVF to preserve my fertility in case I need it later, and then to embark on the adoption process. However freezing embryos as an insurance card has major consequences - financially, physically (IVF = hormone injections + a procedure under anaesthetic), ethically (in some countries frozen embryos are deemed people and are protected by the state, by way of example) and in terms of the fact that it could actually harm my application to adopt.

So, I'm interested in everybody's views on how hard it could be to get through the adoption process. This is to help me decide whether to proceed with the IVF or, alternatively, save my money and sanity (and body!...lots of hormones in IVF!) and put all my faith and "eggs" in adoption.

One of my big concerns is childcare experience. The responses I've received on here have been helpful. I believe my next step is to have a conversation with an agency.

Of course, I also have a lot of self-reflection to do about my resilience to deal with challenging behaviour, trauma, identity, and all the other issues in adoption. But this thread was really focused on how hard it is to get through the process more generally.

Everybody has been a very generous and helpful sounding board, by the way! It's much appreciated.

@EmmatheStageRat I hope all is well! Sorry to hear you've had a challenging weekend.

@EmmatheStageRat I hope you are ok and you’ve got lots of support around you.

i am not suggesting for a moment that adoption is last resort but it is often seen as that and there is a presumption that it is second best but for our family it wasn’t the case.

@rihanna4 I think you need to talk to a few agencies. None of us are perfect and have reasons that make us unsuitable but it’s considering if what we have is enough to make us successful as adoptive parents because it’s like parenting plus all the extras and for the sake of our children, it needs to be good enough

Thanks @Ted27 It's true that I haven't said much about my positives. I am reasonably confident that I'd be a good parent and that I should adopt if I can. Still got lots of reading and conversations to go though, and lots to reflect on still. But I have been reflecting on some of the issues, such as trauma and identity, albeit in slightly different contexts, my whole life. So, I believe adoption is my calling. It's just really daunting and a lot of adopters seem to work in related fields, whereas I don't.

Shall keep you all posted. Thanks again

I'd agree to have a chat with an agency... They differ slightly so it'd be a good idea to see if there are any open evenings coming up.
For childcare experience I'd recommend volunteering at a junior parkrun. It's less than an hour on a Sunday morning and you'd cross paths with all sorts of young people (admittedly only aged 4 to 14). I wouldn't have necessarily classed it as experience but our social worker did.
Sounds to me like adoption is definitely for you. Good luck xx