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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

ok ive found my birth mum what now?

33 replies

readyfornum2 · 05/02/2008 20:04

I am 25 and have a ds of 19 months and have been getting curious about my birth mum for a while now (have known I was adopted since I was 7)
Anyway I have found out that she married 3 years after she had me and that she has gone on to have 2 more children (a son 4 years after me and a daughter 6 years after)
I have also found out her address and it would appear that she still lives there.

I dont know what to do next, I know that the day the adoption went through she tried to pull out but didnt as she knew she couldnt give me the life she wanted but from what I can see they have joined the edited electorol (sp?) role and have an ex-directory number and I cant help but feel she is trying to tell me something?

I dont want to cause trouble for her family but I am curious as to who she is/where I came from etc

Would it be right to write her a letter and try and test the water? I think I could handle it if she didnt want to know me as I understand why she did it and have no negative feelings towards her but I feel that if she wanted to know about me I would be missing out by not doing it

What would you do?

OP posts:
TurkeyLurkey · 05/02/2008 20:06

Yes, got no experience of this but a letter is a good way forward, you are then giving her time to think about it before she decides how to respond.

Good luck.

JingleyJen · 05/02/2008 20:10

No experience here so just gut feeling -
I would write a letter keep it for a week and re-read it - then tweak if needs be.
then send her a letter and prepare to not hear anything at all. She may need some time.

Take it slowly if she does get in touch and perhaps suggest sticking to letters rather than phone calls to start with.

Good luck!

Troutpout · 05/02/2008 20:14

May have made this up..but am i right in thinking that there are people who will approach the person on your behalf ?.
Someone who tests the water for you iyswim.
Hopefully someone will be along in a moment and give you some proper info...rather than my crap
Best of luck anyway...

hifi · 05/02/2008 20:23

hi ready,i wouldnt advise you to approach her on your own. you should contact a local adoption agency and they will give you the info on how to proceed.there are registers where birth mothers say they willing to have contact with birth children.

where do you live? you will probably be appointed a social worker and be offered counselling.
theres loads of companys who can do this for you, they charge a fee, i would go with your local authority adoption service first though.

Boco · 05/02/2008 20:30

I have an adopted sister and I helped her to try and trace her birth mother. A social worker came and talked it all through and was there to help at each stage. With her it was a dead end as we couldn't find her - but someone like that may be able to give you some help and advice. Good luck.

fizzbuzz · 05/02/2008 20:36

I traced my birth mother. You are supposed to go through social services or an adoption organisation. They can approach your bm on your behalf, in a very subtle way.

However the point of 3rd part involvement is to counsel you. I think you HAVE to have counselling by law if you want to approach your bm.

I used After Adoption in Manchester as my counselling/intermediadry.

fizzbuzz · 05/02/2008 20:39

Also, don't try and predict what you may feel. You may think you could handle it if she wasn't interested, but the reality is very different. This is why counselling is required.

I found meeting my BM a big non-event. It was interesting in the terms of genetics etc, but am not in contact now, 11 years later.

Original poster
readyfornum2 · 05/02/2008 21:10

I dont have to have counselling because I was born after 1975.

I traced her using the marriage register and electrol role it was actually suprisingly easy!
I knew her date of birth and full name as she wrote me a letter to be given to me when I was told by my parents explaining why she gave me up.

Now I have the information I dont know what to do with it! I dont expect to have a proper relationship with her infact I dont expect anything. I love my parents and am thankful to my BM for giving me the oppourtunity to be brought up by them, I guess im just curious and wonder if she is too? the reason I went searching is because it was her birthday 2 weeks ago and it always makes me think about her.

OP posts:
KristinaM · 05/02/2008 21:46

i contacted my BM directly ( because i didnt know any better )and wouldn't advise it. i would do what hifi & fizzbuzz say - try to get someone to act as an intermediary. If you dont want to contact SS, you could use another counsellor or a lawyer. Or someone else you trust who is not personally involved ie not your partner or family members

try not to read too much into her being ex-directory - it could be for a million reasons not connected with you!

slug · 05/02/2008 21:52

Just a view from the other side. My mother gave a daughter up for adoption before going on to marry and have another family. 15 years ago she rang my mother up and announced herself. My mother was both terrified and hugely relieved. She had told my dad before they married but had never told us (we were a Catholic family) She later told me that the relief she felt in knowing her daughter had grown up happy and content was the thing that occupied her thoughts the most initially. She had also, to a certain extent, always expected the phone call.

It took my mum some time before she was brave enough to tell any of us, but one by one she did. We are now in frequent contact, she's come to several family weddings and is generally welcomed into the family with little fanfair. What I'm trying to say is it was a positive experience for me, my siblings and my Mother, but it took some time.

The fact that you had a good upbring and are grateful to her for giving you that opportunity is a good one to open with. A picture of her grandchild may also be a nce opener. Good luck.

itsahardknocklife · 05/02/2008 22:04

I think I would be itching to meet her if I were you, but there seems to be some sensible advice here from people that understand.

Although adoption is not involved in my story, my dad has a daughter 5 years before me, from a relationship prior to my mum. I'm not sure of the full reasons, but he had no contact with her from when she was 1 until a couple of years ago.
She wrote him a lovely letter, and enclosed a picture of her and her hubby and one of their two kiddies. My dad was pleased and now has regular contact.

However, although I was inially pleased and curious, I have only seen her once. She seems slightly disinterested in me (maybe rightly so, as it was her father she wanted to know afterall), but it did make me feel a bit displaced and like I lost a bit of my dad.

The timing didn't help either. She got in contact a week before my son was born. My son would have been my dad's first grandchild (although he has step-grandchildren via my mum) but suddenly he already had two.

Sorry for the ramble. I kind of feel better for letting it all out!

Good luck with whatever you decide x

KristinaM · 05/02/2008 22:08

IAHKL - its so helpful to read your story...its easy to think that its just one person contacting another, but of course its a whole complex web of people who are inter connected, but maybe dont even knwo it

itsahardknocklife · 05/02/2008 22:11

thanks, Kristina
I would never have dreamt of saying to my dad that I didn't want him to meet his other daughter - it is their relationship primarily, but yes, it does greatly affect other people too.
Readyfornum2, have you spoken to your adoptive parents about it?

Original poster
readyfornum2 · 05/02/2008 22:48

This is the thing I know that alot of people will eventually be involved if we did have contact.
I understand that she has a "new" family now and that they will probably be unaware of my existance and I dont want to do anything that would jeopardise that for her.

I havent spoken to my parents- when they told me I was adopted they said that if I ever wanted to trace her they would support and help me but I dont want to risk hurting them if it will come to nothing anyway IYSWIM?

But I still have questions and its only natural for me to be curious about her.
I would rather she turned round and said "Im sorry but that is in the past and I dont want to rake it up" than to spend more years wondering what if? if that makes sense?

OP posts:
itsahardknocklife · 05/02/2008 23:10

that does make sense, yes.
How about talking to your parents first? You'll need their support whatever happens.

madamez · 05/02/2008 23:12

I'm adopted too, and have never traced any of my biological relatives (though every now and again I decide I ought to, fiddle about with a few websites, get distracted and give up). I would really really strongly advise doing it through some sort of 'professional' in the first place, as they have ways of approaching your birth mother that aren't quite as scary as 'Hi. I'm the baby you had 25 years ago'.
Good luck with it, anyway.

KristinaM · 05/02/2008 23:12

i think that just because it might be hard & complex & you could be hurt- doesnt mean that you shoudnt do it.if thats what you want

if that makes sense

but if you are the kind of person who likes to think things through and be prepared, you might want to get some counselling first. personally i wish i had done that first rather than after contcating my BM

dingdong05 · 05/02/2008 23:15

I'm not much use when it comes to the ins and outs of adoption but it sounds like social services might be a useful resource to use. It's a sensitive thing, getting in touch, for both of you, and whether you have to get counselling or not, it may be useful to talk it over with someone before hand.

I would like to reiterate what Kristinam said about why she would be ex directory and on the edited electoral role, the most likely being she didn't want junk mail/phone calls! After all you found her pretty easily (as you said) and she's hardly been moving around to escape detection!

readyfornum2 it sounds as though you have already made up your mind to go for it, and I totally understand what you mean about spending the rest of your life thinking about it. Good luck, I hope it all works out well.

Original poster
readyfornum2 · 05/02/2008 23:15

KristinaM if you dont mind me asking what happened when you contacted her and how did you go about it?

OP posts:
Original poster
readyfornum2 · 05/02/2008 23:18

dingdong05 yeah I agree im probably reading too much into it but I also want to be careful not to cause any hurt so it did cross my mind that it may have been done for a reason

OP posts:
Original poster
readyfornum2 · 06/02/2008 10:16

omg I just found a picture of who I think is my half brother on facebook!! I can see a resemblance he hasnt got a profile himself but I was browsing other peoples profiles in the area and came across it!

I really need to step away from the computer lol

OP posts:
fizzbuzz · 06/02/2008 18:37

Adoptive parents do try to be supportive in theory, BUT in reality I think they find it very hard.

My mum always encouraged me to trace my bm, but when I did, she found it very hard, and didn't want to talk about it, although my bm was my REAL mum in every sense of the word.

Understandable, but it does make you feel like you are betraying someone. I think a lot of adopted children find this, and find it hard to deal with.......

Original poster
readyfornum2 · 07/02/2008 09:36

Yeah thats exactly it fizzbuzz I know they will feel slightly put out and hurt because when my brother tried to find his mum they were hurt (his case was slightly different though because he was number six that had been given up!)

I kinda want to see if anything would come of it before I said anything.

To be honest this is the bit that I am finding hardest with the decision because they have done so much for and always been there and I dont want to make them feel that im throwing it back in their faces

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 07/02/2008 09:53

I can only speak as an adoptive parent and how I would feel if DS traced his birth mother. Yes I probably would feel a bit hurt but probably more insecure and anxious BUT thats perfectly natural in the same way that you wanting to make contact with her is perfectly natural. It's not a reason at all to not to make contact. Their feelings on this don't trump yours!

I have said before on here and will probably say again, that the only people who had no choices in the adoption process were the children and as such have every right to start making some choices now. Your BM is part of your life story and you should try to make contact if its what you want. It's such a mistake trying to keep others happy by denying what you want. I'm not suggesting for a second that you ride roughshod over your parents feelings and it doesn't sound like you would. Be honest and upfront with them and they will learn to deal with how they feel about your contact. They must have considered it would happen - I have and DS is only 2!

Sadly in DS's case, I have already tried to trace his BM to discover she gave a false name and address and its unlikely that he will ever be able to find her. I found that sad because I discovered that however I feel about it, I do want whats best for him and feel sad that he will never be able to know the person who helped make the lovely boy that he is. That I might feel insecure about it if he had met her isn't really anything like as relevant in the grand scheme of things.

I'm sure your parents will feel the same way - just give them lots of attention whilst you're going through it to make sure they know that they are every bit as important to you even with your BM in the picture.

Good luck.

Acinonyx · 07/02/2008 19:23

I recommend you use an intermediary to make contact on your behalf - this can be done either by the postadoption worker at your local social services office or through Norcap:

www.norcap.org.uk/

I am adopted and have been with norcap for many years. They have a telephone hlepline and an intermediary service that might be very useful.