ok ive found my birth mum what now?

[readyfornum2]

I am 25 and have a ds of 19 months and have been getting curious about my birth mum for a while now (have known I was adopted since I was 7)
Anyway I have found out that she married 3 years after she had me and that she has gone on to have 2 more children (a son 4 years after me and a daughter 6 years after)
I have also found out her address and it would appear that she still lives there.

I dont know what to do next, I know that the day the adoption went through she tried to pull out but didnt as she knew she couldnt give me the life she wanted but from what I can see they have joined the edited electorol (sp?) role and have an ex-directory number and I cant help but feel she is trying to tell me something?

I dont want to cause trouble for her family but I am curious as to who she is/where I came from etc

Would it be right to write her a letter and try and test the water? I think I could handle it if she didnt want to know me as I understand why she did it and have no negative feelings towards her but I feel that if she wanted to know about me I would be missing out by not doing it

What would you do?

Hi readyfornum2, I was in exactly the same position as you last July - had obtained a copy of birth cert (in Scotland so no requirement for counselling session), had found birth mother on internet (as you say it was surprisingly easy) and was unsure as to what to do next. I decided not to go through a post adoption intermediary as I felt quite strongly that this was MY thing, and that if I was about to find out that my birth parents were both in the worst possible situation in life and wanted nothing whatsoever to do with me then I didnt want a virtual stranger telling me this.

I wrote a letter to her saying who I was, my date of birth and an assurance that I had no scores to settle and nor was I looking for a substitute family. I told her a little about me i.e. that I had a great life with my mum and that I was now happily married with two wee ones. I also said that I would like the opportunity to find out a little more about her and her life but that I understood if she didnt want this. I said that if she didn;t reply to this card then I would send her another at the end of August, then if she didn't reply to that I would not bother her again.

As others have said, it sounds as though you are fairly grounded about this, as I was and still am. Be prepared for your adoptive family to feel strongly - my mum has always maintained that she was happy for me to trace but come the actual event she has taken it quite badly and its taking her a while to come round.

My birth mother and father have been married for nearly 30 years (I was born when they were 16) and I have two birth sisters. We have met several times and are forming a really positive relationship because we all want to be part of each others lives.

Take it slowly and carefully, and be clear and vocal about what you want each step of the way. As kewcumber very wisely said - the adoptees are the only ones who get no choice in the matter and this is the one choice we do get.

Good luck in whatever you do, poppet!
x.

Hi Scotsbird thanks for your message x
Reading that feels like I wrote it myself because that is how I feel and basically what I have done! I decided like you that I would rather do it myself than have a stranger involved and have written her a letter like you I have assured her that I have no anger towards her and that I am happy. I have told her about my partner and son and that I understand if her family know nothing of me. I have asked that rather than ignore my letter could she reply even if it is to tell me to leave her alone as I would rather know and assured her that I will respect her decision.

Im glad things have worked out for you and I will go slowly and carefully and see what happens x

A little update!
I decided to go against the general consensus on here and write to my Birth Mum and today I have recieved a letter back!
She said that my letter came as a big shock but that she has always wondered if I would contact her. Her family know about me as she has never hidden it from them and she said that her Dad forced her to give me up or be made homeless but she said she could never forgive him and stopped all contact with him afterwards!
She has told me a little about her life and family and my half brother is going to be a Dad himself soon.
She says that her "heart leapt for joy after knowing I had located her"
She says that she wants contact with me and has given me her phone number but says that she understands if I just want contact by post for now.

I cant believe it really! I am going to take things slowly and I suppose I need to sit down with my parents and tell them what has happened infact I am more nervous about doing that than I was contacting my BM!!

Thanks all for the advice and support x

Heartwarming story, Readyfornum2. At least your BM's dad didn't make her have an abortion.

I guess your adoptive parents will want reassurance that they are the ones you see as parents. Good luck with telling them.

That's very good news readyfornum2. I hope it goes well with your adoptive parents too.

Scotsbird - my bparents also married after I was born and I have a bbro and bsis. It's been very up and down over the years: I don't regret it but it has been very diffiult in some ways. My adoptive parents also took it very badly.

This was a long time ago when intermediaries didn't exist and I sometimes think it would have been helpful if we had had one. It can be helpful especially in cases where there are diffiulties of some sort.

I gave my daughter up for adoption 21 years ago which broke my heart but I thought it best she grew up with a family and a brother who was also adopted. The adoptive parents kept the name that I chose at her birth which means for me. I think for me personally I would appreciate a letter. Turning up announced, or even a phone call I think I would find too traumatic. I wish you every success and hope that one day too my daughter will try and contact me.
Take care.

British Association for fostering and adoption will help you,i know you legally don't have to have counselling ,but i think just suddenly approaching her will not be the best way forwards,honestly. I was contacted by my birth mother,out of the blue(well,i knew i was adopted lol),by letter,when i was 21,she was completely wrong to do this,i think both legally and morally,but anyhow,i would get advice from thoses who deal with this stuff day in ,day out.

Excellent news rfnum2 ...am really glad to hear it is going well so far.

I guess you will have told your adoptive parents all about it now and I hope it went well. My mum has just been staying with me for the weekend and we talked about it all. She is MUCH happier about it, and I think it is the knowing that small things will always mark her out as my mum e.g. if i am in crisis I will always talk to her first, if I have good news to tell she will always be the first to hear it, my children ADORE her.

As I said, I believe that agencies do have their place in this process particularly when difficulties arise (as acinonyx mentioned), but I didn't feel that an agency was appropriate for me in my situation. It is fortunate that everyone involved is level-headed and realistic, and we all seem to have each other;s best interests at heart.

Rfnum2, I am excited for you ... be prepared ups and downs, and also for the fact that you might receive negative reactions as well as positive ones. Handled with care and tact this can be such a positive thing that's on the verge of happening!

Good luck!
x.