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Original poster

Normal doubts?

46 replies

ItchyEars · 08/01/2023 17:55

I'm a week into intros for the most adorable little one. In the moment I play with them and cope quite well, but when I come home I sit and worry I've made a terrible decision.

I do really stuggle from anxiety and over thinking

Please tell me this is normal?

OP posts:
ScottishBeth · 08/01/2023 18:15

Halfway through introductions I burst into tears at home with my wife and said, "It's too late to change our minds, isn't it?" Thankfully she said yes, it's too late. As we are now getting ready to apply for the adoption order.

It is totally normal to feel like this. Introductions are hard, and this is a huge life change for you. And the feelings might take a while to go away, but it doesn't mean you've made a mistake in doing this.

Original poster
ItchyEars · 08/01/2023 18:28

ScottishBeth · 08/01/2023 18:15

Halfway through introductions I burst into tears at home with my wife and said, "It's too late to change our minds, isn't it?" Thankfully she said yes, it's too late. As we are now getting ready to apply for the adoption order.

It is totally normal to feel like this. Introductions are hard, and this is a huge life change for you. And the feelings might take a while to go away, but it doesn't mean you've made a mistake in doing this.

Thanks, I'm glad to hear it's not just me.

I keep catching myself out, looking for things they might need, reading the books for specific things, thinking I can't NOT want this or I wouldn't bother?

Its just really daunting dealing with the reality because obviously they don't want to come live with this complete stranger! They are happy where they are and I'm the weirdo who's popped up a couple of times.

OP posts:
BAdopter · 08/01/2023 20:57

Think 95% of adopters feel this during intros, transitions and far in to the first few years of placement!
I also know many bio parents that feel like this during pregnancy and bringing baby home. It's a huge commitment and change to your life becoming a parent and worrying about whether your up to the job is completely normal. I'm still worrying about this now after 2 years of my lo being home.
Good luck and all those things you get told about looking after yourself during this time begin to make sense!

ScottishBeth · 09/01/2023 08:22

Yeah. I think while you're waiting for matching panel and around that sort of time you're so fixed just on the process, and so built up with excitement. When introductions actually start the normal doubts come back and it's actually a shock!

How old is LO? Do they understand what is happening?

Original poster
ItchyEars · 09/01/2023 11:26

Nearly 3. Probably the worst age for terrible 2s anyway PLUS this

OP posts:
Nonameyet1 · 09/01/2023 14:31

After the first week of introductions, I burst into tears after dropping the little one off at her foster carers. I worried that I had made a mistake. We are now two years on and our little one is the best. You are totally normal.

Be kind to yourself and talk through your feelings as being reassured that you are doing ok can be really helpful.

Soon your child will be in your home, getting into your routines and things will feel a lot more normal and settled. Best of luck.

Noimaginationforaun · 09/01/2023 20:30

Oh, very normal! Wow those first months were overwhelming. Introductions were very, very difficult for us with BM & FC issues. We would lay in bed thinking what have we done? Do we love him? My heart used to pound so much at night it felt like a heart attack.

It took a few months but it settled. My LO was 2 when he came home so we went to toddler groups and found our own little way.

Now, we are 21 months in! It is so hard to describe how I feel about him. He is our whole, wonderful world and our lives are so much richer for him being in it. I look at him every day and know I will do everything in my power to give him a happy life. I would redo all the stress, anxiety and doubt 1 billion times over for him.

Look after yourselves. Keep going!

Whatthechicken · 09/01/2023 20:32

Totally normal. Introductions are so knackering - I will never forget that period of time. We talked to another adopter the other day about intros, we spoke (and laughed) about how strange and weird it was. We rocked up as strangers (being called mummy and daddy from the off through the window), spent eight days in a strangers house intensely learning about our kids (and parenting), then we took them home. Then you have to get used to your life being so very different. And for us, it was wonderful, but also scary and filled with trepidation. I used to ‘forget’ items from the shop - so I could nip out again and have a few moments to recalibrate. It will take time to get used to your new life, and get to know your child and vice Versa, but you will get there. Just look after yourself.

Original poster
ItchyEars · 10/01/2023 18:23

Thank you all for being so kind. If only everyone could empathise with how difficult this time is!

Despite all your positive words I've been bawling my eyes out today, and considering admitting defeat and tapping out.
All down to one persons opinion that I am expecting too much, should have read more, trained more, saved more, be more willing for my entire life to change. From their opinion, I may aswell craft myself a crucifix in the garden as I have now given over my life and happiness to this child - who I am not listening to.

Meanwhile I have 2 friends with birth children of a similar age who kick off just as much.

OP posts:
Ted27 · 10/01/2023 19:10

@ItchyEars

as everyone said, all totally normal.

We could all have read more, gone on more training courses, saved more, there is always ‘more’. Having more money in the bank won’t help you at the moment.
However much prep you do, the reality will still be a shock to the system because its no longer a theory and whilst you might have prepared for it, you have a little human for whom its just been dropped on them, with no choice in the matter.
I do think, whether we know it or not, we do all have expectations, or at least hopes for how things are going to go. My intros were nothing like I thought they would be. After 2 days I realised intros were something I just had to get through and the real work would start when I got home.
So that would be my advice to you, just get through it, ignore everyone else, because no one else is in your situation.
And there is no harm in having a good howl, its what kids do, adults are just conditioned out of it. If you need a cry to get through it, then have a cry, no shame in that. You do what you need to do.
Good luck

Original poster
ItchyEars · 10/01/2023 19:12

Thank you.

I think a bath and an early night is in order. Tomorrow is a new day

OP posts:
Ted27 · 10/01/2023 19:35

that sounds like a good idea @ItchyEars
you are sounding like a single adopter ?

Me too - its hard having no one to discuss the day with. I also felt very guilty because my son had been with his FCs over 3 years and was quite happy where he was.
He is 18 now, we can, and do, talk about those early days. He can tell me how tough it was for him, but he understands why he was moved to me and the life it has given him. And he is happy with it. Not saying its easy, its been 10 hard years but the effort has paid off. Chances are it will for you to.

Original poster
ItchyEars · 10/01/2023 19:36

I hope so. I just keep thinking should I walk away 😪

OP posts:
Ted27 · 10/01/2023 19:42

can you say why you think that?

your life is changed forever now anyway

121Sarah121 · 10/01/2023 19:42

@ItchyEars Your little one needs a family and the people making the decisions believe in you. It’s time to believe in yourself. For whatever reason, your little one needs to move on to a permanent home and you can offer them that.

it’s horrible and scary and i don’t think we are at all prepared because reading books does not give you lived experience. It’s always different. Please be kind to yourself: it’s ok to find it hard. It’s ok to be overwhelmed. However you are feeling, it’s ok.

Original poster
ItchyEars · 10/01/2023 19:44

I just feel like I'm failing. I didnt expect open arms. Even the screaming and tantrums were expected. Its just at the moment i cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel.

When im with them i feel great, then i come home and i dont sleep and i worry.

OP posts:
121Sarah121 · 10/01/2023 19:56

It’s really overwhelming and I felt like an imposter for a long, long time. To be honest I still feel like I am not enough but I know deep down I am my sons best chance at a family.

try and focus on the time together. Take lots of photos and spend time reflecting on what went well. The worries are normal but you need a place to talk these through so that it doesn’t become too much. It sounds like your support network aren’t being very supportive

Ted27 · 10/01/2023 19:59

@ItchyEars

Ive been on adoption forums for a long time, over 14 years. When I come across new adopters, the ones that worry me most are those with the rose tinted specs, who go through it without any reflection, without any obvious worries ir concerns.
You are doing a huge thing, on your own, turning your life upside down. Why wouldnt you worry and be anxious about it.
In a few days time you will be in your home, not in someone else’s, however nice the FCs are, its not yours.
Your real life with this child will start when you get them home, tuck them in bed in their new bedroom, you’ll still probably be wondering what the hell you’ve done( I did) but then you will start to establish your routines, your new life, your new normal. It will feel strange, but one day you will turn stop and think you won’t remember what your life before him.

It came home to me when I was in the scrum in Clarkes with dozens of other mums buying school shoes. This was my life now - and it felt right, then at Christmas, 8 months after he moved in, I walked into the school hall for the nativity play, he jumped up in his seat and yelled that’s MY mum. Yes I cried, I knew then this boy was my son, in every way.
It takes time.
Don’t panic.

Original poster
ItchyEars · 10/01/2023 20:02

Thank you! Im going to go sit in his room for a bit, I've avoided it all day and when I see it it reminds me of how much effort I've already made for him. Hopefully will stop me feeling like a crap mother

OP posts:
Ted27 · 10/01/2023 20:04

You arent a crap mum

you are a new mum learning the ropes

121Sarah121 · 10/01/2023 20:10

What happened specifically to make you think you are crap?

I think you need to remind yourself of why you have been chosen to be his mum. Look back at his profile and start thinking about how you will build your life together. He is almost 3 now but in time, he will grow. What does that look like?

Original poster
ItchyEars · 10/01/2023 20:25

Honestly I think I just let someone get inside my head when I'm already in a place of worrying. I get that we have to be careful with moving children from their safe space but you have to weigh it up against a 2 year old being a 2 year old too. My friends wouldn't leave the house if they did everything their kids wanted.

OP posts:
121Sarah121 · 10/01/2023 20:45

You will spend the rest of your life asking yourself, “is it because he is adopted or is it because of his age/personality?” Adopters overthink everything.

Ted27 · 10/01/2023 20:56

Its a really good point.
My son was nearly 8 when he moved in. He has ASD. I spent months in a tizz working our what was 'adoption' what was ASD and what was him just being 8. Because they are allowed to just be kids and not always adopted kids.
You are doing better than you think

Whatthechicken · 10/01/2023 20:58

I felt like a terrible mum for a while, not knowing whether I was doing ok (or makes my things worse for them). Some may even think I am a terrible mum and wouldn’t do things how I do them. But today my teeny tiny nearly 7 year old girl congratulated me on passing a test at college that I was worried about, she said: ‘Mummy, you didn’t give up, you kept trying”, then she paused and said to me “that’s my girl”. You will find these little nuggets of gold along the way, hang onto them, they are worth everything.

You are currently in the absolute thick of it right now. after the whole intrusive and difficult approval process, I remember feeling judged, under scrutiny, under prepared.

You are in the middle of intros and you still know which way is up…you are also reflecting on here to us. I’d say you are doing pretty dam good.

You said above, that when you are with them, you feel great - hang onto and focus on that, everyone else will melt away into the background eventually.