Normal doubts?

[ItchyEars]

I'm a week into intros for the most adorable little one. In the moment I play with them and cope quite well, but when I come home I sit and worry I've made a terrible decision.

I do really stuggle from anxiety and over thinking

Please tell me this is normal?

All down to one persons opinion that I am expecting too much, should have read more, trained more, saved more, be more willing for my entire life to change.

No matter how much you train, how ouch you save, how much you prepare for your life to change you just can’t predict how you’ll feel and react in that moment.

You can prepare for your life to change, but until you stop work, start meeting your child, start to really feel the practical implications (how on earth do I get an ironing board shaped child into a car seat) you can’t know how it’ll be. All the training in the world doesn’t prepare you for being a parent, really. Believe me, my professional training and career should have given me the best possible place to start from and those intros and early placement days knocked me on my arse.

Everything, everything is changing for you - in ways you couldn’t have imagined. It’s ok to need a minute (or more) to catch your breath, I worry more about people who appear to take it all in their stride because that’s not how we’re programmed to adapt to change. It’s too easy to let others opinions get under your skin, you’re doing your best as a new mum to a walking, talking little one. Most new mums don’t need to deal with terrible twos, who are also dealing with trauma. You are, and that makes you incredible even when you don’t feel it.

You Will get through this!

I found with some people it helped explaining how I was feeling like yes, my child is a toddler but I am a new mum. I am as experienced as you were with a newborn but I have a toddler whose whole life has been turned upside down to learn how to care for and love.

The friends and family that got it, got it.

Also don’t be afraid to ask for help if needed. I started anti anxiety tablets about 6 weeks in for post adoption anxiety and they really, really helped!

Thank you
I suppose this is why they suggest speaking to other adopters so much. You just get it.

Absolutely, I remember my non-adoptive parent friends all saying “savour every minute, it goes by in a blur, enjoy your new children”. My adoptive parent friends were like “you’ll feel like you’re losing your mind for the most past, it’ll pass. You’ll be ok”. While plying me with wine and frozen dinners.

Oh definitely! LO came home just before my birthday and the amount of messages I got that told me this must be the best birthday ever was unreal. It was definitely not the best birthday. We were days into placement, shattered, LO’s world was upside down, social workers were visiting! Definitely not ‘oh wow, magical birthday’ vibes!

I dont want to say I'm glad you all had these experiences but I'm glad you can relate and what I'm experiencing seems "normal" whatever that is 😂

I've woke up today with fresh optimism it will be ok and thats on all of you supporting me!
I honestly felt as though it wasnt going to work because i wasnt doing what this other person said i should be. And i feel more scared than love for him at the moment.
But im going to persevere, be strong in front of him even if i cry all the way home haha

It’s unrealistic to love a stranger you have just met. Attachment takes years to build and can only be achieved by meeting his needs thousands of times. You can start building a relationship though. Getting down on the floor and playing, sharing new experiences, chatting. But remember no matter how scared you are, he is more terrified. His world isn’t what he thought. The people who are caring for him and abandoning him and a stranger will take their place: he is the vulnerable one. Take it at his pace

@ItchyEars it sounds like you've had a good night's sleep, and got a bit of perspective.

Just again to reassure you what you are feeling is completely normal. A couple of weeks ago my partner and I were talking about things. I asked if she regretted what we've done (3 months in). I was absolutely terrified she would say yes. She didn't, thankfully. But there have honestly been times when I have thought I've done the wrong thing.

I spent the first few weeks going round saying to everyone, "why didn't you tell me parenting is hard?" Of course no one says anything else, but it is impossible to know how hard it is in advance. It is impossible to prepare adequately. I don't know who it is that's said these things to you, but it sounds like they're being ridiculous.

How much longer do you have introductions? Do you have a good relationship with your social worker?

And sitting in your little one's room sounds like a good idea. Anything that reminds you of ultimately why you wanted to be a parent, because it's hard to keep sight of that when dealing with tantrums or whatever.

Keep posting here. Hope you have a good day.

I honestly felt as though it wasnt going to work because i wasnt doing what this other person said i should be.

It can be hard to deal with other peoples views when they know the child (foster carers), or have been parents for a while. It’s well meaning but utterly unhelpful.

You’re building a relationship with your child, from scratch - they don’t know you and you don’t know them. You’re finding your way into a lifetime of loving, caring and parenting this child. Your relationship with your child will be unique - a combination of your personality and theirs. Do what feels right - you’ll soon know if you’ve missed the mark at which point you respond with flexibility and you change your approach - it’s like a dance, you responding to each other. Unless it’s obvious safety stuff, take your time to learn who you are as a parent.

Opinions are ten a penny, but your relationship with your child is one in a million, protect and treasure what you’re building together.

First time round, we sat in the front of the car with a 13 month old sleeping in the back driving away from their foster carers for the very last time, bringing home our child. We sat there mentally swearing, completely bricking it. The only thing that got me through the journey was a conversation about how everyone else involved in our adoption believed we could do it. It was so bloody hard. For the first couple of years we'd periodically look at them and go they've finally settled in, only to say it again a few months later followed by no this time they really are.

@ItchyEars How has the past few days been?

Honestly... much better. I had a good cry. I spoke to my social worker. She also told me its all normal and I've pulled myself together. I had a great few hours with him today. He gave the best hugs ever. It was almost like he knew I needed that reassurance too.

There will still be bumps along the way I'm sure but I cant wait to see him here in his bed all tucked up.

@ItchyEars that's brilliant to hear. It is going to be bumpy but a lot of people who have a lot of training and experience have decided that the best thing for this little boy is that you be his parent. You'll be amazing!

What a lovely update @ItchyEars how much longer are your intros?

I just wanted to say something about 'love'. My son told me he loved me on day 2 on intros, I said it back. Neither of us meant it.
We have talked about this many times since. He understands now that he said it because he thought it was what was expected, what I wanted to hear and he was scared- so he said so I would think he was a good boy. I said it because he needed to hear it back.
So we kept on saying it because of the expectations. And at some point we meant it, maybe not at the same time but it stopped being a ritual.
What matters at this point is your commitment to him. The love will come in its own time.

Bless him. Theres so much expectation. Its a really difficult time!!!

Hopefully 2 weeks if all goes well.

Glad to hear things are going well. It’s a difficult time but it sounds like you all need that transition time and hopefully things will go smoothly when he finally comes home. Keep reaching out for support when you need it. Wishing you and your son, all the best in the coming weeks and years ahead as you become family

@ItchyEars you are doing absolutely amazing and we are all here to support you.

For reasons unique to each family the first few weeks, months and beyond can be literally matter of getting through each day.... half an hour at a time.

My AS7 has been home 2 years now. I was in crisis for pretty much the entire first year. Absolutely horrendous child to parent violence lasting hours through the day and night. And a horrendous school.

I have had to give up work and have an incredibly limited life.. I.e no real life.

But... my determination and love as well as moving schools has helped to result in huge huge huge improvements.

It took TWO years to have an overnight break, me to have the energy to finally meet up with friends. Nowadays the child to parent violence is wayyyy less. I can manage it. I NOW see a future and a very bright one for us.

A huge part of adoption is the adopter being able to get through the depths of despair.

@ItchyEars you are an amazing mummy to your LO. Your feelings for LO are shining through your posts. And you reaching out for help speaks volumes too.

Reach out here or any other faction of the Adoption community if ever/whenever you need to. We GET IT and there will be no judgement. Only lots of support. Us here on mumsnet have such a wide range of experiences.

'You've Got This' xxxxx

Oo you've reminded me something I'd forgotten there,for the first few months of placement I wore a bracelet saying 'youve got this' I got from Etsy.early days placement is really really tough so don't despair but hang on in there.adoption UK do early days zoom meet ups so you could check them out if you've not got the most understanding support network,it does really really help to chat to other adopters as we do get it.good luck and take it slowly.and congratulations!!

A bit late but I can so relate to this. During intros, I just felt this nagging feeling that it was a mistake. Then we had a day off intros midway through, and back in our own home, I just broke down in tears and didn't know why. Our intros were going really well, our LO was quite easy to parent, and FC was great. But the fact that everything was going well freaked me out even more - because if I couldn't blame my feelings on LO's behaviour, or difficult FC or difficult intros, surely the problem was me and it was a sign that it was the wrong decision, right?

This went on in the first couple of weeks after placement. I dreaded all the 'OMG you must be soooooooo happy' comments. I felt like a complete fraud. At one point I listened to a podcast about post-adoption depression, and someone talked about how they desperately wanted a social worker to knock at the door and tell them there had been a mistake - so they wouldn't have to continue the adoption but without having to decide to disrupt. I broke down listening to this because it described exactly how I felt.

For me, getting some help from my GP helped. Being open with the friends who 'got it' (in my case, not adopters or even parents) also helped. It took a while, but now nearly a year in, we're all doing so well.

So it will be ok. But don't be afraid to get medical help as well as emotional support. Post-adoption depression is real, and if you need medical support, you shouldn't be afraid of getting it.

I have pre-adoption depression nevermind post 🤣 im already on medication and just had a review so we discussed the difficult time. Things ARE getting easier. Theres a light at the end of the tunnel. I still think there will be tears from both sides but we are getting there!

@ItchyEars How are things now?