First meeting with birth mum since before adoption

[Animallover2325]

Ds (16) is meeting up with his birth mum.
we have never had any negative issues in the time we have written back and forward and it all seems positive up til now so I’m just praying it’ll be a positive outcome x

Hope it goes well.

Hope it will all go well. Please do let us know.

First meeting went week. We all went for a lunch and a talk. Nothing big at this stage just a catch-up with him and her. He then decided to text her himself and ask if she would like to meet with him every weekend. They went out again at the weekend. I’m not sure how I feel about weekly days out at this stage, my own heart is saying go slow, maybe every few weeks til they get used to things. Ds however just goes for it, likes to get things done, doesn’t like waiting around. It’s his decision we respect that. I’m just being quietly cautious for his sake x

@Animallover2325 I'm an adoptee and wanted to say how brilliant it is that you are so supportive with this. I hope it continues to go well and you can slow the pace down a bit for everyone involved.

Aw thank you. I’m monitoring things so will just see how it goes xx

So meetings have been going well for ds and birth mum. He’s happy he’s getting to finally spend time with her again. My concern is this. They have been going on rather extravagant days out of very week, not just doing one thing or going for food or whatever. Things that are costing her I imagine a fair bit of money. She said she’s fine with it, he said he was the one who suggested these places, which doesn’t surprise me but we as a family don’t do these kind of things any more - mainly because he always refuses to go anywhere with us! Being a teenager and all that didn’t want to go out with the old dears (she’s older than us my the way!) not that age is the issue here. He just sees us as the Boring parents he doesn’t spend time with and it’s like she’s the one with the novelty activities whereas we could easily be doing days out together.
I feel I need to slow things down a bit. I suggested cheaper days out to him, walk in the parks, museums, just go for a bite to eat. Just things that don’t tie her in so much as I feel that’s what he might be doing.. locking her in to make sure she can’t get away again since that’s what she did when he was small.
Am I overthinking? Should I intervene? Does anyone have advice on birth parent meetings?

Hi @Animallover2325

it does sound very intense if they are meeting every week.

I think your instincts are probably right about slowing things down. Big days out every week will be difficult to sustain for lots of reasons - money, other commitments, homework, onset of winter. I’d also be a bit concerned about what his expectations are for Christmas.
Do you feel able to have a separate meeting or call with her on your own to check how she is feeling about it - must be quite overwhelming for her too.

Our experience of direct contact has been difficult. We have theoretically had contact with dad since placement. He managed the first 18 months but just couldnt maintain the commitment, its caused my son a lot of hearache.

Are you getting any support with this, a bit of theraputic support for him to process whats happening might be helpful

Absolutely no support at all from social work!! Told them he wanted to meet with her, next thing I knew I was given her number. I asked for advice- nothing! He’s away on another one today. She’s got a surprise for him apparently?!?

i Want them to talk which is why I allowed them to meet in the first place but these days out are getting extreme I feel. I said last week I was fine with it, but only because I want them to talk

Is he not in school or college ?

I think the first thing I'd do is stop any weekday meetings - in a round about way, remind them both he has other commitments.

It sounds like you do really need a conversation with her - to see what her expectations are and ask her to slow it down.

Does he tell you about what they talk about?

I'd also have a look at getting him some life story work via the Adoption support fund.

It’s September weekend here

Do you know the full background of why he was adopted? Is she likely to sustain this contact? I haven't adopted but have had two foster children for 8 years so am 'mum' to them as much as is possible. Their birth mum gets back in touch periodically but cannot sustain contact for long and they've learnt this the hard way. I hope your son is not setting himself up for a fall.

I would try not to fan any flames of his thinking you're jealous of her so that if it does all go wrong he can't turn his anger to you in a 'you wanted this to happen!' kind of way. Try and be interested in a disinterested way. 'Oh you're going to X? Oh yes, you'll have a lovely time. Remember I went last year but you didn't want to come with us. Nice place. What time are you going?'

He might be testing her to see if she's going to stick around and make an effort and she might be willing to go along with elaborate days out as she feels guilty for not being around for his childhood. Either it will not be sustainable or the novelty will wear off (on his part I imagine) and weekends with friends etc will become more interesting to him again and he'll naturally start to see her less.

Well I’m definitely not jealous. Just concerned it’s too much excitement for him too soon. We know everything there is to know and there is some of it we were not allowed to tell our son according to social work. BM had to do that. When that’s going to happen god knows but I don’t know how’s going to feel or even react. We’ve always written to each other over the years and have never had cause for concern regards them meeting up again one day. She has been working hard on getting to a good place, likewise we have with him. I’ve just been feeling it would have been better of there just did one thing when they meet and not even every week but I don’t want to be the stick in the mud. I do talk to him about it but don’t get much back. So nothing has changed in that department, he still doesn’t really talk much these days with us

I'd say you really need to meet her yourself and sort some stuff out.
I've never understood this thing about you not being allowed to give him information. I'd gave ignored SWs with regard to that and told him.
Is this information that you would want to be with him when he hears it, are you happy for her to handle it given that she doesn't actually know him?
I'd be concerned about several things.
She tells him, he reacts badly and she can't handle it.
He resents you for not telling him.
She doesn't tell and he still doesn't know.

He is 16, whatever this information is he deserves and needs to know. Either she gets on with it (preferably with you there) or you do it. He's your son, it's really not for the SWs to dictate this.
I really think.you are storing up a whole heap of trouble here

yes that’s exactly how I feel. Also I believe we should be there when he finds out. I’ve always said I don’t want him resent us not telling him anything because I’ve always been 100% honest with him, as far as I’ve been allowed to Which is pretty ridiculous considering we are his parents

But Ive said this before to you, drop the ‘allowed’ bit. You are his parents. You need to take the initiative.
SW have no powers to stop you, and no sanctions if you do.

I know. It has been so frustrating over the years to have been put in this position which we felt we couldn’t get out of and didn’t want to offend anyone. It’s all wrong how things have happened. We were always lead to believe because they said so that was the arrangement and that was that. It was only later we found out we could in fact change that. However we felt that we should somehow give BM her place to explain what happened - crazy I know! Given that she didn’t fight for him in the first place. I do regret not having been stronger and just taking the reins ourselves. I feel we have let him down

So what are you going to do about it now?

@Animallover2325

apologies - I realise my last post looks a little confrontational.
But you have been going over the same issues here for quite a long time now.
He is 16, whatever it is he needs to know. There is absolutely nothing to stop you - you need to take control of the situation.

I agree with Ted27 - you are his parent, you get to decide what is best for him. I ended up giving my DDs some health info about their birth mother that I found out by accident (it hadn't been redacted in a report!).

It wasn't my info to give, and I said nothing for a couple of years. But there came a point when I felt they needed to know about it as her health was declining, and she hadn't told them (we had direct contact).

If I hadn't known I obviously couldn't have told them, but as I did know I wasn't going to keep the secret beyond a certain point as it was best that they had the opportunity to prepare themselves. Plus, the info is relevant in understanding what was going on for her in the couple of years leading up to them coming into care, and her subsequent choices. I judged it to be in their best interests to know. She died shortly afterwards at a very young age, sadly, and the info helped them put that into the big picture of her life and theirs.

While I was willing to respect her privacy as far as possible, I wasn't going to prioritise it over our DDs well being, their needs were my priority.

It sounds like the BM is behaving like a “Disney” parent - spoiling the child to counter the negative stuff that they have done. It’s akin to love bombing.

I agree, take the initiative now, have a good conversation with your son, reassure him that you’re happy he’s getting to spend time with his birth mother and it’s important that he develops an informed relationship with her. That could be the route in to chatting about what you know/were told about the history of how he came to be in care and then adopted by you.

Good luck with it, it’s a tricky time anyway when teenagers are pushing boundaries to assert independence and experiment how to be a young adult, coupled with the adoption which can lead to questions around identity, and then this on top.

To add, I think it is entirely appropriate to say to birth mum - I am glad you are re-establishing a relationship. I think this relationship needs to be based on truth, so DS needs to know XYZ. Let's have a talk about how you will tell him, and how we will jointly support him afterwards.

If she is not up for that, then you will need to tell him yourself, including that you tried to create an environment so BM could tell him and you would jointly support him.

He may react against you if you are his safe space, and she isn't. Reality can be hard to deal with. But ultimately I think he will realise who he can trust.

I say this as someone who had to let her much-loved DD storm off for a couple of years. A couple of days ago she put one of the notes I gave her for her birthday on her Whatsapp status, saying how much it means to her (10 years on! She has kept it through the storming off phase!)

@Ted27 knew me at that point, and how heart-broken and angry I was! But DD and I have a genuine, loving relationship now.

@Sigma33

How lovely that she kept the note, I bet she's got lot of stuff like that.
I think it shows just how complicated relationships with our children can be , but she came back to you

@Ted27 yes, it never occurred to me she would have kept it!

So - update.
Things have been going well since first meeting as far as ds is concerned. I wanted to take thing slowly for his sake to have them getting to know each other once again and just enjoy their company and try to talk about the issues around why he was adopted. That’s not happening though. They’ve seen each other every weekend since, which was two months ago. I’ve been very cautious in explaining to him that we take things slowly and we didn’t know where each other lived. I was happy with this as it also gives us time as a family before the added pressure of personal visits etc….. until tonight there was! They were out driving about and basically drove past ours to get to where we dropped him off to meet her and we were going to pick him up again. He took it upon himself to tell her to just drop him off at the house instead to save her the journey! Now, as I also explained to him I’m not being awkward about visits to houses but that I just want to make sure things are happy for him longer term before we got here. He said what he always says, it’s fine, it doesn’t matter we’re going to be doing eventually anyway.
well I’m not ready yet.