First meeting with birth mum since before adoption

[Animallover2325]

Ds (16) is meeting up with his birth mum.
we have never had any negative issues in the time we have written back and forward and it all seems positive up til now so I’m just praying it’ll be a positive outcome x

Oh I do feel sorry for you.
He is in the rush of excitement and isn't taking any time to think through things carefully or how they impact you.
It is so how like DD1 was when she met her BF now husband (engaged at 17).

He said it doesn’t matter it was going to happen eventually anyway. Yeah probably but not before we’re ready. He really can’t see the bigger picture, he just charges ahead and can’t think things through. I told him not being awkward - I’m trying to protect his well-being. Which i obviously can’t do myself all the time but at least I could try and have these measures in place to just take more time. It’s really pressure I don’t need right now. My mum is seriously ill, my sister who normally helps me catch up with the house etc at times as I’m disabled can’t as she has to be there 24/7. Husband - yeah well .. - so basically it’s up to me to do the house. (I won’t go there on here as I’ve already done it before so many times 🙄) … I don’t mind doing it, I like doing it, but not when nobody else is even bothering. Anyway - right now the idea that he could just decide to land in the door with her at any second is now added stress as I won’t lie. The place is a mess at the minute. I know there’s more important things to be considering but I would like to at least have the place in better shape. He came to us after all for a better life. Which he does have. I’ve also started work again myself and need to get somebody in I think to help out.

As a matter of interest what is your experience of adoption? It doesn't feel very empathetic to the OP, nor even to have any awareness as to how rushed reunions can go wrong.
I never see adoptive parents here wanting 'alienation' from 'genetic' family 'forever'. Only wanting any meet ups to be beneficial and not harmful or all consuming.

@JaNaJanice
Yes could you clarify your experience of adoption.
This mum is facilitating her son's contact with his birth mum but is rightly concerned.
My son has contact with birth family - they let him down, ignore important occasions whilst spoiling his brother, there has been a lot of verbal abuse from that brother to my son. My son is rapidly losing interest in contact as it adds little to his life and causes more pain.
Children are removed from birth familes for very good reasons, often those reasons make them very unreliable. There is a good chance that this birth mum will be unable to maintain contact which may be devastating for him. And who gets to pick up the pieces?

@JaNaJanice
This mum is weighing it up, she is facilitating contact but also trying to protect her son who is still a child. She is sewing him through it and it's OK for her to have worries and seek support for herself.
I'm not griping about picking up the pieces- it's stating a fact.
I've been picking up the pieces for 10 years - my son is 18 and makes his own decisions, it still hurts.

MYbe you don’t want to divulge because you’re jus here to demean the rest of us who go three these situations. It’s all good and we’ll talking from a keyboard. I thankfully have groups of other adoptive parents with teens who can completely relate and actually know what it’s all about. Thank you to all on here who have offered much appreciated advice and short to. It’s why we come here after all is it not?

I do not know your situation but in here nobody can tell who you are anyway however that’s your right and guru choice. Good luck worh what we your own situation is.

@Animallover2325 you are quite right to factor in your feelings. You adopted your son who was failed so badly by his birth family he needed adoption. You have put his needs and feelings first for years, you are still putting his needs and feelings first by supporting contact with his birth mother. You will still be putting his needs and feelings first for years to come.

You are entitled to have YOUR needs and feelings considered as well. You are not a paid carer, and if you were your son would almost certainly be far worse off.

No-one's needs and feeling trump anyone else's in this situation. You are allowed to have boundaries, as are your son and his birth mother.

I am another adoptive parent who has had to 'pick up the pieces' of my daughters being let down over and over again by birth family. Yes, I signed up for being one of my daughters' two mothers/families. That doesn't mean I signed up to being a doormat - and if I was I would not have been a good parent to my daughters. They needed someone to be there for them waaaay beyond when it was rational or reasonable. They also needed someone able to model having a healthy relationship, including setting boundaries and expecting it to be a two-way relationship with mutual respect and consideration.