They said no 🥺

[Lwren]

That's it really.
Firstly because dp and I are in an IVAs, however they do get paid, no mortgage or CT arrears etc.
Our DS has asd and his needs aren't clear for longterm, which I think are, he won't be independent but his needs will always be met.
The rest of the report was wonderful tbh which is fucking worse.
If it had said "you'd both be shite at parenting a kid with trauma" I'd be weirdly happier with that, but for the sake of me losing my employment during the pandemic when finding other employment wasn't too easy, feels quite harsh. And that was the advice given, an iva to ensure our mortgage remained safe etc.
And my sons autism is quite profound admittedly, but he has all the right things in place. He's been diagnosed, he's attending a SEN school, he is thriving at home. We have fought and championed him, we were hoping those skills would be used on another wean who's worlds a bit uncertain.
We've got him in school full time from September and my close friend gives him days out with her for his respite away from us 🤣

I'm unsure if I'm going to continue the idea of adoption. I have been sent away "to reapply in 6 months" quite a few times now and it's really quite painful.

Just wanted to let you know and thank you all so so much for your help and advice this last few months xxx

Sorry you have been told no.it must be so hard but there is but.most adopted children came with difficulties and it is very difficult to keep up with everything.

.you are having to navigate the system for your own child and adding another child into the mix.just trying to keep up with appointments etc can be a nightmare and extremely exhausting . Who will do respite for you for adopted child .many support networks fall away as people can't cope with the behaviours
Maybe it's time to park adoption and look at it when your child is older and his needs clearer .

You sound like you’re in Scotland? The goalposts can vary hugely between local authorities - it might be worth talking to a different one to get their views on whether the issues are insurmountable. You don’t need to apply to your local council, I’m pretty central and could have chosen from 5 different authority areas near me.

In saying that, the IVA would be a concern because it suggests financial insecurity, even if that insecurity wasn’t if your own making. Your child’s uncertain needs will also cause concern because even with the best assessment process an adopted child often has a lack of certainty about their needs and future development. You also don’t know how the addition of a child might impact your child and their development.

When you were sent off to reapply in 6 months time did they tell you what they needed to see changed in any future application? That would be my starting point - if it’s something you can realistically see changing (eg financial situation improving) it might be worth hanging on, if it’s not (eg certainty about your child’s ongoing needs), it may be time to let it rest.

I’m sorry for the position you’re in, it’s awful, such a disappointment for you.

Not Scotland, North West! DP is a scouser without any accent 🤣

Ah indeed, I do understand completely why they've said no, I just feel heartbroken they knew prior I had a autistic child and debt. I feel like years worth of reading, podcasts, documentaries, reports, YouTube videos, spending 100 quid on those fucking butterfly albums 🤣🤣 was wasted.
I also have come away from SM as all my pages I followed are adoption based and I'm just ... gutted, actually.
I've gone away each time and my learning log is so huge I feel now equipped to write a thesis on trauma in utero, therapeutic parenting & the ratio of adoption breakdowns. It's sad I felt we were would have really had enough in place to be the right family for a child who needs us. But such is life! Maybe we will when we're debt free, however, this isnt until we're much older and I'm unsure if I'll feel ready to start over with a 20 year old in tow.

I do appreciate the hardships with adopted children, I think you're all remarkable for your kindness and advice that you've shown to everyone, self included.

Thank you all so much ❤

I wish you all absolute the best luck with raising your beautiful families xx 💐💐💐

Not Scotland, North West!

If you do apply again, try Caritas- they are excellent with adopters who need specific matching criteria or a bit more nuance to get approved.

I really would pay off the IVA and build up a bit of spare cash before you apply again. It's going to be hard enough taking on another kid with additional needs without finances being strained.

You may return to the idea of adoption in the future but with your birth child being so young, it just isn’t the right time and that’s hard to hear. However, you have so much passion and drive, could you retrain and use this in a professional way? You have so much to give and adopting isn’t the only way to support young people who need it. Wishing you and your beautiful family all the best.

TBF if you cant manage your finances you’re probably best not taking on another financial headache

@Jenbarron - unhelpful

and children are not financial headches

@Lwren

so sorry to hear this. Everything you have written show you have a lot to offer and your certainly wouldn't be the first to adopt with an existing child with disabilities.
I'm not sure how IVA's work - so they get discharged at some point. Your DS starting school may change how the SWs look at things. Maybe give it a year and review your options?

Of course they can be. We’re in a cost of living crisis. The stress alone can cause a headache. Having children you cannot afford is too many peoples answer to a problem

@Jenbarron
If the OP had been accepted, it would be at least 12 months , if not longer before a child was placed with her. This is someone who has been posting here for a while, maybe we should trust people to understand their own financial position,

Hello @Ted27, you're one of the loveliest people online ❤ I thank you so much for your kindness and guidance, its really helpful and I think I will be doing that! If nothing, it'll show resilience 🤞🏻xx
@Jenbarron hello, thanks for your input regarding my finances. I sought legal advice during the pandemic when I lost my income as many folks did. I couldn't return to a job with having my children home. Anyway, now thanks to my sons official diagnosis and me being his carer I'm able to stay at home in a much more comfortably situation than I was before. The iva was advised because we had worked hard to secure a deposit for our home etc.
Our finances work out now pretty much neck in neck what we brought home with us both working full time. So I'm happily back on track.
Both low earners, but balanced with a small mortgage. Swings and roundabouts. We don't over spend, but we're able to replace a washing machine or boiler without any fear, I consider that and 3 meals a day a very blessed position to be in.
My finances weren't explored enough to explain my income and expenditure, but I'm no longer in the position I was and my IVA has just over 3k left which I'm committed to paying off and most likely will be able to much quicker than anticipated as I'm no longer unemployed.

We have been approved at panel recently and we have a young DC who is diagnosed asd. I don’t think they should be refusing you just on the case of you having a child with autism, that’s discriminatory. Not saying they wouldn’t do that, I’m sure they would as people have misconceptions about autism.
Our social worker put together a lot of information on how well our daughter was doing despite having a severe speech delay and I’m glad they were able to look past that.
If you feel that you have the capacity to take care of another child with additional needs then they need to prove that prior to you going to panel. Plenty of parents have a few children with additional needs and they get by! Perhaps you just didn’t have the right agency/social worker to get you through.
Financial issues are obviously a different matter but honestly don’t think you should not be approved due to your sons diagnosis only.

@Kitkat712 I have actually spoken to 2 other agencies, explaining what's happened and neither seemed put off by my asd child or debts when I explained why they'd incurred and how they're being paid and I'm not financially struggling.
Both asked if they could arrange a SW visit when I'm feeling up to it.
(Waiting 4 weeks to hear a no was emotionally draining, especially when they knew the decision already.)
When my son has had a good transition into his school I'll talk to one of the other agencies.
My sons needs are met because I have fucking worked hard for a long time. I've been his biggest advocate to get him where he needs to be and I think that definitely is what a child who may host a series of issues will need in a parent.

@Lwren you have obviously done amazing things for your son. Most SEN parents know you have to fight very hard for everything you get and you’re experience would surely be invaluable as an adopter.
I’m pleased to hear you haven’t given up but i’m not surprised you are emotionally drained. I’m sure you will get there with the right agency.

Thank you!! @Kitkat712 💜

If you wouldn't mind, would you please keep me updated as to how you're getting by with it all? All the best luck! Xx

Nugent, Caritas and Adoption Matters all cover the North West and are more open minded than Local Authorities in my opinion. Good luck.

Of course ☺️

No developments just yet for us. Hope you are feeling better. x

Hello @Eatthebiscuit, hello @Kitkat712
Thanks both for kind words 💜💚

I originally decided on trying the LA as competitive matching does fill me with sheer terror. Yet I have enjoyed chatting to the staff at both adoption matters and caritas very much! They're alot more positive, yet realistic that makes sense? They've both talked to me about the type of child we'd think our family would work for, which might actually be a more difficult to place child ironically.
With our home being quite "additional needs focused" we'd probably be good contenders for a child who will benefit from parents who ready can speak makaton or have lots of structure already in place. Or simply are already in the rhythm of advocacy!
We're open to really any child, we just need to ensure that any future kiddos needs nay clash with current kiddos needs, iyswim 😊
My eldest has given me a pep talk this week, actually making lots of sense, basically encouraging me to dust off and get back on my bike again.
He's 15 and for his birthday we had a few of his mates over for a sleepover, I've known these kids for years now and they've all got parents in much more professional roles than I've ever had, (think head teachers, police officers, SWs) and they boys were saying that their parents were really surprised we'd had a no and their parents who are all older than us were also very encouraging we should keep trying. So we have encouragement from people who understand how complex adoption is, which gave us a boost! Even my GP was telling me not to give up at first hurdle!
I'm just drinking up the boys much as I can before they're all in full time school now.
I'll work on a 5 year plan, show SS how I'm resilient AF, show my outgoings and my affordability plans.
If its still not something we succeed in I'll accept it wasn't for us and I'm just grateful eternally I have my children.
We've had a few, "youre young enough to try again" but it's either adoption or no for us. Too many children, of all varying needs, need a home with a loving family who get trauma, who get the whole clusterfuck of childhood adversity or having additional needs. I will not bring another child into this world when there are thousands who we could do our best for and love with everything. Even if it takes time, we have time! Thanks for checking in and advice! Let us know when you hear anything kitkat! X

@Lwren

many moons ago I applied to my local LA, when I was eventually assigned a social worker, it was not a meeting of minds, I don’t think she approved of single adopters. After a difficult assessment, she pulled me from panel with 3 weeks to go. I ended up in a meeting with her and her supervisor, where she misrepresented many things I said.
To cut a long story short, I flounced and took my business elsewhere. My new agency was amazing, saw many positives where the LA saw negatives. The panel congratulated me on my resiliance and were highly critcal of the LA.

I’m almost glad it happened because my path crossed with my lovely boy when he was history. The rest as they say is history.
It happened when the time was right, as it will for you. Don’t give up

I wish there was an edit function

our paths crossed when he was ready

Ted you're such a kind heart, I can only imagine how wonderful a mum you are!
Thank you, that's really kind of you to share and very much appreciated. I do feel much better for reading that, thank you xx

I have a young autistic child & was desperate to adopt. It was a poster on here who messaged me to basically say, if AC was to kick off, would BC be able to cope? And that stopped me in my tracks. WE were prepared and ready to take on a child and all that brings, but to expect my ASD child to was unfair. He may have been fine but then again he may not. I'm still passionate about adoption & improving the chances of kids born into difficult situations and currently training to be a social worker.

hi @Lwren and all other posters, just wanted to follow up on this thread. Hope all going well with you.
I posted for a while ago how we were approved at panel and we have bc who is autistic.
I was really positive at the time but currently we’ve been put forward for 7 children and the children’s social workers have not picked us. The feedback has always been extremely vague, no concrete reasons. I do feel like it could be because of bc diagnosis. I just don’t think they are considering us because of this and I feel quite low about it. It’s extremely frustrating because I think bc is definitely a strength for us, not a weakness. Maybe it will happen one day but I’m not sure if we’ll ever be first choice.

Hello @Kitkat712 i can't imagine your frustration. It's really a long and mentally challenging process, I really hope you get the child who your family are perfect for, you must have many strengths and I hope you don't get to disheartened 😘❤

Thanks so much @Lwren ❤️
I forgot to say in my post yesterday, perhaps that’s why they originally said no to you as they didn’t want you to waste time.
It seems to be a lot of quick judgement around autism which I wasn’t expecting.