Feel suicidal with how bad things are

[1d1a1y]

Honestly can't go on like this. I'm 7 years in. Adopted child with hugely complex needs and the most horrific behavioural problems and emotional needs that have destroyed my mental health, physical health and my life.

I have no resemblance of any kind of normal life. No friends anymore, absolutely no support network anymore, single adopter, no family. Can't go anywhere because of their behaviour and screaming in public. Am trapped in my house. Can only work very part time because I can't cope with full time and the endless meetings with professionals.

I feel guilty to say this but I have begun to absolutely hate this child. Every night I feel like I am going to have a heart attack with the stress and the adrenaline pumping round my body, my heart pounding out of my chest because of their screaming and throwing things and hitting.

I'm on eggshells with my neighbours after they made safeguarding referal about me a while ago when I lost my temper and was screaming at the child. Obviously this is not how I want to parent but I feel dead inside.

I cannot give any more of my time and energy to endless interventions from PAS that simply do not work. I honestly feel like there is no way out of this hell and I cannot take the shame of telling anyone how I feel because no one sees what I am living with and the hell that goes on behind closed doors. Please tell me I am not alone in these feelings. It honestly makes me want out of this life.

@1d1a1y

I’m so sorry you are feeling like this. Please please don’t feel ashamed of your feelings, you are clearly under huge pressure and stress.
If you are feeling suicidal then please get yourself some help now, call the Samaritans or go to your GP but you must talk to someone about yourself in real life.
Maybe you have reached a point where you have to think very hard about the long term future for both of you.

If you were to harm yourself what would happen to your child? What are they getting from your life together?
How would you feel about them returning to care? Its not what anyone would want but maybe you have to give that serious consideration.
I know that would bring up a whole set of other emotions for you but no-one here would judge you if that if you were to take that decision.
Please look after yourself and keep posting.

Hi, I'm not in the best place for giving advice right now as having a hard time with our dds myself, but I wanted to let you know, I get it. It is so hard, it is soul destroying at times. It feels endless. There is only so much you can give without getting anything back. I have a dh and I can't imagine what it would be like to parent my dds on my own.

I agree, I feel PAS doesn't even scratch the surface of dealing with the childrens needs and the best support I had was when I paid for individual counselling for me with a specialist counsellor, this is certainly not sustainable though!

I have some support from friends and family but I don't think they actually understand and think I'm dramatic, indulgent or overthinking. I do have a colleague who also adopted and her support is invaluable because she genuinely understands. Is it worth seeing if you SS can link you up with anyone in a similar position? I know my SW has asked me if she could pass my phone number to someone who wanted to make links in the past.

Having said that I couldn't give you advice, I am going to tell you something that helps me, I hope it doesn't sound trite or trivial, but it sort of became like a focus for me. When the girls first came to live with us I became very depressed and I set up nonnegotiable that I would try and do every day and anything else I achieved was a bonus. I set the bar low to make sure it was achievable! One was to have a shower, one was to make my bed and one was to get outside at some point in the day. If I am having a bad time, I always go back to this. These are things that are important to me, there might be things that are important to you that you can set as your minimum to focus on.

I would also recommend this Facebook group www.facebook.com/groups/therapeuticparents/?ref=share I haven't shared on there for a while but always found them very supportive and understanding and not overly negative as some groups can be.

Take care

@1d1a1y I’m so sorry you’re in this place, and I’m sorry I’m only seeing your message this morning. It’s incredibly hard dealing with all the many challenges that can come with adoption - especially when you throw complex needs into the mix. As a single adopter I imagine it feels like a mountain to climb daily, in flip flops.

I hope you’ve found some more immediate help from the folk @Ted27 posted above. In terms of actual support, it sounds like whatever PAS has put in place isn’t touching the sides and I know from my own experience when whatever intervention doesn’t work there can be a subtle (or not so subtle) inference that it’s because the parent isn’t doing things right.

I hear how ashamed you feel, maybe it’s time to have an honest, very firm, discussion with social about about this placement disrupting. Your child’s needs sound very complex and just too much for a single adoptee - they may need more complex care and full time professional support. That’s not because you can’t parent, but some very complex needs simply need more intervention than can be given at home. You may be able to explore a specialist residential setting for your child, which may allow you to rebuild a relationship with them without the pressures of daily parenting. Your LA will resist due to cost, but it sounds like you’ve reached the end of your tether.

Please don’t feel guilty or shameful, any one of us could be in your position if the circumstances were aligned.

@1d1a1y , please believe me, you are most definitely not alone in your feelings and there should be absolutely no shame or blame attached to your current emotional response to your child.

A few things (apologies for the scattergun approach but I’m racing out of my front door for an imminent appointment):

have your child’s medical needs been properly diagnosed? I’m thinking the screaming sounds like autism/ADHD? These conditions are often overlooked in adopted children because professionals can get very hung up on attachment and trauma and not always consider the bigger picture?

is your child accessing the right school ie a setting for social and emotional behavioural issues rather than mainstream? Many of our children are so frozen and frightened at school and can present as compliant but then erupt at home because the pressure of putting on a front all day is exhausting.

are you claiming all the benefits to which you could be entitled ie DLA to relieve the financial pressure of part-time working? Do you get an adoption allowance because it most definitely sounds like you should (adoption allowances do not impact on benefits like Universal Credit and not does DLA).

can you ask your PASW to apply for Short Breaks funding so you can have a personal assistant take over the care of your child for a few hours a week to give you a break to recharge your batteries?

reach out to the very experienced adopters on the AdoptionUK forums to ask their advice.

read up around Section 20 orders and consider contacting Nigel Priestley (an adoption specialist lawyer) for a free consultation.

check out if there is a Caring for the Carers-type peer support group in your area; they can offer luxurious things like massages as well as listening ears.

try to hold your head up high with your neighbours (I’ve also been reported anonymously to the NSPCC and my LA’s frontline team due to the level of screaming coming from my house). I’m afraid it can come with the territory when you’re parenting a traumatised child with complex needs.

please read up on secondary trauma and blocked care as it sounds like you are stuck in a horrible place (been there, done that and worn the t-shirt so often that it’s now washed up, baggy and full of holes). Honestly, I think you need to start by thinking what you can do for you that could help to improve your quality of life.

I will check in again later. Sending you all my very best wishes and most positive thoughts. Please know that you are supported here.

Hello lovely,
I'm really sorry to read this.
My birth child has autism and adhd, some days I look at him and think, "if I'd have ever worked a job in tesco or an office before I had you, wtf would I have done with you?"
Im so lucky I've literally spent years, from high school practically, working with complex needs because otherwise I'd be insane, truly.
Now I appreciate your situation is a whole fucking gigantic traumatising situation that is completely different on almost every level, however the behaviour of your child does sound to be much more complex than most kids here.
You need help, you most definitely need to not consider thinking your own needs here as selfish but as a genuine, genuine right. Because you don't deserve to feel like this, nobody does.
You need some respite, at the very least a support worker your LA could look into giving your child.
I'm sorry to ask but do they have verbal understanding?
Would anything visual help them? Anything routine based? I'm just wondering if their needs being so complicated are they just unable to cope with anything and maybe an approach of constant structure etc? I'm sure you will have tried all this, I just want to help!
I really hope you're able to get support from the LA. I hope you don't mind me commenting as not an adopter, but I've a house of complex needs and just wanted to send love and support

@1d1a1y , just checking in to see how you are?

Thank you for all your replies, and I'm sorry for the delay in responding.

Yes my child is diagnosed ADHD and is autistic. They have an EHCP in place at school so finally the right support is there for them. It's just at home it's a horror story.

I don't feel like I could disrupt and return them to care, but I need to find a way of not being so triggered by the behaviour and the things they do. Im trying to do the self care, but it's the relentlessness of it, day after day it's soul destroying.

When they are on their ADHD meds, I can manage most of the time, as long as I don't take them anywhere and allow them to do what they want (screen time). The real problem times are from 5pm onwards once it's worn off and in the morning before the medication kicks in. I've spoken to the prescriber about this but apparently this rebound in the evening from ADHD meds is very common and nothing I can do about it.
But they are honestly like they are possessed. Won't do anything I ask, extremely impulsive and destructive, also won't go to sleep so I have no evenings to myself. I am just absolutely burnt out and am having some health problems myself so every day seems insurmountable.

I wish I had friends and a support network but those have long gone. I feel very lonely. I'm thinking about seeing my GP, really wanted to avoid anti depressants but it may be the way I have to go.

Do they have all their meds in the morning then? My knowledge of actually medicating for it is fairly limited and was for rittilin. The only time I've ever given meds for ADHD the dose was prescribed morning, lunch and evening.

Sorry posted before I could finish to say that I'm asking because ADHD is something that we might end up with a diagnosis of the way things are going.

Yes once a day in the morning as they are on the modified released version. Used to be twice a day but the slow release is better overall

Can other people cope with the child? Teachers or sports coaches without one to one support, I mean. If they can, I would find a sport that the child could do every day after school for two hours or more and all day at the weekend and sign him/her up for it. My son was very similar and this was literally the only thing that kept me (and him) sane.

They go to after school club every day until 5pm even on the days I don't work as it's the only way I can manage. After 5pm they need to be at home as medication rebound is in full swing.

They have 1:1 at school. But the problem is once the meds wear off they literally cannot follow instruction so could never participate in activities. Also they have to take melatonin in the evening an hour before bed.

I pay for holiday club every day in the school holidays so they are not at home all the time to give me a break. I dread bank holidays where they're home for more than 2 days. I don't take them on holiday as it's so stressful and it's no holiday for me so I'd rather not go anywhere.

Had to take them out of gymnastics previously as wouldnt follow instructions. Same with swimming, they caused so much stress with screaming at me trying to get them changed and out the door every Saturday because they didn't want to go, I persevered with it for 2 years, in the end I cancelled it as most weeks couldn't get them there and it was waste of money.

My LA have said previously they don't meet the criteria for Children's disability team as there is no learning disability and they don't support children with ASD/Autism alone. Therefore I am unable to access any kind of respite. The only thing my LA offers in terms of short breaks is 90min sessions which just wouldn't be worth it. By the time I'd drop them off would have to sit in car and wait there'd be no point in going home again.

PAS have been involved for years but they have no access to respite provision or PAs. Which is why I pay for more childcare than what i need for work as a way of giving me more time. Even though financially it is a struggle. I do get DLA but no adoption allowance.

Sorry meant ADHD /autism alone *

@1d1a1y , so pleased you came back and I hope you are finding the suggestions and brainstorming here helpful? Feel free to tell me to bugger off if not!

My teen adopted dd has autism and ADHD and it took a good few months to tweak her meds to get the optimal dose. I was also concerned about the rebound effect when the stimulant wore off and her practioner suggested adding in a smaller afternoon dose. I know it sounds counterintuitive, especially with regards to sleep, but have a read of the article from Additude magazine (a lifeline for learning about ADHD) below.

www.additudemag.com/adhd-medication-rebound/amp/

Honestly, it sounds to me that your child’s medication needs to be tweaked; you need to be able to have the best of your child, not school.

Depending on your financial situation, I would possibly push for an adoption allowance to help fund the extra out-of-school and holiday care. A bit of extra cash could also pay for some treats or whatever sparks joy for you.

Out of interest, what do PAS think you should do? What input have you had? Has any of it made any difference?

And the bigger question: as an adoptive community here, how can we best help you?

Sending you Bank Holiday solidarity! 💐

@EmmatheStageRat
Thanks for the article. To be honest we had a medication review 2 weeks ago and I was told that because they are getting 10 hours good effect from the meds then there is nothing I can do and the dose is correct.

In terms of PAS, we've had Theraplay and therapeutic life story work. We are also waiting to start sensory integration therapy as soon as ASF application is approved. The LS work was really helpful but obviously doesn't help with the behaviour.

Hopefully SI therapy will help but to be honest I find all of these interventions draining when I have such little energy as it is. PAS just keep telling me to do these interventions or recommend parenting courses to go on. When in reality what is going to keep us together is me having a regular break/support because the child is not going to change, and probably will only get worse as they get older.

I just needed a safe space to vent really without the judgment I'd get for saying how I feel in real life. I feel like realistically nothing is going to change no matter what intervention we do, they are just such a complex child but im grateful for the supportive replies and solidarity!

I hope you don't mind me posting @1d1a1y as I am not an adopter - but I have links to the adoption community.

I definitely would reach out to AdoptionUK and there must be other adoption charities who might be able to support you. They might be able to argue the case for respite care from you LA to prevent disruption, even get you legal advice, which in the end is more costly to the LA (and obviously devastating to all concerned).

Does you child have a social worker?

I know you are at your limit, and I really feel for you, it sounds exhausting. Please keep reaching out, there will be a way of getting you support, but you are going to either really push for it or threaten disruption IMHO.

@fishingforflies what are your links to the adoption community?

I am a member of AUK already but they are not going to be able to change the LA criteria for me. This is one of the unfortunate aspects of adoption, there is no respite. Whereas if the child was looked after, the FC would be able to access respite. I wouldn't threaten disruption either as it's not something I would go through with, not at this stage anyway.

Everything feels hopeless really, and I know it's just a vicious cycle when you are exhausted but I just have to keep going.

I, like @IndigoSkye above, would recommend the NationalAssociation of Therapeutic Parenting groups/helpline.

@1d1a1y , when I have my Michael Douglas in Falling Down moment (could be imminent due to my menopausal rage!), top of my list is every SW who has ever uttered the words ‘parenting courses’. 😜

I’m not sure how old your DC is, but a lifesaver for me in previous school holidays has been PGL kids’ Activity Holidays. There are bases all over the country, the holidays are affordable and action-packed for children between eight and 16, the pastoral care is superb and you could get a whole week to yourself in which to recharge your batteries.

www.pgl.co.uk/en-gb/adventure-holidays

@EmmatheStageRat

would getting signed off work for a few weeks help? when I hit rock bottom I had a month off, slept for two weeks and then started tackling the issues - which were no where near as extreme as yours.
I’m no expert but I do wonder if the medication is right. I have a friend who’s daughter sounds very similar ( less adoption related issues) She is more than capable of trashing the house, can be very aggressive and have the most traumatic meltdowns. I can see when she needs her meds, but for the most part its under a reasonable level of control.
Is a second opinion worth a go?

@Ted27 to be honest I enjoy work as it's a distraction from everything and my only real interaction with other people. But yes it's definitely an option if I needed it thank you

Have you considered a residential placement? PM me if you would like some info.

I’m so sorry you’re struggling like this. It sounds awful.

Ive no advice re your DC at all but was wondering feting if you had tried Adoption U.K. to find other adopters near you?

There’s an (official) Facebook group for my region and through that I found an (unofficial) group for my city. We have (day time, child free) coffee every week or so and trade stories, tips and sympathy. That helps me enormously, just to have an outlet.

I’m so sorry you are going through this, it’s so unfair.

I don’t have an adopted child so can’t even begin to appreciate the additional layers of complexity but do have one (now adult) with ADHD/ASD and a whole heap of other letters. When they were 10yo their extremely supportive and accommodating school was going to ditch them due to extreme behaviours at school. They were on Concerta and ADHD hyperactivity and attention were okay on it but their emotional regulation was causing all sorts of issues. Their specialist started a low dose of risperidone and things turned around. Initially at night only, but a couple of years in a morning dose was added. They were in no way bombed out except initial settling in period as they slept pretty much straight for two weeks then came out the other side, alert and with energy to run around etc. They were much happier and settled within themselves and the extreme behaviours stopped. Not saying this is right or suitable for your child just giving our story. We also stopped the melatonin at night about 12 months in with the risperidone as was no longer needed.

They are now an adult and still on Concerta and risperidone and things did improve, also facilitated by not having to fit with a structure that was ill suited in the younger years (they hated many subjects forced to do in primary and lower high schools, but when got to choose in senior school things went better all round including like minded friends). So much so they ended up doing a challenging degree and now have a great job they fit like a glove. If they had to do many jobs they would be fired within 10mins but with something that suits it goes well.

Again, appreciate you have many different challenges as well due to your child’s background. I really wish both of you the best and really hope you can both find a path through.

Hi hope you dont mind me giving advice as my son isn't adopted.

Our son's are extremely similar and i can relate to everything you are feeling.
I finally saw my doctor and was prescribed beta blockers and antidepressants.
I can honestly say they have helped ds is just the same but my reaction and feelings aren't.

I hope you feel better soon x