Feel suicidal with how bad things are

[1d1a1y]

Honestly can't go on like this. I'm 7 years in. Adopted child with hugely complex needs and the most horrific behavioural problems and emotional needs that have destroyed my mental health, physical health and my life.

I have no resemblance of any kind of normal life. No friends anymore, absolutely no support network anymore, single adopter, no family. Can't go anywhere because of their behaviour and screaming in public. Am trapped in my house. Can only work very part time because I can't cope with full time and the endless meetings with professionals.

I feel guilty to say this but I have begun to absolutely hate this child. Every night I feel like I am going to have a heart attack with the stress and the adrenaline pumping round my body, my heart pounding out of my chest because of their screaming and throwing things and hitting.

I'm on eggshells with my neighbours after they made safeguarding referal about me a while ago when I lost my temper and was screaming at the child. Obviously this is not how I want to parent but I feel dead inside.

I cannot give any more of my time and energy to endless interventions from PAS that simply do not work. I honestly feel like there is no way out of this hell and I cannot take the shame of telling anyone how I feel because no one sees what I am living with and the hell that goes on behind closed doors. Please tell me I am not alone in these feelings. It honestly makes me want out of this life.

Hi OP
I read this board as a prospective adopter so my ability to offer advice is very limited. However I wanted to comment to say I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. Also you mention friendships drifted away because you were in a different life stage to your old friends due to coping with these challenges. Are you able to join any support groups locally for adopters or Parents with children with ADHD/autism? A completely different situation but I know when I was going through pregnancy loss and infertility treatment this was really important as sometimes we need people who really understand our particular situation so as not to feel alone. I hope you are able to access the support you need and things improve for you and your LO.

I was a problem Child, and my Parents just didnt know what to do with me
I was always getting into trouble, and in the end they sent me to a special school.

Years on now, I realise how much I love them now, and they were both total Superhero's.

I had what I call an " Internal Scream" or a Loud constant Buzz in my head that I couldn't get rid of.

I tried it with Self Harm and other things.

I am finally calm, very similar to when a Horse is Broken in.

I was calmed down with many different things
"Good Things"

It wasn't that they drifted away because of different life stages, it was because no one wants to spend time with someone who has a child constantly screaming and demanding things whilst you're trying to have a conversation. A child who cannot cope with my attention on anyone else for even 5 seconds so has to cause massive disruption to get the attention back on them because of their attachment problems. I also have no one to babysit that I can leave them with so can't meet friends in the evening etc.
In terms of local support, AUK does not have a meet up in my town, and the nearest one I can't get to.
In terms of Autism support groups, the only local one is a stay and play for toddlers so not suitable, and I would say the problems are much more adoption related so probably still wouldn't relate.
Appreciate your suggestions though. Thank you

I think that is what I'm going to end up on too, have been putting it off. I'm glad to hear the meds have been helpful to you