Attachment to one parent

[Newuserusee]

We recently adopted a second child, and this child has attached to me to the point of no return and literally hates every other adult and person.

It feels as though another adult looks at her and it sets her off crying and she needs a cuddle from me. It feels as though this attachment is very unstable but it’s also ridiculous as I can’t cope with it!

She won’t let my partner do anything and won’t cuddle him at all - or even really play with him. She won’t go to him for anything. My partner feels as though he might aswell not be in this relationship. He tries so hard with her but it literally gets him no where. I have to physically be away from them completely (not even be in the house) for anybody else to get a look in.

She’s been with us for 6 months now and it’s just not improving. We go two steps backward for every step forward. I understand she had a lot of change with the foster cared but I can’t see how to improve it.

I know it’s wrong but I get so frustrated with it as I see my relationship falling apart because of this. I feel like every day I wake up and I have to justify to my partner why we have a second child and why we should stay together as a family.

She is small (nearly two) but my partner says he hates her and I can see why. She’s an utter misery to be around - Constantly on edge of crying. We give her calpol often because we are worried about teething but it’s getting ridiculous now.

I feel so low and I find myself getting so frustrated with her and occasionally getting cross because she is essentially being horrible to my partner. I know she is little and not verbal so it’s very hard to explain and also I understand a lot of it is that she doesn’t get her way - so she cries as this is all she can do.

I want her to go back and to go back to just having one child, but we can’t do that because it would devastate our older child and it would mean bouncing around foster carers for ages.

I just don’t have it in me to be therapeutic when she’s ruining my whole life at the moment!

I don’t think this is post adoption depression it just feels impossible!!!

Our son was like this but rejecting of me, rather than my husband. We had theraplay which helped massively. He can still be rejecting towards me at times and prefers his dad but we have a pretty strong attachment now after 2 years at home.

Sounds like you're having an awful time. What are your social workers saying? I'm sure people will tell you to hang in there but it sounds like you're at breaking point. Get there advice.

I'm sure you can improve this situation of you want to but you need help.

She’s petrified. You’re the only person she feels vaguely safe with and she can probably sense your resentment and it’s making her cling harder.

My god. What she’s already been through. What she’s going through now.

Get some support for you and for her. I’ve lived it - my son refused to attach to me for six long months and it triggered me deeply. I was angry, resentful, devastated, exhausted, rejecting of him when he rejected me, etc. it took time. Nearly two years on he still has some insecure behaviours with adults he doesn’t know (he performs, he charms, he needs to try to control) but with me he is relaxed and mainly feels safe. He was 22 months when he came home. He’s 3.5 now. It’s been a long couple of years and we have a longer path to go.

Put her needs first. Find your calm. Take a deep breath and do what you need to do to make her feel calm. Tell your husband to stop taking it personally. Engage in play and laughter and playfulness. Read up on attachment building games. Just make things light wherever you can do she can laugh. I didn’t do this for the longest of times and I bitterly regret it. Sometimes when I’m exhausted and ill (both very much right now) I forget to. It makes a world of difference. Stop chucking Calpol down her.

She’s been through so much. She’s grieving and scared and has been traumatised. It will get better but it has to start with you and your behaviour. Don’t wait for her to suddenly snap out of it.

In practical terms I told my social worker I wouldn’t apply for an adoption order until I got some support. They paid for me to speak with an adoption therapist (some of her advice to me is above) and got her some therapeutic support. The latter is okay - he’s a bit too young for it tbh - but talking to his therapist and understanding more and more of why he behaves in some ways helps me to help him on a deeper therapeutic level than I could imagine. Get help, tell the social workers you’re considering distraction (that’s what I did because that’s what I was thinking about every day) and be proactive.

*disruption!

Your partner says he hates a baby because she's traumatised?

You need some urgent outside help. You must be aware that at not even 2 years old, she isn't capable of rational thought.

Your partner needs to develop a tougher skin and I'm surprised you weren't prepared for all this in advance

Having said that though, it sounds horribly tough for you all so you just speak to your social worker asap

This babies entire life has been ripped apart and butchered more times than we can know and nobody would have been able to communicate with her what is happening or why.

Did either one of you look into the massive amounts of trauma adopted children go through? You literally signed up to this.
She didn't.

But you want to tap out and pile on even more trauma for her?
Have you read things like the primal wound? Have you understood where her behaviour is coming from so that you can support her in it?

I think Mahrezzy says it all and is incredibly helpful. Op please read it through a few times.

After reading the advice here it is worth taking her to the doctor to check that she doesn't have an infection or any otherphysical reason for the crying. Tell them how much Calpol you have given and get advice on that too.

I totally regret posting here - a couple of these comments are totally unsupportive.!

I’m going to ask my social worker about theraplay - thank you for this suggestion.

Do you think in the frame of mind I wrote what I wrote - I needed additional guilt from strangers? I appreciate what she is going through, she’s bloody here! I can hear what she’s going through! Also - I’m not the bloody one who did it to her! I am supporting her through that. But I have another child and I have a partner and everybody has needs that have to be met and given there is another child with trauma, it’s not fair that his are not met because her needs are more demanding.

Also - we never have meetings with social workers. So there’s nobody to ask. They don’t seem to care that we haven’t applied for the adoption order.

I think I posted in a dark moment - but I regret it so please do not comment if you have any more guilt to lay on because we have enough of that here.

I'm sorry you're regretting posting. Of course you know about the trauma and what she's been through and is going through. Understanding it and living in it every day are 2 different things. We had similar situation but to a lesser extent though our AD was a bit older so could comprehend a bit more of what was happening and why which has helped I am sure.
Could you contact post adoption support? I can't understand why you are having no social worker meetings, we get ours or AD social worker visiting every few weeks and a review every couple of months. I am saying this as a reflection on them, not you, I thought this was something they have to do. They are letting you down. They could offer theraplay help, counselling support, at the very least a supportive hand hold. There is a book you can buy on theraplay that is useful with lots of game ideas in.
It is hard and it is also hard to find that time to step back away from those feelings you have building up. You're exhausted and it's an emotional time for everyone and it sounds like you're also worrying about your husband and other child too on top of all this. Is there a way you can build in some time for a breather for you all to have moments of space to even get out and have a coffee? I found just a bit of time helps lower my worry and frustrations which has helped and things have got better. Our AD needed a lot of reassurance that she is staying with us and living here and a lot round routine, we have a timetable of what is happening throughout the day and with who. Whenever we see people we tell her what is happening next for reassurance and as reassurance she is staying with us forever. We've done this on repeat and it is sinking in gradually.We also give choices between 2 things where it works to enable her to feel like she has more control too. And can I just say, toddlers are hard, we went straight in to age 2 and a half and the mix of toddler tantrums and need for control with all the changes they faced was a minefield.

I've waffled a lot sorry, I kept trying to think of things that may help and I have fuzzy evening brain now for sure. There will be others along with some good advice, I just wanted to make sure you know you are heard and understood here and please do post. We're here to lend an ear, give advice or hand hold.

I don't want to be unsupportive and I acknowledged this must be awful for you all. But you must know that giving her ridiculous amounts of calpol and saying your partner literally hates her is a real concern.

My advice to seek outside help asap stands

Oh god OP you’ve had some harsh responses here.

You sound overwhelmed, and settling in one child is very different from having two to care for - it’s utterly relentless and not something you could predict in terms of intensity.

I’d echo advice to seek support from social work - they should really still be visiting regularly especially given the challenges with settling a new little one with an existing adopted child. Theraplay is helpful, you can look up theraplay exercises on google which will give you some ideas to try, games that are focussed on fostering attachment. I’d also have her checked out medically, especially things like sight, hearing, sensory deficit can play havoc with little ones because it impacts the way they experience the world but often aren’t picked up while in care because everything is out down to developmental delay or trauma.

It’s not at all unusual for a child to cling to one parent, it’s not attachment in its clinical sense so much as clinging to a life raft, and it’s much less risky to try and cling to one, and possibly be let down (as per their previous experience) than to cling to more people and be let down. I can understand it’s hard for your husband and can imagine in his darker moments his feelings towards her won’t be good.

You both need to try and feel it less personally, which is hard because your child/parent relationship is deeply personal. She has no control over her reactions, they’re instinctive and come from a place of fear - which you know. Your reactions also are instinctive - your family feels under threat and you and your DH are trying to cope with that and so you’ll be in fight or flight too.

Can you both get some counselling individually or together where you can talk openly about your feelings and get some support for each other? It’s very intense and just having a bit of an air lock can help. Most of all be gentle with yourself and each other, it’s hard going and you deserve kindness in getting through it.

@Newuserusee I don’t know if you’re including mine in the posts that have upset you. I thought about your post and situation a lot last night. I don’t know how to say this in a way that doesn’t come across as harsh so please forgive the tone - but isn’t it ironic that you’re upset that there’s been a lack of empathy and support in some posts towards you when there isn’t an inch of empathy for your daughter coming across in your original post?

I’m worried about your daughter. She IS your daughter, this is what you signed up for. A crying, miserable child needs united parents who want to help her. She’s not ‘ridiculous’. Many posters on here will be like me - we are concerned for your daughter. This is about your daughter, but help starts with you. Only you can turn this around for her as you’re the parent.

I don’t want to upset you and want to help. Please DM if you want to (I’m very unwell with some horrible nursery bug so may be delayed in replying). I found these boards a lifeline when I had dark days.

I also hope that you didn't think my post was unhelpful.

I agree with another poster upthread that there is a difference between knowing the theory and doing the reality, but when you write things like "I wasn't the one who caused the problem" it indicates a lack of understanding of the theory and I do think it is important to help you realise that.

I think that root problem here though is that you might be subconsciously blaming the child for the problems with your relationship, as what comes across quite strongly in your post is that your partner is not happy. I think it is likely from what you have said that your partner has unreasonable expectations and you are trying to placate him at the expense of your daughter.

If she is clinging to you, the best thing to do is to hold her and give her more time and attention (while also giving attention to your other child) until she is confident enough to start looking outwards. I wouldn't say she is attached to you from the sound of it, as a well attached child will not be clinging for dear life. And it is too early days to expect attachment. It sounds as though she sees you as the best possibility for safety. As I say, by increasing the attention and care and by not leaving her yet to try to force her to attach to your partner, she will grow in confidence.

Your partner has to find ways to cope, and to help you by being supportive and to give extra attention to your other child, and to generally be a calm and positive and engaged and regulated adult.

Another poster has suggested counselling to help him - if that would help then that is a good idea.

I think that there is a line between being supportive and enabling, and to not make you aware of the things in your post which are of concern would not be the right thing to do in my opinion. I hope you see this post as supportive.

I’m not the bloody one who did it to her!

In the kindest way possible, while you may not be the one who did it to her, in adopting her you signed up to help her through the hurt and harm caused by others. Which means trying to meet her need for a safe adult, which for her means she needs you close. I know that’s hard - I spent the best part of a year with two older kids who needed to be physically attached to me at all times - it’s so very difficult but it’s what they needed. They’re both much more secure now and life is easier but at that time they were terrified and needed safety.

I’d echo the advice to just let her be with you, once she feels more secure she’ll naturally adapt to others, start to explore her world and the people in it. That may take some time, your DH can help by spending time with your other child, helping them adjust to a new sibling, carrying the burden of household tasks etc while you help your little one heal.

If you consider from your child’s perspective in two years she’s been removed from birth parents (having experienced whatever adversity causes her to be removed in the first place), she’s then gone to foster care with people she doesn’t know providing very close care, once she’s felt remotely secure there, she gets moved to another family where she knows no one and has to adapt again to a new home, new people, new routine. It feels, looks, smells and sounds strange, she has a new sibling, new mum and dad - but that’s happened to her before and has changed, so who can she trust.

If someone took you away from everyone and everything you knew, put you with strangers and told you this is your family now, you need to find your place, as an adult with all your knowledge, resources and mature processing capacity, you’d really struggle, you’d probably be miserable, cry all the time, resist attempts to connect with strangers. As adults who chose this situation you and your DH are struggling - which is understandable because it’s very hard - but don’t seem to recognise that she, at a much younger age, will really struggle and need her parents help to cope. Instead her dad hates her because she’s miserable. You’d be miserable too in her position.

She’s a two year old child, without your resources or any power to influence or change what’s happened to her, and no capacity to process, make sense of it or even verbalise how she’s feeling. She needs care, empathy, acceptance, predictability and a sense of safety, and love in action.

You need somewhere you can take your frustrations and fears, support from your husband, so you can give this child what she needs.

OP, I'm not an adopter, so forgive this if I'm not rightly placed to give this advice.

One of my birth children is quite severely autistic, and from my reading and children from care settings I've met, trauma can present as autism quite a bit.

I'd suggest a total routine, maybe look on Pinterest or somewhere people who are super organised have their days planned out with military level execution and adjust one that will work for you and bubba.

If you can, get her mini versions of your things, so a small toy hoover and a little set of cloths and just an empty spray bottle, when you're doing your jobs, see if she'll copy you, you can have a bit of sensory play too. My son found this somewhat useful to understand when I needed to do Jobs, instead of screech at me and act out, he would eventually help, (often remaking mess, but it was a newer mess).

I'm sorry things are this tough, remember that you have a lovely little baba there who just wants love, you're tired and need some time off being supermum, that's allowed. Get your husband to push her in the pram for small amounts of time, build up their bond that way maybe? Good luck and please update this thread, I'll be thinking of you x

OP, you've been given a bit of a hard time here. I can hear you're struggling, and it sounds like you need a break- can your partner manage her for a couple of hours, so you can get out?

You say you don't think you have post-adoption depression, but does your partner?! To say he hates his new daughter- that's strong. Would he discuss the possibility with the GP? It certainly sounds like he needs to seek help. He is an adult, and it's not your job to look after him as well as the kids.

I second/third being honest with the social workers. One of mine was on full charm offensive to everyone apart from me- who they would just moan at, all day, for hours. It was exhausting. We got through it- lots of time outdoors, swimming, bath time, and (I know this will be unpopular with some posters) wine and chocolate. Whatever gets you through. Take every course, every therapy and every bit you can get from the adoption agency. It really will get better.

Ultimately, if it comes to it, you have to put your daughter's needs over your partners, and your relationship. This is where I echo some of the harsher posters' points. But it sounds like you as a family need help, and not judgement, because you sound exhausted.

@Newuserusee I read this thread last night and did not feel my place to comment as I am not an adopter. But what you are all going through really struck me!

You have had some harsh comments on here. But also some wonderfully supportive ones with some great advice especially from @Jellycatspyjamas. I am seeing a family in a very dark place, you need support ASAP. It's all very well and good talking about prioritising your girls needs, but no one can meet another persons needs without some kind of self care, whatever that may be. I really hope you manage to get some support that helps your family to heal and therefore helps this little girl to heal and grow with you all very soon. Lots of gentle hugs to you all x

I found the jump from one adopted DC to two very, very hard. There’s just so much more need involved than there would be with (most) birth children.

Our DD was quite rejecting of DP and it was really tough. It does get better though. And in the nicest possible way, your DP does need to man up a bit. Can he get some therapy for himself?

And I agree with leaning heavily on social services for support. Even if they’re not bothered by you not applying for the AO, they would be by a disruption so I’d start dropping that into the conversation.

It is very difficult going from one to two children, regardless of how they join your family (have a look on the parenting board in the he non adoption section. I am sure they will be a lot of threads about this). You are so used to meeting your family eldest child’s needs 100% of the time and them being your complete focus to having to manage two children with often competing needs. That’s really difficult. Most parents, the transition is slow because newborns sleep all the time but you haven’t had that transition period. That’s hard. For you, the children and your husband. You don’t need to be told it’s hard on the new addition. You know that and adding to the guilt you already feel (because you will feel mum guilt all the time because you are prioritising needs in a way you never had to as a mum to one). Be easy on yourself.

On a practical note, have you tried a sling for the youngest? I know they are not a newborn but I wonder if you can literally join her to your hip to free your hands for practical things and spending time with your other child? If she is physically joined to you, she will have the physically comfort she needs and allows you to focus on the other child. It might not work or be practical but worth a try maybe?

Also, are you getting time just you and your older child? That is incredibly important. When youngest is sleeping, don’t do housework etc, spend it with the eldest. This will be unpopular but why not timetable time into the week (evening or a few hours in the weekend morning) when you and your eldest go out? Your husband will be fine other baby and your eldest will need your undivided attention at times (because your youngest will be getting it a lot when they are about). By going and coming back, you will help build up attachment in your youngest too.

Also, do lots of games and activities with both kids. Things like the park, painting, play dough, going for a walk. Factor in times like this a few times a day. You join in too and your husband if he can (if not at work). Even years later, we still have a family activity where we all come together after dinner and play. It’s about re connecting after work and school. I know little one is little but she can have a crayon or similar. Sitting alongside your husband and not focussing on him will help build attachment too.

Where is time for the 2 parents? Do you have any time to just chat? That needs to be focused in too.

Also, look at your dynamics as a family of 4. What works? How do you manage chores? Does your husband do it all? It might be worth a frank discussion about what you can do minimally and dividing the rest. Standards have to slip unfortunately. How can the children be involved?

I hope this helps practically but I want you to know I know exactly how hard it is to go from one to two which feels like the issue, not the attachment (as this takes a long time and you know this already).

From what you've written here, it sounds like your husband is the problem, not your toddler. It sounds as though you are absolutely exhausted from looking after your children basically single handed, but that you'd probably be able to cope with that if it weren't for the added guilt trip from your husband.

Also, are you getting time just you and your older child? That is incredibly important. When youngest is sleeping, don’t do housework etc, spend it with the eldest. This will be unpopular but why not timetable time into the week (evening or a few hours in the weekend morning) when you and your eldest go out? Your husband will be fine other baby and your eldest will need your undivided attention at times (because your youngest will be getting it a lot when they are about). By going and coming back, you will help build up attachment in your youngest too.

This is really good advice. If you could write a daily schedule somewhere using pictures so the youngest starts to get a sense of what the day will look like, which builds predictability, even better. You can prepare your youngest by having something you leave with them while you’re away (a cuddle toy or something comforting) and by talking about what you’ll be doing, what they’ll be doing while you’re away and talking about how you’ll be thinking of them while you and sibling are doing x. When you come back spend time with youngest asking what they were doing (even if they can’t answer), what you were doing etc. That way you start to build a sense of that “invisible string” we talk about in attachment, they get a sense of you still existing and still holding them in mind when you aren’t physically there.

Children often regress when change comes along, so treat them as much younger. In the very small baby stage parents will chatter to their children about what they’re doing “mummy’s going to get you some juice, I’ll be back in just a minute” etc. Try keeping a running commentary on what you’re doing so they know - even if they can see you doing x, y or z talking them through it can really help.

By going and coming back, you will help build up attachment in your youngest too this is not true, this is not how you build attachment - there is zero research which supports this. The invisible string idea is helpful for older children not for children under 3 and even for older children you do not build up attachment by going and coming back.

I think it is better to keep the younger child with you until there are more signs of attachment and confidence from her.

And to expand on my last post, you build attachment by meeting a child's needs, which will be different from child to child. You should not artificially create separation situations to build attachment. With this sort of situation you need to balance the needs of both children very carefully, asking yourself the question, for example, is the time away necessary to meet the needs of the older child?

The invisible string is for where the separation is necessary and the child needs to be over a certain age to understand it (afaik the minimum age in relation to sufficient cognitive development is around 3) and it is helpful where the separation is necessary and unavoidable.

OP getting a break and coming back a better parent will undoubtably help attachment, and actually I found baby didn't understand I would come back until I did start coming back.

How are you feeling now, OP? The early days are the hardest.