Attachment to one parent

[Newuserusee]

We recently adopted a second child, and this child has attached to me to the point of no return and literally hates every other adult and person.

It feels as though another adult looks at her and it sets her off crying and she needs a cuddle from me. It feels as though this attachment is very unstable but it’s also ridiculous as I can’t cope with it!

She won’t let my partner do anything and won’t cuddle him at all - or even really play with him. She won’t go to him for anything. My partner feels as though he might aswell not be in this relationship. He tries so hard with her but it literally gets him no where. I have to physically be away from them completely (not even be in the house) for anybody else to get a look in.

She’s been with us for 6 months now and it’s just not improving. We go two steps backward for every step forward. I understand she had a lot of change with the foster cared but I can’t see how to improve it.

I know it’s wrong but I get so frustrated with it as I see my relationship falling apart because of this. I feel like every day I wake up and I have to justify to my partner why we have a second child and why we should stay together as a family.

She is small (nearly two) but my partner says he hates her and I can see why. She’s an utter misery to be around - Constantly on edge of crying. We give her calpol often because we are worried about teething but it’s getting ridiculous now.

I feel so low and I find myself getting so frustrated with her and occasionally getting cross because she is essentially being horrible to my partner. I know she is little and not verbal so it’s very hard to explain and also I understand a lot of it is that she doesn’t get her way - so she cries as this is all she can do.

I want her to go back and to go back to just having one child, but we can’t do that because it would devastate our older child and it would mean bouncing around foster carers for ages.

I just don’t have it in me to be therapeutic when she’s ruining my whole life at the moment!

I don’t think this is post adoption depression it just feels impossible!!!

Sorry op but you don't sound like you're understanding her. Did you have a 2 year old before? They're difficult. An adopted 2 year old who has been traumatised? Very difficult. You should be happy she's chosen to "cling" to you. Your partners sounds like he has no clue either. You can't take it personally. I'm worried for your ac, please don't give more trauma to her and give lots of love and cuddles instead. That's the only way it'll get better. And your dp is second, your dc are first. That's what parenthood is.

@Rosiethefemaleone If you are saying that you left your baby with other people but it has not affected their attachment to you, then I think it is likely that the people you left your baby with met your baby's needs and your baby had a relationship with them which enabled them to do so? Because that is what attachment is about at this age?

The problem here is that the OP's child is in a state of high distress generally, and there is no one they can be left with as the relationship with the OP's partner is fractured?

My point in my post above is that leaving a child with someone else and coming back doesn't build attachment in itself. It might teach a child that you come back, but that is a different thing. Building attachment is to do with meeting a child's needs, according to research.

Also in relation to going and coming back, a child under 3 (I think it is 3) does not have a sufficient cognitive development to understand time, and therefore may experience anxiety about the separation. However, this is going to more or less significant depending on who the child is left with, how long for, how often etc.

I do agree that the OP being okay and being a better parent and that meaning that attachment is better, but I think that is confusing different things. The way I see things, and this is just a personal thing, an attached child is more of a pleasure to be around, and so building the security and attachment first means that in the longterm things are easier. But if the OP needs time away now or otherwise she won't cope, that is a different matter. It is a balance.

Sending you much love, our son was v similar and rejecting of my partner a long time ( much more than 6 months) but we got there in the end. It was exhausting. Things that helped: carrying him all the time and everywhere, ( making tea, doing housework etc) I wish I'd got a sling for this, you can get one that firm a shelf the child could sit on. Routine and repetition that we were a family: having dinner and putting plates down: mummy's dinner, daddy's dinner, ds dinner', same routines as much as possible every day. For my wellbeing, structure to the day: 2 'activities' for each part of the day not big things but maybe play with train set then explore the garden etc. Getting out the house was crucial for me, we went the same walk every day Also finding one thing that partner did with ds that I didn't ( not an essential thing) theres was silly faces..many years later they share a sense of humour I just don't! My partner was pretty resilient and on board though, perhaps yours talking to another adoptive secondary carer about this would help. Adoption uk I think have a buddy system

Hi. 6 months is not a long time - you are probably still on adoption leave, right? So you probably spend the whole day together and the good news is that she has developed an attachment to you. Things will probably change for the better once she starts nursery and learns how to rely on other people. All I can tell you is that, that age group (from 1 to 3 years old) is really really though, and can put your patience and relationship to the test. But the good news is that it does get better! Our new son who was adopted at 8 months, basically went from being a quiet and easy-going boy, to being the biggest drama queen and sometimes it’s as if he is possessed by a demon. 😅 Luckily we’ve been through this before and know it’s just a phase. I think in your case, you adopted your child right at the point when they were going through these major developmental changes, so it’s a double shock for her - going through the trauma of experience a major change in her life through adoption, and at the same time growing up to experience all of these feelings that she can’t control which is typical of her age. But the good news is that she has an attachment to you. Now is just a question of teaching her how to become independent from you. I can’t really tell you how to do that, since every parent and child are different and I don’t know what your daily routine and experience with her us, but it’s important that you start giving her the tools to become independent from you and being able to not rely on how you much, and also start learning how to deal with her frustration and negative emotions without you intervening all the time. Also, I don’t know how involved your partner is with her daily routine. I know it’s easy for the primary carer to fall into the habit of doing everything for the child, but I think it’s fundamental that the child sees that the secondary carer also has a role and specific tasks in the household in terms of chores (beyond arriving home and playing together).

Good luck! It will get better.

I’m not sure if your elder child is adopted but;
My 2 attached so very differently.
With my elder child the transition from not attaching to attaching was the hardest phase of parenting harder than the rejection, and yes we had 3 steps forward and 2-6 steps back before we reached a sweet spot.
Second time around the fact that they attached to me first and strongest was very hard for my husband, because before he was the favoured one.
Your daughter needs a primary attachment.
You need a break it sounds like. At this point all you can do is treat yourself kindly and work on this at a sustainable level.
Do you or your husband use a sling, some come in toddler sizes and may be worth considering. I actually found it most useful in my elder child who struggled more to attach.
Your husband may as well. There are groups around who will happily help you find the right fit and best way to wear one.
Make your GP and health visitor your biggest allies in accessing support. CAHms can offer attachment support but it took us a long time to get it. It paid off massively but CAMHS were clear they would not help if we were considering disruption.
Which brings me to the final point- do you want this?
Yes you’ve made a commitment, yes your older child will be devastated but if you don’t want this then you could set your DD up for a very unhappy childhood and your family up for misery dis-function and insecurity. You don’t have an easy way forward but you have to decide soon.

My heart breaks for you all OP. I'm not going to berate you but please remember that this child is still a baby. 6 months is no time at all for them to feel secure. This won't be forever but the more you resist it and the more frustrated you and DH get the more she'll resist as it's going to completely knock her confidence. Push for adoption support and it sounds like DH needs some sort of counselling tbh. There's no room for him to be this insecure about your child and if he can't realise that then perhaps this isn't right for you both and as pp have said you need to decide this quick to give your child the best chance of recovery if this does all fall through. Tbh though what you're describing is relatively typical in lots of children not just adoptees. I'm not judging you but perhaps if you really can't cope then you have to ask yourself if you can give any adoptee what they really need. Good luck whatever happens xx