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Adoption

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Original poster

Any adopted adults feel this way?

47 replies

ivfbabymomma1 · 02/02/2022 22:12

Hi all,

I was adopted (closed adoption) when I was 8 weeks old. (34 now) My birth mum was 15 and felt she was too young. Anyway I was adopted by my wonderful parents, they told me I was adopted very young and so it's always been my norm and I've always been very at peace with it and open.

Until now.... I gave birth to my perfect little boy in 2019. I have honestly never ever felt love or a bond like I do with him.

However. It's now created all these feelings about my own past and they are destroying my mental Health. I feel like how could my birth mum have given me up in the hospital, why wasn't i good enough? How could she have just walked out that hospital? I've started to feel rejected and it's really really affecting me now. I don't feel worthy of being loved anymore and it's affecting my marriage :(

Has anyone else felt like this?

Please note I don't mean to cause any offence with what I've said, they are just my feelings right now and it's all very raw & new to me.

Back story if relevant. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and had a lovely childhood etc etc

Thank you!

OP posts:

underneaththeash · 02/02/2022 22:21

You probably wouldn’t have had the same lovely childhood though with a 15 year old mum. She was 15 (I have a 15 year old and he’d be a terrible parent) their brains are too focused on themselves to properly care about another human being. She did the right thing. Don’t dwell on it.

Malteser71 · 02/02/2022 22:30

It wasn’t you, it was her.

The fact you’re overwhelmed with love for your little boy shows you’re ready to be a mum. She just wasn’t.

She may well think of you every day.

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 02/02/2022 22:37

Thank you both!

You're right she wasn't ready. And she knew someone else could give me a better life and they did.

I hope these feelings go soon! I don't want to attempt contact or anything like that

OP posts:

RandomMess · 02/02/2022 22:40

I suspect she was torn in two and she made her head over rule her heart.

Leaving you most likely broke a bit of her heart, her first love, always remembered.

EG88 · 02/02/2022 22:48

I felt it was really important to counter the above posters advice incase you read it tonight and felt a little unsettled by it. I am an adopter not an adoptee but I just wanted to validate your feelings and say firstly how brave it is of you to share them and look for advice and secondly how very understandable it is that you should have such feelings after your own experience of childbirth. Though I have no experience of this myself it seems completely understandable that this has brought on a lot of reflection on your story and the choices your birth mum made. Just because you felt "at peace" with your own story in the past does not mean you must continue to be and asking questions of yourself and others (through conversation with trusted loved ones and, if you feel able, through counselling) might help you find peace again in the future. I'm in no doubt that far wiser contributers to this forum will share their thoughts in the morning, but tonight it felt important to respond and say how brave I think you are to be addressing these feelings and not push them to one side. When it comes to our emotional health dwelling on it with proper support is exactly what you need to do in order to find peace.

TheUsualChaos · 02/02/2022 22:50

She was 15 and the chances are her feelings at the time reflect her relative immaturity compared to those you felt on the birth or your own child. Her coping mechanism might have been to not allow herself to bond with you as she knew she had to give you up. Or she might have felt that instant overwhelming love and her heart was completely broken. No doubt she will have struggled with these emotions all her life and the what ifs. She had to do something very brave and difficult so that you could have the childhood she couldn't give you at the time and I think that can only come from a place of love.

MrsMatty · 03/02/2022 00:39

I am an adoptee too, and I know those complicated feelings when we are trying to make sense of things. Like you I had a very happy adoption with wonderful parents, but when my own children were born, that raised many issues for me about my birth mother.

I think one thing to bear in mind is that your birth mother was only 15. At that age she might have had very little choice as to whether she kept you or not. She would have been very reliant on her parents or maybe social services and the matter could have been taken out of her hands. It is very likely that she was heartbroken but powerless, even if she did want to keep you.

I too used to wonder if I wasn’t good enough to be kept, but really it’s about the birth mother’s circumstances at the time. In the end I made my peace with being adopted, though it’s perfectly natural to wonder ‘what if…’ I hope you’re feeling about it all soon x

Ted27 · 03/02/2022 00:45

Hi
I'm also an adoptive mum, not an adoptee.
My son is 17, we have had a really good adoption. He knows that he would never have had the opportunities he has had or the the life he will have, if he had stayed with his birth family. The difference with you is that he was adopted at 8, knows his birth mum and dad and knows how much they let him down, and importantly why they did.

In his darkest times, that doesnt stop him feeling the way you do, that he wasnt good enough. When I say I'm proud of him, he is still puzzled as to why I am proud, because the self esteem isnt there.

Your rational self knows that in all liklihood she didn't trip out of the hospital without a backward glance, that she has probably cried many tears for you. At 15 she would have needed her parents support- maybe they didnt give it, or maybe she was in care herself. So many potential reasons why - but whatever it was, she will have done it to give you a better life than she could. You are 34, with a husband and stable life, she was a child herself.

But it leaves you with so many unanswered questions and perfectly understandable feelings.

I think its unlikely that these feelings will just go away. Have you accessed your adoption file? That may give you some answers. I wonder why you aren't seeking to contact her. There is no right or wrong answer to that, I just wonder how you have arrived at that decision.
Maybe some counselling would help? My son had extensive therapy around his life story, its helped him to make sense of it all. Worth giving some consideration to, but I think the worst thing you could do is to try and push these feelings away or bury then in some way.

GaiaWise · 03/02/2022 02:37

I worked for many years with adult adoptees who have struggled with loss, identity issues and feelings about abandonment. It can often be triggered by having your own child.

There are various options that may help - your LA post adoption team may Be able to provide guidance/ counselling. There also peer support groups for adults.

Have you accessed your full records? You have to treat the information with caution. I have worked in numerous cases where it was reported to be the birth mothers choice when in fact she was forced by her family or not supported to make caring for their child viable.

I have traced birth mothers who had purchased and kept birthday cards for their child, for every year, in the hope that they would be found,

Of course, not all outcomes are positive which is why I would always recommend a specialist adoption counsellor to help you process what you know before further decisions.

PM me if you would like more advice.

Best of luck. 🙂

ifchocolatewerrcelery · 03/02/2022 08:27

Hi I'm an adoptive mum, I've done lots of reading of blogs by adopted adults and what you're feeling is something that many adopted adults feel when they go on to have families of their own. I say this because I think it's important that you know that you're feelings are valid and that you're not alone in feeling this way. Nothing you are feeling now takes away from your upbringing, you are allowed to feel like this. Like other posters I would recommend contacting your local post adoption support in your local authority. Other organisations to consider are adoption U.K. and PAC-U.K.

appareil · 03/02/2022 10:13

I am an adopted adult and I most definitely found that things changed after having dc. It was an epiphany moment for me about emotional intimacy because was something I just had not got up to that point!

It changed the way I saw other relationships too. So it was a lot to work through. My very strong advice is to ignore the poster who said "don't dwell on it" and instead set some time aside to work out your feelings and properly process them, so that they don't affect you or your parenting or get in the way. Writing them down really helps.

For me I found it very helpful to get to know my biological mother as an adult, to completely understand why certain things happened when. We can make assumptions about 15 year olds which can help to a certain extent, but I personally found it better to find out for myself. However, I have a sibling who feels the opposite, so everyone is different here.

I also found that as my dc reached certain ages, memories of how things were for me at that age were triggered. The way I handle my dc is also quite different from how my adoptive parents handled me and again this has been something I have needed to process and deal with. It is difficult to find the time to do this as a parent, I have grabbed moments of peace to do it!

I see it as bitter sweet really, coming to terms with the past. I am really happy about my situation now, and if you are too, that is the important thing!

Lastly, something I have not really talked about with other adopted adults before is the possibility of genetic memory, I sometimes feel that my dc have insights about things which are outside their day to day experience.

appareil · 03/02/2022 10:15

*emotional intimacy because that was something I just had not got (ie understood) up to that point!

HacerSonarSusPasos · 03/02/2022 10:17

She was 15. A kid. Do you honestly think it was her choice? How could she have kept the baby when she wasn't even old enough to get a job? If her parents refused to help her out she literally had no other choice, no matter how she felt about you.

And that doesn't have anything to do with how much she loved your or how worthy you are.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 03/02/2022 10:24

Also, keep in mind she will have been 14 or a young 15 when she conceived. Well under the age of consent. The pregnancy may well have been the result of grooming or assault or any similar traumatic circumstances which would have made the decision even more complex.

Do you know anything about the biological father?

appareil · 03/02/2022 10:30

@HacerSonarSusPasos

And that doesn't have anything to do with how much she loved your or how worthy you are.

The OP has talked about feelings and your post is more about rationalising ("do you honestly think..."). I think both perspectives are useful but they are different.

I hope you don't mind me asking, and if you do then please ignore, but are you adopted or an adopter (or neither)?

appareil · 03/02/2022 10:41

OP one last thing - you have mentioned that this is affecting your self esteem as you don't feel worthy of love. It might help to look at your self esteem and seeing your worth and unique qualities as independent of anyone else, everyone is special and deserves love, the fact that not everyone receives it isn't a reflection of who they are. Talking to a therapist about this might help?

2old2beamum · 03/02/2022 11:34

I fall into both camps, have adopted several children and also adopted by my father's second wife. My birth mother literally dumped me on Paddington Station (no laughing please) I was 8 years old I think it was prearranged as my father turned up five minutes later but as a child it seemed like hours. I have not seen her since.

I stupidly tried to contact her when I was fifty, big mistake. She wrote back telling me not to contact her again as I reminded her of the worst time of her life. I found this 2nd rejection awful I had a good career, midwife/paediatric nurse and wanted nothing from except acknowledgment. Sadly my half sister has also refused contact. I fully understand how you feel, for me it was I so awful she could just leave me without a backward glance.

However I am so lucky, OH solid kind bloke, 3 lovely homegrown kids, and 8 adopted children. Please don't forget it was not your fault you were just a lovely baby who had caring adoptive parents.....weren't they the lucky ones!

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 03/02/2022 19:56

Firstly thank you so much to every single reply! They helped me navigate my feelings this morning and really made me see things from her perspective.

It brought me to tears of relief to just here other people's experiences as I've never spoken to anyone who's been adopted before so thank you!!

To answer a few questions, the dad was her bf who legged it when he found out and thus there is no record of him. I know nothing about my birth mum other than her name and the name she gave me at birth. I used to have a photo but I lost it years ago!

@2old2beamum im so sorry to hear of your story. And this is the exact reason I won't contact my own family. Too scared of a second rejection!

OP posts:

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 03/02/2022 19:58

@HacerSonarSusPasos that exact situation has been in my mind for a while. I don't know the age of the bf or it even that's true and she might have got groomed, raped etc and no one will tell me.
Another reason I don't think I'm ready to find out my files 😢

OP posts:

Original poster

ivfbabymomma1 · 03/02/2022 20:00

For everyone that mentioned therapy I definitely agree that's something I will look into! And thank you for the links and organisations etc

I'm really grateful for everyone for just taking a few minutes to listen to me xx

OP posts:

Ozanj · 03/02/2022 20:09

@HacerSonarSusPasos

And that doesn't have anything to do with how much she loved your or how worthy you are.

And yet in that exact same position many underaged mums in the UK do choose to keep their babies since the rate of adoption for babies is so low. And 15 isn’t so young compared to 16 which is our age of consent.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 03/02/2022 20:21

@Ozanj but I can assure you those who keep the babies do it with the support of their family or their partners. So it's still down to circumstances too, not just personal choice.

Plus, attitudes towards teenage pregnancies will have been much different 34 years ago.

Also, I see all this judgement on the 15 year old girl, but not a single word about the boyfriend who ran from it all? Let's pause and ponder the mysoginy in that....

Ozanj · 03/02/2022 20:24

Having a baby is an emotional time. It’s natural to ask these questions if you have had less than the ‘perfect’ childhood. I just want to say don’t romanticise her. Don’t try and build her up / justify her decisions in your because when / if you do decide to track her down and she isn’t the tragic hero in your head you will be gutted. (I have experience of this with my Dad - it took nearly 10 years for me to recover from it).

Ozanj · 03/02/2022 20:32

[quote HacerSonarSusPasos]@Ozanj but I can assure you those who keep the babies do it with the support of their family or their partners. So it's still down to circumstances too, not just personal choice.

Plus, attitudes towards teenage pregnancies will have been much different 34 years ago.

Also, I see all this judgement on the 15 year old girl, but not a single word about the boyfriend who ran from it all? Let's pause and ponder the mysoginy in that....[/quote]
We don’t know what the boy did or didn’t do. It’s just rumours as he isn’t on the birth certificate. Lets not create this tragic heroine in our heads - the truth is OP has no idea why she was given up. And 20-40 years ago, in many areas, a 15 year old single mum would have received much more support than they do now. Many of my friends who got pregnant at similar ages at the time were put in council houses within months after they told authorities of their pregnancy & would get help from social workers in how to apply for benefits (as well as benefit advances - all in cash because bank accounts weren’t needed). That would never happen now.

HacerSonarSusPasos · 03/02/2022 20:51

@Ozanj so the boy gets the benefit of the doubt, but the girl we shouldn't turn into a "tragic heroine". Got it, makes sense 👌

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