Any adopted adults feel this way?

[ivfbabymomma1]

Hi all,

I was adopted (closed adoption) when I was 8 weeks old. (34 now) My birth mum was 15 and felt she was too young. Anyway I was adopted by my wonderful parents, they told me I was adopted very young and so it's always been my norm and I've always been very at peace with it and open.

Until now.... I gave birth to my perfect little boy in 2019. I have honestly never ever felt love or a bond like I do with him.

However. It's now created all these feelings about my own past and they are destroying my mental Health. I feel like how could my birth mum have given me up in the hospital, why wasn't i good enough? How could she have just walked out that hospital? I've started to feel rejected and it's really really affecting me now. I don't feel worthy of being loved anymore and it's affecting my marriage :(

Has anyone else felt like this?

Please note I don't mean to cause any offence with what I've said, they are just my feelings right now and it's all very raw & new to me.

Back story if relevant. I have a wonderful relationship with my parents and had a lovely childhood etc etc

Thank you!

[quote HacerSonarSusPasos]@Ozanj so the boy gets the benefit of the doubt, but the girl we shouldn't turn into a "tragic heroine". Got it, makes sense 👌[/quote]
You are deliberately misunderstanding which suggests you have no idea how Op feels. I do. I built up a ‘tragic hero’ in my head re my birth Dad after I had DS and it fucked me up.

I'm not trying to defend the mother necessarily, but i thought it would be helpful to outline all the ways in which her mother's choices might have been entirely separate from her love towards OP and how it doesn't make sense for OP to tie this outcome to her worthiness or lack of. Though i do understand that these feelings cannot be rationed with and the issue is much more complex than that, so my effort might be very misguided.

But highlighting mysoginistic attitudes, that i still stand behind.

Yes to confirm I have no idea of the truth, what happened to her, why she made that decision or what happened to the boy / man.

The only facts I have are her name, age, my name & my adoption certificate. I choose not to ask or discuss with my parents. Well i didn't really care at all about knowing until now. Maybe I'll gently bring it up one day.

I don't blame her for what happened. In fact I don't have any feelings towards her as a person at all. I'm just going off now the situation made me feel since having my son.

If we were to ever meet I wouldn't be hostile or demand answers etc.

@HacerSonarSusPasos my feelings are absolutely not rational I 100% agree. I'm able to see both sides, I just image no one being there to love & bond with my son for the first 6 weeks of his life (I was in brief foster care, of course I was well looked after) and it makes me sad for myself?! In a very self centred way lol

I'm way over sharing now! I don't do this in person I promise 😂

@Ozanj I'm so sorry to hear that. As it stands I have no interest in finding her for fear of similar

Yes. In my case I knew a lot more about my birth dad as I was in contact with his family throughout my life. But I hadn’t really met him (my ‘Dad’ is my stepdad) and omg I let my feelings after childbirth prod me into meeting which was such a mistake. He just wanted a sounding board to justify his decisions while making it clear I wasn’t equal to the kids he had from his second marriage, but it was his ‘so what, I have four gc’ after telling him of my ds’ birth which broke me. That’s why I suggested not doing anything while you feel so raw. Get some professional help if needed (talking therapy helped me), give baby lots of cuddles, and just try to process how you feel right now before making any steps you can’t recover from.

@ivfbabymomma1 sorry if i came out as dismissive. Of course your feelings are valid and of course no reason or explanation would make the experience of knowing you were abandoned any less traumatic for you. But i just hope you find a way to disentagle what happened to you when you were a tiny baby from your sense of worthiness, because its so unfair to carry that burden too, in addition to all the sadness and confusion.

@Ozanj @HacerSonarSusPasos thank you both so much! I will certainly get some counselling!

@HacerSonarSusPasos i didn't think you were being dismissive don't worry. It's handy to see other perspectives and angles of things so thank you

Your feeling are your feelings, and that's ok- much better to accept them, and think them through, that bury them under 'logic'. It's natural that seeing your own beautiful baby would bring these things up for you- you were once that beautiful, innocent baby, who deserved love and care. As an adopter, I would be happy to chat this through- one of my children refuses to discuss birth parents etc, doesn't want to know much. I respect that, but that doesn't mean I'm not happy to help them carry and work through their feelings- that's what mums do, when DC is ready.

I believe many adopted adults feel this way- you're totally normal.

Hello, firstly I'm not an adopter (hopefully I will be) or adoptee, however I have a story I hope you'll take comfort from.

My own mum worked in place in the late 60s where babies of unmarried women and girls were taken in by nuns to be adopted. Whilst she worked there a woman she had gone to school with was forced to give up her baby. A girl. My mum saw this woman over the years, she had 9 sons. 9! Anyway she got pregnant finally with a little girl.
People thought she was insane having all those kids (I applaud her, it's my dream!) Anyway, no more babies once she had a daughter.
I imagine that woman missed her daughter every day, she just wasn't able for whatever reason to keep her. It always broke my heart to think of her desperately wanting a daughter. I hope you don't mind me telling you this. Having a baby is the time for anxiety and unexpected emotions to creep in and cause us drama.
Cup of tea and call your parents, remind yourself the support and love you have is incredible and you're in a position your BM sadly wasn't. I'm so happy you've got a connection to someone biologically now you're a birth mama, that must feel so special having this as your bond.
Also (sorry to go on) if you're getting upset over things that perhaps seem unreasonable, please don't hesitate to call HV or GP, baby blues spiral into PND very easily and don't let such a horrid, common thing such as that ruin a beautiful time for you and your family. You deserve to enjoy your beautiful baby xxx

@appareil

I am an adopted adult and I most definitely found that things changed after having dc. It was an epiphany moment for me about emotional intimacy because was something I just had not got up to that point!

It changed the way I saw other relationships too. So it was a lot to work through. My very strong advice is to ignore the poster who said "don't dwell on it" and instead set some time aside to work out your feelings and properly process them, so that they don't affect you or your parenting or get in the way. Writing them down really helps.

For me I found it very helpful to get to know my biological mother as an adult, to completely understand why certain things happened when. We can make assumptions about 15 year olds which can help to a certain extent, but I personally found it better to find out for myself. However, I have a sibling who feels the opposite, so everyone is different here.

I also found that as my dc reached certain ages, memories of how things were for me at that age were triggered. The way I handle my dc is also quite different from how my adoptive parents handled me and again this has been something I have needed to process and deal with. It is difficult to find the time to do this as a parent, I have grabbed moments of peace to do it!

I see it as bitter sweet really, coming to terms with the past. I am really happy about my situation now, and if you are too, that is the important thing!

Lastly, something I have not really talked about with other adopted adults before is the possibility of genetic memory, I sometimes feel that my dc have insights about things which are outside their day to day experience.

This really resonated with me, I am also an adoptee. I think you may find it helpful to try and engage with a post adoption support service although these can be thin on the ground. It could be the start of a process called 'defogging' which I definitely went through.

I agree about seeking some therapy. I know some (also closed) adopted adults who didn’t get therapy and have just been left to get on with it. I think for them the whole idea of really examining their feelings (about almost anything now actually) has become too scary. It’s affected them in different ways like their feelings about parenting. Their adult relationships and their self worth have been affected. It’s completely understandable why, but also painful to see when I wonder if there might be some relief they could get, if they could talk about their feelings to the right person.

You sound very emotionally aware and everyone’s different obviously, but this is a such a lot to deal with without any professional support. I hope you will find that from the organisations mentioned above and I wish you happiness with your lovely little one and DH.

I am an adult adoptee, there are a few of us on here (not quite enough for our own board, it would seem.) I am in my early 50s now, so from a closed adoption era. I was adopted from the hospital as an infant at 5 days old so have only ever known my adoptive family.

I have been in contact with my birth father previously (commercial DNA test) and I know quite a lot about my birth mother but have only passively tried to contact her. I'm not planning to pursue it actively.

It transpired that my birth father was also adopted so our contact was very...fraught...he had previously tried to make contact with his birth mother but she refused. He had also been in an orphanage for several months. TLDR: neither one of us was in the right place to 'hold' the other's needs in this situation. It was easily the toughest emotional experience I've faced. Between that and a lack of shared history and values, I had to exit and don't anticipate it will be possible for us to have a relationship at any point (and retain my sanity.)

I wish I'd had counselling with an adoption experienced counsellor prior to making contact. I have been in talking therapy but the adoption angle is a rather specialist skill. I still have some attachment issues, I'd venture, despite being with my family from year dot.

My birth father was married a couple of times but never had children with his wives. Not sure why, didn't feel I could ask.

My children have made me whole - it's a miraculous thing for me. Before them - I felt hatched. Or like an alien.

I did get very weird with my mum around the time my first DC was born. I was very possessive of DD and really wanted to scream: "She's MINE!!" I think many women have this feeling? To me - it felt heightened though. I am relaxed now but there was also a touch point when I had to tell my daughters about my adoption - it upset my mum. But anything else would have been a lie and also it's really interesting but my children don't see my adoption as anything to do with them. Funny how that is. Their grandma and grandpa are just that.

You can always send a PM.

Honestly everyone thank you so much for your support and lovely messages. I have written down a few key bits & organisations etc and Im really going to take in each point.

This is the first time I've ever really spoken about it and above all it's so nice to know I'm not "an alien" which a poster put and that's definitely how I feel not knowing or speaking to anyone with adoption ties.

I was definitely and still am possessive over my little boy. Even towards my husband. He's the only little piece of me I know. I do want to have another child in the future If I'm lucky enough. I want another child for many many many reasons but for the sake of this topic also because I feel I might smother him if he's an only due to that. Also I was an only and I always wanted a sibling. But hey that's a whole other topic 😬

Echoing what PP have said, you Mum probably didn’t have that much choice in the matter. She was 15, no boyfriend to support her, so would have been entirely dependent on the will of her own parents.

I imagine she’s thought about you every day. She probably has no way to contact you herself though so will be again br entirely dependent, but this time to what you want to do. Obviously, I don’t know her story at all, but it makes me so sad just to imagine how it feels to know your child is out there but you’ll never be able to find them.

I try and think of it, instead of focussing on not being good enough, focussing on being so wanted that a couple with no biological relationship to me wanted me as part of their family forever.

She was 15, a school girl, and may have had no choice. Her parents may have forced her to give up her baby.

Few 15 yr olds control their own lives; they have no independent home, income, job.

I was adopted pre 1975 so think the rules changed about name etc - meaning I think it won’t be too difficult for you to find out hers.

Watching Long Lost Family really soothed me. I sobbed through many episodes. After having my first child I was a bit in shock - couldn’t fathom giving birth and not walking out with the baby. Knew a bit about my BM - mid 20s, would’ve been scandalous and shameful on her family.

Realised as I approach 50 that she may be dead etc which made me do an Ancestry test. Long story short. I met her. Having a child adopted damaged her. She had buried a lot of the trauma. Was nice to meet her. Helped me to get on with life. She said she had no money or proper place to live so didn’t want to raise a child like that.

Enjoy your child. Amazing to feel genetically linked to someone isn’t it.

Ozanj I’m sorry you had a bad time with your own birth father, however a fourteen year old child getting pregnant is a tragedy and it is normal to have sympathy for both the adopted baby and the mother in these circumstances. What the mother is like now an adult who knows, she probably didn’t get the best childhood herself.

I don't know if this is helpful or not.....

My aunt was forced to give her daughter up for adoption at 15 (her Catholic mother made the decision against her will). Her daughter must now be in her 50's. Not a day goes by when my aunt doesn't think of her. I know it's been a monumental sadness throughout my aunts life. There was no way the baby wasn't good enough. The story you've been told may not be the full picture.

I think what you're feeling is completely natural and understandable. ♥️ (becoming a parent threw up a lot from my childhood too.) Hope you feel better soon.

i am a foster carer who has cared for a baby who was then later adopted and i shouldn't admit this but i always though the love for someone else child would be different! it isn't!! i loved that child as much as my own you are worthy of love, is what i am trying to say and i'm sure you were loved.

i also found later in life for the first 18 months of my life i was in foster care at the time this happened i had an 18 month old child so i can understand what you are going through as it brought lots if feelings for me. after councillors and time i can now look back and feel sad for 18 month old me but i have been able to process these feelings and learn to love myself.

i hope you get through this, you will love your baby so much hold on to that and that you will have been loved and will continue to be loved.

The feelings you have when you have your own child is unmeasurable. I also couldn't believe how my birth mother could have given me up. I Never resented her as I feel I had a much better life with my adopted family. I have been extremely fortunate to have had a very positive relationship with her and have been welcomed by the whole of her 'other' family. I waited until i was in a better head space and my children were older as I felt it was such an enormous emotional thing to do. I find it amazing that being adopted as a very young baby can have such an impact on the whole of your life. When i first met up with her she told me she was allowed to keep me for six weeks and letting me go was the hardest thing she has ever done. Even though she went on to have other children I am always thought of her first born. Be kind to yourself at whatever stage in motherhood you are in it is an emotional rollercoaster xx