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Adoption

Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on adoption.

Original poster

Foster to adopt -any advice or opinions

29 replies

LovesFood1987 · 22/01/2022 19:23

Hello,

I have posted previously and read a lot thanks to the advice on this forum (adoption UK webinars/forum, what to expect when you're adopting, How I met my son, Home for Good and a lot online).

We have a birth child who is 4 later this year, seriously thinking about Foster to adopt through our local RAA. We have been unable to have a second child due to a lot of miscarriages, I'm aware we'll need at least 6 months after this before we can apply 😊

I guess I'm just looking for any further tips/advice following on from everyone's excellent advice to read about adoption/therapeutic parenting etc.

We are adjusting our work patterns so we're both part time (equivalent of being 1 of us at home full time hours wise), we have a spare room and are financially secure.

Thanks in advance!

OP posts:
Hotdogandmustard · 22/01/2022 19:35

The Primal Wound, Nancy Verrier, Sally Donavon's books, Sarah Naish and Dan Hughes are all excellent books/authors. The Primal Wound really talks about the significance of the relationship between baby and birth mother regardless of the age the baby leaves birth mum.

Remy7 · 22/01/2022 19:48

Sorry to hear about your experiences of miscarriage.
We've just done foster to adopt with our little one (we've just been through matching panel so it's all official now). It isn't for everyone but the early permanence for us was so important. There are elements to consider that don't happen with traditional adoption such as 3 x weekly birth family contact (emotions and logistics), medical / development history as yet unknown / often safeguarding (ours resulted in a name change). There is always a chance that the baby will be rehabilitated back to birth family but you'll know as much about the circumstances as you can before you decide to go ahead.
There is a national online meeting for early permanence through adoption UK which happens monthly we have found this useful to meet others.
Feel free to message if you have any specific questions.
Best of luck on your journey x

Original poster
LovesFood1987 · 22/01/2022 20:12

@Remy7 congratulations, very exciting for you 😊 how did you find the process? Obviously we're expecting it to feel invasive/thorough (as it should be) but is there anything that surprised you?

@Hotdogandmustard thanks for the recommendations, I've ordered the Primal Wound 😊

OP posts:
Hotdogandmustard · 22/01/2022 20:33

The Primal Wound really is a absolutely brilliant. It hammered home the significance of birth mum and the fact that children Removed at birth are incredibly incredibly affected (pre verbal memories) even if it's a Relinquished birth, let alone removal by SS.

Remy7 · 22/01/2022 20:52

We had 3 or 4 social workers at any one point (and often didn't speak to each other despite working in the same local authority) and our little one was born 6 weeks early so be prepared for a LOT of appointments.
There is foster funding available in some LAs which was a pleasant surprise.
Our birth family circumstances are not that complicated in comparison to others.
We were given a lot of info up front about birth family, wider family, siblings which helped us make informed decisions x

Original poster
LovesFood1987 · 23/01/2022 19:45

Glad you got a lot of information about birth family 🙂

Thank you for the tip about appointments that's really good to know, I think we've realised that with Foster to adopt one of you needs to be around full time to do birth family visits/hospital trips etc. Is that what you've found?

Also (please don't answer if you'd rather not) at what point did you find out the baby was coming to you for fostering? Was it during the pregnancy or just after birth? I guess it might vary in each case but I'm just guessing 🙂

OP posts:
Remy7 · 23/01/2022 20:26

Yes definitely one of you needs to be available full time (to be honest social workers ask for that for all adoption to start off with). I don't think we had an empty day for the first month at least! We were both off at this point.
Our case was unusual (I think). We would have had over a month's notice but he was born premature so we knew about him for 48 hours before he was born and we got to meet him on day 3 (there was court to sort out etc first). I'm not sure if it would have been better or worse to have more notice!! x

Lwren · 25/01/2022 09:36

There's a website called z library that allows you to download the books for free, many of the adoption classics are there and therapeutic parenting books x

Mumtolittlesausage · 25/01/2022 19:49

We did f2a and just going through the adoption process a 2nd time and happy to do it again. In regards to how long did you get I suppose it depends on the circumstances of baby being removed but we were told about ours on the Wednesday from our SW, we then said sounds good to us so we got some more info on the Thursday morning from his SW and then they said OK will be back about 5pm with him and that was that.

Maggie178 · 25/01/2022 21:36

I did foster to adopt. Didn't get much notice in terms of his placement. Found out just after he was born he could potentially be placed with me. Met him in hospital at five days old then he came home at ten days old when he was discharged from hospital. So not long to get everything ready, work had little notice and also not very long to prepare my birth child.
I think the thing I found most challenging was the uncertainty. Very little information when he joined us and information was kind of drip fed to us. Stressful and immensely hard work caring for a newborn with NAS but absolutely worth it. Son is thriving and at school now.

Original poster
LovesFood1987 · 26/01/2022 19:41

Thank you very much for your stories. Must have been very exciting (although perhaps daunting?!) to find out there was a baby for placement with you literally in a couple of days.

In terms of the approval process, obviously we're expecting it to be very thorough (as it should be) but was there anything that came up that surprised you? I hear about random things like people being turned down because their house is tidy which makes me feel like it's a lot to do with personal preference of the social worker Confused (although our house could never be described as too tidy with a young child here!)

OP posts:
Pollylong · 13/02/2022 18:37

Hi first time poster and I don’t want to rain on anyones parade, but just a cautionary tale really. We had a child placed with us in a foster to adopt placement 18 months ago, and she goes home to her birth parents at the end of next week, and even though I’m a strong robust person in a supportive and loving relationship, we are both going through hell at the moment. I believe you have to understand the risk you are taking and be sure that you can cope if they go, they are your child even though they aren’t.

Lwren · 13/02/2022 19:02

Hello @Pollylong I am so so devastated for you and your DP, whilst words can't offer you any comfort and I can't imagine how awful this must be for you, I hope you are surrounded by love for this heartbreaking time.
You've given her an amazing start and I wish things were different for you, this seems such a long time to have allowed a bond and horrendously cruel to all involved.
If you need to talk I'm here 💔💐😘

CloseYourEyesAndSee · 13/02/2022 19:06

As a social worker I think people who do FFA are extremely courageous. The thing you need to be prepared for is not only that the baby might go back to birth parents but that if that happens you might not ever want to try again. It's a one shot deal for many people.

Remy7 · 13/02/2022 19:18

So sorry to hear what you're going through @Pollylong
I can't imagine how you're feeling right now. Please never forget that no one can ever take away what you've done already and that will have made an undoubtable difference to the future of this little one Daffodil
If you need support please reach out xx

Pollylong · 13/02/2022 19:24

@Lwren

Hello *@Pollylong* I am so so devastated for you and your DP, whilst words can't offer you any comfort and I can't imagine how awful this must be for you, I hope you are surrounded by love for this heartbreaking time. You've given her an amazing start and I wish things were different for you, this seems such a long time to have allowed a bond and horrendously cruel to all involved. If you need to talk I'm here 💔💐😘
We have a particular bad case, I imagine we will be the horror story in the foster to adopt community for quite a while, there has been lots of mess ups made, that caused delays.

many people, social workers/ adoption buddies with 20+ years of adoption experience, and our therapist that works for our LA that we need to help us cope with the situation regularly tell us they have never seen a situation like it.

I truly don’t want to put anyone off, we made the right decision for the right reasons. I just want anyone who goes into the process to be aware that someone has to be the worst case scenario, and put serious thought into if they think they can pick themselves up after the loss of a child. Because that’s what it is.

And there’s things think about. My husband couldn’t go back to work after the adoption leave was up as we could not juggle his job, contact, social worker visits, therapy. Now we are both off work due to the grief. Plus there is the process of handing back the child. We have been very active in the transition back to birth parents because we couldn’t let a stranger do it, LO needs us more than ever right now to help her through this, but it takes it out of you.

And as the social worker said above,
In my case I think it’s a one shot deal. We are lucky, we already have our DD whose three, through mainstream adoption, but I always thought I would have two children, and now I think I’m closing the door on two children to, and that brings with it it’s own grief
X

Mama1980 · 13/02/2022 19:46

Pollylong I'm so sorry you're going through this. Please know that I and many other people on this board I'm sure are here for you if you need to talk.
You sound like wonderful people who have loved and cared for a child when they needed it most - that's everything.

My dd2 was placed in my care the day she was born, with her BM's consent and there was never going to be any outcome other than her adoption - the order was passed within 6 months but my situation is unique and if there had been any doubt I don't think I could have done it.
Largely because Pollylong's is not the only 'horror' story I've heard and I don't personally think that most SS are fully able yet to manage such delicate situations well.

Original poster
LovesFood1987 · 13/02/2022 22:06

@Pollylong I am so sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how truly awful it must be for you 😢 thank you for your honesty and never ever forget the most amazing thing you gave that little person, a stable and loving home. Sorry again Flowers

OP posts:
rolypolydoly · 17/02/2022 20:47

Just read these posts, you're all so wonderful and courageous for what you've done

Pls correct me if I'm wrong here - once a baby or child adoption is confirmed and you become the parent/s, can the adoption be reversed by the birth parents?

Remy7 · 17/02/2022 22:01

There are a couple of stages in which this can happen. More so in foster to adopt.
Once the adoption order is granted nothing can be reversed, this is the last stage.
In foster to adopt you foster first right through a number of stages to being formally matched with the child and then apply for the adoption order. In a few cases the child is rehabilitated back to birth parents in the early stages of the process. In others birth parents make no contact at all.
In almost any adoption birth parents can attend court and say they don't agree with the adoption / want the child to be with them.
The processes are complex.

rolypolydoly · 17/02/2022 23:29

Thank you @Remy7

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/03/2022 18:46

Always be aware that the best interest of the baby is the opposite to what you may well wish to happen. It’s is always better for the baby to be with a “good enough” birth parent.

Pollylong · 09/03/2022 20:23

Yes u go into the process aware of this, you take on a foster to adopt case aware of this, and you take on all the risk aware of this. However that does not stop you being in a mountain of pain when it happens and I don’t think your comment is too helpful to a grieving person.

MyDcAreMarvel · 09/03/2022 20:59

@Pollylong my post was directed at the op not yourself. I am sorry you are struggling right now but my comment was made to help advise the op. Maybe it would be helpful for you if just posted on your own thread, because on other FTA people are going to comment to the op,
For obvious reasons I did not comment on your thread as I would not have been so insensitive. I wish you well.

Pollylong · 10/03/2022 07:02

Hi sorry I’m a mess and thought this was a different thread, sorry didn’t mean to snap x